Who Is Your Jedi Master?

By: LaViePastiche

Prompts: Darth Vader/Storm Troopers, Rick Astley and OCD

Thanks to algonquinrt for being my Yoda of Star Wars Trilogy knowledge. I googled the rest of this stuff, so sorry if my facts are off! Please take all of this ridiculousness with a very fine grain of salt.

Thanks to Legna989 for betaing.

Happy Birthday Nina!

All copyright and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. The remaining content is all the original author's. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.


Normally, I was never one to encourage any of Edward's geek tendencies. I rolled my eyes every time he asked me to go see another fucking comic book or Saturday morning cartoon movie. I huffed and whined every time he spent a whole evening ignoring me and playing Halo 3 with Jasper and Emmett. I sneered when he dragged me into comic book stores and then spent hours there with a bunch of ponytailed dorks debating on those goddamn Alan Moore graphic novels he was so obsessed with. And I nearly broke up with him when he tried to convince me to dress up as Sailor Moon...in the bedroom.

But since it was Edward's birthday, I decided to suck it up and do something nice for him. You'd think after years of being immersed in the geekdom, I would have had some idea of how to go about doing this, but I was completely clueless. I considered hacking into his computer to hit up one of his ComicCon buddies for advice, but in the end, I just sucked up my pride and dignity and went to Jasper.

"Um…Jasper," I practically whispered, knocking softly on his door.

"Yeah, come in," I heard him call from behind the door.

When I opened it he swiveled in his chair and removed his microphone headset, and unfortunately, I actually recognized the World of Warcraft on his screen. He tossed some joystick that looked like a fucking spaceship on the desk and stared at me expectantly.

"Sorry…are you busy?" I asked. My desire to discuss what I had intended was rapidly waning.

"Nah, don't worry, I told them I was AFK. I'm just doing random PVP with a bunch of noobs anyway. Just for kicks."

Jasper barely spoke English.

"Um, yeah. Anyway…I wanted to know…I was wondering if you could tell me where I could get some…stuff."

"Uh, like drugs?"

I snorted. "No. No, I mean…like Star Wars stuff."

His eyes lit up and I groaned internally.

"Hell yeah, what are you looking for? Memorabilia?"

"No, not exactly. Like…like Halloween costumes kinda?"

He cocked an eyebrow. "Halloween costumes? Which character? Chewbacca?"

"No…I was thinking more like Princess Leia. Like when she's that slave girl."

Jasper shifted in his seat and his goddamn eyes practically rolled back in his head. "Really? Can I ask why?"

"No!" I practically shouted. I took a breath and continued. "Well, I'd also need maybe Darth Vader…or a Storm Trooper."

He looked bewildered, but eventually nodded. "Yeah, I can give you a website, but there's also a store in Seattle."

"Great," I blurted, "I'll take them both."


When I went to that godforsaken dork store to buy those godforsaken costumes, I was certain that day would land in my personal history books as the most fucking embarrassing day of my life. I was sorely mistaken.

The night of Edward's birthday, I snuck into his bedroom while he helped clean up after dinner. I slipped into the fucking uncomfortable plastic bra and plastic shackles and dropped the other two costumes on the bed. I rolled my hair into that God awful turd braid and already the weird purple sash thing kept getting all stuck up between my legs. I was fairly certain I looked like a tool; I just hoped that Edward would find it at least mildly titillating.

I grabbed a bunch of his little Star Wars toys and placed them on end of the dresser and on the night table by the bed so it looked like they were hanging around…or something. I'd clearly gone completely nuts over this little role play. I realized I didn't have any mood music so I looked around noticed that he had one record perched on his shelf in amongst the stacks of comics. I grabbed it and raised an eyebrow as I read the front.

Rick Astley? Really?

I shrugged and pulled it from the sleeve. It was pretty and shiny and new-looking. I plunked it on the record player and cued it up to a song called "Together Forever".

I heard Edward calling my name from the hall and I took a deep breath before sprawling myself on the bed.

When he opened the door his eyes bulged. "Bella…oh, Jesus…" he hissed as he surveyed my scantily-clad form. He quickly pushed the door shut behind him.

"What are you doing?" his voice was low and thick.

I carefully lifted myself off the bed and sashayed over to him. "Well, I was thinking we could play….Master."

He groaned and I twisted my fingers into his "Pythagoras is my homeboy" t-shirt and yanked him toward the bed.

"I bought a little costume for you," I purred before pressing my lips against his. He wrapped his fingers around my bare waist and tried to deepen the kiss, but I pulled away. "Would you like to be Darth Vader, or a naughty Storm Trooper, who has his fun with Leia before bringing her to Darth?"

Edward looked at the costumes on the bed, and then back at me, and then back at the costumes. I could have sworn he cringed though I could not for the life of me understand why.

"Uhhh…" he said, looking conflicted and almost apologetic.

"What is it? You don't like my costume? Oh God, would you prefer the white cloak and the cinnamon buns?"

"No, baby, no, you look so sexy it's just…"

"What?" I felt myself getting annoyed at his hesitancy.

"Well, it's just…Leia was kidnapped by Jabba the Hutt. I mean, it had nothing to do with Darth Vader – he operates outside of the Empire. Darth wasn't even there, nor were there any Storm Troopers. It's just… it just doesn't make sense."

I felt my cheeks burning red and my fist clenched around his shirt. "Edward, really? Really? I just wanted to have a little Star Wars fun with you, baby."

He mumbled something and though I caught the end of it, I demanded he repeat it. "What? What did you just say?"

"Return of the Jedi!!! It's not even in Star Wars! It's Return of the Jedi, Bella!"

I knew he was fucking OCD about his geek shit, but this… it was too much. I was close to decking him when suddenly he looked up, in the air, at nothing.

"What is this?" he said pulling away from me and turning to the stereo. "Bella, you didn't…"

"What? What?"

"My fucking Rick Astley…this…Bella this is a signed limited edition first press of Whenever You Need Somebody. It is…or was…mint condition. I cannot believe you played this."

"Jesus Christ of Fucking Latter Day Saints, Edward, you have got to be kidding me!"

He ran to the record player and gingerly pulled the needle off and placed it back in its cradle. "Bella, I'm sorry, I can't, I just…this was the last present my mom gave me before she left. Mint condition. Rick Astley…" He went completely off the deep-end, mumbling to himself as he slid the record painfully slowly back into the sleeve. "I think I just need to be alone for a minute."

I stood for another moment, completely dumfounded. A simple gesture for my nerdy boyfriend on his birthday had taken such a ridiculous turn. I was so angry, hurt, and offended that I didn't know what to do with myself. I looked around and then bolted for the door, slamming it behind me. I put my hands over my face and rubbed vigorously, trying to process what had just happened. I started walking down the hall and when I removed my hands, I looked up to see Carlisle, Edward's father, standing at the other end in front of his bedroom door.

"Bella," he called to me, "is everything all right?"

There was no way I could be more embarrassed. I looked down at my ridiculous costume and groaned. When I looked up again he was standing in front of me.

"Bella, what's going on?"

I could feel my cheeks burning. "I just screwed up this Star Wars thing," I explained, gesturing with a thumb back to Edward's door.

"Return of the Jedi." He corrected me.

"Yes, of course," I said, trying and failing to not sound sarcastic. "Return of the Jedi." So, Carlisle was a nerd too.

"What went wrong?" he asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

I sighed. "Clearly, I know nothing about any of this stuff. Edward is very…particular."

He looked me over again and his expression changed. I shifted and I could feel my blush spread, because for one, Carlisle was a serious DILF and his presence always made me nervous, and secondly, because he looked…he looked like he was enjoying the view.

He leaned into me, and I felt his hot breath on my ear. "Yo bana pee ho-tah, meendee ya," he practically purred.

What the fuck? He was harder to understand than Jasper. "Huh?"

"It's Huttese, Bella. I just said 'your friend is a foolish one, methinks'."

"Oh, right the blob guy. You speak his language…that would have helped with Edward, probably."

"Did you like that?" he asked placing his very warm hand on my very bare shoulder. God, I kind of did.

"I don't know, I, uh...I'm not really into this Star W-, er, Return of the Jedi stuff. I'm not sure I ever will be."

He chuckled darkly and then tugged me toward his bedroom. As he clutched the doorknob he turned to me again. "Kaa bazza kundee hodrudda!" His voice was low and gravelly in my ear.

"Huh?" I asked, my heart pounding as he pulled me into his bedroom.

"Let the challenge begin."