And now for something completely different. Sort of. And if you guessed it would be about Doctor Light, then you'd be right! Or half-right. Another cunning rogue somehow manages to steal the spotlight. Pardon the pun. Just trying to have a hand at being a bit more light hearted and funny.

I realise that the previous two psychiatrists I had were a bit too naive and emotional, so I've made the next one somewhat harder. Not that it'll help her.

Oh, and I appreciate reviews, and I respect your opinions (You know who I'm talking about) on what makes a great villain, but you don't need to write essays. A lot of valuable input can get lost in them. Just saying.

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Subject #0929

START TAPE #1

P.R: This is Professor Belinda Reve reporting on Subject #0929. Subject is Doctor Arthur Light, a white male approximately 6ft tall with black hair and blue eyes. Considered criminally insane (and inept).

P.R: So, you've been sleeping with the lights on, Mr. Light?

D.L: Doctor Light! And of course I sleep with them on! I seek to illuminate the environment around me with heavenly radiance!

P.R: Oh? I heard it was because the inmates were complaining that you kept them awake at night. Screaming and crying about a certain someone called Raven...

D.L: What? No! Er, of course not! I never scream!

P.R: It would appear that you have a strong case of nyctophobia: fear of the dark.

D.L: Ha! Ha ha, ha! What nonsense! I fear nothing!

P.R: Oh, please spare me the antics. You were so afraid that that you actually wet yourself. The guards told me everything.

D.L: Well, I...err, umm...

BOOM!

P.R: What was that?

Sound of door opening, gunfire heard in background.

Guard: Professor! There's an intruder up the hallway! We need to get you two to a secure area!

P.R: Dammit! Who is it?

Guard: Not sure yet. Wears black and red and moves like the devil! Now move!

END TAPE #1

START TAPE #2

P.R: It has been two hours since the intruder tore up the main corridor of Sector B, and we are still cleaning up the place. Mr. Light has been moved into Sector C temporarily until the clean up is finished. Eyewitnesses say the intruder was wearing a black tattered cape, black clothing and wore a skull mask with a red "X" on it. When we tried to apprehend him, he teleported out and we haven't seen him since, leaving several officers tied up in some kind of sticky red adhesive. Control is looking into their databases and have tightened security. Right now, I must resume my interrupted session with Mr. Light.

D.L: Your name is... Belinda Reve, isn't it? Bella, Bella, Belle Reve...

P.R: Let's try to keep this civil, Arthur. What do you know of the attacker?

D.L: Oh, nothing. Merely a petty thief is all.

P.R: Aren't you a petty thief?

D.L: Um, yes, but I actually make use of the things I take for my projects. He just does it to make a quick buck. Now, let's talk about you.

P.R: Not. Interested. Why would he try to rob a prison? To break you out?

D.L: If that were the case, I would be a free man, wouldn't I? Never mind, I have you to keep me company...

P.R: Stop hitting on me, or I will make you regret it! What else do you know?

D.L: You have such beautiful brEEAARRRGGHHHH!

Sound of a chair falling over, a body convulsing on the floor.

D.L: AAWWW ****!

P.R: I always carry a taser on me. I did warn you. Oh, and it looks like you just wet yourself again. Enjoy.

Sound of sirens blaring.

P.R: Oh, don't tell me...

Guard: He's back! Everybody MOVE!

END TAPE #2

START TAPE #3

P.R: Control has just dug up a file. The name of our annoying little friend is "Red X," who has been connected to a spate of robberies and heists across the western United States. Although right now, I really cannot fathom his motives for the silly stunts he keeps pulling. First, he fought with our security guards, and now he has done a Houdini: he's taken the prisoners of Sector C and switched them around with one another with his teleportation device. Thankfully, none of the inmates are missing, but they are somewhat disappointed...

D.L: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON, YOU FILTHY LITTLE LARRIKIN?! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

P.R: Please control yourself, Mr...

D.L: DOCTOR! DOCTOR LIGHT! ****!

P.R: Do you want me to bring out the taser again?

D.L: Ulp! No, ma'am...

P.R: Glad to hear it. (sigh). Let's try this one more time. First, put these pants on. My friendly bodyguard here will make sure you don't try anything...

D.L: Grrrrr... This is SO not dignified!

P.R: Hurry up! I have a very twitchy trigger finger!

Sound of zips and fabric being moved around.

D.L: (sigh) Okay, now that the last vestige of my pride has been extinguished, I think I might hang myself later on.

?: Oh, please don't. That would just break my heart.

Guard: WHOA! FREEZE, MISSTAAAARRRGGHH!

P.R: WAIT, STOP! UNGH!

D.L: YOU!

?: Eehhh, what's up, Doc? Oh, and don't bother moving, honey. That adhesive could stick an elephant to the ceiling. Trust me, I've tried.

P.R: Red X? Why are you here?

R.X: Breaking out Doctor Light.

D.L: WHAT?! Then why have you been prancing about Belle Reve making a nuisance of yourself?!

R.X: Screwing with them, you moron! Their security couldn't hold Crazy Quilt or Ambush Bug! It's pathetic! Besides, you'd have been out sooner if you hadn't kept wetting yourself at night...

D.L: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE ALREADY! THIS PLACE IS DRIVING ME INSANE!

R.X: Touchy... Count yourself lucky someone needs you, sunshine.

END TAPE #3

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Apparently in the comics, Dr. Light was beginning to become a badass... until he was killed off by the Spectre. He's also a rapist now according to Identity Crisis, I tried to get some sexism and creepy name calling in there to suggest at it faintly. All in all, not the most conventional duo that's been thought up.

So... what do you think? And who shall be next? Let me see...