Title: With Tears
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, and I do not make any money from these fictions.
Rating: M
Summary: Negotiations with a Romulan Ambassador don't go quite as Kirk planned – and Spock does not give him the chance to explain. Who will side with the captain when his crew turns away from him? K/S slash. Implied noncon K/other.
Warning: references to noncon


Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise most certainly did not tremble as he washed the ejaculate and blood from his body.

And he did not tremble as he failed to wash the stain from his body.

And he did not tremble as he collapsed...lay down upon his bed.

He knew Spock would be able to smell the scent of the Ambassador upon his skin. He was not looking forward to that conversation.

He was not allowed to tell his First Officer, best friend, and lover what happened.

Orders are orders.

Captain Kirk most certainly did not press his face into Spock's pillow and inhale his lover's distinctive scent as a few tears managed to squeeze themselves past his defenses.

He was strong and smart and...and he could get through this.

It wouldn't be the first time.


Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise donned his uniform and gazed into the mirror the next morning.

He just stared at his reflection for a few seconds, hating the red-rimmed eyes and stiff posture.

He could still feel the Ambassador's penis as it tore him open.

Jim closed his eyes against the thought and the memory and the still-lingering pain, and he turned away from the mirror to close the closet.

He did not want to gaze at the empty half on the right.

Just like he did not want to gaze at the empty right side of the bed.

Giving into his masochistic tendencies, Jim swept his eyes over the room which had once housed two people.

And now only housed one.

All of Spock's belonging were gone.

Jim squeezed his eyes shut once more, refusing to let one more tear slip out.

He had cried enough last night when Spock had smelt the filth on his skin and terminated their relationship because of Jim's "failure to uphold a monogamous sexual association."

An association - that is how Spock had described their two-year relationship.

A fucking two-year association "terminated" in the few seconds it took for that Vulcan nose and Vulcan brain to "logically" determine what had happened.

Spock had not let Jim get a single word in before packing his belongings and moving into the empty First Officer's cabin.

Jim had let him go, despite the pain in his throat and his heart and his ass.

Spock had only caused one of those pains, after all - it was the other two that led to the Vulcan terminating their association.


Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise entered the bridge in time for the alpha shift. He managed not to limp, but he could not relax his stiff posture and assume his normal swagger.

Uhura glared at him, Sulu and Chekov stiffened uncomfortably, and Spock stood even more rigid than usual and concentrated on his work perhaps more than necessary.

Jim put on his bravest face and sat down primly in his chair, unable to fully hide his wince.

Uhura glared harder, Sulu and Chekov stiffened further, and Spock...Spock's fists clenched for a split second before the Vulcan regained his control.

Jim said not a word to his bridge crew, trusting them to do their jobs despite the tension.

Things would go back to normal eventually.

They had to.

The Enterprise was all he had left.

"Sulu, set the destination for New Vulcan," Kirk instructed his pilot.

Though the officer tensed, he immediately complied with his captain's orders.

"Captain, do you not have to check with Command for new orders before plotting our course?" Spock questioned evenly.

"I concluded the...diplomatic negotiations with the Ambassador, and Star Fleet has their dilithium," Kirk replied, stumbling over describing his rape as a diplomatic negotiation.

But orders are orders, and Captain James Tiberius Kirk always got the job done.

"Command has given us leave for a few days as a reward for the successful mission. We are stopping over at New Vulcan to pick up the Ambassador before docking at Starbase Four," Kirk concluded his explanation, shoving all thoughts of last night's events to the back of his mind.


"Ambassador," Kirk greeted the older Spock after he was beamed up to the Enterprise. "Welcome aboard."

"Thank you, Captain," Spock acknowledged.

The First Officer started.

"Thanks are illogical," he interjected.

"As are feelings," his elder counterpart stated. "Have you followed yours?"

The younger Spock stiffened.

"I complied with your directive for 2.41 years, but have recently concluded that it is illogical to act in such a way. I am working to rectify my mistakes," he informed his elder self primly.

The Ambassador did not miss the wince and tensing of the Captain's frame at the word "mistakes".

But Jim plowed through, as he always did.

"Let me show you to your quarters, Ambassador. We shall reach the Starbase in approximately 2 days," the captain informed him.

"46.43 hours," his First Officer corrected.

Jim looked at his former lover, disguising the pain in his eyes underneath the heavy mantle of command.

"I would appreciate it if you fulfilled your duty and assumed the conn, Mr. Spock. You are assigned for this shift, after all," the captain told his first officer.

The younger Spock stopped and watched as his elder self was led away.

It was not like the captain to be terse. Jim...the Captain was the one who wished to terminate their association. It was illogical for him to be angry with Spock.

The first officer mentally shook his head. It was best to forget the exchange.

The captain was anything but logical, after all.


"Jim, I am aware of your recent troubles," the elder Spock began. "Do you wish to speak of it? My Jim often convinced me that talking was a necessary catharsis."

Jim looked at him with wide eyes. Did he already know, or was he just offering a ear for venting about routine diplomatic stresses and the end of his relationship with his first officer?

But it did not really matter to Jim. This Spock...this Spock actually asked him what was wrong. He didn't assume anything - and Jim had a strong feeling that he wouldn't judge him.

"I...it was more trouble than I thought I could ever get into," Jim admitted, chuckling bitterly. "Starfleet ordered that I be friendly with the Romulan colony's ambassador. I..."

Jim broke off, unable to continue. Spock looked at him with affectionate eyes, and it was all he could do not to throw himself at the Vulcan and beg for absolution.

"If it difficult to talk about, may I initiate a mind meld?" Spock offered.

"You said...emotional transference is a consequence of the bond," Jim told him. "I do not wish for these emotions to be transferred onto you."

"Shared pain can be pain halved, Jim," Spock told him gently. "I will be careful with your mind and your emotions."

Jim looked into those warm brown eyes, so much warmer than his own Spock's - especially now. He nodded, stepping into the elder Vulcan's hold.

Spock arranged his fingers on Jim's face just so, and then Jim could feel another mind slipping into his own. He felt warmth, and love, and trust, and...so many positive emotions, directed at himself. It nearly made him weep with the joy of it - the respite from his constant pain - both emotional and physical.

Spock broke off with a sharp gasp, those deep brown eyes wide with shock and pain.

"Jim..." he whispered brokenly.

Jim was afraid - afraid that this Spock would judge him even knowing the facts. He felt that he won't - hoped and prayed that he won't - but that did not stop the fear. He closed his eyes tightly, blinking back tears at the prospect of losing this Spock's warm regard.

But he needn't have worried. Spock pulled him into a warm embrace, burying his face in Jim's neck.

Jim was comforted by the protective hold, but he started as he felt wetness spreading along the skin of his shoulder.

Spock...Spock was crying.

For him.

"It...it wasn't that bad," Jim whispered, though it was a lie. It was every bit as bad as...

"My counterpart is a fool," Spock replied darkly, pulling back to let Jim see his wet eyes. "A complete and utter fool. What happened was in no way your fault, Jim. I of all people know that a human has no chance against the strength of an impassioned Vulcan - or Romulan, as it was in this situation. Starfleet put you in an intenable position, and you did your best."

Jim could not help it - he leant forward to lightly touch his lips to Spock's. It was short and sweet and fleeting, and it was exactly the comfort that he needed.

"He...he didn't even ask, you know. Just...smelled the sex on me, and that was it. He cleared out of our...my quarters. Everyone is blaming me, and it's undermining my authority on the ship. He's constantly questioning me and baiting me and correcting me. I'm thinking of resigning. I don't want people getting killed because no one has any confidence in my character or my ability to lead," Jim admitted softly.

Spock sat down upon the bed, pulling Jim into his lap. His arms were loose around him - supportive, but not grasping or encaging.

"I will support you in whatever you decide," the elder Spock replied. "If you wish, you may join me on New Vulcan - or we may go to Earth, if you would rather."

"New Vulcan needs you," Jim protested. "I couldn't ask you to give up your post..."

"I can be Ambassador to Earth, and help my people that way," Spock replied. "Jim - you are the most important person in my world. The thought of you - here and alive, in this time - is what keeps me going in this life that is both strange and familiar to me."

Jim looked at him with wide blue eyes.

"Why...why didn't you say anything?" he asked softly. "I...I knew that I was important to you - that came through during the mind meld. But I didn't know..."

"You did not know that you were everything?" Spock finished fondly, rubbing Jim's back comfortingly. "I had given up the possibility of an intimate relationship due to the existence of my younger self. I pushed him to follow his feelings and allow you in. If I had known the harm that his ignorance and apathy would cause you..."

Spock took a deep breath, placing a soft kiss in Jim's blond hair.

"I have lost you too many times to give up on you now, Jim," Spock finished. "Especially because of something that was in no way your fault. I will make sure that the Ambassador is removed from his post - I hold some sway with that Romulan colony, and his actions reflect poorly upon their race."

Jim nodded, thankful that the man will be removed from his position of power so that he may not repeat his offense against others - or against Jim himself again, if he had requested the Enterprise for further diplomatic negotiations.

Jim allowed Spock to lay him down upon the bed and spoon behind him, protectively pulling him close. With those warm arms surrounding him, Jim fell into his first peaceful sleep since his rape. He trusted Spock to keep him safe - and to wake him up before his next shift.


Jim walked onto the bridge, more relaxed and comforted than he had been since his...negotions with the Romulan colony's ambassador. The elder Spock had held him throughout the night, and then woken him up in time for his shift.

Jim could not get over the unconditional trust and affection and love that the elder Spock so easily bestowed upon him. He didn't know if he could go back to functioning without it - and he certainly knew that he didn't want to.

Both Starfleet and the Enterprise had betrayed him.

Starfleet by putting him in the delicate situation of having to deal with a pushy Romulan - and taking away all of his means of defending himself.

The Enterprise by taking Spock's side over his own without any details - without his side of the story at all, in fact. All they knew was that Spock had moved out - and they blamed him.

What is a ship if they do not trust their captain? Obviously they had more loyalty to Spock, and with his relationship with his First Officer as it was, it was putting them all in danger.

Jim sat in his chair, his relaxed state dissipating with these depressing thoughts.

Perhaps...perhaps he really should resign his post. It would give him the opportunity to recover from recent events, and it would give the ship the captain that they truly wanted - the younger Spock.

Jim's blue eyes hardened in determination as he looked over his bridge crew. No one met his gaze, and the atmosphere was tense and charged.

Yes, it would be best for everyone.

His mind was made up. As soon as they reached Starbase Four for shore leave, he would hand in his immediate resignation.

He was...emotionally compromised.