Authors note: Here is the final installment of 'The feeling that shouldn't exist for us', and I have to say it is the most hardest, saddest and angsty one I've written yet. I would like to thank all those who reviewed, I really appreciate the support. So here is chapter 3, Grimmjow is still talking to himself mentally while Ulquiorra is still speaking to an imaginary Grimmjow, Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, nor do I own Ulquiorra or Grimmjow though I would really love too.
I'm dying, and I know it. That damn shinigami, and that damn fifth Espada. I thought we were allies, and he went and slashed me to pieces. Even my enemy had compassion enough to save me, though it wasn't what I wanted. There goes what's left of my pride, ripped to a million pieces and flushed straight down the drain.
Though it was kind of stupid to bring that stupid shinigami back to life, but I couldn't stand the thought of not being the one to kill him. So I just had to bring him back, and now look where I'm at. Currently bleeding to death as I listen to that orange haired nucence get beat up by the only thing that mattered to me anymore.
At least I was able to get him away from my fight, though it didn't last long. The place I sent him hadn't be able to hold him more then a few hours, though it was something it just wasn't enough. If there was a chance of either of us dying then I wanted it to be me that goes, but now he was fighting Kurosaki and I don't know if he will prevaile.
I've discovered that my feelings for him has changed, all my hate for him is all but gone now. I didn't want to be free of these feelings that bind us together, even though at first it was what I wanted more then anything.
I didn't only have the need to be with him anymore, I've discovered recently I wanted to be with him. The need was no longer overwhelming, because my wanting to be with him was growing. I wanted to be with him, for him to say 'I love you' to me everyday.
I enjoy cuddling with him now, especially when he got that cute little face that says he doesn't understand why I do it. I didn't growl anymore, there really was no point. I enjoyed laying with him, wrapped around him while sharing body heat. I absolutely loved it especially when he closed his eyes and just enjoyed it as well.
I wanted to be possessive as well, wanted to let everyone else know that he's mine. Let them know that they weren't allowed to touch, because only I should be allowed to touch him. I think he finds my possessiveness humorous, I never call him on it. I like that he find humor in anything I did, it means that I had succeeded in some ways.
I wanted to know everything about him, down to the last detail. At first I didn't want to know but now I do, I wanted to learn everything. I wanted to know how he ticked, how he thought, how he worked. It was a want that I long to indulge, though he doesn't share the same sentiments he does.
I loved to run my fingers through his hair, I would do it for hours on end. I enjoyed smoothing out the black locks, letting them slide between my fingers. Their texture and length very appealing to me now, I even like the sort of messy way he had it. I wanted to bury my face in his hair, wanted to smell the unique smell that is only his. I wanted to smooth the knots out, no longer wanting to tangle them up.
I loved his eyes, how their green intensity seems to see right through me. Their unique color almost as strong as his presence, they sent shivers up my spine. I loved how I can put emotion into them, lust, anger, jeolosy, and yes even love. Only I was allowed to do it, and that makes me feel like I was the only one important in his life.
I find now that I slightly dislike his tear marks, they make them look as if he was always crying. To see that makes pain shoot through my chest, I never want to see him hurt enough that he would actually cry. Yes they are still attractive, but what they symbolize is what I hate the most about him now.
Running my hands over his skin was still a temptation I didn't hesitate to indulge, feeling the smoothness of his skin in comparison to my calloused hands was something that I could never tire of feeling. The blush that covered most of his body was something that filled me with pride, knowing that I alone could cause it. It is something that I will remember always, no amount of time could erase it.
His strength still enticed me, all that power packed into a small unassuming body. Yes I still led in the relationship but it was no longer what most would consider a fight, we didn't need to wrestle to get pleasure out of it anymore. For us it became an expression of our love, though that sounds cheesy that was what it was for us.
I no longer felt the need to mark him, at least not viciously. I didn't feel the need to hurt him for our relationship, because it felt like it was worth it now. I actually felt distaste and anger at myself for hurting him, though it confuses him now it's what I felt. I guess it's because we were together and happy there was no need to punish ourselves for our situation anymore. I found myself content in his arms, and I hoped slightly that he did too.
Though now it's too late, I'm dying, laying soaked in my own blood in the sand. The only thing I can think of is him, I know he is nearby I can feel him almost as if he was part of me. He's injured, not too badly at the moment but still it said a lot for the battle. That damn shinigami had gotten stronger, and I don't know if he could win this one.
The thought of him dying is like a stab to the heart, and I don't know if I will be able to handle when his reiatsu flickers and withers away. I know it's coming, it is past time that the Espada are destroyed and we were the ones caught in the damn middle of it. So yes I know death for us is inevitable, I must hope that it is I that goes first, I don't know if I could stand if he was to die first.
So yes our relationship was doomed from the start, but now I find I wish it hadn't been. Wish we would've had more time together, wish that it could go on forever. But it hadn't, and now all I can do is die, and wherever I go wait for him again. Because our relationship might have been doomed, but there is no way this emotion could just die out, all I had to do was wait for him. Something I'd gladly do until my soul is destroyed, because that is the only way to break this bond we forged.
This is the end, for both of us it seems. I feel you fading far away, and I myself am having trouble seeing straight. Kurosaki was and is stronger then I had originally calculated, it won't take much longer until I am unable to even move. So this is how it will end, me dying by a pathetic piece of trash and you being betrayed by a comrade.
Though if you hadn't brought the shinigami back from the dead in the first place things might of turned out differently... Though I say that I don't condemn you for it, your pride is what makes you an admirable. Trapping me in the caga de negacion though? Now that is the one thing I didn't find justified, I was only trying to stop you from making a grave error.
So Kurosaki was brought back from the dead, you should have just left him where he was. I'm sure you would've been smug if you learned I killed him because you seemed too interested in fighting him, that I was jealous of him taking your attention. But instead I told you I did if for Aizen-sama, and I don't think you were able to handle it. So it's not surprising that you did what you did.
In the last few days we were together I found my disinterest in you had disappeared, I felt nothing but that bond we had together. It might not be what I wanted at first, but now I find myself content with it. Content on being with you everyday, being the one thing that keeps you going and vise versa.
I'm sure you would be surprised to learn that I want to be with you now, that I do it of my own free will now. The need that once consumed me is almost gone, leaving behind the warm feeling of wanting to be with you. I know you will be shocked if you ever learned of it, so I'll just keep that bit to myself for now.
Tenderness is a given now, showing affection my still be hard for me but I manage. You make it look easy, all you have to do is cuddle up to me and purr and I find myself melt into you. It still confuses me how you can be so open with your gentleness but I like it, though you'll never hear it from me.
Being possessive now is much more intense then it was when we first started out, now that I know things about you that I want no one else knowing I feel I have to keep you all to myself. It might be slightly annoying to get jealous at everybody you talk to it's still worth being with you, even if I have to stop myself from saying 'mine' to everybody when around you.
By now I've learned everything about you, down to what shampoo you use. I know your thoughts, your feelings, your impulses, everything there is to know about you. I still feel reserve at letting you know everything about me, but it is only fair considering that I demand the same from you.
As always your hair was one of the first things that always caught my eye, I could spot it blindfolded, at night, during a sandstorm. It's dazzling color and outrageous style is so uniquely you and I would never want it to change. I loved the texture, slightly thicker then it looks, it makes running my fingers through it more enticing.
Your eyes had also seem to get more alluring each day, watching the emotions expressed in them almost as enticing as watching your expressions change. The blue intensity of them alone sent shivers up my spine, and when they were focused on me alone? Made me feel as if I am the only being in your world, they were almost the exact opposite of my cold green ones.
I still tell you that the green marks under your eyes are make up, though now you take no offence. We both know that's my way of saying that I approve of them, even if it is a twisted way of saying it. To me they look perfect on you, and I would never want them to change, no matter what. They are a integrated part of you, without them you would look as if you were missing something vital.
Your body is forever burned into my brain, from each and every muscle down to every bone. If someone put clay in front of me I could easily sculpt an exact rendition of your body, that is how much I studied your physique. It was interesting to me to the point of obsession, I had to know every muscle, how it moved and flexed, how it shifted, everything. Your tan was another thing I couldn't help but admire, giving your body a glow as if it was kissed by the sun.
I still feel the thrill when you take the lead in our relationship, though you don't do it so viciously anymore. The fight had all but left our bonding, and though it's shocking, it's actually better to me. I didn't feel the need to fight back anymore, because it was an expression of so much more.
The thought of injuring you like I had now causes more distress then anything, the thought of marking you painfully hurtful. It confused me that you don't mark me like you used to, until I realized how much I disliked hurting you. There is no need to punish you for getting yourself into this mess, so there was no need to punish me either. We were both were we had wanted to be.
But there will be no more worrying, no more pleasure, no more US. I feel you dying, and know that I'm not far behind. I am all but dead now, a large part of me gone. That last blast of Kurosaki's taking out a large portion of my body, it was painful but that was nothing compared to what I was feeling inside. Despair, sadness, emptiness, all for you at the thought of you dying. How badly I wanted to go to you, but in my state I might not make it three feet.
Out of no where I feel you flicker away, your soul leaving this world before I could get to you. My world froze, my body trembling slightly. The Inoue girl said something to me about a heart and I unconsciously reached towards you, in the same direction in which she was standing.
As I begun to dissolve into nothing I found I felt okay, knowing that wherever you were going that I would follow. You are my heart, and no matter where you hide I will always find you. I know that you will be there for me, no matter where you went. So just wait for me, then we'll be together…