Title: His Place
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek (or any of the recognizable aliens from various fandoms) and I do not make any money from these fictions.
Rating: M
Summary: Slash. Five times Jim has sex with an alien and doesn't enjoy it – and one time he does.

1. Kryptonian

"Do you want to tell me how you got burned, Jim?" Bones asks as he patches up the Captain's back and buttocks.

"Well, I was on my knees, and Kryptonians apparently shoot lasers out of their eyes when they get really horny. I'm just lucky that he was looking at my ass and not, say, my forehead," Jim responds cheekily. "I didn't even KNOW he was Kryptonian. He looked perfectly human."

"There hasn't been a full-blooded Kryptonian in years, Jim. He was probably only one-quarter at the most - you're lucky. If he was full-blooded you would probably be dead," Bones points out.

Jim just pouts and jumps from the bed after he's bandaged.

"I'm going to the bridge," he declares before sauntering from the room.

Well, sauntering as well as he could with healing skin grafts on his ass...

2. Saiyan

"What is it with you and endangered alien species?" Bones asks gruffly.

"Again, I didn't even know he was an alien! Other than the purple hair that stuck straight up - which, by the way, can be done with dye and gel - he looked perfectly human. How was I to know that he was hiding a monkey tail underneath those jeans?" Jim protests.

"So once you saw the tail you thought, 'Hey, let's stick it up my ass while his cock is in there too'?" Bones questions dryly.

"This was totally not my fault! We were doing it doggy style, everything was going great, and then...BAM! There's this hairy tail up my ass along with his tiny cock, and I feel like I'm being ripped apart," Jim murmurs into the pillow as Bones patches up his torn, bloody entrance.

"That's because you were fucking ripped apart, Jim. And what did you do, tell him that he had a tiny cock? Because why else would he decide to stick something else up there at the same time?" Bones demands.

"Um...shits and giggles?" Jim replies, bouncing up from the bed after Bones finished repairing him.

"Sure," the doctor replies sarcastically.

"I'm going to the bridge," he declares before sauntering from the room.

Well, sauntering as well as he could with healing anal tears...

3. Klingon

"There is no way that you can tell me that you didn't know he was an alien," Bones points out as he sprayed antiseptic on the bite on Jim's ass.

"I was doing my part to further diplomatic relations between species," Jim protests. "It's not my fault that aliens have some weird obsession with mauling my ass."

"Jim, this isn't even a love bite - he took a chunk out," Bones replies, disbelieving.

"Yeah, well, I'm just glad that he didn't rip my throat out. Fuck, that stings," Jim curses as Bones sticks hypospray near the bite. "Supposedly Klingons like to bite to claim their territory."

"Did you tell him that you're not a one-alien kind of man?" Bones asks dryly.

Jim shoots him a glare, not responding as he once again exits the Sickbay.

"I'm..." Jim is cut off by Nurse Chapel.

"Going to the bridge. We know!" the blonde snarls, ushering the captain out.

4. Romulan

"You knew this one was an alien too," Bones states dryly.

"Well, I didn't know that Romulans fucking tattooed their parter's ass after fucking," Jim curses. "I am sticking to humans from now on, I swear."

"Sure you are," Bone humors him while using the laser to remove the Romulan characters from his Captain's ass.

"I've been with a Kryptonian, a Saiyan, a Klingon, and a Romulan, and every single time I've had to come to Sickbay to get my ass patched up afterwards. And the sex wasn't even good!" Jim pouts.

"Why don't you try Vulcan?" McCoy suggests dryly.

"I'll think about it," Jim replies teasingly, getting up from the bed after McCoy is done.

"You're going to the bridge, I know," the doctor interrupts as soon as Jim opens his mouth.

The captain frowns, stomping out of the Sickbay.

5. Vulcan

"You slept with the Vulcan Ambassador?!" Bones yells. "How...I..."

"Can you just remove the bruises?" Jim pouts. "You were the one who suggested a Vulcan. I didn't expect him to grab my ass and squeeze like it was one of those stress-reliever balls. Actually, thinking about it, I'm glad he grabbed my ass and not my balls..."

Bones shoves him onto one of the beds and pulls his pants down, whistling at the sight of the dark purple hand-shaped bruises on the Captain's well-formed derriere.

"Only you, Jim, only you," he mutters.

The first officer walks into the Sickbay, stopping dead at the sight of his captain.

"I'm heading up to the bridge after Bones takes care of me, Spock," Jim reassures his friend.

"A Vulcan assaulted you?" Spock questions.

"Ah...not quite assaulted," Jim contradicts. "Ow, Bones! Could you be a little more gentle?"

"I could, but I won't be. You're the idiot who gets his ass mauled by every fucking alien male he fucks. Kryptonian...Saiyan...Klingon...Romulan...Vulcan..." McCoy mutters.

Jim flushes in embarrassment.

"Bones!" he hisses. "Not in front of Spock!"

"Why not? His other self is the one who gave you these, so you know he has to have sex eventually..." Bones smirks.

Jim lets his head fall to the pillow in front of him. Maybe he could smother himself...

"You engaged in sexual relations with the Ambassador?" Spock questions, some faint emotion that could be annoyance or disbelief or anger seeping into his voice.

Jim couldn't tell - he was too busy smothering himself in his pillow.

"Stop that," Bones commands, slapping Jim on the ass in reprimand.

Spock's eyes narrow.

That gives him an idea...

***The One Time He Did***

"What do you need now?" Bones questions angrily as Jim came limping into Sickbay. "Don't tell me you fucked the Rigellian Ambassador that we're shuttling back to Starbase Eight..."

"No..." Jim murmurs softly, blushing. "I...um...was flirting with him, a bit...but..."

"But what?" Bones demands.

"I need a salve," Jim states embarrassedly, shifting in discomfort.

"You ran out of lube?" Bones asked in disbelief.

"No...Igotaspanking..." the Captain mutters quickly and softly.

Bones blinks at him in disbelief.

"Say that again?" he asks.

"I. Got. A. Spanking!" Jim states firmly, pouting.

Bones splutters.

"Spock finally put you in your place?" he questions, laughing.

Jim gapes.

"What do you mean, 'my place'?" he demands.

"Why, under him, of course," Bones teases. "Or perhaps over his lap...We all knew it would only be a matter of time before he snapped..."