Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS, Wal-Mart, Hostess, or even Twinkies.
A/N: I based this story off a real life article I read criticizing NCIS. Understanding the story and seeing the humor in it would be helped by reading the article before you read this story. You can find it by searching "Is NCIS The Worst Television Show Ever Made?" and it should be the first link that comes up.
"Boss, I think you're going to want to see this," Tim McGee called out as he ran into the bull pen early one Monday morning. He sat down at his desk and quickly pulled up his email.
"This better be good, McGee," Gibbs replied. Even though things at work had been pretty slow lately, he had no patience for the younger agent's frequent techno-babble.
"One of my friends from MIT emailed this to me late last night," McGee started. "Tony, and Ziva, you guys are going to want to see this too. Call up Ducky and Abby too."
"No need Timothy," Ducky interjected as he and Abby came into the bullpen carrying coffee for everyone. Abby of course had a Caf-Pow for herself in hand.
"Ducky and I decided to be proactive and battle a case of the Mondays," Abby told the group as she and Ducky started passing around coffees to everyone. "Now what do you need to show us, McGee?"
"You guys aren't going to like this," he predicted as he clicked on a link in his email. He pulled the website up on the large LCD screen so it would be easier for everyone to see.
"Is NCIS The Worst Television Show Ever Made?" Ziva read aloud. "I do not understand. We are not a TV show, we are federal agents!"
Underneath the title for the article was a large picture of Gibbs, Ducky, Abby, Tony, Ziva, McGee, and oddly enough, former Director Shepherd.
"What the hell is this? Some kind of sick joke?" Gibbs roared.
"I-I don't know, Boss," McGee stammered. "My friend sent it to me because he just stumbled across it online and he read it, and well, it kind of sounds like… us."
The group began to read the article.
"Anti-American?" Tony questioned. "We're a government agency for crying out loud! It's our JOB to protect America!"
"Our Navy does have a lot of bad apples, but what about all of the military victims we help?" Abby pointed out.
"We are not staffed by fast talking models and millionaires. Tony, you did not even receive that inheritance from your dead uncle! And McGee, your hedge fund has completely banked!" Ziva argued.
"I think you mean 'tanked', my dear," Ducky corrected. "Now I do remember watching The Rockford Files back in the day, but what on Earth does that have to do with NCIS? For one thing, we are real people, and that was a fictional show. And I would like to think that in the thirty years since that show aired, investigative skills across the United States have improved significantly."
McGee scrolled down further to reveal a very large picture of Gibbs.
"This is the worst part," he warned the group.
They all read in silence, taking in the harsh criticism from a man who had never even met them.
"Who the hell is this Harmon guy he keeps talking about?" Gibbs yelled. "I'm from Pennsylvania, I HATE the Bee Gees, and damn right they're never going to know my back story. They haven't gotten a single thing about me right yet!"
"I am not physically enticing? I will send this man the contact information for the men who would disagree with that false statement." Ziva avowed as she took a sip from her coffee. "And why would he bring Agent Todd into this mess? She certainly did nothing to deserve this kind of post-mortem treatment."
"Damn right, Ziva," Tony agreed. "He's calling me gay. Is that really the best insult he could come up with? And I always pictured an oaf to be more of a Lon Chaney Jr. in Of Mice and Men kind of guy. Besides, I'm the only one of us who actually was a cop before joining NCIS!"
"I think I'm appealing to all kinds of people!" Abby cried out. "Who cares if teenage boys like me, or if aging lesbians like me? It doesn't mean I'm going to do anything about it." She took a large gulp of her Caf-Pow to help calm her down. "And after that robot car almost tried to kill me, I think we should leave artificial intelligence out of this agency."
"My word, this man believes me to be overeducated!" Ducky looked aghast. "I would have never thought it to be possible for a doctor to be overeducated. Even though the majority of my patients are no longer among the living, it is no small feat to be able to analyze what killed them. I hope this fool realizes that his own physician has probably been to medical school, just as I have!" The rest of the team looked a little surprised at Ducky's outburst. While he voiced his opinions, he usually didn't resort to name-calling, especially to someone who was at an intellectual disadvantage.
"McGee, why would he think that you should work at Wal-Mart?" Abby questioned. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with people who work at Wal-Mart, but they usually don't have their Master's degrees from MIT. But if you do have a secret job, can you get me free Twinkies?"
"Not funny, Abs," McGee muttered. "I'm still trying to figure out why he thinks I'm some sort of lothario. I mean, women don't really like me-"
"What about the creepy polygraph lady?" Tony asked.
"She doesn't count. She hooked me up to a machine to figure out if I'm single or not. That's not exactly a start to a stable relationship."
Gibbs shot McGee a look.
"Right Boss, moving on," McGee continued and scrolled down a bit further. "Here's where things get really weird."
The next picture had all of Team Gibbs, plus Ducky, Abby, Jenny, and Palmer (sans glasses!) with a few unrecognizable people standing in the bullpen behind a large cake that read 'NCIS 100'.
"Who are all these people? What's NCIS 100? Is that some sort of secret club I don't know about?" Tony questioned.
"I do not remember this being taken," Ziva spoke the thought that was running through everyone's minds.
"Neither do I, and that's why I'm worried. Boss, this guy seems to have some sort of dirt on all of us, but he's mixing it in with lies about us too," McGee fretted.
"Why would anyone do that?" Abby asked.
"Don't know, Abs," Gibbs answered. "But I do know that we have a serious breach of security here. He's even got bits of our conversations and case files. Abby, I need you to start sweeping for bugs. McGee, help her."
"One last thing, Boss," McGee protested. "I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but look." He gestured to the screen where hundreds of comments from readers argued with the author about his fallacies regarding this NCIS show. One reader even claimed to be another actor on the show. Almost all of the comments supported the show, and the ones that didn't were poorly written and lacked any sort of support, Gibbs noticed.
"Wow, these people really care… about us, I guess," Abby observed.
"Yes, and notice that whenever the author of this article responds to criticism, he resorts to belittling his readers and calling them names. That is not what I would call professionalism!" Ducky pointed out.
"Some of these people are really angry with this guy. They've even corrected the mistakes he's made about us. Heck, they're defending us!" Tony noticed.
"Ooh, I like this part where the author gets angry at the readers for writing positive things about us and NCIS. Ha, and look, the readers just make it worse by writing who their favorite person is. Boss-man, you're a popular fellow!" Abby exclaimed.
"Many of the people who left comments either were inspired by us to join the military, or know someone who was," Gibbs pondered.
"Where can you receive this Christian journalism certification that he talks about?" Ziva asked.
"No idea. I've never heard of it," McGee replied. "Boss, what should we do? I mean, other than sweep for bugs."
"Nothing McGee. And don't sweep for bugs."
"You're not worried, Gibbs?" Tony asked.
"Nope. Clearly we have lots of people on our side. They'll stop any more idiots like this guy from spreading lies about us." Gibbs responded and took a large swig from his coffee. "Besides, we've got some agents in LA to warn."
As the group dispersed, McGee switched off the large screen monitor and sat down at his desk. At the very bottom of the list of comments, there was a form where you could leave your thoughts about the article. He glanced around the bullpen. Gibbs, Tony, and Ziva were all on the phone calling various NCIS branches to see if they had heard anything about this guy and if they should start investigating him. Ducky and Abby had retreated downstairs. The coast was clear. He rested his fingers atop his keyboard for a moment, and began to write,
"I have been debating on commenting on this all day, but I've finally calmed down enough to collect my thoughts…"
A/N: The comment that McGee begins to write at the very end of the story is the beginning to the comment I made on the article. Whoops, now you all know my first name! Also, know that I mean no harm to the author of the article. I just thought it would be funny if the characters of NCIS found out what he was saying about them.