Smurf Zombies

By Kevin F. Pickett

The banging on the door was getting louder. It looked like it might come off the hinge the way it was shaking with ever bang. All Brainy Smurf could think about was how they got to this moment. Smurfette was in his arms and she was really kissing him. Brainy stopped for a moment to say "I've always wanted this but I know it won't last."

"Don't stop to talk about it Brainy. Just kiss me before it's too late." The banging at the door continued. Brainy embraced Smurfette again, but this time with a deep emotional kiss, while wrapping his arms around her waist and squeezing her tight like he was making smurfberry juice in the factory. The angry mob outside was getting bigger. One could only imagine how many little irate Smurfs were waiting outside. Brainy gazed down at the open wound on Smurfette's arm and says "I need to put a bandage on this."

"Thank you Brainy for being so smurfingly kind. I'm sorry I over reacted when we were with Pappa Smurf. I didn't know." Smurfette started to cry big smurfberry sized tears.

"It's not your fault. I didn't know either. He's always being protective and not watching out for himself." The two Smurfs enjoyed their moment like it would be their last.

"No Brainy. You need to go before I, before I can't control myself." Brainy stepped back slowly from Smurfette. The four eyed smurf was stunned with anger.

"You would never hurt me, would you?"

Smurfette looked down at the floor as she twisted her foot from side to side. The blonde haired blue bomb shell looked back up at Brainy with tearful eyes and had no words to express the heartfelt sorrow that consumed her. She walked over to the bed and sat down purposely and did not meet Brainy's eyes for a second. One of the hinges on the front door popped off its bracket. The two smurfs both instinctively looked at the hinge that had fallen on the carpet.

Smurfette looked at Brainy and muttered "You don't have time Brainy. Smurf out of here. Use the window and run as smurfy as you can. I love you Brainy. Don't ever forget that." Smurfette looked away to the wall and then back to Brainy. Her eyes were still filled with tears but her tears have turned to blood. She wiped her eyes with her smurfberry blue hand and a streak of bright crimson blood coated her palm. She screamed when she saw the tears of blood.

Brainy had no time left and ran for the window. His little feet were whipping back and forth in a blur. In seconds he had reached the window. With a hard smurf bounce Brainy jumped up to the window and fell outside into a patch of smurfberry bushes Smurfette planted last fall. Brainy sat for moment in a daze trying to regain his senses. He was startled by a big crash. The angry mob made it into the little smurf mushroom house.

He heard shrieks coming from Smurfette that gradually turned to groans and the next thing he heard was a clear sentence from Smurfette. "The brains are still fresh in that one. He's outside the window." Brainy jumped up with sincere intent and scrambled down the road and out of the smurf village.

Brainy was not accustomed to walks outside the village. He was sure he was lost so he stopped to sit on a rock and think. Thinking of a plan in situations like this was what Papa Smurf trained him for. His name was Brainy Smurf and it was time he earned it.

"This is a smurf of a mess. Where do I start?" As he said it only one name came to mind, Gargamel. Brainy knew Gargamel was a wizard and might be able to help with a cure. Papa Smurf's lab was destroyed in the fire when he and Smurfette kicked over the flasks to stop the evil Papa Smurf.

The trip to Gargamel's castle was a long journey and Brainy knew he would get more lost trying to make it there. He needed help, but he knew the entire Smurf village was overrun with the smurf monsters. What were they, he thought? They seemed dead and decaying.

He remembered kicking at Papa Smurfs arm when Papa Smurf grabbed him. Papa Smurfs grip was strong as ever, but when Brainy double-kicked Papa Smurfs arm the bones shattered and the limb just ripped off. The blood pouring from the exposed arm socket was brown and smelled like rotten smurfberries. He couldn't believe Smurfette's quick action to protect him by jumping on Papa Smurf. She tried to ease him by talking but Papa Smurf's only reply was a vicious bite on her arm. Brainy pulled her away and they ran to Smurfette's house. Brainy had to think back to when he saw the first Smurf acting unsmurfy. Maybe it was when Vanity broke his mirror over Grouchy's head. It did look like Vanity was wearing too much Smurf makeup. His face was pale and his lips were red like smurf roses. That would indicate that it spread from Vanity but how did Vanity get it. With that last thought came a rustling noise in the tree from above. Brainy covered his head as he was pelted with acorns. For a moment the pelting stopped. Brainy looked up and saw Grouchy on a branch pulling more acorns. Brainy mustered up a lung full of air and yelled, "Stop it Grouchy. I'm not one of the monsters. How did you get away?"

Grouchy stuffed the remaining acorns in his pocket and said, " I hate all Smurfs."

"Did you leave when Vanity hit you with the mirror?"

"I hate mirrors. Especially fancy Smurfs with delusions of Trans-gender who are holding the mirror."

Brainy puts his hand under his chin and starts to scratch. "You do have a point. Vanity was starting to wear my little smurf nerves thin with all that talk about his operation. If he said anything about dilating or implants one more time I was going to throw him off of Smurfberry Mountain." An acorn bounces off of Brainy's head as he finished his words.

"I hate smurfberries." Grouchy spun his head around in a dizzying fashion. "No I don't hate smurfberries. Just the ones that Hefty picked today."

"You know Grouchy, you might just have a severe case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Wait, did you say Hefty picked smurfberries today?"

Grouchy starts throwing more acorns at Brainy. In a furious rage Brainy snaps and yells at Grouchy. "Will you stop throwing that shit and act more smurfy."

"I hate Hefty's smurfberries. It made Hefty grouchy like Grouchy. There can be only one Grouchy in Smurf village. "

Brainy starts to shake the tree with all his smurf might and after a few branches and leaves float to the ground a big blue blur streaks to the ground with an abrupt thud.

"I hate trees."

"We need to get to Gargamel's castle. We can pick a few of the smurfberries he gave to Vanity on the way. I think Hefty picks his berries close to Gargamel's since he isn't afraid of Azrael like we are. Do you think you can lead the way Grouchy?"

"I hate leading the way."

Off the two smurfs went on the road to Gargamel's castle. They stopped at the smurfberry patch near the castle. The patch was off the road near a rose garden that must have belonged to Gargamel's friend Hagatha. Brainy took out a pair of rubber gloves and then dropped a few berries in his bag.

"For safe keeping to show Gargamel when we get there."

Grouchy stops for a second and turns his head sideways like he hears something. Kind of the same way a dog automatically props his ears to listen. Brainy pauses, not knowing what has gotten Grouchy spooked. Grouchy started walking again and Brainy followed his lead. They both started singing smurferific tunes, like any smurf would do after picking smurfberries. Together they sang "la-la-lila-lalala, la-lilalala." The sound of a loud rumbling motorcycle could be heard behind them. They turned and it was Azrael chomping and purring while eating what looked like smurfberries. Brainy took off his glasses to angle closer like a magnifying glass and then saw the Smurflings being chewed to pieces. Sassette was in two pieces while the rest were grinded into goo with every bite. Azrael's eyes were bloodshot while her fur was falling off with chucks of flesh missing near her tail.

Brainy had a look of absolute terror while Grouchy crossed him arms and said "I hate cats that eat Smurflings."

Grouchy went to pick up a rock and hurled it right into Azrael's bleeding red eye. Then Grouchy ran at Azrael with a switchblade in his hand and starts slicing the under belly of the large grey cat. Brown rotten blood gushed out with muscle and tissue. More clots of old blood fell from the underbelly when out popped what looked like a green Smurf. Brainy ran over to touch the new Smurf.

"What's your name green Smurf?"

The green Smurf started to wipe the brown slim from his face so he could see everyone. His eyes were slightly crossed and he seemed a little dazed. He spoke ever so slowly and dignified when he said "Gargemel calls me Grassy Smurf."

Brainy replies with "How did you get so green? Did Gargemel make you like he did Smurfette?"

Grassy starts looking around and picking the ground like he's searching for something.

"You Smurfs got any food? I haven't eaten in days. Gargemel tossed me after I ate all his cakes and candies. I love snack food." Brainy pulls out his bag in his pocket to show Grassy.

"I'd give you some smurfberries if these weren't bad."

Grassy's look changes to a pucker like he just tasted lemon. "I hate smurfberries." Grassy looks around and realizes the large carcass of the now dead Azrael. "You didn't smurf off his head."

"Why would we do that?" says Brainy.

Grassy retorts with vigor "That's the only way to kill them!"

At that comment the large cat stood up hunched over Brainy. The four-eyed Smurf was shaking uncontrollably as Grouchy again sprung into action digging into the cat's neck with his blade. He flipped onto the cats back and finished the cut. The long cut around the head. Azrael's head fell off and together with its body both hit the ground shaking the little smurfs off their feet and off the side of the road. Brainy sat up with little fairy birds singing over his head.

"I forgot to ask you Grouchy. What does a smurf need with a knife?"

Grouchy folds the blade back to its holster and shoves it in his pocket.

"I hate cats."

"I see your point. I won't ask again."

The forest rumbled and they could hear voices when out of every bush and shrub emerged the foul smelling, dead-like Smurfs. Vanity was leading them with his broken mirror pointed at Brainy. "That is the one that got away. I can smell his brain from here."

Grassy could not hide the excitement and joy in his face, "Are they my cousins?"

Brainy grabbed Grassy Smurf and slapped him into reality and said, "No silly, they are some kind of Zombie Smurf. We don't know how it started but look at them. They were once the most smurfiest, smurf-tastic Smurfs in the whole world."

Jokey Smurf crawled out from the front of the mob on his hands and knees. "I can't wait to get my teeth on the Smurfs that taste good. Baker Smurf tried to cook baby smurf but he gave us all a stomach ache. I want fresh brain." Jokey finished by holding out a present. "I got a surprise for you Brainy."

"No thanks Jokey. That never worked when you were normal. Why would I trust you now? Just open it yourself."

"Is it a surprise for me?"

"Yes Jokey, it's a surprise."

"I like surprises." With those words Jokey opens the present and his arms blow off leaving just a torso, head and legs.

Brainy began to get frustrated by his choice of traveling companions. "We need to get to the castle and ask for Gargamel's help."

Grassy was about to respond when Grouchy sprung into action but this time swinging a tree branch at the Smurf Zombies. "I hate fire but I need Brainy Smurf to light the branch to scare the Smurf Zombies away."

Brainy lit a match and the branch burst into flames while Grouchy tossed it into the mob of zombies. "I hate fire. Smurf Zombies hate fire more."

"I guess that's how you got away from the Zombie Smurfs in the village."

Grouchy grabbed two branches this time and used them as torches to push the zombies back while clearing a path. Brainy and Grassy follow as the herd of zombies part, leading back to the road. The rest of the Zombie Smurfs converge on the dead cat and feed on the flesh feverishly.

As soon as Grassy touched the road he ran at full speed. Brainy grabbed Grouchy by the arm while chasing after Grassy.

"We need to catch up and follow that green Smurf to Gargamel's castle. Something tells me we'll get a lot of answers once we get there."

"I hate answers", chimed Grouchy.

Brainy explained the chain of events to his angry friend, "This had to have started from Hefty picking smurfberries near Gargamel's' castle. He brought them back and had Papa Smurf clean then. Those smurfberries were infected with something from Gargamel. If he tried to poison our smurfberries I'll kill him." The little Smurfs ran into Gargamel's castle like little blue mice through the big door.

As they ran into the grand chamber, Gargamel is sitting at a large decorated table with a cake. The blue and red cake had one candle on it. Gargamel was singing and sobbing to himself "Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Gargamel, happy birthday to me."

Brainy and Grouchy climb to the top of the table in front of the cake. Gargamel opened his eyes and saw the two Smurfs and was speechless.

Brainy broke the silence and said," Where is Grassy Smurf?"

"This is a real birthday gift. Smurf's on the dinner table and a fork and knife ready."

Brainy put up his hands, "Hold it Gargamel. Before your mouth starts to water I have to ask a few things."

Gargamel began to scrape the fork and knife together.

Brainy is repulsed by the actions but continues, "Did you poison our smurfberries?"

"Poison? Why would I do that? If you were poisoned I couldn't eat you. "

Grouchy chimed in, "I hate poison."

Brainy scratched his chin, "That is a good point. Why would you want to poison us? But why was Azrael infected?"

Gargamel's mouth was dripping with water for some tasty Smurfs. He managed to say a few more words, "I threw that cat out because she got rabies. She went this morning to eat and came back with little smurf parts in her mouth. My jealousy overcame me and I kicked her out. Grassy had finished off my last can of hash and I had had enough. I kicked them both out. Anyway, why are you bothering me with this?"

Brainy yelled out, "Gargamel we need you to help find a cure for the Smurf Zombies."

"Smurf Zombies? Why not ask Mother Nature to fix all this? She always does favors for you little fellas"

With that said Brainy and Grouchy climbed down the table leg and started to make their way out of the castle.

Grassy leap onto the table and started eating Gargamel's cake.

Brainy turned around with one last question, "Where did that green smurf come from anyway? Did you make him like Smurfette"

"Oh you mean Grassy? Oh, no! He's a special friend. I was smoking my pipe one day and Azrael must have knocked some of my special formula in my tobacco pouch. I was smoking out the window for hours when I noticed a smurf sitting on the ledge. He was as green as grass and as dumb as dirt."

Brainy snapped his fingers in excitement, "Could that be Dopey Smurf? He went out to pick smurfberries at night months ago and never came back. Wow, he's been here the whole time letting you call him Grassy. Small world. Come on Dopey. A lot of people will be happy to see you."

Gargamel stops them out of pure curiosity and asks, "Where is my cat?"

Brainy put on a look of surprise and said, "I have no idea."

After spending the whole night with Mother Nature, she assured Brain and Grouchy everything would be back to normal once they get back to Smurf Village. Brainy and Grouchy thanked Mother Nature and pranced and sashayed the whole way home.

As they approached the village they could see Hefty and Vanity playing with the Smurflings. Papa Smurf was the first to greet them. "How did you do it Brainy?"

Brainy hugged Papa Smurf in joy and said, "I asked Mother Nature for a favor. I'm so glad it worked."

"Me too. It was all my fault. I thought I could make a cure for the sniffles we all had from the long winter. I poured the medicine on the smurfberries after I cleaned them and handed them out. I was very generous and fair so everyone ate at the same time. Luckily you was away lost in the woods as usual. Grouchy refused to eat as usual and the rest is…history."

"Yeah and Azrael had her best and worst day when she finally caught one of us but it was a Zombie and she ate him. Azrael was a zombie cat. Oh no! I don't know if Mother Nature fixed Azrael too. I have to go to Gargamel's castle and check on Azrael."

Smurfette stopped Brainy and whispered in his ear. Papa Smurf tried to lean over and listen in, "What is the secret about?"

"Nothing Papa Smurf. I just need to show Brainy my new curtains. I won't keep him long."

Brainy and Smurfette entered her house for a few minutes. The lights went out and the whole village waited in silence hearing every sound coming from Smurfette's house.

Papa Smurf tried to get everyone to go back to work but he had to stop and say, "I am Papa Smurf and I know how Smurf's are really made. In a few months we may have a new patch of Smurflings. Ha-ha-ha!"

THE END.