Inspired by the My Little Psycho series by CorpseyCamel.

My Little Pony is owned by Hasbro (though over two hundred of them live in my bedroom)

Not my normal style. In fact the only genuine "T" rated piece I have ever written.


Introduction: My Little Pony: Dirty Cash

Peachy sat her weary old bones on the chair in front of her desk. There were papers piled everywhere, mostly collection notices and past due bills. But the letter that came today was the icing on the cake. A foreclosure notice.

After being in business since 1982 (twenty seven glorious years), The Pretty Parlor (of which Peachy was the sole proprietor) was going under and there was nothing she could do about it. Most of her regular customers were now on fixed incomes and couldn't afford to come in as often as they used to. New business was scarce – the current generation of ponies weren't impressed by colorful ribbons and vintage 80's era Pony Wear.

Peachy was angry at the world, the economy and the corporate giant known as Hasbro, Inc. If you were to ask her thoughts on the latter she could give you an earful. In the last few years they'd poured millions of dollars into revitalizing Transformers, bringing them back to the big screen and mass producing merchandise. And sure, they let Pinkie Pie have a brief two second cameo – but would she get to star in a film of her own – NO! Every My Little Pony feature made was always straight to DVD. Then to add insult to injury – Transformers got a SEQUEL!

When the residents of Dream Valley found out about Hasbro's G.I. Joe campaign, it all hit the fan. Again the corporate monster poured millions of dollars into a live action movie and merchandising. Did anyone ever mention making a My Little Pony movie?

Over the years Hasbro purchased licensing rights for Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Spiderman, Ironman and Marvel superheroes – and that was just the tip of the iceberg! And through these actions one thing was made perfectly clear to Peachy:

Hasbro was sexist.

Seriously. What does Hasbro have to offer the fairer gender? Aside from My Little Pony – girls could also choose from Littlest Pet Shop and Strawberry Shortcake. Doesn't that seem a like a very short list to you?

Peachy was fired up from the injustice of it all. She picked up her vintage rotary phone with her teeth and began the four minute dialing process with her left hoof.

The phone rang a few times before her old friend Lemondrop, the sole owner of The Show Stable, answered. Like herself, Lemondrop was having financial difficulty as well. Not many ponies wanted to live at a stable when they had places like the Crystal Castle and Butterfly Island at their fingertips.

There was a series of neighs and whinnies as the two old mares exchanged pleasantries. As tough as things were it was always nice to talk to an old friend. Lemondrop suggested that Peachy swing by the Show Stable for tea that afternoon. Ponies love Tea Parties. Peachy happily accepted and made her way across the green rolling meadow.

She was excited to find that more of her old mates were also invited to tea. Cotton Candy and Blossom were there. Along with Butterscotch, Minty and Bluebelle who were happily frolicking around in the tall lush grass. Peachy noticed that only one of the Original Collector six was missing: Snuzzle. But she had a habit of chasing butterflies and was probably just running late.

"Tea's ready!" Lemondrop announced. The girls all came running. As they sat around sipping tea and eating pinafores they discussed their current financial crisis.

"Maybe we could sell lemonade!" Cotton Candy suggested as she tossed her silky pink mane.

"I think Alex has that market cornered." Blossom replied.

"What about selling cookies?" Minty's blue eyes sparkled.

"I think the Girl Scouts beat us to it" Butterscotch informed her.

The ponies sipped their tea in silence. No one wanted to suggest the obvious Pony Rides fundraiser. Last time they tried it, well it hadn't worked out too well.

Finally Peachy spoke up. "I have a suggestion". She unveiled her diabolical plan. There was only one way to solve their financial worries: Kidnap celebrities and hold them for ransom!

All the ponies agreed the plan was sheer genius. They were going to call some of their old friends and rally for support.

Later that night Peachy paraded down the catwalk of the Pretty Parlor admiring herself. Her peach colored plastic was still in excellent shape. Her pale pink mane and tail were as soft and silky as the day she was manufactured. The hearts painted on both her hips still colorful and vibrant. She set to work braiding her tail, tying the ends with colorful blue and purple ribbons. Curling her lips into a menacing smile she examined her handiwork.

Who would ever suspect a My Little Pony could be so devious?

Chapter One – Miley Cyrus

Owned by Disney. Borrowed by me.

The team was assembled in just a few days. At the Show Stable, the ponies were overjoyed to see each other again. They raced around the flower filled meadow chasing each other.

Lemondrop called everyone to order and they filed slowly through the green gate toward the stable. Looking down the list they compiled of popular celebrities, they made their choice.

"Best of Both Worlds, huh?" Peachy laughed an evil laugh. "Hannah Montana better watch her back."

The herd of ponies formed a circle in the pasture and got to work, planning their first job.


"And cut!" The director called the scene to a close with wide grin. "Fantastic job, Miley!" He patted her shoulder as she left the set.

"Thanks, Bob" She smiled back as she removed her Hannah Montana wig. "I hate this thing" she muttered as she tossed it to the floor where her three personal assistants tripped over each other to pick it up.

"Where's my tripled iced moc…" She hadn't even finished the name of the beverage before one was placed in her hand. "Thanks!" she said before taking a sip. In spite of her fame, Miley was still very polite.

"Miss Cyrus" Jim, one of her personal assistants kept pace with her "You have twelve more royalty checks to deposit. I need you to sign the backs of them" He held out a pen and clipboard with several checks attached.

"I thought they were just going to start wiring the money." She said with annoyance. "I am trying to promote Going Green. Make sure no one sees me with paper checks – ok" she told Jim as she quickly scribbled her name across them all. "Thanks"

"Yes Miss Cyrus." Jim replied and fell to the side while filling out her deposit slip.

"Miss Cyrus" Ashley another assistant quickly took his place. "I have an invitation here to Rupert Grint's surprise birthday party"

"A paper invitation" Miley groaned. "Why didn't they just send an e-vite? What are these people DOING to me?"

"What should I tell them?" Ashley asked.

"I like Rupert. Tell them I'm coming with.." She counted on her fingers "Twenty guests. That should cover it. Oh, and make sure that invite gets recycled. I don't want TMZ all over me again. Thanks Ashley."

"Will do Miss Cyrus" Ashley dropped back as she reached for her Blackberry to pencil in the date.

"Miss Cyrus" A third voice said. "You have a dinner date tonight"

"I do?" Miley turned around and laughed. "Hi Daddy! Where have you been all day?"

"I shot my scenes earlier, so we could spend some time together tonight." Billy Ray replied. "I thought we could go the Karaoke place and shake things up a bit."

"Daddy you are so funny" Miley answered. "Let me get some things from my trailer and I'll meet you in front office."

"Sounds great" Her father tosselled her hair.

"Oh Daddy – you did drive the Hybrid today, right?" Miley asked.

"Of course, honey. I'm a part of this Going Green campaign too."

Miley opened the door to her trailer and tripped over the fanfare that was jammed inside. She glanced at the pile of cards, stuffed animals and flower arrangements. "I have the best fans" she grinned. She grabbed her personal items and went to leave when a small gift bag with a rainbow on it caught her eye. She took a quick peek inside and was delighted to find a My Little Pony.

"Awww. I used to have one of these when I was a kid" She petted the soft pink mane. "What's your name Little Pony?" she said to the small figurine. "Since I can't remember I'll call you….Hearts. Because that's your symbol." She put the pony in her bag and left the trailer heading up the front offices to meet her father.

She was only a few feet from her trailer when something hit her from behind. She collapsed to the ground. Unconscious.


When Miley woke up she was tethered to tack rack with leather reins.

"Where am I?" she called out loudly trying to gauge her surroundings.

"You've been kidnapped." A strange voice said. "As soon as we get one million dollars you'll be free to go"

"One million dollars? That's it? That's all you want?" Miley replied a little insulted. She figured she was worth quite a bit more than that.

"Yes" The voice replied.

"Well untie me and I'll write you a personal check." She told the voice.

In moments her arms were freed and she reached for her bag taking out her checkbook. "Who should I make this payable to?" She asked the empty room.

" Mr. will be fine" The voice told her.

"Ok" Miley jotted down the name and filled in the rest of the check. "Here it is" she waved it in front of her.

"Just leave it on the desk please" The voice said.

"Ok" Miley did as instructed. "Have a great night ya'll" She said as she walked out the front door. "That was so weird" She said to herself as she hailed a cab.

"Where to Miss Cyrus?" The cabdriver asked. "The studio please. And is this a hybrid?"

"Absolutely" The driver at her.

"Perfect" Miley grinned and opened her bag. "Oh gosh dang it!" She exclaimed. "I must dropped Hearts when I was kidnapped. Shucks."


Peachy smiled as she checked her account balance. One million dollars richer. The Pretty Parlor was saved! She called Lemondrop excitedly. "Our plan is working! Who's next on the list?"

Lemondrop checked the spiral notebook in her hoof.

"Zac Effron" She told her.

"Ah yes" Peachy grinned devilishly. "We're all in this Together, Troy Bolton"

Chapter Two – Zac Effron

Contracted with Warner Brothers to play "Jonny" in Jonny Quest (in development)

Borrowed by me for this little side project

Wearing only his board shorts, Zac Effron stood with his surfboard at his side smiling for the cameras. His bare muscular pectorals glistened in the sunlight. He was voted People Magazine's #1 Best Chest for a reason (because he's pretty dang yummy)

Zac didn't like to be in the Hollywood spotlight. In fact the success of High School Musical caught him completely off guard. But he was a good sport about dealing with the paparazzi. He had nothing to hide.

"Ok people that's a wrap" His manager/agent called the photo shoot to halt. "Zac needs his rest"

"Thanks man" Zac nodded to his manager/agent and friend, Jason Barrett. "Would it be cool if I caught one more wave before calling it day?"

"Sure go ahead." Jason nodded. "Just don't get carried away. We have a red carpet event tonight and you and Vanessa need to be at your best"

"We will be" Zac grinned as he headed out to the surf. He caught the ride of his life coming back to the beach. Jason applauded loudly. "Nice job, man. Maybe I'll try to get you in a surf movie."

"I'd like that. As long as I don't have to sing" Zac laughed.

"I told you I was going to keep you away from that remember. That's why we turned down the Footloose remake." Jason snapped his fingers and pointed to Zac. "We're done with the type casting."

"Sounds good to me" Zac patted himself down with the fluffy beach towel. They walked to the secluded spot where their cars were parked.

Zac set his board on the roof rack of his car and fastened it tight. He hopped inside and saw a My Little Pony sitting on the passenger seat.

"What's this?" He picked up the six inch plastic horse in his hand. She had an orange body with a bright yellow mane and tail. On each side there were several apples painted. "It's a My Little Pony. I bet Vanessa would like it" Zac put the Pony in the cup holder next to his water bottle.

"Meet you at the hotel" Jason said as he pulled up next to Zac's car.

"Right behind you boss" Zac shifted the car into gear and followed his agent out to the highway. He turned on the CD player and cued up the first song. Zac rolled the windows up and turned the volume down. The first few notes of the song played and he drummed the rhythm on the steering wheel.

Tonight I gotta cut



"I'm not Kevin Bacon." Zac said to the My Little Pony "but I think I could have done a respectable job."

Applejack stared back at him with her painted on green eyes. As a product of the eighties herself, she took the comment personally. He certainly wasn't Kevin Bacon. And NO ONE should remake Footloose. Ever.

Zac hit a pothole and Applejack flew from her spot in the cup holder and onto the floor of the driver's side.

"Ooops" Zac leaned over to pick her up as he stopped at a traffic light. That was the last thing he remembered.


He awoke disoriented in a strange room. "Where am I?" He asked loudly.

"You've been kidnapped." A strange voice said. "As soon as we get one million dollars you'll be free to go"

"I don't have a million dollars" Zac replied.

"What? But you're Zac Effron! How can you not have a million dollars?" The voice asked in astonishment.

"Most of my money is in real estate." Zac told the voice. "My assets are frozen right now with the recent economical turmoil. I couldn't sell right now if I wanted to"

"Can you borrow the money from someone?" The voice asked.

"Maybe" Zac scratched his head. "Let me call my girlfriend" He took his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed Vanessa Hudgens.

"Hi, it's me"

"ZAC! Where are you?"

"I've been kidnapped. Can I borrow a million dollars for the ransom?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes. I promise to pay you back."

"Just like you promised to empty the dishwasher last night?"

"No. Last night I just said that so you'd stop nagging me. This is a REAL promise"

"Fine. I'll wire it over"

"I really appreciate it"

"I know. Now don't be late tonight ok?"

"I won't."

"I love you, Zac"

"I love you too, Vanessa"

Mmmmwahhhhh. Mmmmmmwahhhhh. Mmmmmmwahhhhh.

After several minutes of kissy noises Zac hung up the phone. "She's going to wire the money. Here's my account number" He took out a pen and paper. "I'm calling the bank right now to authorize a withdrawal."

After making the arrangements with his bank, Zac headed back out to his car. He hit the button on the keypad to unlock the door and began searching the floor of the driver's side for the My Little Pony that had fallen there. "Aww" He said in disappointment when it was nowhere to be found. "Guess I'll have to give Vanessa some flowers instead"


Lemondrop clapped her hooves together excitedly when she saw her account balance. Now she had enough money to catch up and her past due bills AND make a few much needed repairs.

"Who's next on the list?" Cotton Candy asked as she munched on daisy.

"Miranda Cosgrove" Lemondrop answered.

Peachy tossed her mane with an air of superiority. "iCarly is about to get iKidnapped"

Chapter Three – Miranda Cosgrove

Owned by Nickelodeon. Borrowed by me.

Chelsie – keep on Random Dancing – iCarly

"I watch your show EVERY day" Seven year old Chelsie Parker squealed as she clutched the autographed picture to her chest. "And I LOVE your music!"

"Thanks, Chelsie" Miranda grinned. "It was great meeting you"

Chelsie danced off excitedly with her mother and the next fan stepped forward to get a tee shirt autographed. Miranda glanced down the line of fans and smiled. She was quite shy for a celebrity and rarely did public appearances. Her agent made deal with Aeropostale and here she was, at the mall signing autographs.

"What's your name?" She asked the little girl.

"Carly!" The child shrieked excitedly. "Mommy, It's Carly. It's Carly!"

Miranda laughed and looked up at the girl's mother. "She absolutely adores you" the woman told her. "Her name is Hannah"

"Hannah" Miranda took the tee shirt from her and signed the back. Hannah continued to jump up and down yelling "Carly! Carly!"

"It was nice meeting you Hannah" Miranda came around from behind the table and gave her a hug while her mother snapped a quick photo.

"It was nice meeting you too" the mother smiled.

"Carly! Carly! Carly!" A group of teenage boys chanted. Miranda glanced up to the second story where they hung over the railing.

"We think you're HOT!" One of them screamed.

"If you want a boyfriend – I'm single!" Another called out.

Miranda blushed and looked away. She didn't date much. Well, actually she didn't date at all.

"Text me!" the boy in the baseball hat yelled followed by his phone number.

She could feel the redness grow on her cheeks. Glancing over at her agent, she saw him gesture to the boys and say something to the security guard. The guard immediately got on his walkie talkie.

An hour later there was no one left in line and Miranda's agent and began packing up the table and the box of photographs.

"I think we did very well today" Her agent told her. "Did you enjoy yourself?"

"I did." Miranda lips spread into a wide grin. "Much more than I thought I would."

"So, if more of these opportunities came up, you'd be interested?" He said as he folded the flaps of a cardboard box over.

"I don't know" She said hesitantly. "Maybe?"

"I think it would be a great PR, Miranda"

"I'll think about it." She nodded.

"I'll keep my ears open." He picked up both boxes. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yep" She answered as she grabbed her bag and cell phone. As she walked around the side of the table a tuff of purple hair caught her eye. She bent down and looked at the figurine on the floor. "It's a My Little Pony!" she said picking it up. She looked around the immediate vicinity, thinking maybe one of her fans had dropped it by mistake. But there was no one around. She looked at the pony again. She had a yellow body with purple hair and purple raindrops on her sides. "Raindrops" Miranda giggled. "Reminds me of my song "Raining Sunshine" Maybe I should drop this off at the lost and found." She twirled the purple silky tail around her finger. "Or maybe I could post a picture on my website." While she debated what to do she noticed her agent was at least fifteen stores away. She held the pony in her hand and hurried to catch up with him. That was the last thing she remembered.


Miranda woke up in a strange room. "Hello. Is anyone here" She asked as she rubbed the back of her head. 'ow'

"You've been kidnapped." A strange voice said. "As soon as we get one million dollars you'll be free to go"

"One million dollars!" She said in astonishment as she opened her bag and took out her wallet. "I only have $97.51. Is that enough?"

"NO" The voice replied.

"Ok" She rummaged through her bag. "I also have a $500 giftcard to Aeropostale"

"What else do you have?"

Miranda dumped the contents of her bag on the floor. "Some glitter, grape flavored lip gloss, a brush, a mirror, my lucky pen…" she continued to rattle off a list of items. None of which had any significant value.

"We want money"

Miranda rolled her eyes. "I'm not trying to be bossy BUT if this is a kidnapping, shouldn't you be calling my parents and asking them for the money"

The voice was silent.

"Fine" She took out her phone and dialed. "I'll call them."

After a few brief minutes on the phone Miranda hung up. "They're coming to get me and they'll have the money. All the bills are unmarked, nonsequential and in a duffle bag. I hope that's alright."

"That's perfect"

Miranda sat in the backseat of her parents' car looking through her bag. "It's not in here" she said to herself. "I can't believe I misplaced that adorable My Little Pony"


Back at The Show Stable the ponies danced happily in the meadow. They were three million dollars richer. Nothing could stop them now.

"Who's next?"

"Yes. Who IS next?" Peachy rubbed her hooves together maliciously.

So - who's next??? Your suggestions are appreciated!

Written for my Sammie - In the words of the great Brooke Davis - Clothes over Bros! It does get better girlfriend. Trust me.