I consider this quite possibly the worst thing I've written in the last couple of years, but the people on the image board seemed to find it hilarious. Thus on the off chance the people here do so as well I submit it for your viewing pleasure. As you may quickly guess this story has no connection to my other stories, and was not as ruthlessly restrained by canon. With that warning out of the way...
Patchouli was very observant for someone who had her head stuck in a book all the time. In fact she was almost too observant sometimes. That had caused her some troubles during the Scarlet Weather incident, but had saved her from no end of trouble in many other instances.
Right now she was noticing that Remilia's gaze was lingering on her a bit too much. For that matter Sakuya and Meiling had been suffering from wandering eyes recently. And the Oni from underground had been a little grabby at the last party (much to the bridge princesses' jealousy). All these were signs that something was going very wrong. That her greatest work as Gensoukyo's most knowledgeable magician was falling apart.
Thus Patchouli had prepared an experiment. Finishing her dinner she leaned back and stretched, deliberately pushing her chest forward.
Remi blushed and turned away.
Quickly excusing herself Patchouli ran back to her library. "How could my precautions have failed? Especially on this level. Remi's far too high level to be affected by anything short of a catastrophe." Flying into the rows of bookshelves she called out to the person she had working on the problem full time. "Koakuma! Get here this instant!"
Koakuma peered out from behind one of the shelves. She wanted to run and hide from the fear and anger in her masters voice, but that wouldn't end well. "I didn't do it!"
"Exactly! You didn't tell me that the situation has changed with the puppeteer and the black white. Somethings causing the resonance to go insane!" Patchouli began coughing violently.
The small demon ran up to her master both to help Patchouli stand and proclaim her innocence. "But nothings happened, either between them or anyone else. Marisa's either been in her workshop or youkai hunting and Alice has been..."
"... working on a secret project." The two residents of the mansion looked up to find Alice standing behind them. "Now can you explain why you were spying on me and if that has anything to do with everyone acting so weird?"
Patchouli sighed and waved Alice over to a table. "I suppose at this point it would be futile to try to conceal it more. However it would be more efficient if you explained what has been different. Then I could analyze how big the problem is."
Alice looked disgruntled but took a seat. "Well just on the way here I had to evade a strangely clingy Reimu, then that night sparrow asked that I come by her cart later for some 'special service,' and your gate guard turned crimson when I flew over her." She sighed. "Oh and your familiar seems to be trying to hide in my skirt."
Patchouli practiced swearing in several languages. "That's far beyond expected parameters. Even a relationship with you, the Black White, and the Red White wouldn't cause this much distortion." Patchouli began scribbling on several scattered pieces of paper. "Oh, right. Anyway that last part's normal. Ignore it."
"It's not something you can easily ignore." Alice said while trying to detach Koakuma from her legs. In the end she wound up with the devil clinging to her waist and just called that a victory. "The explanation please..."
"Magicians are creatures that absorb magic to fuel themselves. As a side effect it tends to draw mystical beings towards them physically and mentally. Humans turned youkai of course absorb more magic and thus create a larger draw. In addition high level human magicians who use their powers often also tend to create massive localized magical draws. Normally it's a non issue, so most magicians don't even know about it. However when large numbers of powerful magicians are present in a small area, along with many magical beings, a resonance effect occurs multiplying the attractions."
Alice sat for a moment internally translating the explanation. "Are you saying that magicians unconsciously seduce other youkai? And that it's worse when there are more of them?"
"A crude summary, but mostly correct. Magically inclined humans are affected as well." Patchouli coughed again. "Humans with less strength then Sakuya are fine. However, the only youkai immune are those with a fixed libido such as succubi" The two magicians both looked at Koakuma, who pretended to be innocent. "I had set up a series of countermeasures to prevent the problem from becoming widespread but they required constant tweaking because Marisa seems to be a natural player. That doesn't help matters. Koa was supposed to make sure you two didn't cross any lines before I could set up more wards." Patchouli grumbled
"We aren't that close."
"That's because Marisa's kind of tsundere." Koakuma helpfully added. Alice flushed. Patchouli pulled up her book to keep her disgruntled look hidden.
"You're so young, you never look right in front of your own..." Patchouli shook her head to clear it and resumed scribbling. "Tch. See. This is what happens when the resonance gets too high. Your emotions start jumping about and you lose all sense and inhibitions." Patchouli finished her calculations. "There. For a disturbance of this magnitude a magician more powerful then any of us would have to have come into Gensoukyo and then began close relations with several youkai."
Alice's eyes opened wide. "Wait. The recent incident. Marisa said that they brought back a youkai from Makai."
Patchouli's pen stopped writing. "The one who set up a temple? She's a Magician? I'm a fool! We have to get there before the incident makes action impossible."
The two magicians turned to rush for the door, but Patchouli hit her chair causing Alice to shift sideways and trip over Koakuma.
Sanae looked at the ship turned temple. She had felt a little strange recently, so she decided to get some air, and drop in on Gensoukyo's newest residents. Once again Sanae noted that temples just seemed more somber then shrines. Perhaps it was the quiet. The gods of her shrine kept things bustling, and even Reimu's lazy shrine had youkai visitors often. This temple always seemed deserted even when there were people there.
Sanae rapped on the door. There was a long pause before a voice, Byakuren's, called out "Just a moment." There was a long pause. Sanae was beginning to wonder if something had come up when Byakuren finally opened the door. "Ah. Sorry, it's just me running things right now. What is it you wanted?" The woman seemed a little disheveled, and was breathing heavily.
"Ah you didn't have to run. I was just making a social call." Sanae's head felt a bit stranger. Maybe it was the incense. Well she couldn't just leave right away. It would be rude.
"Well perhaps I could get you some tea." The youkai magician's voice seemed nervous, as if she was hoping Sanae would leave soon.
Sanae immediately became suspicious. "Sure I'd love that," she said with a smile. A voice in the back of her brain was commenting on how this was an invasion of privacy, but then, she was supposed to keep an eye on these people.
"Ah. Of course. Please come this way." Byakuren began to lead Sanae through the former ship.
"Isn't the guest quarters that room?" Sanae asked.
"Oh! Yes, well, that nice Nue girl came by and we gave her the room. She's still sleeping so I don't want to disturb her."
For some reason that sounded off to Sanae. "Oh, that's very kind of you. Especially considering how much she put you through." She began moving towards the room.
"Well she was very apologetic. She was very determined to show her regret." Byakuren stepped in front of the door. "So anyway it would be bad form to disturb her so..."
Sanae smiled, then used her power of miracles to have the door swing open. Both the ladies gasped in shock, Byakuren at the door opening, Sanae at the sight within.
Nue was admittedly on a futon, but her clothes were scattered about in a fashion that suggested sleep hadn't been her original purpose. Minamitsu and Ichirin were draped limply across another futon. Shou apparently had enough strength and consciousness left to pull a sheet over her and Nazarin when the door opened, but she too obviously had been part of the preceding events.
Sanae's head throbbed for a moment before clarity hit like a sudden squall. "I see. So that was your scheme all along."
Byakuren looked incredibly embarrassed. "It's not like that. Nue just attempted to show her apology in a more direct form then Shou said I looked too cute, and Minamitsu claimed captains privilege and Ichirin did her Onee-sama bit and then..."
Sanae smiled widely before advancing. "It looks like I'll have to seal you away after all. With a special ritual."
Shou watched the some of the following events before going back to her half-nap, assured that Byakuren wasn't in any mortal danger. It was surprising how much rope that shrine maiden had on her though.
There was a set of soft thumps as the two magicians landed on a surprisingly yielding floor. "Hey! I haven't stolen anything yet. You don't need to tackle me. And why are you helping, Alice?"
Alice jumped off immediately, followed quickly by Patchouli. "Oh no," Patchouli muttered. This was quite possibly the worst thing that could happen.
Alice recovered fairly well all things considered. "Sorry Marisa. We have to run. There's an incident that needs dealing with."
Marisa jumped up and smirked pulling the brim of her hat down. "What? Trying to run off and have all the fun without me? And right after jumping me like that? I'm afraid I can't let you do that. I'll just have to beat you and solve the incident myself."
Patchouli sighed in relief. A danmaku duel would be nice and safe probably.
Sadly for Patchy, a danmaku duel was not to be.
"And how are you going to do that? You don't even know what the incident is! You can't solve everything just by taking the easy path and hoping things work out. Especially if you're in denial about your problems!" Alice punctuated her remarks with a finger poke to the chest. "That's why our relationship is stuck in the same place it was three years ago!" Marisa was stunned. Patchouli was caught by a sudden coughing fit.
"I ~ I don't know what you're talking about. I'm still normal." Marisa protested feebly.
"Sure you are." Alice sneered, while advancing on the shorter witch. "That's why you're always startled when you hear my voice unexpectedly, and why you get all flustered when I turn your flirtatious ways back on you."
"That's not... I don't..."
"Well I'm tired of waiting for you to figure things out on your own Marisa." Alice cupped Marisa's chin in her hand and began leaning forward. "So I'm going to try it your way. Let's see if love is really about power~." With that their lips met. Marisa hesitated for a fraction of a second before returning the kiss full force.
Patchouli's brain was telling her to run to stop the incident as fast as possible. However her body just wouldn't move. *It's just the magical draw that's making me jealous and bothered.* She tried to shake her head but all she managed was a blink. She only had one card left to play. "Koa... Help..."
The little demon came up behind her. "Sure." Then she wrapped her arms around Patchouli and pressed her body close. "I'll help make sure Patchouli-sama doesn't lose to either of them," she said in a sultry whisper. Then with a well timed push she sent Patchouli stumbling into the other two magicians just as they began to break their kiss. Once again the three found themselves on the ground in a tangle of limbs.
Koakuma smiled and stretched as she watched her master cut off Alice's angry outburst with a deep kiss. This disaster was far more interesting then she could have hoped for, especially since she hadn't helped start it at all. Of course eventually she'd have to fix everything eventually, but for right now she'd enjoy herself. Besides it was safest if these three were hidden in a secure, well furnished room, away from the rest of Gensoukyo. For a couple of weeks say.
Koa grinned wider as she started to slink towards the currently oblivious magicians. That temple was too close to the village to draw in too many youkai anyway. It's not like things could get too bad if they were left alone for a while.
Kogasa 'snuck' into the temple ignoring the clacking that her wood sandals made on the wooden floor.. She'd been planing to visit ever since her meeting with Nue and Byakuren after that incident a while back. She especially was looking forward to spending more time with Byakuren. Her face flushed just at the thought.
Of course she'd have to surprise them with her visit. It was her nature after all.
Kogasa threw the door of the temple's guest room open. "Urashiiiiiii..." Her normal greeting yell died in her throat as she viewed the contents of the room.
Sanae looked up at the stunned youkai. "Oh my. What a pleasant surprise..."
Kogasa found herself drawn into the madness before she could even scream.