(READ THIS! If you don't the story will be slightly confusing!) Authors note: It is another story by me Shirotsuki-Tenchi though it's more of a drabble then anything. It's Grimmjow's and Ulquiorra's thoughts over a certain emotion that shouldn't exist for Arrancars. It's slightly angst even though I don't like that genre very much, it has a very angst ring to it. Grimmjow is speaking to himself mentally, almost as if he's addressing another person. Where Ulquiorra is talking to an imaginary Grimmjow, because there is no way he'd tell that kind of stuff to the real one. I haven't decided if I want to make this a one shot or a three part story, review and tell me what you think I should do!
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, but I do own this small fic of Grimmjow's and Ulquiorra's thoughts. Well it's better then nothing, would've preferred Ulquiorra myself.
It wasn't everyday that an Espada falls in love, especially one such as me.
Love is a useless emotion that should not exist for anyone inside of Las Noches, where we're all murderers and cannibals. Because how else did we get to where we are today? Love shouldn't be possible for murders and psychopaths, no tender emotion should.
So how is it that I Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez have found myself in love? And no not the crushy kind of love that many gush about, no it's the kind of love that slowly eats away at you and consumes your every thought. It like the apocalypse had came, even if the world hasn't ended yet. Though I find myself wishing it would.
If anyone had told me that someday I'd fall in love, I would've laughed in their faces. If anyone told me who I would fall in love with I'd have ceroed them into oblivion. But nothing could've prepared me for this, for this painful and annoying feeling.
How do I know this is love and not infatuation or lust? There is a few things that are independent to this supposedly happy emotion.
(1) You fell the need to protect them, even though you want to hurt them yourself. I know I do, I want to kill him for fueling this emotion though it wasn't entirely his fault.
(2) Becoming possessive is another sign, the mere thought of anyone touching the one you love makes rage boil in your chest. The thought that anyone other then yourself injuring them pisses you off to no end.
(3) You feel the need to be gentle with them, even though it's countered by the need to be rough. Even if you don't know how to be gentle you try to be just for them.
(4) You want to know every facet of their being, even going so far as to stalk them and learn about them when they won't tell you anything about themselves.
Love isn't the emotion they portrayed it to be... It isn't magical, it doesn't make me feel warm and it sure as Hell isn't a gift. It's a painful emotion, one that I'd rather destory. It eats away at you, and if the object of this particular emotion doesn't have a clue? It just hurts that much worse, even more for me. Because the one I love is also the one I hate, Ironic isn't it?
How can you love and hate someone at the same time you ask? It's possible trust me, I'm suffering from it. Thankfully he doesn't recognize that pesky emotion mixed in with my hate. I don't know where I'd be if he knew... Probably in a box 6ft under. And I don't want to have a headstone reading 'Here lies Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, killed because he loved the bastard he hated'.
So yes I love him, but I also hate him which made it so much worse. I want to kill him part of the time, while the rest of the time I want to posses him. I want to break him in half and then be the one to put him back together. Some might think that twisted but it's what I feel, I am a moral less bastard after all. Isn't that what Arrancars are?
So I have a love hate relationship and it sucks. I want to break him in half and then I want to hold him softly. I want to cero his head off at the same time I want to press our lips together. See stupid! It's such a fucking contradiction, nothing makes sense with this emotion.
It's useless and gets me nowhere, and it's the true reason I can't end his life. Though him being stronger then me might also contribute to his continued existence. But I would never try to truly kill him, just the though causes pain in my chest, it's so annoying.
I hide my love behind my hate, there is a fine line between them anyway. And I will continue to fight this emotion as much as possible. Though lately it seems like a futile attempt. It took me literally weeks to come to terms with this feeling, it took weeks to finally emerge from the denial I had been swimming in. So I hide behind my mask of rage and hate, trying to keep this emotion from getting in my way. I fight him, I yell at him, and I intentionally ignore his orders. After thinking about it and coming to grips with a few things I didn't like about myself I figured out why I rebelled him so much. It's to get his attention focused on me and no one else. I challenge him, insult him, just for the chance to meet his emerald gaze.
When I had first met him it was instant dislike. He was emotionless following Aizen's orders like a machine. His black hair bothered me because it was too long and shaggy. His eyes were to green, almost as if they were all knowing. His skin was too pale, almost as if he was already dead and the tear marks down his face? The made him look like a sissy.
But as I argued with him, and fought his ever order I found my thoughts on him changing. His long black shaggy hair started to become attractive. The emerald eyes became fascinating and the tear marks intriguing. I found myself wanting to put emotions on the blank slate that was his face, wanted to make that deathly pale skin flush. I find myself drawn to his figure, he was slightly shorter then me with a thin build. I like the fact that I can look down on him, makes me feel like I have some power over him. And I like his slim build, almost as if he'd fit against my own frame. I didn't want to feel like this, these thoughts slightly disturbing to me.
Though it seems that lately my need to touch him is becoming stronger. The need to touch, feel, take becoming more out of control. I want to attack him, to feel our skins slide against each others. But even I know that it would be literal suicide to even try to touch him. So I'm going to curb my urges, hold myself back and hope that this feeling passes. Because I don't want to touch him even though I do. Doesn't make sense does it? Love seldom does after all.
So yes I do realize I love that emotionless bastard, but who said anything about accepting it? I'm going to fight this reaction until it's gone, even if I have to die first to achieve it.
You don't think I know... you don't think I know about those feelings you hide deep down. But it's as clear as day to me, even though there is only night in our sunless world. You try so hard to keep your expression blank but I see right through it, almost like glass. Your face is like a blank canvas, your thoughts painting themselves across your features.
Those feelings are visible to me, though you don't know. I know they exist, and I know how hard you try to crush them. It's no use however, there is no way you can succeed where I Ulquiorra Sciffer have failed.
You try to hide it with hate, disdain, but I see it as clearly as you do. I notice the looks you give me with you think no one's watching, I notice the subtle changes in your body as I move pass. The need to touch me almost as strong as my need to touch you.
I don't hate you, your not worth that much trouble. So why do I feel for you the same feeling you try so hard to bury? I don't know, and I might never know. This feeling has no right to infect me and yet it has, and the at the center of it all stands you.
How do I know this is the real deal and not some cheep knockoff? You probably figured it out much like I did, trying to recognize what separated it from the other emotions that are foreign to us.
(1) Protectiveness goes both ways, though you don't realize it. I don't want to protect you, I need to. There is a big difference even though I fight the urge.
(2) Possessiveness also goes both ways though I'll never admit it. The thought of someone touching you makes me act in ways not like myself at all.
(3) Gentleness, yet another foreign concept to Arrancars that I feel the need to show. I hold it off however, no need to let you know.
(4) Understanding is another concept that has shown itself lately, wanting to know what makes you tick. You're so easy to read though It isn't too difficult to find what I want. Your face tells me all I want to know, especially when you're trying so hard to hide it.
So how do I find myself with this useless emotion? I ask myself that everyday as I watch you. You don't realize how much I stare at you, hoping to decipher the reason you have such a hold over my emotions. Why it had to be you that captured my attention and held it, eludes me. That one such as yourself can be more then just trash in my opinion.
Does the thought of my having feelings surprise you? It shouldn't, everything that lives have emotions. Even Hollows. You however are completely unaware of my own burden and I want to keep it that way. I don't want to explore this emotion, though I fear I will have to eventually.
So I close my emotions off from the outside world, it's not as uncommon as you think. I close them off so they won't interfere with my work, Aizen-sama needs my cooperation and as on of his subordinates I will do as told. Even if I don't agree with what he orders me to do, I will fulfill my duties.
Did you know when I first met you I dismissed you and only though of you as trash? I didn't see my mistake until it was too late. Your wild teal hair didn't surprise me, and your blue eyes didn't phase me. The green markings under your eyes seemed like make up and your tanned skin seemed foreign compared to my own pale skin. Your grazed grin made me sigh in annoyance, while your rebelliousness made me shake my head in disdain.
Though now everything has changed. I want to run my fingers though that wild teal mane of hair to see if it is as soft as it looks. The intensity of your blue eyes draw me in, the green markings underneath just adding to the appeal. That crazed grin sends shivers up my spine while your rebelliousness seemes amusing. And I really want to see if that tan covered your entire body. Your body intrigues me, from your height to your muscles to your Hollow's hole. You tower over me and I find I like it, I like knowing that even if I am physically smaller then you I'm still stronger. I want to run my fingers over your muscles so I can commit them to memory. I don't wish to feel this way, just as I'm sure you didn't ask to feel the same way.
I didn't ask for it and I'm sure that you didn't either, but we're both stuck with it whether we want it or not and I fear we will always be stuck with it. No amount of time can erase the strength of these emotions, I fear only death can wipe them from existence.
Though there is a chance of being reborn with these feelings, not a happy though now is it? Just thinking about feeling like this even after death bothers me, don't I deserve an escape? Though as Arrancars that killed and consumed to get to where we are today not much is undeserving of us.
So I will go on with this feeling that most label as love, and continue to behave as if you are trash to me. Neither of us wanted this so both of us will fight it. Though as days go by I can't help but feel it's inevitable... You and me. Us.