Un-Break My Heart
"Pops! No! Please!"
I smiled tiredly and put my hands on my knees as I pushed myself up. I brushed back stray tendrals from my face as I walked out of the bathroom.
"Hurry Pops! She's coming!"
Despite my day I couldn't help but chuckle softly as I heard that. I walked down the stairs and along the corridor to the living room. Upon entry I saw a sight that made me want to laugh out loud.
My dad sat on the recliner smirking at me with the throw from my couch thrown over his lap covering a bump. The bump wiggled a little before a small hand shot out and pulled the blanket tighter over his face.
"Dad, you seen my little munchin anywhere?" I asked eye brow raised.
"No, I haven't" he smirked.
"Really?" I asked as I stalked over to the chair. I quickly grabbed the lump causing a boyish squeal as I lifted him up.
"Argh, Mommy! No!" he squealed while giggling as I tickled him causing the blanket to drop to the floor revealing my naked little six year old. His short, dark bronze hair still damp and currently plastered to his head. He squirmed as I held him.
"Go on champ. Let your momma get you sorted and to bed" Charlie insisted and winked as I mouthed a 'Thank You' to him.
"What?! Pop, no! I don't wanna!" he whined and wiggled more.
"Come on, munchkin" I smiled and carried him back up stairs but into his room. I sat him on his bed and grabbed the previously discarded towel and began drying him off. Thankfully he brightened up and began playing with his car as I dried and dressed him. I sent him to brush his teeth as I picked up his left out toys and clothes. After putting them in the wash I walked into his room to see him already under the covers smilling at me. I smiled back at him as I approached.
"Hi momma" he whispered
"Hi baby" I brushed his now dry hair back as I sat on the edge of the bed, "Ready for bed?"
"Yeah" he yawned
"Well let's tuck you in" I stood and crouched over him and tucked the duvet around him.
"Goodnight, baby" I kissed his forehead softly,
"Night, momma. Love you" he mumbled sleepily.
"I love you too, Masen" I whispered as I walked out the room. Just before I shut the door I heard his little voice,
"Pop, be here tomorrow?"
"Yeah" I chuckled, "He'll be here"
In case you hadn't guessed my son had an absolute obsession with my Dad. I sometimes think it's because my Dad lives in Forks still and that it's about a four hour flight to Chicago. But then sometimes I think it's because he's the only male figure in his life and for that I can never forgive myself.
I was on my own now. Masen was in bed hours ago and my Dad had followed only a little later. I had sat with my tub of Ben and Jerry's, and my bottle of white wine. I had spent the night watching films and drinking and eating. I glanced at my matnel and saw a picture of me and Masen when he was four. We had spent the day in the park and I had made a little picnic. It was a beautiful sunny day and I had asked a passing couple to take a picture. His grin was massive showing off his teeth as I stood smiling with my arms wrapped around him from behind. I felt my eyes fill with tears as I thought about him. Max. He was only a baby when I last saw him. He had the same bronze hair and stunning green eyes as his brother and his father. I bit my lip to hold in my sob. I always cried buckets when I thought of the son that wont remember me and my failed marriage.
It started in collage when I met him. I was 19 and newly independent. He was so handsome, like a mythical adnois before my eyes. God, he was perfect, so perfect. He was studying to become an architect and I was studying English still unsure of what to do. We'd been together two years and were going strong when I fell pregnant. I was so scared but he was calm and reassuring and he stayed with me. He bought an apartment with his recently accessible trust fund and moved us in. I can remember I was four months when he proposed. I of course said yes. It was a week later in Vegas when I had the documents proving I was no longer Miss Isabella Marie Swan but Mrs Edward Anthony Cullen instead. Alice, his sister was furious, she wanted her big brother to have a grand and formal wedding. She was nearly 18 then and obsessed with one of Edward's friends Jasper. I smiled at the thought of the short pixie.
Shit, I need a social life. It's Friday night and I'm sat crying over my past. I stood up and wiped my eyes before walking to the kitchen. I put away my wine glass and popcorn bowl before climbing upstairs. I walked into the dark room and quickly changed into my pyjarmas. I snuggled into my duvet and tried to sleep. I thought about everything and that included the night it was started. The night that showed the break down of my marriage.
"Please, Masen" I begged my child as he cried, "Go to sleep"
I was near tears my self; I had been on my own for two days as Edward was at a conference in L.A. Max had already gone to sleep and was upstairs in the nursery.
"Please, sweetie. Mommy's so tired. Go to sleep" I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I leant back on the wall and sunk to my knees as more tears fell. I couldn't do this. No sleep and looking after the boys alone 24/7. Edward was nearly always at work or in a meeting or one thing or another. Sure, he's in the middle of setting up his firm but shit I needed him. Here with me and our sons. I had no company just the twins. Plus I was too young to be a mother to one child let alone two. Sure I'm mature for my age but I don't think that's helpful when I can't even quieten my distressed son. I'm terrible mother. I sobbed into Masen's blanket.
"Bella?" Esme called from the front door. God, she can't see me like this! I was about to get up when I heard a gasp. I looked up and saw Esme's worried and shocked expression.
"Bella!" she rushed to my side and checked me and Masen, "What an earth's wrong?"
"I-I can't d-do this" I shook my head, wailing as tears slid down my cheeks.
"Ssh! Now dear, let me put Masen to bed. He's asleep now" I glanced at my angel and sure enough he was asleep, "Then we'll talk. Okay?"
I nodded and handed Masen over. I didn't even notice her go and then come back. She brushed my dishevelled hair from my tear stained face.
"Calm, down sweetie" she caught a tear and brushed it aside, "Now let's sit on the sofa and talk about this" I stood up with her help and sat next to her on the sofa, "Tell me what's wrong"
"So much" I sobbed
"Define, so much"
"The twins always cry and I never know what's wrong. I'm mostly alone as well, 'cause my mom's in Phoenix and Alice is at collage and you're at work. Edward's never at home and when he is he's exhausted. I mean he rarely even kisses me anymore! Just a peck on the lips before he leaves for work; and that's if I'm lucky!" I let out a hard sob, "But really I don't know how to cope, I'm too young to be a proper mother to Max and Masen, I mean sure I used to look after my mom but that was making dinner and paying bills! I just … I-I-I-" I burst into fresh tears, as she held me, "Everything is so screwed up!"
She let me cry into her for God knows how long until I simply had no more tears to cry. She gently pulled my face to hers and brushed my sopping wet cheeks.
"Bella, dear. Why didn't you tell me earlier? I could have helped more"
"I-I-I didn't w-want to b-bother you"
"Oh, sweetheart!" she kissed my forehead as she frowned at my thoughts, "They're my grandchildren and you're practically my daughter, I would make time to help you" she crushed me into a strong hug.
"Does Edward know?" she whispered, I shook my head.
"He's never around anymore; and when he is I don't want to worry him. He's over working himself as it is"
"He is. You're right. But Bella, he needs to know" she looked thoughtful for a moment before continuing, "He's home tonight from L.A.?" I nodded, "Good, Carlisle and I will take the twins and you two have a good long talk tonight. No ifs or buts"
I sighed but nodded.
It was four hours after Esme had taken Max and Masen. Edward would be home anytime now and I had tried my best to look nice and had cooked his favourite meal. The table was set, wine chilling and I was in a nice skirt and top for the first time in months. I heard the purr of Edward's Volvo and saw the flash of its head lights through the curtains, and I knew he was home. I sat on one of the stools at the island in the kitchen. The candles flickered as the door opened.
"Bella?" his velvet voice called through our house
"In the kitchen!" I shouted. He walked in as he loosened his tie. My heart skipped a beat as I took him in. God I missed the fool! I leapt into his arms before he could register it himself. Our lips found each other instantly.
He deepened it as I pulled his hair. I was shocked at first but quickly responded. He pulled back and nuzzled his head into my neck as his peppered kisses on my neck. I smiled at the attention and surge of love, as he spoke,
"I missed you"
"I missed you, too" I kissed his hair. He looked up and I met his tired green eyes.
"I'll be back. I'm gonna go see my boys" he announced and went to walk away. I grabbed his hand and pulled him to me.
"They're with your mom" I told him
"Why?" I looked down and played with his fingers as I said my next words,
"She thought we deserved a night to our selves and since you're back early today instead of other nights she said she would take them for us" I twisted the truth
"Oh" I saw slight disappointment in his eyes when I looked up but they perked back up again, "Just us? We haven't had night just us in ages"
"I know. Plus I made your favourite"
"Yeah. New York Steak"
"Perfect. I'm going to change first though"
"Okay. I'll serve up"
We mostly ate in silence with the odd pleasantry. I was clearing away while Edward sat in the living room. Once the dishes were left to drain I joined him. The T.V was off he was just watching the fire with his glass of wine swirling in his hand. I walked in and he looked up, and smiled. He placed his glass on the coffee table and then opened his arms to me. I snuggled into his embrace and enjoyed the serenity. It was peacefully quiet but I didn't even realise I was crying until Edward looked down at my face. He made me look into his eyes as he wiped my tears away.
"Love, what's wrong?"
He was met with a silence until I broke it and said word vomit,
"Everything" I whispered as I unleashed the floodgate of tears.
"Everything? What do you mean everything?"
"I can't cope" I rested my head on his chest
"With the twins, Edward! I'm alone all the time and they seem to always cry. I have no clue what I'm doing!" I sobbed
"Of course you do, Bella! You're a brilliant mother! You're not alone!" he argued hugging me close. I broke from his arms. I pulled back and stared at him,
"No! Edward! I am alone, constantly!"
"I'm here Bella!"
"You're not! You're never here, anymore!"
"Yes, because I'm working to build up my business! Our future!"
"I don't want it if you're never here!" I stood up, and started pacing, "I want my husband! I want him here to help and support me! I want to be held at night for fucks sake! Not alone in a big cold bed!" I stood staring at him as my breathing calmed down from my sobs.
"That's what you think?" he whispered dejectedly, studying the wine glass
"Yes" I cried almost silently, his head shot up and he looked into my eyes.
"I'm only doing this for us Bella! I don't want to be working fucking fourteen hour days! Hardly home! I'm fucking missing my son's growing! And I'm missing my wife! You're not the only one fucking affected by this!"
"I would know!! Have you had a chance to call your mom today, huh?" I didn't wait for an answer, I just continued, "No I guess not! I lied, Edward, the only reason your mom had the twins is because she found me in tears clutching Masen, sobbing into his blanket because I couldn't cope!! She made me let her take them so we could talk but you're being as stubborn as fucking always!! So don't tell me that I'm not the only one affected 'cause I know damn straight I'm not the only one affected!!"
We just stared at each other as I held back the sobs that racked through me.
"I sick of yelling and arguing" I whispered, "I'm going to bed. Alone. You can sleep on the couch. You know where the blankets are" I walked away but stopped at the doorway not bothering to turn around, "Don't worry I'm used to sleeping alone now"
I ran upstairs and changed into my pyjamas before collapsing into bed and crying myself to sleep.
I woke up yet again early morning unable to sleep leaving things how I did with Edward. I heard a creak and sat up. I looked to the door to see Edward's figure step into the room, illuminated in the moonlight. We locked eyes for what seemed like days. He slowly walked to the bed before sitting on the edge.
He brushed his hand through my hair before cupping my right cheek, rubbing his thumb over the skin under my eyes on the apple of my cheek.
"I'm so sorry" his voice broke as he spoke quietly, "I'm so stupid not seeing it before. You're worn out" he brushed his fingers on the bruises under my eyes.
"So are you, though" I repeated the gesture as I whispered, "You're over working yourself" he sighed.
"I shouldn't have yelled" he ignored my comment
"Neither should I. I'm so sorry" I felt tears well up in my eyes again
"Me too, love" he kissed a stray tear away
"I was unfair and the comments I made were uncalled for"
"As were mine"
"I don't know how you can look at me right now"
"I do" he closed his eyes and gave me an Eskimo kiss "You're the love of my life. You're my wife. You're the mother of my children. I could never; I will never stop loving you let alone ignore you. You're too precious to loose over an argument"
"God, I love you" I cried into his ear, as I clutched him to me, my arms tightly around his neck.
"I love you too, mi Vida" his arms circled my waist. I grabbed his head and pulled his lips to my own. His lips were displaying all the emotions he and I were both feeling; Anger, Hurt, Sadness, Worry. I deepened it and pulled him closer. We needed to breathe but Edward's lips never left my skin, kissing his way up and down my neck. He pulled back looked at me,
"I was so scared" he truly looked like a little boy again, so vulnerable."What of?" I brushed back his hair and ran my fingers through his bronze locks.
"Of you leaving. I thought you'd go" he admitted
"Oh, Edward. I can't. I could never" I shook my head, "I love you way too much"
I kissed him repeatedly on the lips, as we spoke.
"I couldn't help but think I'd wake up to a note and you gone" he mumbled against my moving lips.
"Never" I pulled him down on top of me, as our lips met, "I love you so very much"
"I love you too, baby. So, so much" I nodded as he kissed me again. I pulled the cover over us both to keep warm.
"Stay" I begged almost silently as we wrapped our arms around each other in a loving embrace.
"Forever" he agreed against my lips as he laid me down and proceeded to show me exactly how much he loves me.
That was the night everything started. We made up of course but it didn't last for long. Edward soon had more meetings and courses to attend; and the boys became harder to handle on my own as they quickly grew. I felt the tears slide down my cheeks and I clutched the duvet deeper in my grasp as I willed sleep to come and not the painful memories.
"Come on, Bella. Stop being stupid" Edward told me as he followed me into our bedroom."So now I'm stupid Edward" I snapped at him,
"Acting like this yes! You are being stupid!"
"Well I am sorry. Having to put up with me, my heart bleeds for you! Really it does!" I pulled my suitcase from our closet.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" he yelled as I began dumping my clothes in.
"What does it look like I'm fucking doing?!" I shouted back. He pinched the bridge of his nose, as I went to my dresser and emptied my draws.
"You can't just leave like this!" he exclaimed, I could see him grinding his teeth together, a tell tale sign of his extremely bad temper. But right now I wasn't allowed to care. I stormed off to the twin's nursery, a duffle bag in hand. I took half of the clothes.
"What the fuck?! Put them back!!" he took the clothes I had already put in and threw them back in the draws.
"NO!" I took them back and grabbed other things. It was gonna kill me to leave him but also one of my boys. I let out a sob as I stroked Max's sleeping form. I brushed his tuff of bronze hair back, and kissed his forehead,
"Goodbye, Max. My little angel. I will miss you so much. I love you more than my life" I whispered and kissed him again. I wiped the tears away as I went to the other crib, and picked up Masen. I was so torn between my gorgeous boys so that I picked purely by name. I had named Masen and he had named Max. I didn't want to leave either of them but I wouldn't be able to cope physically or financially with both boys ut no matter how much it pains me, it has to be done. I put him in his snow suit, then in his crib until I had finished.
"BELLA! PUT HIS STUFF BACK NOW!" he bellowed fists clenched, I ignored him as I held Masen's duffel.
As I walked back into the corridor, I chucked the bag down stairs. I stormed into our room and zipped up my case before grabbing it and going to the door. He grabbed my wrist as he spoke,
"Don't do this Isabella. You're making a huge mistake" he spoke quietly yet angrily.
I pulled away, choking on a sob and went downstairs. I got the keys to my car and went outside, into the pouring rain. I unlocked my car and threw my bags in the trunk. I took out one car seat and as I made my way back inside I reluctantly shoved it into Edward's gut winding him, to give me more time. I ran upstairs, trying not to trip. I got another bag and put my toiletries in. I came out of our en-suite to see a drenched and seething Edward,
"Don't call me that!" I hissed
"I can't believe you're doing this you're such a hypocrite!! Always telling people not to give up and hear you are walking out on your own flesh and blood! Your own son!!" as he said this I shoved in my toiletries, "You coward!"
I went to get my hair dryer as he continued,
"Leaving your own child! You're a bad mother, Isabella!!" I lost it and threw the hair dryer at him, hitting him on the forehead. He cursed loudly as he touched the gash before examining the blood on his fingers. I picked up the closest thing, which happened to be a candle. Tears streaming down my face,
"I can't believe you!!!" I threw the candle and another candle and the last one.
"Well you better!!!" he bellowed.
I looked up to him and he had a huge gash on his forehead, from the hair dryer that was bleeding slightly and dripping onto his white shirt. I tried not to breath in it's rusty smell as I went over to the dresser and grabbed our wedding photo. I got it out of the frame,
"Bella" he whispered softly all anger gone, "please don't- "
I cut him off by ripping the photo in half, right down the middle.
"It's over, Edward" I sobbed quietly.
I let the halves fall to the floor before I walked over to where I'd left my bag. I took the bag and headed to the nursery seeing that both my angels were now awake. I lent over Max's crib, crying quietly. I gently stroked his face and brushed his locks from his wide, beautiful eyes. I placed kisses all over his face as he smiled before leaving a lingering kiss on his forehead as my tears dripped on him. I walked over to Masen and clutched him tightly before exiting. I ran outside and plugged Masen in, and left my duffel in the back. I went inside and found Edward stood there, looking helplessly at me.
"Don't leave me" he spoke almost silently
"I have too" I whispered looking down
"You don't. Whatever it is we can make it work" he rushed me to him and held my face in his hands, making us look eye to eye. His eyes looked so broken and lost, probably a replica of my very own at this moment,
"No Edward, we can't. This is for the better-" I was cut off as he crashed his lips to mine. I grew weak and enjoyed my last kiss. I held him closer, my left arm wrapped around his neck pulling me onto my tip toes as the other fisted his shirt as he deepened it. I was running out of breath so I pushed back on his chest and let my arms fall to my sides. He grabbed my face forcing me to look at him. Tears slowly crawled down his face. He wiped away my own. I rested my hand on his cheek, and he leaned into my touch. I ran my free had through his tousled hair for the last time. I caught a stray tear on my other thumb and rubbed it away.
"I didn't mean it any of those things I said. You're not a bad mother. You're brilliant, perfect. Don't do it. Don't leave. Please. You cant go. Please." he cried quietly. I opened my mouth but he cut me off, "The twins?"
"I'll take Masen and you take Max"
"No, Bella. Just stay and they can grow up together as brothers"
"Edward, don't you see? This isn't going to work anymore. It's the best and most pain free option. You named Max so you have him and I'll take Masen. Please Edward, try to understand"
"Bella …" he voice broke, "I love you. I need you. We need you. Together as a family. We can do whatever you want. We'll go to conciling, therapy, anything. I'll do anything … anything"
"I'll send you the paperwork" I mumbled unable to say anything else,
"No Bella, don't" he gripped my head, carefully, yet frantically holding my forehead to his own as he pleaded, "No. Bella, please. Don't leave me, us. Please. Bella, please. You're breaking my heart" He begged as my own heart broke even more.
"Edward, don't make this harder than it already is" I cried as more tears fell.
"Then don't go. Stay. I can't live without you"
"Edward" I sobbed harder. I can't not go. I need to. We need me to. The twins need me to, too.
"Bella …" he leaned in and kissed the corner of my mouth, ever so softly. He dragged his lips along my jaw and up the side of my face. I involuntary closed my eyes, as my tears fell more rapidly. He kissed them away, tenderly. He kissed under my ear, then behind it and then on it. No don't say it. Please don't say it. It will just make this harder, I silently begged and more tears fell from my eyes. He left his lips there as his whispered,
"I love you, mi vida"
I sobbed harder, as he whispered those five words that make my life whole. The same words he said when he first told me he loved me, when he proposed and when we wed.
"I have to g-go"
"No you don't"
"But you love me" he half whispered half questioned, I automatically nodded slightly, then cursed myself as I regretted it realising he would hurt more, "Then say it please. If you have to leave, at least tell me one last time that you love me. One last time. I need to h-hear it. P-p-please"
I slowly leaned up and pressed my lips to his ear,"I love you" I whispered ever so quietly, and then I looked down and nuzzled his neck, before kissing it lovingly while my tears dampened his neck. I shakily breathed in his scent committing it to memory, as I took a deep breath, "But now I have to go"
"No. No, no no no-" I kissed his lips softly and then slowly pulled away.
"I'm so sorry" I pulled myself from his arms and ran to the car. I got in, seat belt on and sped off, not looking back. I drove and drove until I reached the airport, constantly wiping my tears. Then I boarded the plane and tried my hardest not to look back on everything I'd left behind.
I woke up gasping and covered in sheen of sweat. I rested my forehead in my hand as a tears fell. All those years ago I left my heart and it never followed. I shakily got up and went to my closet. I opened the door and pulled a small black velvet box from underneath the folded cloth hidden from sight on the top shelf. I sat back on my bed with both objects and carefully opened the lid to the box to reveal the sparkling white gold ring and band. More tears fell as I slipped them onto my left, ring finger. They fit perfectly as usual. I wiped my hands across my eyes as I continued to stare at the jewels. My hands touched the folded material; it was his black sleeved shirt. I never knew how it ended up in my case but I must have grabbed it when I left. I clutched the shirt tightly in my hands and brought it to my chest smelling the now faint smell of him on it. A sob broke through me. I saw a light flick on through the crack under my door. I quickly put the rings into the box, but I wasn't fast enough to put them away as my door opened. There stood my Dad, Charlie, in his plaid pyjamas. His face looked pained when he saw me crying surrounded by a ring box, and Edward's shirt.
"Bells … " he whispered. I broke down then, everything I tried to hide came out. Dad rushed over and quickly but carefully placed them back in my closet. He then sat on my bed and pulled me to him. I clutched his top and stained it with my tears."Shh …. Sweetheart, shhh …. It's okay … I'm here" he brushed back my hair from my face and kissed my forehead.
Charlie was never one to show emotions he never knew how before but since that day so many years ago, he's slowly but surely starting to adjust. I don't know how long I cried for but when I was finished I wiped my eyes and looked up to Charlie,
"I miss him" I whispered barely audible,
"I know" Charlie soothed,
"I-I-I still love him you know" my voice broke
"You never stopped" he added, and I nodded into his chest and was lulled back to sleep as Charlie stroked my hair.
Months had passed since that night. The night I broke down and cried six years worth of pain and heart ache away. Unfortunatly since then I was doing what had done the first two years of Masen's life. I was wearing my rings on a long silver chain. No one had noticed but Masen yet. He just thinks it's a new necklace, thankfully.
It was Christmas and I finally going to Charlie's this year instead of him coming to us. I was dreading it and yet at the same time was excited. I hadn't been to Forks since I left him. His parents lived there. It was cowardly I know but I couldn't deal with it and probably still cant. I know Carlisle and Esme probably ask about Masen like I know Charlie asks about Max. Every now and then he'll mention that Carlisle and Esme are ok but I know he's secretly telling me my other baby boy is healthy and happy.
"Momma! Is that it? Are we here?" Masen questioned from the back seat, excited to see Pop's home.
"Yeah, baby it is" I smiled as my childhood home came into view.
I parked up the rental car behind the cruiser and got out. I took in the house, noting that nothing had changed. I heard a soft tapping and turned to see Masen's impatient face as he tapped at me to get him out. I laughed and unlocked the door. He leapt out and ran to the house ignoring my protests. I got out our bags as I heard my Dad,
"There's my trouper!"
"I know! I'm here. I'm so excited!" Masen grinned in my Dad's arms as I approached.
"Hey Dad" I smiled and kissed his cheek as he gave me a one armed hug.
"Hi Bells. Flight ok?"
"Yeah, great" I smiled as we walked into the coasty home, "I'll just put the bags upstairs"
My Dad nodded at me, smiling as Masen told him about the flight. I dumped our bags on my old bed, smiling slightly at my youthful bedroom before joining my family downstairs.
"… then he gave me some sweets!" MAsen grinned as he finished his tale about being able to visit the cockpit of the plane.
"Wow, that's sounds brilliant, sport" Charlie smiled
I walked into the room and took in the decorations.
"Jeez, Dad it looks like Walmart threw up in here" I laughed and fingered the tinsel on the mantle.
"Well, I wanted it to be nice and festive when you guys came up here" he smiled sheepishly.
"That's nice Dad, thanks" I kissed his forehead causing my inherited blush to fill Charlie's cheeks, "So got any food in?"
"Actually, I went grocery shopping this morning"
"Really? Well then anyone hungry?"
"Thought you'd never ask" Charlie chuckled.
"Yeah! I'm so hungry momma" Masen looked up smiling from Charlie's lap, "Please can we have something to eat?"
"Sure, baby" I squatted down to my son and grinned, "Want some yummy sugar cookies for dessert?"
"Yes!" he grinned, his little eyes twinkling, "Please!"
I nodded, laughing a little, as I stood up and went into the kitchen to start cooking. I rummaged around in the freezer and found some fish from one of Charlie's trips. I pulled them out and saw that they were thankfully filleted. I closed the freezer and left the fish to defrost in the fridge. They wouldn't take too long. I went to the cupboards and found the newly purchased potatos. I started peeling and chopping before boiling them. I took some runner beans from the fridge and boiled them as well. Smiling as I saw the bottom shelf full of Vitamin R. I grabbed one, laughing quietly, and walked into the living room where Charlie was educating Masen yet again about Baseball.
"Here" I smiled and handed my Dad the can.
"Thanks Bells" he smiled briefly before continuing his conversation.
I walked back into the kitchen, checked the food before making the batter for my sugar cookies.
"Love you Momma" Masen yawned as his eyes fluttered close. I smiled softly and brushed back his hair tenderly.
"Love you too, baby" I leant down and pressed my lips to his forehead. I carefully stood up, careful not to jossle him. He looked so small in my bed. We had decided, since it was a two bedroom house and we didn't want to have to buy a air matrass, that Masen and I would share my old bed.
I quietly shut the door and made my way downstairs. While my Dad watched T.V I quickly cleared up Masen's toys.
"Hey Bells?" Charlie asked me from where I was knelt on the floor.
"Hmm?" I reached for his car and truck set.
"You and Masen going anywhere tomorrow?"
"Why?" I glanced at Charlie and saw him biting his lip slightly; a traight of my own.
"It's Christmas Eve"
"It's just … I, you see-"
"Spit it out Dad" I laughed as I stood up with Masen's bag of toys.
"We've been invited to a party"
"You mean you have. No one knows I'm here"
"No, you're invited" Charlie took a swig of his beer, "It said Charlie and Family"
"Oh" I bit my lip and played with the zip on the bag of toys, "Whose party?"
"Carlisle and Esme's" Charlie almost whispered as my breath left me.
"Every Christmas Eve they have a big fancy party. Well we're invited"
"Dad, you know I-"
"Bella. Haven't you wanted to see him?"
"Yeah, of course I have. You know I have"
"Well come with me"
"Dad, I really can't" I shook my head trying to hold back my tears
"You can Bells. You've moved on. He's moved on. Maybe now you can create a custody agreement, visitations or something"
"Dad, please, drop it. It's Christmas I don't want to think about this right now"
"I'll shut up if you come" he pleaded as I felt my determination waver, "I'll drop it. You don't even have to stay long. An hour tops"
"But I don't have a dress for anything that fancy"
"You do" he smiled pleased I'd agreed in a way, "Your Mom sent you a dress"
We sat in silence for a minute until I broke it,
"Okay" I whispered, "Only for a little while then Masen and I will leave but you can stay if you want"
"Thanks Bells" he smiled, "It means a lot to me"
"It's fine. I suppose this could be my closure. I could really move on after this" I smiled a little at the thought of having a pain free love life.
"Exactly. Oh, by the way you're dress from your Mom is in my room, it's on my bed"
"Thanks. Night Dad" I kissed his forehead
I walked out the room but paused on the stairs,
"Dad?" I called out and swallowed deeply
"Will he be there?"
"From what Esme said he's arriving on Christmas Day cause of work, but sent Max ahead with Alice"
"Oh" I let out a small breath of relief, "Thanks"
I quickly climbed the stars and retrieved the package from my Mom. I went into the bathroom and changed into the pyjaramas I'd left in there and brushed my teeth. I faintly tip toed to my room and let myself in. as I placed my clothes and the parcel on the floor I heard Masen's quiet little snores and smiled to myself. I slid into bed and pulled his little body carefully to my own as not to disturb him. He snuggled into me and I kissed his head before letting sleep come to me.
"Momma?" Masen asked as I brushed my wet hair.
I had an hour before we had to leave and I'd just gotten out of the shower.
"Why we dressing like this?"
"Cause we're going to an grown up party"
"Oh" it was silent for a moment and I heard him fidget, "I don't like these clothes"
"Neither do I baby. Momma has to wear a dress. Yuck!" I smiled as I heard him giggle, "You do me a favour, Mase?"
"Will you go downstairs and play with Pop while Momma get's ready"
I looked behind me and smiled at my son's crooked smile before he lept up and practically ran downstairs. He looks adorable in his little outfit. Turns out my Mom had sent an outfit for all of us as part of our Christmas presents. Masen was in a black waistcoat and trouser set with a white shirt that had grey strips on it. He insisted on wearing his balck boots and sicne they were similar to loafers and he inherited my stuborness I said yes.
I hurriedly blow dried my hair before pulling it back into a stylish bun. My bangs fell loose but I knew they'd never cooperate so I left them framing my face as I applied a tiny amount of make up. I pulled on a pair of panties with a matching strapless bra before pulling out my dress. I slid it on and managed to zip it up without too much trouble. I looked in the mirror and smiled. It was flattering, very flattering. The strapless dress was light grey and had an empire waist with a thin coral pink band under the bust. It went past my knees but not to the floor and had a floatly look about it.
I slid on the matching coral pink flats Renee had also sent and thanked God they weren't heels. I put in some simple silver studs and then my chain containing my rings. The chain was just long enough to hide my rings under the neckline of the dress and still look like a fashionable and simple chain necklace. I grabbed the provided clutch that was filled with nesecities and headed downstairs slowly to avoid tripping. I walked into the room, still watching my feet so I didn't trip. I looked up and saw my son looking so striking it caused me to smile proudly.
"Hey baby" I squatted down in front of him and brushed lint off his jacket, "You look so charming"
"Thanks momma. You look pretty" he smiled up at me
"Thank you" I kissed his forehead and looked at my Dad. He stood in front of the mirror grunting and mumbling. I laughed softly and stood. I spun him around and straightened the tie he was struggling with. I raised my eyebrow in question to his new suit.
"Renee" he rolled his eyes and grabbed his coat, "Let's go"
I chewed my lip insesently as I wrung my hands as we turned up the winding drive. Charlie and Masen chatted absentmindedly as I worried and panicked. I glanced right and did a double take. Another drive? As we approached, and it curved round and allowed me to see a small bungalow.
"That's new" I muttered
"Guest house" Charlie answered
"Oh" I bit my lip harder as not to ask the question that was burning my lips,
"Edward built it" Charlie mumbled answering my unspoken question.
The twinkling lights in the trees increased as we drew closer to the white mansion. I swallowed a lump in my throat as I saw all the cars. Charlie pulled over and parked the cruiser. Butterflies errupted in my stomach as the thought of the whole town, whom in which I haven't seen in six years, all inside the house where my ex in-laws and my angel were.
"Bells" Charlie called worriedly from his seat, "You know what? I was stupid, let's go home-"
"No Dad. Come on, let's go" I unbuckled my belt and got out the car. I wouldn't let the gossips of Forks win. Masen automatically came to my side and clutched my hand. He hated crowds and was always shy with new people. I bent down and tried to smile reassuringly at my timid son,
"Baby, you stick with Momma all night or if you loose me find Pop but don't wonder around out of my sight or talk to people you don't know, okay?"
He nodded and smiled as I stood up straight and brushed his unruly hair back. We walked the short walk to the porch, Charlie shooting worried glances at me,
"I'm fine, Dad" I smiled, "Really"
"If you're sure" I nodded and he opened the door letting the loud music flow out along with the heat. We walked in and as the door closed the heat and noise encased us. I saw the sea of suits and gowns, and felt the butterflies suddenly turn to knots in my stomach. Nervously I picked Masen up and held him close on my hip. Charlie smiled shyly and patted my hand before leading us through the crowd. I heard hushed voices talking behind us but held my head high deciding to take in the room. It hadn't changed much since the last time I'd been here. Charlie lead us to the arm chair near the fireplace.
"You're doing great Bells" Charlie whispered encouragingly.
"Momma, who are-" But then everything stopped. Evreything froze as I heard a loving voice call out,
"Charlie! I'm so glad you came"
She beamed and glided over briefly hugging my Dad as her dressed swished around her feet.
"I told you I would" he smiled tightly
"Yes but I always feel you'll pull out last minute" she smiled and glanced to where I was stood on Charlie's left and smiled at me before looking back. Her face froze and whipped back to me in pure shock.
My dry mouth opened and closed twice before I croaked out an answer,
Before I knew it her amrs were clamped around me in a tight embrace as she whispered 'Oh God' over and over. She pulled back with tears in her green eyes, but smiling non the less.
"I missed you so much, darling" she smiled waterly
"I missed you too, Esme"
"Oh sweetheart" she gushed and hugged me again before pullign back and dabbing her eyes.
"Momma?" Masen whispered scared.
"Dear God, it's him isn't it?" Esme asked an actual tear escaping.
"Yeah" I smiled feeling my own tears filling my eyes, "Masen, sweetie this is Esme"
I felt bad, especially when Esme's face fell slightly, for introducing her as another woman but I was returning to Chicago in a week and Masen would never see her again. She soon perked up as Masen smiled shyly.
"Hi Miss Esme" he spoke quietly and from Esme's gasp I knew she was noticing all the similarities.
"Hello there. You must be Masen" he nodded and blushed a little, "Aren't you a cutie, huh?"
I laughed with her as his blush deepened much like my own.
"Like Mother, like son" Esme smiled, "I need to mingle but would you- could Carlisle see him? Please?"
Knowing I could never refuse the woman who was like a second Mother to me I nodded,
"Thank you" she kissed my cheek and then Masen's, "I'll speak to you later"
I let out a deep breath as she left while Charlie's hand rubbed my own.
"You did great, kiddo"
I managed to keep myself busy and ignore the rushed gossip for the next hour. I sat in a lone chair with Masen. I'd sent Charlie to mingle and talk, and he finally gave in and went.
" … so then I told Pop he was silly thinking Superman couldn't beat Spiderman" Masen laughed as he explained the converstaion between him and his Grandad while I was dressing tonight. I glanced behind him swiftly and nodded slightly at the blonde haired man stood off behind my son and I. He smiled sheepishly and I smiled back to show no hard feelings. Only Esme had seen me tonight so far. I'd of course seen his brother Emmett with a gorgous blonde on his arm; he hadn't changed much in the past years. Later I'd seen an older Alice wrapped in the arms of non other than Jasper Whitlock; thankfully they also hadn't noticed me yet.
Carlisle hesitantly approached us. Masen saw me looking behind him and swivelled on my lap. Carlisle's eyes widened ever so slightly at the mini replica of his son.
"Hello, Bella" he smiled
"Hi Carlisle" I motioned to the empty seat to our right, "Join us?"
He nodded and sat down never taking his eyes off of my son.
"Momma?" Masen snuggled into me shyly.
"Remember Esme?" I felt him nod into my chest, "This is her husband, Carlisle"
"Oh" he leant forward a little and held out his hand like he'd been taught, "Hello Mr Carlisle. I'm Masen Swan"
"Hello there" Carlisle chuckled and shook his hand, "Pleasure to meet you"
"And you" Masen smiled now at ease with his unknown Grandpa
"How've you been?" he asked tentavily
"Ok" I looked down at Masen and brushed his hair, a habbit of mine, "Yeah we've been ok"
"Good, good" he seemed at a loss for words, "Well I -"
"No! Uncle Emmett! Put me down!" I heard a familiar voice and my heart stopped. I looked up and saw a little boy with the same unruly bronze hair on Emmett's shoulder. I sat frozen staring at him and felt my heart break all over again.
"I'll go see to them" Carlisle muttered and quickly went over to the pair. I looked down and frantically blinked back my tears as a small hand rested on my cheek. I looked into the green eyes on my son,
"You okay Momma?"
"Yeah, I just got something in my eyes baby. That's all" I smiled and rubbed my eye to show him, "All better. See?"
He nodded and smiled before continuing to tell me about the Superman Vs. Spiderman debate.
I laughed as Masen pulled Charlie's face about making it into funny faces much to my Dad's chargrin. We stood at the far wall to stay out of the gossip mill. I'd already had Jessica Stanley approach me when my Dad took Masen to the toilet. I winced at the cruel words she hissed at me.
"Look Momma!" Masen giggled pulling me from my thoughts. I looked at Charlie's face and laughed a little myself as I saw my Dad's contorted and slightly pouting face. I ran my hand through my sons waves as he rearranged Charlie's face yet again.
"Everyone! Excuse me!" Emmett's older but still recognisable voice ran through the room, "Can I have your attention please?"
The chatter in the room died down causing both Emmett and Alice, who was stood to his side at the entrance of the huge family room where we were all congregated.
"Now I'm not going to give some big build up or talk your ears off cause it's not my style" Emmett cracked a small grin as a few people laughed, "So, as a surprise - one I only found out about ten minutes ago - Mom, Dad, all the way from California, you're second favourite son!"
I didn't hear the laughter or the applause or Esme's delighted squeal. He was here. Here. In the same room. The messy pieces of my heat shattered once again as he walked in. His crisp black suit fit him perfectly as did his deep purple shirt. He'd left the top buttons undone showing off a hint of his tanned chest - I'd always loved it like that. My eyes drifted to his face and it was just as flawless as I remembered. I heard a quiet yet painful whimper but suddenly realised it was mine. My breathing sped up as he was free of his parents arms and made his way to mingle. With a few deep breaths I managed to look as calm as I possibly could in front of my son. I turned and tried to smile at Masen. He looked up at me angelically and smiled showing off the replica of his smile. I smield back shakily before turning to Charlie. Worry shone in his eyes.
"D-dad, I'm not feeling well" I lied, knowing Charlie had caught on, "I'm going to head home. Feel free to stay a little longer"
"Are you sure? We'll all leave now if need be"
"I'll be fine. I could use some time alone, please" I begged Charlie with my eyes not to follow me. If I was going to break down I'd rather my son not witness it. Charlie seemed to understand and nodded.
"Okay" he relented.
"Baby, I'm not feeling well so I'm going home to sleep but you're gona stay here with Pop, kay?" I once again brushed his hair as I asked him.
"Ok. You sure you gonna be alright, Momma?" he questioned wide eyed. I nodded and smiled.
"I love you. See you soon baby" I smiled and kissed his cheek.
"Love you too" he smiled,
"Bye Dad" I kissed his forehead, "Love ya"
"Bye Bells. Love you. Be safe" he smiled shyly.
I nodded quickly and spun around, walking through the throng of people. I weaved in and out of the crowd gradually getting closer to the exit before I tripped up over my own two feet sending me flying into someone's back.
"God, I'm so sorry! I'm such a klutz" I appologised, blushing. The stranger turned around in what seemed to be slow motion. I slowly looked up and met with the green eyes that haunted my dreams.
"Bella?" he whispered in shock.
I felt my breathing speed up and the room went silent. I barely registered Charlie's 'shit' as my mouth opened and closed.
"Bella?" he begged almost silently and took a step closer.
Then I did the thing I'm brilliant at. I ran. I pushed though individuals and ran, stumbling out the door. I ran down the steps of the porch and down the path. I ran past the parked cars boarding the huge trees, not even registering the cold and damp air. Or the fact that the cool air was no doubt going to make me ill. I just knew I needed to get out of there and fast. I kept running until I was at least halfway down the drive. Faintly, I could here that the music had resumed as well as the chatter of the guests.
I stood stock still in the cold on Christmas Eve in the middle of my ex-in-laws drive as it started to snow. Just my look. I felt the snow drops hit my skin and melt leaving the water to roll down my bare shoudlers and arms. Extra water glided down my cheeks but these weren't snow drops these were the tears that had finally escaped. I let out a brutal sob and tried to muffle it with my hand even though no one was here. Seeing him again after all these years brought my feelings back in full force making me once again remember how much I loved him. How much I still love him.
Another sob escaped me.
I quickly wiped my eyes unsure of whether to face him. After minutes of debating I decided to be brave and get my closure. I sniffed back my tears and cautiously turned to face him. His suits shoudlers were damp along with his hair which now clung to his head.
"Bella …" he ran a hand through his hair, "Bella, say something. I mean, shit. I come to surprise my parents at their party and you're here. Christ, you're here! We haven't seen in other in years and-"
"Six" I croaked
"What?" he asked confused yet relieved that I'd spoken.
"Six years. We haven't seen each other in six years"
"Exactly … I've not heard anything from you and then bang! You're here. I just, I" his hand once again ran through his hair, "Help me out here, Bella. Why are you here?"
"Charlie" I licked ym dry lips, "Told me to come. I'm here for the holidays"
The snow grew heavier as did the tension while the silence covered the air.
"Why?" he begged.
"What?" I whispered.
"Why'd you leave, Bella?" he asked vulnerably.
"I-I don't think we should have this conversation right now. I-"
"No, Bella. I think now is as good as time as any" he cut in, leaving no room for argument.
"I had to" I explained pathetically, "It wasn't working. We weren't working"
"So you thought you'd take off and leave in tow with one of my sons" his jaw clenched as did his fists at his side, "Is he even here? With you?"
Before I could register one of my hands reached out and slapped his cheek.
"How dare you?!" I shouted as I stood directly in front of him, "How fucking dare you?! Of course he's here! How can you even ask me that? Masen has been my reson for living these past years and you acuse me of leaving him behind!"
"Well you fucking left me and Max behind! You know Max, your other son! The one abandoned!" he yelled furiously in my face and I slapped his other cheek just as hard.
"I know who he is! He's my fucking son! My baby boy! I love him!!" I cried out as tears streamed down my face.
"How'd I know it's the truth?! You said you fuckign loved me and you left? You left Bella, you don't do that to people you love!!"
"I love Max and you fucking know it! I left cause I had to, Edward. We were always fighting and I hated it! I dreaded those fights cause I just wanted the Edward I fell in love with!" I ran my hands into my now ruined hair and clenched my eyes shut, "We're fighting now! I don't want to anymore! I'm sick of it"
"Sick of it, Edward" I whimpered, "Bloody sick of it"
"Where'd we go wrong Bella?" he quizzed, "We were so happy and then what … I, fuck I'm sorry. I fucked up again didn't I?"
Before I could answer he started again,
"I see you after six years and then I fucking yell at you and call you a bad mother when you're not. I fucking know you're not."
Quietness surrounded us and I felt a sob escape me as I shivered.
"I … I'm sorry" I whispered, "For everything. For leaving you and for leaving Max and, and-"
Sobs took over my body and suddenly warm arms encased me. The electrical charge was still there and I relaxed into his arms. And he held me. Just like old times. He rubbed my back and let me cry it out. I fisted his shirt into my hands and inhaled his nostalgic, musky scent.
When I was all cried out he still held me and we stood embracing in the soon. His nose slowly skimmed my hairline and followed my jaw line then my neck to my collorbone. His warm breath hit my cool skin making goosebumps break out.
"I'm sorry" I felt his lips graze my skin as he spoke, "I put you in so much pain and I didn't even notice till you left. I cant express how sorry I am"
A small smile pulled at my lips as the words poured from his mouth.
"I'm sorry too, Edward. This is as much my fault as it is yours" I whispered into his chest.
More time passed as we continued to hold each other,
"Can I ask you a question?" he pleaded and I nodded, "There hasn't been anyone else for me and I'm not sure about you but Christ I haven't stopped loving you. Not once. And I want us to try again. I want us to be together again. I want to be a Father to Masen and you a Mother to Max. I want us to be a family. Bella" I let out a muffled sob, "I love you, mi vida"
I threw my arms around his neck and squeezed as I sobbed freely,
"I love you, too" I peppered kisses on his neck, "God I love you so much"
"Me too, Bella me too. So much it hurts" Edward kissed all over my head as his arms tightened.
Gradually I calmed down and I pulled back to look into his eyes. They looked different now; then I noticed the sparkle in his eyes was back. I smiled at him and his breath taking grin appeared.
"We'll have to take it slow. Get to know each other again, and the boys. No introducing each other until we know we're gonna work" I told him seriously.
"Anything" he muttered as he kissed my cheeks, "Anything, at all"
"In that case, just one more thing"
"Happily" he grinned wider and gently lowered his lips to my own. Hesitantly I moved my lips against his softly. Tenderly our mouths moved in sync as he tongue licked my lips and I obliged letting our tongues tangle. My hands entwined themselves into his hair and his large hands splayed out on my back.
Bit by bit we pulled apart grinning as the snow continued to fall.
"I love you" I whispered into his mouth as he placed his on mine once again.
"I love you too, mi vida" he exclaimed quietly as we kissed well into the night.
Just a random idea i came up with. Do you like it?