Title: Uncrowned Lord of Azkaban

Author: TardisIsTheOnlyWaytoTravel

Story Summary: At the end of first year Harry is arrested for killing Quirrell. In Azkaban he befriends the Dementors, meets his godfather, institutes a regular poker game and ponders the question of a Dementor Union. Crack!fic. Obviously.



The morning of Harry's birthday he woke early. After showering and dressing, Harry went out into the Dining Hall.

During the night the house elves had covered all the tables with dark red tablecloths and pushed several together to form one long table, and set them with delicate china crockery and silver cutlery. A bunch of silver candlesticks, and a couple of epergnes that looked rather like twisted silver trees and were filled with fruit, acted as decoration.

"Why is everything always black and red?" Harry asked a lurking Dementor. He was wearing his dramatic black and crimson robes again.

They are the colours of the Azkaban heraldic shield, the Dementor explained. My lord, may I introduce you to one of your guests?

Sure, Harry agreed.

The Dementor turned and sent out a wordless mental call. A moment later a very small Dementor even shorter than Harry glided over.

This is Sound of Water Dripping on Moss, the adult Dementor told Harry.

Harry was still getting the hang of Dementor names. Instead of words, each Dementor was associated with an image or sensation that acted as a name. For the little Dementor Harry received a glimpse of dank darkness and the sound of water droplets landing softly on plush, green moss.

Hello, Sound of Water Dripping on Moss said shyly. Her Dementor 'cloak' was yellow, and she was clutching a teddy bear.

Hi, Harry greeted her. How come you're yellow?

One of your advisors did it for me. She held out the teddy bear. This is Mr Ted.

He's very nice, Harry said politely, looking at the worn bear. So you're coming to my party?

Sound of Water Dripping on Moss nodded bashfully.

Thank you for the honour, my lord.

Before Harry could reply, Sirius burst into the hall, pursued by a furious Tesmar.

Tesmar's eyes were dark and snapping, gleaming with malevolence. His stride was intimidating and purposeful.

"What's going on?" Harry asked Sirius as his godfather ran up to him in search of protection.

"He's throwing the Cruciatus around like water!" Sirius panted.

Harry eyed him in cynical suspicion. Someone his age shouldn't have been cynical, but he knew Sirius rather well by now.


"It was a prank!"

"Harry," Tesmar asked, "can you send that idiot over here please?"

"What did he do?" Harry asked curiously.

"He's overreacting!" Sirius told Harry.

"My rooms are filled with water, and fish!"

Harry turned to Sirius.


"They're nice tropical ones," Sirius explained helpfully. "They're very colourful."

Harry thought for a moment.

"You're not allowed to hurt him," he told Tesmar.

Tesmar's vicious grin did not reassure Sirius at all.

He ran for it, and Tesmar stalked after him.

Harry shook his head and went to eat breakfast in his rooms.

A bit before eleven people began Flooing into the vestibule next to the Dining Hall, to be checked out by Sirius and Tesmar and several Dementors. Sirius had a maddeningly itchy and painful rash across his face that spelled 'BERK' which he hadn't been able to remove. Tesmar had felt he deserved worse, but didn't want to upset Harry on his birthday.

Luna and Xenophilius Lovegood arrived first. Luna drifted over to Harry, her father trailing after her, looking dreamily amicable.

"Hello Harry Potter," Luna greeted him.

"Hi, Luna," Harry said cheerfully, eyes fixing on the blue safety-pins dangling from her ears. They matched her dress robes perfectly. "Cool earrings."

Luna's slightly shy smile brightened, and she turned to her father.

"Hello," Xenophilius said vaguely, staring at his own hand before sticking it out for Harry to shake.

"Hello," Harry agreed. "It's nice to finally meet you."

As Harry tried to have a conversation with Xenophilius and Luna, which was difficult but interesting, people trickled into the hall.

A tired looking man with brown hair streaked with grey entered with Professor Dumbledore. The two of them waited nearby until Harry finished his conversation and turned towards them.

"Harry, I would like you to meet Remus Lupin," said Professor Dumbledore. "He is interested in becoming your tutor."

Harry shook hands with the man.

"I would very much like to be your become your tutor," said Remus in a quiet voice. "If you do not mind my saying so, you have grown to look very much like your father. I was a friend of his."

Harry's eyes narrowed as he realised why the name 'Remus' seemed familiar. He sent a quick message to one of the Dementors.

"I'm afraid that my advisors will have to approve your being my tutor," he replied in a polite, but clearly reserved voice.

Out of the side of his vision Harry could see Sirius approaching. As he saw who Harry was talking to he stopped dead, before continuing forwards.

"Your advisors?" Remus repeated, sounding puzzled.

"Hello, Moony," Sirius said quietly.

Remus froze, and slowly turned around.

There was a long moment of silence as the two old friends stared at each other.

Sirius scratched his rash absently as he stared at Remus.

"I'm so sorry, Sirius," Remus said, a little brokenly. "Can you ever forgive me?"

Sirius inhaled on a harsh breath and pulled Remus into an emotional hug.

"Of course," he said into Remus' shoulder. "And can you forgive me, for thinking that you were the spy?"

Remus gave a slightly shaky laugh.

"Of course."

The hug lingered on, neither man quite ready to end the moment yet.

Are they going to kiss? Sound of Water Dripping on Moss asked curiously, coming to a stop next to Harry.

He made a slight face at the idea.

"No, I don't think so. I hope not. I really don't want to see them kiss. That would be gross."

Remus made a choking sound while Sirius burst out laughing, and both men stepped away from each other.

"Merlin, no," Sirius chortled, snickering.

"I think our masculinity has been insulted, Padfoot," Remus said ruefully, smiling. He looked curiously at Sound of Water Dripping on Moss.

Professor Dumbledore cleared his throat, his eyes twinkling.

"Sirius," he asked politely, "I assume that you won't have any problems with Harry's proposed tutor?"

Sirius blinked.

"Tutor? Wait – Remus?"

Remus nodded.

"Albus assured me that the… requirements… of my condition will not be a problem."

"Don't worry, we've got an empty dormitory you can run around in," Harry assured him. "We can just lock it and make sure no one goes in there."

"See, Moony?" Sirius said, smiling. "It's fine."

"Excellent," said Remus. "That just leaves one important question. What in Merlin's name did you do to deserve that?"

He gestured at Sirius' forehead, grinning.

For Harry, the best part of the morning was when there was a shout of "Harry!" and the next minute someone with frizzy brown hair collided with him at high speed, before proceeding to give him a strangling hug.

Harry flailed a bit under the assault, trying to loosen Hermione's death grip enough to breathe properly, while Sirius and Tesmar stood there grinning at him.

"Ooh," cooed Tesmar mockingly. "How sweet."

Harry gestured desperately at him. Tesmar rolled his eyes, still grinning.

"I hate to interrupt, young lady," he said, saccharine-sweet, "but I'm afraid you're strangling dear little Harry."

Hermione gasped slightly and immediately stepped back. Harry a deep breath, feeling relieved.

He looked around to see Ron standing nearby, waiting awkwardly.

"Hello," Harry offered, smiling broadly at them both. "Welcome to Azkaban Fortress."

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione wailed. Harry noticed with alarm that her eyes were filling with tears. "We were so worried about you!"

"Er –" Harry patted her shoulder awkwardly. Hermione gave a sob, and grabbed him for another hug. "I'm fine?"

He exchanged a slightly desperate look with Ron, who shrugged.

There was the flash of a camera.

"Sirius!" Harry glared at his godfather. "Tesmar, steal it!"

Tesmar grinned widely, and lightly tickled the back of Sirius' neck. Sirius yelped and jumped forward, and Tesmar simply plucked the camera from his hands as he went past.

Smirking, Tesmar took a photo of Sirius' startled expression.

"If you'll excuse me," said Tesmar loftily, "I have blackmail material to gather." He stalking off, camera raised ready to take photos. Sirius ran after him.

"Mate, who was that?" Ron asked.

"That was Tesmar, one of my advisors," Harry explained. "He's a bit mental, but Sirius is worse."

"Sirius?" Hermione repeated.

"Yeah, he's my godfather – he was thrown in Azkaban without a trial for helping Voldemort kill my parents, but he was framed," said Harry. "I'm not sure whether he's a bit crazy because of Azkaban, or if he was always that way, but he's okay really."

"You don't mean Sirius Black?" Ron asked in a strangled voice.

"Yes I do," Harry replied firmly. "Come on, Ron. Do you really think that Professor Dumbledore would have let everyone come here if they were in any danger?"

"I don't know," Ron said slowly. "Dumbledore has some awfully funny ideas, sometimes."

"Ron!" Hermione exclaimed in outrage. "Don't be so disrespectful! Harry's right, Professor Dumbledore wouldn't have let us come here if Mr Black really was a murderer. He's not the sort to allow criminals around children."

Harry decided not to tell anyone that Tesmar genuinely had killed someone. It was probably best if that remained a secret.

"It's almost time for lunch," he told his friends. "I should probably go find my advisors so they can announce it. I'll be right back."

Harry found Tesmar unobtrusively hexing people's shoelaces so they were tied together. It wasn't very nice, but it was fairly harmless, so Harry ignored it. Besides, Tesmar had just hexed Professor Dumbledore's shoelaces, and Harry was genuinely curious whether the professor had noticed or not.

"It's almost time for lunch," said Harry. "Can you tell everyone to sit down at the table?"

"Why not." Tesmar pointed his wand at his throat and muttered Sonorus. When he spoke his voice came out really loud, and everyone stopped talking and turned to listen. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU WOULD PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS, IT IS TIME FOR LUNCH."

Each of the table settings had someone's name next to them on a little card, telling everyone where to sit. As everyone milled around looking for their own name, Harry seated himself at the head of the table. Seated on his right side were Sirius, then Tesmar, while on his left were Ron and then Hermione. It was traditional for the Lord of Azkaban's most trusted people to sit with him near the head of the table, and Harry figured that his two best friends definitely counted.

Once everyone was sitting down, the table was suddenly covered with food, courtesy of the house elves.

Lunch was delicious, and everyone seemed to enjoy it. Harry was glad to catch up with his friends, while Sirius and Remus spent the entire time talking to each other.

Afterwards everyone played traditional wizard party games. Most of them had to be explained to Harry, but once he understood how to play, they were all a lot of fun.

The last thing that Harry did before everyone went home was open the presents that everyone had brought him. Most of them were things Harry didn't really care about, like goblets and jewellery and stuff, but some of them were more interesting: Professor Dumbledore gave Harry a really cool watch with planets on it that Harry didn't understand at all, Remus gave Harry a practice snitch, while Hermione and the Lovegoods had both given Harry some books on history and things that might be useful. Ron, of course, had brought Harry a large box of sweets, which Harry also appreciated.

"This is the best birthday I've ever had," he told Sirius and Tesmar, once everyone else had gone home.

Sirius just ruffled his hair fondly.