Disclaimer: I do NOT own The Twilight Saga! No copyright infringement intended! Anyway hope you enjoy it!
As I walked her to her rusty Chevy, I was considering what to say to Bella later, at her house. Looking down, I noticed her expression; she was frowning. I turned to give her a puzzled look when I thought better of it. No need to confuse her now. It was like she knew what was going on or had a good idea about it. If only she understood that I had to act cold and distant so that my departure wouldn't be so much of a shock.
"Cullen has been acting weird. I wonder what he's up to now. Heaven forbid that he does anything wrong." Mike Newton's mental voice came into my head. "Look at Bella. She barely even talked pretty boy today. I wonder what going on between the two, fighting perhaps? Maybe I'll finally get my chance........" I groaned internally. He never stopped with those annoying, obnoxious fantasies. He had some perfect chances with her already, and nothing happened. Yet I was the one she had fallen in love with. Then a thought occurred to me. What if she finally responds to Newton after I leave? The thought made my chest ache and my vision go red. I knew I couldn't do anything about it. What if Mike Newton was to get in to an accident...
If he is who she wanted then I could not deny her happiness. I remember thinking the pretty much same thing not that long ago, before she loved me. What a short time I got to have with my angel. My Bella. I didn't deserve such a loving, forgiving, beautiful creature. I didn't deserve to walk on this earth. I didn't deserve to have my life altered in so many ways. I didn't deserve much, but yet I still got everything I wanted lately. It was more than enough.
I had thought everything out......except what to say. This was probably one of the most important parts of my whole scheme. Ugh. I tried to think about it but I found out too quickly how much it hurt to. So I decided to give up and wing it. This was not like me at all. Being in this frozen state made us think through everything; examine the different choices. We were designed like this for the hunt or of fight amongst each other.
"Do you mind if I come over today?" I forced my tone to sound indifferent, knowing that she would say yes.
"Of course not," Her expression became puzzled.
"Now?" I asked anxiously. The sooner the better, I thought. My family was already waiting for me to finish up here. Bella would have a tough time knowing Alice wasn't going to get to say goodbye. The same goes to the rest of my family. Maybe Rosalie was an exception. They were not very fond of each other. At least Bella made an effort to be some what decent.
"Sure," She said, "I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."
Damn, another problem with my plan! I was going to have to make sure her mother didn't get that envelope with the pictures from Bella's camera. It should have the pictures of us together and, especially, the pictures of me. I had wrestled with the thought of leaving her with a reminder, and decided that it was better not to do so. I would just be a frightening memory, a nightmare. Not being part of the pleasant dreams she should have and always have.
I glanced at the fat package and quickly reached over her, grabbing it.
"I'll do it," I said softly, "And still beat you there." A smiled trying to calm her- but it didn't work. She still kept the same straight face.
"Okay," She agreed.
I shut her truck door and quickly shuffled over to my car. Speeding all the way to her house, I roughly pulled into her father's space in the old driveway. By doing this she knew that I wasn't intending to stay long. I jumped out, ran to the front door, snatched the key from the eve and quickly went to Bella room. As I stepped through the bedroom door, I inhaled her sweet smell. My throat didn't even seem to have its usual fire today, but that was because there was a much greater pain building inside me, waiting to get out. I shuttered at the thought. I paced over to her photo album and flipped to the first page and saw myself staring back at me. I could see the server difference in my face. My golden eyes were light up and I was smiling in amusement, in Bella's kitchen. I fingered the next couple pages looking for more pictures of me. But all I saw were photos of her room and other random things. Was this what her mother wanted her to take pictures of? I looked to the other side and glanced at the cold, hard reflection of me. This is what I had looked like since the day after her birthday. I tore it out gently along with the others, took hold of the plane tickets on the desk that had been another gift, and held them in my hands, wonder what to do with them next. Then, as I moved, the floorboard nearest to the window squeaked in protest. Instead of taking them with me, why not leave them here? I thought. My idea was cut off when I heard the sound of her ancient truck about five blocks away. I quickly shoved my stash under the board, and flew down the stairs placing the note for Charlie on the counter, locked the door again, and then I ran back to my car. Her truck chugged down the street and I got out going to the curb. She opened her door, and I took her book bag and shoved it back into the truck.
"Come for a walk with me." I said flatly taking a hold of her fingers. "This will be the last time you touch her Edward, savor it." I told myself. I walked straight to the wet and dark set of trees and stopped clearly in view of the house. I dropped her hand and turned around and used a tree for support.
"Okay let's talk." She said more calmly than I could ever imagine. She was guessing that this would happen.
I took a deep breath. Knowing I had to act distant for her and only her. So I kept my face a cold, unreadable mask.
"Bella were leaving." I told her in the same voice I've used for the past days. I could already hear what she was going to say in response.
"Why now? Another year-"
I cut her off before she would persuade me to stay.
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." This was true. Many people have been getting suspicious of the wealthy doctor who never seemed to age. If it wasn't for Bella, we would have already left of some other hiding place be now.
Her deep brown eyes look at me with incomprehension and worst of all, pain. It was hard to see her like that. How could I convince her after all, when she'll want to hold on to me? I didn't know what to think. So I just glared back.
"When you say we-" she started again, but I couldn't let her continue.
"I mean my family and myself." I told her slowly so she would get it.
Bella's head turn side to side. It took a couple minutes for her to speak. I waited so she could get everything off her chest. Just then I heard the gentle thrumming of Rosalie's convertible coming around the corner and parking on the street. Emmett got out quickly and jumped in my Volvo.
The only thing I wanted after this was to be alone, to think everything through. So I decided to run to my family, which the most of them were already in Denali waiting for me. Jasper and Alice were the first to go, as I had told Bella earlier today, then Carlisle and Esme had left this morning. Emmett and Rosalie were leaving now.
As if I was calling her Rosalie's smug voice was in head. "Emmett says we should leave right away so we don't eavesdrop on your conversation, I still want to. But everyone is waiting for us already. So, good luck." She thought sarcastically. Then she an Emmett drove off. Emmett was thinking about how depressed when I met them later. That made me almost wince, and I remembered Bella in front off me.
"Okay," she whispered finally. "I'll come with you." Here is it may gets really difficult.
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going...It's not the right place for you."
"Where you are is the right place for me." No, where you are is the right place for me, not the other way around.
"I'm no good for you Bella." I truthfully told her. How come she could never seem to realize that?
"Don't be ridiculous" Yeah, tell me about it. "You're the very best part of my life."
"My world is not for you." How many times is she going t make me repeat myself, each time is going to hurt her more.
"What happened with Jasper-that was nothing, Edward? Nothing!" Her voice took on a more angry tone and got to a higher pitch
"Your right," I agreed with her, "It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"
"As long as that was best for you," I corrected her. I remember what she was like then drowsy with the medication, goofy actually. That's when I told her that.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" She shouted at me, her eyes wide. Yes she was mad. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you-it's yours already!"
I had to look down. Her beautiful face would break my careful resolve. My soul was already damned and if I stayed with her, Bella's soul would be to. I took a huge breath. I knew I had to do this. The hardest part, telling her she no longer meant anything to me. And I had to be a good liar for this one. Determination was set in my mind.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I spoke the words slowly again so she would understand and listen to what I was saying.
How can she believe me, she knows I love her. But I had to convince her no matter what.
"You…don't…want me?" She muttered quietly and the confused expression came back. Her eyes bore into mine. They were full of pain and shock. If I could cry my eyes would be full of tears. I was amazed that she didn't start to cry. She was much braver than I gave her credit for. But she was already trying to hold on to me.
"No." I forced the retched lie through my teeth, as quickly as I could. I am a monster for doing this to her. I was a damned monster that should be burning in hell right now.
She stared right at me for a long moment. I knew what she saw on my face; she saw nothing. Not a spark of regret, hate, anger, pity and most of all love. But all those feelings were inside me, mixing up and making me dizzy and nauseated. Which I never thought was possible, for a vampire.
"Well that changes things." She said very calmly.
Once again I had to look away, for a distraction. How could she handle it that well? Oh, how I wish I could read her mind!
"Of course I'll always love you…," I will love her for the rest of my existence," in a way. But what happened the other night made me realized that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something that I'm not, Bella. I'm not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." I was right. She should have had to have her life in danger for this long.
I wish I could switch lives with Mike Newton, or any other human male for that matter, so I would always be there for her. And not have to restrain from killing Bella every second I'm with her. But none of such will ever happen.
"Don't." She whispered "Don't do this."
"You're no good for me, Bella." I had to switch it around, because she didn't seem to believe me.
She started to talk again but closed her mouth when she looked at my face again.
"If… that's what you want." She said reasonably.
I nodded my head, too scared that my voice would crack. But I had to ask her something for sure.
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." I asked. I could feel the plea on my face and I quickly tried to compose it.
"Anything," She breathed.
"Don't do anything stupid or reckless." I commanded her seriously. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
She just nodded weakly.
"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself for him." And take care for me.
"I will." Bella nodded again.
I melted a little knowing she would obey.
"And I'll make you promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll ever see me." I vowed to her. "I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this ever again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed." I knew I couldn't bear the thought of not to seeing her again, but I had to try.
She started to look sick. And I wish I could have helped her and held her one last time.
To reassure her I smiled softly and continued, "Don't worry. You're human-your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
"And your memories?" Bella all but choked out.
Well"-I paused and smirked-"I won't forget. But my kind...we're very easily distracted." She should forget, but that was the opposite for me.
I stepped back, realizing that I was finally finished. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."
Understanding mixed with horror was plainly on her heart shaped face. "Alice isn't coming back." She stated.
"No. There all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."
"Alice is gone?" I knew she'd have a hard time believing her best friend wasn't coming back.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I told her very quietly, almost whispering. A clean break is what she deserved.
She registered my words with confusion.
"Goodbye, Bella." I said as peacefully as I could manage so she couldn't tell that this was harder for me than it was for her. This was the final goodbye.
"Wait!" She cried and stumbled forward trying to grasp at me.
I couldn't let her. I reached out, grabbing her wrists and putting them at her sides. As I touched her, she closed her eyes. My cold hands against her soft warm arms were a dream come true. My face crumpled at the thought as I had finally lost all control for a moment. My lips whispered against her forehead.
I took a steady breath. "Take of yourself." I murmured. I turned so she couldn't see my face.
Then I was gone.
I had to stop running; the anger was finally catching up to me. My vision was red and there was a stabbing pain piercing every inch of my body. Even the hum of the cars traveling down the Alaska Highway to the east couldn't keep it away.
"You don't want me?"
My memory was clear glass.
Load roars and snarls echoed through the forest making birds spiral to the sky while spruces gave away under my steely grip. Soon I could feel the rage fade and something else rise above the surface, knocking me breathless, sending my head spinning. It was as bad as its ever been. Nothing could compare to the pain.
I had just enough strength to pull out my phone to see the time while crumpling to the ground.
Twelve hours since I had last seen her.
Just thinking the name sent a wave of loneliness, emptiness and torture ripping through me. I wrapped my arms around my legs, tucking my head down. I had not thought of her till now, trying to avoid it at all costs. Now remembering I could not banish it from my mind. All happy memories raced through me very quickly, yet I could see each one with perfect clarity. I shuttered once, throat suddenly thick and eyes dry.
A sob rose from my heaving chest. I had never felt so weak. Sitting here, losing my head, in complete isolation, regretting my very own decisions.
Weeping in this body did not feel right, no relief came to rescue me; it just made everything worse.
I trembled again biting my lip hard to keep from shaking. Just because I was a vampire, cold, solid as stone, it could not protect me from everything I had suffered or will ever suffer.
I curled up on the ground allowing the anguish and misery take over, with a pair of chocolate eyes gazing at me. They seemed to be staring straight into my soul; the one I was not sure I had.
Nothing came to rest after the start; it magnified, getting deeper, harder to keep the peace and never changing.
But somehow, in my semi-state of consciousness, I knew this was only the beginning.
I may or may not continue to write but I WILL be editing and changing it a bit so check back in. Read and Review if you will.