I have never been attracted to anther woman. Women are conniving. They feed off of the misery of others. I prefer sensible things. I prefer cats. And instruction swim videos filmed in my kitchen. I get such a high off the simple things, like public stoning, and naming various species of beetles after my cats, which just so happen to be named for various spices and fast food chains.
I live a simple life, and have a routine set in stone. At five am I wake and needle point for exactly 47 minutes. Why 47 minutes? Because one more minutes would be 48 minutes, and 48 is divisible by 12. And I hate the number 12. Next, I shower- of course I wash my hair first in a counter-clockwise manner and massage my elbows with a jar of fresh ground strawberries. As I rinse I do my toe-fat exercises, and think of the day to come.
Speaking of the day to come, I have no idea what to do when I return to work tomorrow. The awkwardness will surely overwhelm me, such as the time my darling Sprinkles beat that wretched whore Rosemary in our annual Harry Potter themed paw-puppet show, and then Sprinkles had to share her litter box with her until Rosemary was mysteriously found in my shower, alive, with Barack Obama engraved in her paw.
Kevin's stupidity is reaching a point of no return. Last week, when I asked him to set me up on a date with a nice, conservative, Amish man, he instead set me up on a date with Meredith. Of course he found the entire ordeal to be hilarious, but he might have just been watching Sesame Street or iCarly. Oddly, Meredith was not drunk, as she typically is in the workplace. She was almost charming, except for the stench of cigar smoke on her blouse and the tea stain on her tight, knee length skirt. She is almost as big of a prostitute as Rosemary, who of course I have since gotten rid – sold, I mean sold – due to her tendancy to mount my darling Sprinkles.
Poor Sprinkles. Dwight was so careless, so callous in his handlings of her. No wonder she is now among our more pious forefathers such as Ronald Reagan and Tom Cruise. Bless all their mighty souls. They were good to the world. They would be ashamed to see I've been experimenting with my life- the other night I watched the news and I didn't throw up.
My first dinner with Meredith was odd; she was gruffer than most dates of mine, and she had more facial hair, but despite these flaws, I found myself attracted in a very spiritual way. With Dwight it was purely sexual, and with Andy I was in it for monetary gain. But with Meredith… no. I am not in a relation with Meredith. I can't be attracted to Meredith. I must be getting to sleep soon, it is nearly 7:45. Good night, journal! Pray that these homosexual urges pass.