I don't own the characters, DC does, but you know that. I'm not making any money from this, but if anybody knows a way I can, please get in touch 8^)

I'm not gonna pretend it's any good, but please Read and Review (and apologies for bad title).

I've had complaints about paragraphing & the like, sorry, that's my computer, so if it goes weird just bear with me 8^)

A Night in the Life


In Which Catwoman Becomes Agony Aunt to the Evil

by Threnody

"When was it, exactly, did people start thinking I was a nice person?" The voice was slightly slurred, "Have I, at any point, shown any inclination towards being nice? I don't help old ladies cross the street, I don't buy kids ice-creams or save hospitals, or stop myself from travelling around the world in order to save some stupid bank from closing…"

Selina Kyle gave a respective nod to her television screen; currently showing It's a Wonderful Life.

"You tell 'em George."

She poured some more milk into a dish.

"Hell, I take pains in making myself a not-nice person! I'm a thief! I'm a mad lady who talks to cats…"

Isis, who had been listening so far as politely as any cat can, mewed at this, and started on the milk.

"Sorry, no cream, you need to go on a diet. So, to summarise: I'm not a nice person. I might even go as far as saying I'm a bad person. So why do I even care?"

She slumped onto the well-worn cathair-covered armchair in front of the TV, where George was about to jump off a bridge.

"See, there, that's what I have to deal with," she exclaimed, indicating the screen, "Weirdo do-gooders who can't cope, and psychos that can't rationalise. I got on fine, you know, between the two. Don't kill anyone, and help out with the odd crime, and you don't wake up one morning tied up in a bat-rope hanging from a lamppost. Get on well with the psychos, and you wake up, which is all the thanks I need, I'm sure."

Isis lapped up the last of the milk, leapt onto the small table next to the armchair and started sniffing at the empty liquor glasses.

"Nuh-uh," said Selina, bodily lifting Isis from the table and onto her lap, "That's mommy's solution to all o' life's problems." She settled back in the chair. Isis guessed she was in for some kind of litany, story, or long, drink-induced anecdote, and curled into a furry purring ball of warmth.

"F'r instance… for instance, today…"



Harley Quinn had a unique way of crying. It sounded like how crying would sound if crying sounded like how it was written down. She was also producing so many tears, Catwoman (mask and all) felt sure she might drown somebody if she was permitted to continue.

"There, there…" She managed pathetically, trying to give Harley a handkerchief, which proved difficult, as both eyes were covered with both hands in what Selina considered to be an overly-dramatic way.

She tried a different approach:

"OK, I don't want to be here, and I don't give a damn about who Joker slept with, as long as I never meet them, but you tend to rearrange your priorities when threatened with death by plants of the chumedorea genus- I don't know how that works, and I have no wish to find out…"

She heard a giggle behind her. Harley wiped away a couple of tears.

"Ivy's such a chum!" she laughed. Selina stared, nonplussed. Harley sighed. "You know, 'chum', 'chumedorea'…"

"Ha ha."

"It was nice of her to make you come… I was gonna turn th' weedkiller on her last time, y'know, my Puddin'… my Puddin' always used to… to… kill people who annoyed him…" Selina decided she couldn't stand another round of screaming, so said:

"Is that what's wrong? You miss Joker now he's back in jail?"


"You going to try to get him out again? Even though he fucked someone else?"


After some interrogation, time, sighs, emotional outbursts, and, for some reason, poking, Selina discerned that the problem was that Harley was trying to become independent from the Joker, but was having problems. She was also, by her own admission, not listening to Poison Ivy's advice which, when not plant-related, was damn' good advice.

Some time later:

"Gee, KitKat, thanks for your help. I feel like I've opened new doors in my subconscious, allowing repressed feelings of fear [sub-cat: of being alone] and reliance/dependence [sub-cat: replacement father figure] to bubble to the surface. This will allow me to delve deeper into my own psyche. And you're right, men are bastards."

"Uh… no problem…"

Selina had the horrible feeling that that was way too easy, but left anyway the moment she felt the bindweed loosen itself from her ankles.


"It gets worse you know, dear."

Isis mewed in an understanding sort of way.

"There was the Riddler as well. You know, Eddie; he feeds you when I'm on holiday and he's on parole."

A mew of acknowledgement.

"He's just been dumped by Julie, who he was living with, so now he's with the Cluemaster. Now, I know you've never met him, and you should be thankful for that, 'cos he is the most boring piece of shit (sorry darling, but it's the best word) that you're ever likely to meet. It's driving him mad, you know. Mad."

She poured herself another glass of whatever was in the bottle.

"It's sad, that I'm the only one they can turn to. And me with my alcohol problem."

Isis mewed again.

"Alright then, new found alcohol problem. That doesn't make it any less of a problem, my dear. At least I don't wash myself by…"

She was interrupted by an indignant mew.

"Sorry, sorry, almost forgot about feline social faux pas…"


"Alright, I'll get on with it. The worst is yet to come, you know. First it was Killer Croc though. He's somehow seen me with Harley, and apparently, she knocked him out a while ago." She chuckled. "Harley annoys a lot of people by doing that. So Croc was going on at me about how he felt he had been undermined and his self esteem had gone and… it was really quite pathetic."

She took anther sip. "And quite sad. Maybe that's it. I must care at least slightly to think it's sad…" She sighed. "I'm just not a cruel, ruthless, hardened criminal any more."

Selina downed the rest of her drink and poured another. Isis meowed in protest, but was ignored.

"Talking of hardened…" She chuckled. "Batman, that was the worst bit."

Isis' ears pricked up at this; conversations about Batman tended to be interesting.

"As you know, I always turn him on. He can't help it, and I'm willing to use it to help my escapes, and given the right circumstances, it can be a lot of fun. He's certainly… good-looking." She took some more drink, thoughtfully. "Like that tabby down the road. I've seen you eyeing him, and I don't think it's about territory."

Isis looked as embarrassed as a cat can look, making Selina grin.

"But you're above him, right? So you know how I feel. Can't lower myself to his level. Except we've had sex a few times. And I like talking to him, he's very understanding once you get to know him." She stared into space for a moment. "Wow, that's really pathetic. I hate sad people like me."

She paused again. Isis mewed for her to continue.

"Right, but, today, he went too far. D'you know what rape is, dear? I don't suppose it worries cats so much, but it's important to me. I've been there, and I have no wish to go again…"


"What the fuck are you doing?"

Batman didn't answer, but continued.

"Get the fuck off'f me!"

Batman froze, then removed himself from lying on top of Selina. However, it was in a way that his arms meant she could still not get up.

"What was that about?" Catwoman spat, struggling to free herself.

"I thought you wanted to."


"It seemed like that. In fact, you said."

"What? But… I didn't mean…"

"Then what DID you mean?" Selina jumped at his harsh tone.

"I didn't think you'd… take up the offer. I'm sorry."

"Me too. Don't do that again."

"What? Force myself upon you and try to fuck you against your will? Oh, wait, that was you!"

"I just explained that." he sounded, even to Catwoman, upset.

"Hey, are you OK?"

Batman let her go, and she sat up.

"I'm tired."

"Tired? You?"

"Haven't been sleeping much lately."

"Well, graveyard shift and all that…"

"I used to sleep in the mornings."


"Too much work."

"And you feel lonely?"


"C'mon, it's just me."


"Well you know where I live. If you just want someone to talk to, I'm here, right?"


"And maybe sex if you're good. I have to start it though."

"Yes Miss."

"And none of your cheek."

"Yes Miss."

And he was gone.


So, basically, this maniac tried to rape me, and I'm suddenly being all nice to him, and offering company for when he's lonely. It sounds worse every time I think about it."

Isis gave a meow in a lecturing tone.

"I suppose I did kind of give out the wrong impression. And I did kind of invite him… But, it's like the boy who cried wolf; I always invite him. He's never done anything about it before though…"


Selina didn't get any more drunk than she already was after that. She fell asleep, with Isis on her lap. A while later, Isis woke up and industrially set about destroying the covers of every chair in the flat- she was never one to neglect her duty.

Isis paused in her expert shredding as she heard a slight noise on the balcony, and went to investigate.

Batman was standing there, skilfully opening the locked French windows without damaging them. He stepped inside, and saw Isis, who felt a great urge to run away. But she was a cat, and cats will never be out-arroganced by any thing or anyone, so she stood her ground. To her surprise, Batman started scratching her behind the ear and stroking her, and she decided that he perhaps wasn't as bad as all that. If he started giving her food, she might actually like him.

Batman looked through the door and saw Selina asleep, lit by the credits of It's a Wonderful Life. He smiled slightly, then left, leaving the windows looking as though they had never been touched.

Isis watched him go and considered herself lucky, not for the first time, how she never made things as complicated as humans did.