Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, and I do not make any money from these fictions.
Summary: Bones has a new machine that records the names of all previous partners when it scans a person. Jim is the test subject. The doctor should have known better…
McCoy blinked in disbelief as the list kept growing and growing...and growing...He was afraid that the new equipment was going to start short-circuiting.
The doctor turned a fierce glare to Jim, growling as the Captain only gave him his "Who, me?" innocent look.
Innocent, his ass.
Or actually, that would be Jim's ass that wasn't quite innocent.
"List complete," the computerized voice informed him.
McCoy looked down at the complete list, and then he did a double-take.
"Three-thousand, seven hundred and twenty-three?" he asked incredulously. "You've had three-thousand, seven hundred and twenty-three sexual partners?"
"Um...if that's what it says. I don't exactly keep track, Bones," Jim replied, rolling his eyes.
"You're twenty-five years old! And...three-thousand, seven hundred and twenty-three?" McCoy demanded.
"Well, I lost my virginity at fifteen," Jim informed him. "It's been ten years since then. 365 days to a year, ten years - that's 3650 days, plus the two leap years and the...well, 14 days it's been since my loss-of-virginity anniversary. So, that's 3666 days."
"You've had an average of more than one partner a day?" McCoy asked, gobsmacked.
"Well, I don't have sex every day, Bones," Jim informed him. "But some days I have sex with more than one person...My twenty-first birthday I had sex with twenty-one people. No, wait...twenty-two. I added one for good luck."
"Twenty-one people in one day??!" he asked incredulously.
"Well, I certainly didn't come twenty-two times. But yeah, I fucked three girls and one guy, got fucked by two girls and six guys, and blew ten guys," Jim informed him proudly. "I think I orgasmed six times..."
"You got fucked by two girls?" the doctor questioned.
Jim shot him a look.
"Haven't you ever heard of pegging?" the captain asked, as if Bones should know that every real man got fucked up the ass with a strap-on.
"Of course..." McCoy muttered. "So you've had sex with multiple partners on some nights, and other nights you didn't have sex at all..."
"There weren't many of those last ones," Jim said blithely with an unconcerned shrug. "At least not before I became captain, anyway."
McCoy looked down at the list, more concerned with the more recent entries - he probably knew some of the people.
"Christopher Pike? You had sex with Christopher Pike?" the doctor exclaimed.
"I was comforting him," Jim responded innocently.
McCoy shot him a glare.
"Why...why is Spock listed twice?" he asked after another glance.
"Well, there was the cave-sex with his counterpart, and then the threesome with Uhura," Jim replied matter-of-factly. "So I did actually have sex with two Spocks. The one who belongs here, and the one dragged through the black hole by Nero."
"Yes, and I see that you had sex with Nero, also," McCoy pointed out dryly.
"I performed fellatio as a distraction technique," Jim replied in his most serious Captain-voice.
McCoy didn't buy it.
"And Sulu?" he questioned.
"Adrenaline-fueled 'Thank god we're alive' turbo-lift sex," Jim answered.
"Admiral Komack...and Admiral Nogura?" McCoy persisted.
"Well...I let them both fuck me in order to get their pent-up aggressions out over the whole Kobayashi Maru thing...separately, of course," the Captain reassured.
McCoy sighed, scanning the list again.
"Scotty...Chekov...Sulu, Uhura, Spock, Spock...Chapel!" McCoy's mutters became a yell with the last name. "You fucked my head nurse?"
"No..." Jim trailed off. "She fucked me..."
"Dammit, Jim. I knew you were a nymphomaniac, but I didn't know it was this bad. Is there anyone on this ship that you haven't fucked?" McCoy questioned.
"Well...that little green guy that hangs out with Scotty. Oh, and you, of course," Jim pointed out helpfully.
McCoy gaped at him.
"Is there something wrong with me?" the doctor demanded.
"You're my best friend," Jim murmured, looking at him bewitchingly from underneath those long lashes.
McCoy did not melt.
Nope, not at all. Because Jim could not manipulate him with those clear blue eyes and lush pouty lips and adorably cute glances...
They weren't even adorably cute!
McCoy sighed, cutting off that train of thought.
"I can't believe you had sex with over three-thousand people," he muttered.
"Well, the machine just spits out past partners, right? So I didn't actually have to have full sex with them...a bit of oral or fingering would make it spit out a name just as well, right? I've given a lot of oral in my day...I used to be a bit of a cumslut," Jim admitted.
"Used to be?" McCoy asked incredulously.
"I haven't sucked a guy off since that Orion at the last star base," Jim informed him.
"Jim...that was five days ago..." the doctor pointed out dryly.
"Exactly!" his friend replied.
The good doctor just sighed and glanced down at the machine.
He was going to have a shit-load of paperwork to do.
Command wanted a complete, updated medical chart for the Captain - and that included the "Sexual History" page.
Or, in Jim's case - the book.