A/N: Takes place during 2x12, Its a Wonderful Lie. So the beginning is just a look into the future of what's going on. I hope its self explanatory. The other part after the insight has the italics. When there are centered italics, those are past quotes that are being remembered. If its italics to the left, its someone's train of thought. I hope that's clear and that no one hates me for this.
Summary: He was okay now. But he was going to get worse. He knew he would. It was only a matter of time before he broke.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Idea\s and pretty much everything comes from my love, Gossip Girl.
There's been an accident.
Is my father okay?
Chuck couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. Nothing mattered anymore as he slunk to the floor, watching as tears clouded the vision of the blond who had lost something that she could never get back. And neither would he.
Are you alright?
I'm so sorry.
Words. Just empty words that mean nothing. Nothing that mattered. Life was empty, just like the sympathy that his best friend tried to give him. Like he could understand. No one could. He vomited.
It will be alright.
No. nothing will be alright. Not anymore.
earlier that night.
What do we have, Chuck? You tell me.
Tonight. So shut up... and dance with me.
She smelled so good. More than good. Amazing. He wanted to drown in her. He was drowing in her. He had been for a long time. And there was no going back.
You were... amazing up there.
Amazing. The most amazing woman that he would ever have the pleasure of taking. The most amazing woman that ever existed. And she was for him. He was sure of it. She wanted him and he wanted her and someday... it would be that way. There wasn't any other way. It was just them.
Her dark eyes sparkled up at him as he held her close, there faces in such a close proximity that he could kiss her. He should kiss her. He should tell her everything that he was feeling. He should tell her that he was feeling. Something that no one thought he was capable of. But with her, he could be anything. He could be good to her. He could be better for her.
"Let's get out of here," he whispered with his dark rasp in her ear. She pulled away. But slightly. Only slightly.
"Maybe," she said coyly.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because it won't last," she told him honestly. "You don't want it to. Only tonight, remember?"
"Not tonight, Chuck," Blair sighed. "We could just... be. Just tonight."
Blair laid her head on his shoulder. This was a foreign action. They weren't new to dancing. Dancing is what they did. Usually before they hurt each other. But not tonight.
He knew the only reason why she was doing that was so she wouldn't have to look into his eyes. He was well aware of what would happen if she did. When they danced, they looked each other in the eyes and never looked away. But tonight was different for many reasons. He was sure of it.
Chuck put his fingers to her chin, tipping her face to his. He kissed her deeply.
"What are you doing?" Blair gasped. She was frightened. So was he. They both didn't know where this was leading, but he couldn't be away from her. Not anymore.
"Being," he breathed and kissed her again, more deeply this time. And this time, she reciprocated. When she broke away, they both realized at the same moment that they had to get away from the party. Now.
Chuck pushed her up against the secluded wall in the deserted hallway by the exit. He buried his hands deep in her flowing locks, trying to drink her all in. His hands drifted from her face when he felt the chain. He smirked into her mouth. She felt it.
"What?" she asked breathily.
"You're wearing it," he said, fingering one of the diamonds delicately in the exact same way he had that night.
"I always wear it," she told him sincerely. He gazed at her. She was... perfect. That was it. And perfect was an understatement. He smirked and leaned into her again.
"Chuck," she moaned after what seemed ages later. "I can't breathe."
"Sorry," the muttered, pulling away.
"No," she shook her head. "I can't breathe. This is so... I can't process this."
"What?" he asked.
"I could say it," she told him softly. "I want to say it. And it would fix everything."
Chuck didn't answer. He didn't know how. It was the one thing he wanted to hear more than anything. But he didn't want her to say it under false pretenses.
"Its not false pretenses," she told him, reading his mind. He laughed. "But I don't want to scare you away again."
"You never scared me, Waldorf," he said into her hair.
"I'm scared now," she said honestly. "I don't know what's coming next."
"I do," he replied.
He smirked and kissed her deeply again. He felt her shudder beneath his touch. She laughed again. He decided he wanted to hear that sound for the rest of his life.
"Wait," Blair heaved. Chuck suppressed the urge to groan. He pushed her disheveled hair from her eyes. "I have to do something."
"What?" he asked.
He suddenly knew what she meant when she couldn't breathe. It was too much. Looking at her was just too much. The bluish haze of the lights danced around her like a halo, accenting her blue dress. She was so beautiful and he wasn't even sure if he could take it.
"Chuck," she said. "I--"
"Don't," he told her. "Not yet. Tell me... when I'm least expecting it. I want to hear it."
"I promise," she grinned. "I'll be right back."
"What are you doing?" he asked.
She smirked. "Surprising you."
She slipped out the exit and into the night. She left him. He wasn't sure if he should follow her. But he wanted to. Like he had known all along. Like he loved her. And he would say it right back because she knew that he loved her too. Because it was true.
This was better. It couldn't get better than this moment. He would follow her. Eventually. He always followed her. It was better than all the one night stands and sluts. For the first time in his life, he felt truly loved. Like he was worth a damn. And that was worth all the heartbreak they caused each other in the past. It was worth waiting. Because she would be his. Forever. He was sure of it.
Chuck looked down at his ridiculously overpriced Rolex. And he realized. This was it. This was the time. He wanted it. He wanted to tell her that he lov--
I don't know, Mom. What's wrong?
Chuck turned slowly to greet his step mother. Suddenly the very real threat of her leaving his father entered his mind again. But for once, it seemed fleeting compared to the euphoria he was experiencing.
"What?" he asked, not able to wipe the satisfied smirk from his face. "What is it?"
"There's been an accident," Lily said carefully.
"Is my father okay?" Chuck asked immediately. That had to be it, right? Why else would it be Lily that was talking to him?
"Charles," she said again. "Your father... he's fine."
Chuck shook his head. "I don't understand."
"Have you seen Blair?"
"Blair..." Chuck said, her name suddenly feeling heavy and foreign on his tongue.
"Serena said she thought she saw you walk off together."
"Serena..." Chuck shook his head again. "I don't understand."
"You were with her?" Lily asked gently.
"What's happening?" he asked, feeling weak for the first time.
"I didn't see it," Lily said. "Serena's outside. When I told her what I heard."
"What?" Chuck asked, his head feeling muddled. "I don't..."
I don't understand.
"There was an accident," Lily said slowly again. "They didn't see her. They... they found her on the sidewalk. The car just jumped the curb. She didn't move. Like she was waiting."
Chuck was just staring. Surely she wasn't suggesting what he thought she was suggesting.
"What?" he whispered deathly. He couldn't muster any breath to speak.
"Are you alright?" Lily asked quietly.
"Am I... am I alright?" Chuck asked. "I don't even know what's going on."
I can't process this.
He couldn't process it. He didn't know what was going on.
"I'm so sorry," Lily said, shaking her head.
"Stop it," Chuck said loudly. "Just stop it."
"Stop saying my name like that," Chuck cried. "Just stop it. Tell me what's going on."
"She was outside when the car hit her--"
"Stop it and tell me that something happened to her," Chuck yelled loudly.
Chuck stood on the edge of the sidewalk. He was just staring. All the lights seemed to be flashing across his face in slow motion. A row of police cars lined the road. And then he saw her. Serena tried to hold him back.
He shoved her off savagely. He fell to his knees. There she was. She was still beautiful. She would always be beautiful. Now she would be beautiful forever. She would be just 18 forever.
"No," he said. He wasn't talking to himself. He was talking to her. He took in her blood caked face and her closed eyes. He would never see her deep dark eyes that seemed to go on for fathoms ever again.
He touched her cold face slightly. He touched the diamonds that adorned her neck again.
"No," he said more loudly this time. "No. don't do this to me, Waldorf."
He heard a commotion behind him. He couldn't look.
"Come on," he said angrily. "You can't do this. You can't leave me like this. Get up. You have to get up."
More noises. The cops were talking loudly about something.
He shook her senselessly. She was cold. She was marble. It hadn't been that long ago. It didn't make any sense. Nothing made any sense anymore. Minutes ago he could taste her, feel her, smell her. She was everything and now... she was just gone. She wasn't there anymore. She was empty. Because of him. So now he was too.
"Wake up, Waldorf," he said. "I love you."
And then it went black.
Serena was in hysterics. She had no idea. She may have loved Blair first but Chuck couldn't think that anyone could love her any more than he did. He was slumped against the building. He couldn't even support his weight anymore.
Chuck Bass never cried. It just wasn't in him. But then again, he never thought that love was in him either. He didn't think he was capable of any deep emotion. It was different now. Before he even had a chance to react, Nate showed up.
"Are you alright?" he asked timidly.
He was okay. Really, he was. For now. He was just in shock now. He couldn't even comprehend living a life without her in it. He didn't know what that was like. He had never done it. She was always a constant presence in his life and he had no idea what it was even like without her there.
He was okay now. But he was going to get worse. He knew he would. It was only a matter of time before he broke.
"I am so sorry."
Chuck couldn't take Nate's sympathy. Nothing made sense anymore. His life was anarchy now. Nate couldn't know. He only knew a world of blonds. He didn't know what it was like to know the other half of your soul. No one knew.
"Nathaniel..." Chuck said darkly.
He couldn't hold it in anymore. He couldn't stop himself. Eleanor had just arrived. About time. It had been hours.
"Chuck?" Nate prompted him.
Chuck keeled over and it all came up. All his feelings and heartache. It was all there on the pavement in front of him. His throat burned and he clutched his stomach.
And he vomited again.
"Its alright," Nate said soothingly, kneeling next to him.
"Stop," Chuck said again. He wished people would just stop talking. He couldn't stand it.
"It will be alright."
"No," was all Chuck could muster.
No. nothing was alright. Now anymore.
He didn't know if Nate got the message. All he saw was black now. Bad had already passed. It was getting worse now. He could feel it brewing inside him. It was only a matter of time before it all exploded.
He could already taste the scotch that would destroy his liver. He could already feel the funeral clothing that he would wear when he would drunkenly arrive and make a spectacle of himself. He could feel the cold necklace between his fingers that he would keep. Cold like her. Cold like death.
His vision was darkening and it would never get light again.
No, it wasn't alright. And it never would be again.