To: Commander Spock
From: Captain James T. Kirk
Re: Unauthorized Leisure Activities Aboard Enterprise
It has come to my attention that there have been a number of recent instances during which members of the crew of Enterprise have engaged in unauthorized leisure activities. Said activities have reportedly been conducted in cargo bay 23, behind the cases of quadrotriticale which we are transporting and which frankly cannot be off the ship soon enough.
I am officially requesting that you conduct a thorough investigation of these unauthorized activities, determine the veracity of the information I have received, and promptly put a stop to any such activities you discover.
I trust that you will report back to me as soon as you have completed your investigation.
To: Captain James T. Kirk
From: Commander Spock
Re: Investigation of Unauthorized Leisure Activities Aboard Enterprise
While it is within your prerogative to assign any member of your crew to any task you deem appropriate, I am unclear as to why you have requested that I conduct the investigation of unauthorized leisure activities aboard Enterprise. Would this investigation not be better handled by a member of security? (Certainly I would not suggest you request assistance from Security Officer "Cupcake".) There are, however, plenty of other capable and willing security officers available to investigate and report back to you concerning this matter.
I am certainly available to request the assistance from security on your behalf if you prefer utilizing that chain of command.
To: Commander Spock
From: Captain Kirk
Re: Why I Have Requested That You Investigate the Reports of Unauthorized Leisure Activities Aboard Enterprise
The leisure activities which I have been told are occurring are wagers between crew members. They are placing bets on the activities of various command personnel. I am reluctant to ask security to investigate, preferring that they remain unaware if what I think may be happening is actually happening.
Please conduct the investigation and let me know what you discover.
Re: Investigation of Activities in Cargo Bay 23
I remain unclear as to why you are asking that I look into the unauthorized activities occurring in cargo bay 23. Does your reluctance to alert security stem from the possible dangerous nature of the situation? Are you concerned that the activities are of a possible criminal or illicit nature?
I ask for this clarification not because I do not intend to follow your order but so that I will be better prepared for all possibilities upon entering the cargo bay in question.
Re: Please Just Take Care of It
Please go to cargo bay 23. Find out what they are doing. Stop them. Report back.
To: My Jim
From: Your Spock
Re: Clearly There is More to This Than You are Saying
What is it you think is going on in cargo bay 23?
To: My Spock
From: Your Jim
Re: When Did Following Orders Become Optional?
Okay, fine. I heard from Uhura who heard from Sulu who apparently heard it from one of the security officers that some of the crew go to cargo bay 23 and place bets on whether or not you are going to try to kill me again, when, and how. There is also a pool on whether or not you and I are in fact sleeping together. That pool has two side wagers - whether you are on top or I am; and whether or not you ever engage in oral sex – giving it or getting it – with me presumably, but I'm not completely clear on that part of it. And how they think they'll find out the winners of those bets, I don't know. It gives me a headache to even consider it.
There are other wagering opportunities, apparently. But either Uhura or Sulu or the unnamed security guard was too embarrassed to tell me. Or them. Or somebody.
Why it isn't obvious to those idiots that we are and have been for some time sleeping together I can't imagine. The fact that we are renders the pool concerning you trying to kill me again moot. I think. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you want to keep me alive so you can continue getting the benefits of me being still breathing.
Yes I could ask security to look into it but I'd rather not have any more crewmembers know about these pools if I can possibly avoid it. And I could go take care of it but frankly, having you show up and catching them is 100 times scary than me doing it. I'd advise you not demonstrate all of the Vulcan control of which you are justifiably proud. A little righteous indignation goes a long way to making sure these pools never spring up again.
Now do you get it? Let me know what you find out?
To: My T'hy'la
From: Your Love
Re: Cessation of Unauthorized Activities in Cargo Bay 23
I went to cargo bay 23 and discovered the culprits of the wagers. I found 5 different categories on which bets could be and had been placed.
I can assure you with complete confidence that those who had established the pools will not repeat their mistakes. They are on report and will be sending you written apologies before the conclusion of the next shift.
I regret having questioned your orders. I do not now nor have I ever believed that following orders is optional. If you wish to place me on report as well, I certainly understand. Perhaps confining me to quarters would reinforce the necessity of obeying my commanding officer immediately and unquestioningly. Being so confined also would provide me the opportunity to demonstrate the topics of the four categories of wagers of which you had not been previously aware.
I await your decision with much anticipation.
To: My Love
From: Your T'hy'la
Re: Satisfactory Conclusion of Investigation
Thank you for dealing with the wagering. And yes, regretfully, I do agree with your assessment that you should be confined to quarters for not obeying my orders with all deliberate haste. Coincidentally, I am off duty the next two days. Hmm…what were the chances?
I sure hope the wagers were on something really interesting and/or educational. I'm looking forward to finding out if there would have previously been a winner or if the betting was on activities which we hadn't yet thought to try.
At any rate, it will be an interesting two days!