Author's Note: This is so crack...
Furniture Wars (Or, Why Denmark Really Wants Norway to Love this Lamp)
By Everything is Magic
Denmark and Sweden got along fairly well these days. Granted, Denmark did all the talking when they did interact, but that was okay, because Sweden never talked anyway. But seriously, what was the point of fighting anymore? It was far more awesome to get along and go out to get drunk with all the rest of the Nordic nations, and honestly, Sweden was the coolest drunk. He actually spoke. A lot. Sometimes in one hundred percent complete sentences. It was awe-inspiring.
But there was one thing that still stood between Denmark and Sweden; a bitter rivalry that never failed to get both of them riled up. Or at least, as riled up as the perpetually happy Denmark and the perpetually calm Sweden could get.
And that was furniture.
The truth was that Denmark knew that he made, indisputably, the most badass furniture in the entire world. He remembered a day in 1949, when he received a magazine in the mail from America, proclaiming a chair one of his own had created 'the world's most beautiful chair.' Drinks were on Sweden that night.
So it was no wonder that Denmark was aghast at what he'd just discovered in Norway's living room. Norway was supposed to be his friend! More than his friend. He was his… very cool boyfriend. It would have been one thing if he'd found this in Finland's house (Denmark forgave Finland the transgression of owning Swedish furniture, because he probably just did it to make Sweden happy. Of course, he was sure he secretly liked Danish furniture better), but Norway?
It was an IKEA lamp.
IKEA was the bane of Denmark's existence. The largest furniture dealer in the world, it lacked all the awesome style his furniture held. Sweden was all about mass production, duh. Flat pack furniture at affordable prices, available in every continent but Africa! Even Sweden must have known that his chain was like the McDonald's of furniture stores. But no, Sweden acted so proud of his IKEA and the fact that it totally quashed all of his Danish retailers with its size and bulk and…
Norway had an IKEA floor lamp. Perched right next to his sofa, the sofa Denmark had recently given him and the sofa that he and Norway had done some really fucking awesome sex on. Now it was forever tainted with the Swedish light coming from the Swedish lamp that shone down upon it.
He collapsed onto the sofa in a heap, making sure to shut off the lamp beforehand and pouting. Seriously, how could Norway have betrayed him so much? He didn't even know if he could face him.
He sat on the sofa in a slump, not registering anything around him, for who knew how long, before he heard the click of the front door opening. "Remind me why I gave you a spare key?" Came Norway's voice as he entered the living room.
Denmark wanted to greet him with an excited "NORGE!" and "Aww, because you love me, of course!" But that died on his lips. He puffed himself up and breathed out. Cheer up, man! You're the happiest country on earth.
"Hey Norway…" Was all that came out.
Norway dropped his keys on the table, his eyes having widened slightly. "What's wrong? You look like your boss just outlawed Jul or something."
Denmark barked out a laugh and stood up, brushing off his pants and grinning. "It's nothing, Norge. Really! I'm in a great mood. Thanks for worrying about me!"
"Um I wasn't-"
"But I've gotta go. I just remembered that I have important stuff to do tonight."
There, that would work. He'd get out of Norway's house as soon as possible and- think this over. Maybe he could sneak in the next day having picked out a better lamp (well any lamp was better, really) to replace it with. Norway would be happy, of course. Unless he really did like IKEA better, in which case… he didn't even know if alcohol would be enough to wash that away. Norway couldn't. He just couldn't. No one loved him more than Norway did, right?
He was already darting out the door before Norway could even reply, and other nation frowned in bewilderment. Once he was gone, Norway shook his head, clicked on his new lamp, and sat down to read the newspaper.
This lamp was going to blow Norway away. He'd forget IKEA even existed when he saw this beauty beside his sofa. The base was made of teak wood, which was so classy and badass and quintessentially Danish. And the shade was hardcore and definitely wouldn't break like some IKEA shade would. Plus, he'd outfitted it with an energy saving bulb to give it a modern touch! Denmark was confident again; Norway would fucking love this lamp.
He sat on the sofa with pride, pretending to read Norway's newspaper as he waited for the other nation to come home for the day once again.
The door creaked open, and Norway stepped inside. "Hey Norge!" Denmark exclaimed, before the other country was even half way in the door.
"Are you making a habit of being my welcoming committee?" Norway asked, closing the door behind him and walking toward the living room.
"Aww, I knew you loved me, Norway!" The Dane grinned goofily and the other Nordic shook his head.
"Do we have plans tonight?" Norway asked, once he'd sat on the sofa beside the taller nation. Denmark put the paper he wasn't reading anyway down and shrugged.
"I have no idea!"
"Do you ever?"
Denmark laughed, Norway's insult flying over his head. "I just thought I'd stop by. I'm not busy like I was last night…"
"Hmm, okay." Norway picked up the paper and began reading. Denmark glanced to and fro, from Norway to the lamp, becoming increasingly confused. He hadn't said a thing about the lamp! Had he not noticed? No, he had to have. Danish furniture couldn't go unnoticed! Or… maybe he hated the lamp and wasn't saying anything because he didn't want to hurt Denmark's feelings. He winced at the thought.
Norway turned the paper to the next page, and Denmark noticed him shoot him a look of slight confusion. Denmark shrugged in return, tapping his fingers on his knees, but otherwise completely silent.
After at least five minutes of this, Norway threw down the paper, the crinkle of pages loud as it hit the table. "What is wrong with you?"
At this, Denmark turned toward him, his eyes wide and his lower lip out in a slight pout; it wibbled. "Norway, do you love the lamp?" He inquired, in the single most pathetic tone he'd possibly ever mustered.
Denmark gestured to the lamp behind him. "The lamp. Please tell me you love the lamp," he begged, surpassing the previous winner of single most pathetic tone he'd ever mustered.
Norway blinked, still confused and then shifted slightly so he could glance past him. "What happened to the lamp little brother gave me?"
Denmark's eyes grew wide, and he shook his head hastily. "Ice! Ice gave you that lamp? Him too? C'mon, seriously?"
"What?" Norway stood up and surveyed the new lamp. "Yes. He had an extra one and my old one didn't match the new sofa, so he gave it to me."
"B-but it's IKEA!" Denmark exclaimed, partially relieved, but not entirely. Not yet.
Norway sighed, a clear, not-this-stupid-rivalry-again, although Denmark didn't pick up on it. "Oh. It was? I honestly didn't notice."
"But couldn't you tell? I mean it's all cheap and lame and- "
"Denmark. I've had it for two days," Norway interrupted, pressing his fingers into his forehead.
Norway ran his fingers over the lampshade and down the base. "Where did you put the old lamp?"
"Just kidding Norge!" He corrected himself. "It's… in the back of my car." On the way to being trashed, he added inwardly. "W-why?"
"You're pitiful." Norway's lips quirked up in a smile. "I need to return it to little brother."
"What? Really?" Denmark's face brightened, a hint of his familiar grin returning.
Norway ran a hand through his hair and sat back down, grabbing the Dane's shoulders and turning him toward him. "I like your lamp better."
"R-Really? You do?"
His smile grew huge, and Norway laughed a little, his cheeks pinking in a blush. "You're the biggest moron in Europe, Denmark. You know I prefer all things Danish."
And with an ecstatic shout of the other nation's name, Denmark leapt forward onto Norway and planted a very sloppy, very joyous kiss on his lips as they both fell backwards onto a very Danish sofa lit by a very Danish lamp.
1- IKEA- The world's largest furniture retailer. It operates in every continent but Africa.
2- Hans J. Wegner's round chair was called 'the world's most beautiful chair,' and was featured on the cover of the American magazine, Interiors, in 1949. It later gained more international fame when it was used in a 1961 American presidential debate between Kennedy and Nixon.
3- Denmark is the happiest country on Earth, according to research.
4- Jul is the Danish Yule/Christmas season.