Title: Should Have, Would Have
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, and I do not make any money from these fictions.
Rating: M
Summary: Slash. Bones tries to ignore Jim's declarations of love for as long as possible, hoping to keep their friends with benefits relationship the way it is. But maybe he should examine his own feelings…

*****

The first time, they were both really drunk…

Bones thrusted into Jim roughly, the blonde's knees hooked over his shoulders and his body nearly bent in half as the doctor fucked him thoroughly.

"Bones…" Jim moaned, hands clenching in the sheets as he bucked his hips up to meet Bones's thrusts.

The doctor fisted a hand in blond hair, leaning down to plunder those pouty lips that opened in a groan at the stretch. The position brought Jim's cock in contact with the downy hair covering Bones's stomach – and that little bit of friction was all that he needed to explode all over their stomachs.

"Please, Bones. Please," Jim panted as the doctor breaks the kiss. "Come in me. Come on, please."

He wiggled his hips a bit, clamping down on the hard cock still violently impaling him. It was enough – Bones stilled inside Jim, filling that needy little hole with his come.

Bones thought he heard "I love you" as he pulled out and fell asleep, but he figured it was just his drunk mind playing tricks on him…

*****

The second time, they were just glad to be alive…

Bones thrusted into Jim steadily, the blonde's legs wrapped around his waist and undulating sensually as the doctor fucked him methodically.

"Bones…" Jim moaned, blue eyes bright and intense as they locked on the brunette's face.

The doctor leaned down to kiss Jim's neck and shoulders, gently licking each finger-sized bruise decorating his lover's skin like a necklace. That is all Jim needed to orgasm between them with a low moan, his inner muscles clamping down tightly on Bones's pistoning cock.

"Thank you for not leaving me behind," the blonde whispered, gently running his hands up and down Bones's back as the doctor worked towards his own completion. "I don't even want to think where I'd be without you…"

Bones orgasmed inside him, bucking his hips into that hot channel and filling it with his seed.

Jim cuddled up to him and instantly fell asleep, the doctor's soft penis still inside him. Bones lay awake staring at the ceiling for a few minutes – Jim might not have said the exact words, but his meaning was clear.

The blonde might as well have screamed "I love you" into the shipwide communications channel – Bones received the message loud and clear.

*****

The last time, they were honest…

"I love you, Bones," Jim whispered softly, running a hand through the doctor's dark hair.

Bones pulled away, sitting up in bed.

"Jim…when this started, we agreed that the sex would be casual – that we wouldn't ruin our friendship," the doctor reminded him, dark brown eyes serious and intent.

"Bones…it's been three years. I haven't been with anyone else for months – not since Gaila at the Academy," Jim told him, open and earnest.

Bones hadn't known that…Jim still flirted just as much as he always had. Maybe he should have paid more attention to his best friend…

"I'm sorry, Jim. I don't feel the same way," the doctor informed him gently. "Maybe it's best if we just stick to being friends for now."

"Oh," Jim whispered, scrambling away from him and getting out of the bed. "I…okay. I'm…I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have assumed…"

Jim haphazardly threw his clothes on, blushing red in embarrassment and shame.

"Jim…" Bones said gently, reaching out to comfort his friend.

But Bones had been the one to hurt him – and Jim only recoiled from his touch and rushed out of the room.

*****

The first time, he realized that he wasn't as honest as he thought…

Bones held his hands tight to Jim's wound, watching the blood seep out of his best friend and stain his hands and his clothes and the ground…

"I love you," Jim gasped and Bones realized that he needed to tell Jim he felt the same way – he needed his best friend to know that he was not alone.

And then he realized that Jim was not talking to him.

"And I you, t'hy'la," Spock stated softly and seriously, his fingers gently brushing the psi points on Jim's face.

And Bones just sat there, trying to concentrate on staunching the flow of blood, as Spock touched Jim gently and told him just how much he was loved. If only he had his bag – his tricorder and dermal regenerator and hyposprays. But Jim was fading fast, and even Bones could see the fear in the Vulcan's eyes.

It reflected the fear that Bones felt himself – that fear, accompanied by a sense of loss.

Because he could not even tell Jim that he loved him before he died – Jim would not believe him, and it would only hurt Spock.

Unless Jim no longer loved him – then it would just hurt Bones.

The doctor did not feel like taking that chance.

So he just watched the red seep over his hands despite his best efforts – and then he watched the light seep out of those blue eyes.

He should have told Jim his feelings months ago, instead of being a coward afraid of ruining their friendship – because then at least he would have the memories of their time together, rather than a heart full of regrets and hands stained red with blood.