A/N First attempt at writing anything resembling smut. Let me get the marshmallows out before the flames commence. Advice (other than you suck!) is always appreciated.
In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):
"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"
Ron was in a foul mood. Hermione had disappeared after the one brief kiss she had given him at the final battle. She told him she was looking for some sort of mentScope or MisterMean and that if he had an appointment with her father as soon as she got them back. She said there was no way he would get any farther with her until she had visited with her father. Although why she would want them to meet at her father's practice was beyond him. Crazy girl!
At least she had finally accepted that she was going to be his. He had thought he had ruined his chances at landing her after he had stormed off during the hunt. Luckily the twins' book had come through for him. It had been the closest to enjoying work he had ever come. Getting one over the bookworm was worth having to actually read and do his own work for a change. Ron was bored waiting for Hermione to come back and was sitting in the common room reading the next chapter from the twins' book. Lavender came in heavily bandaged from Greyback's attack, with Ginny helping her to the girl's dorms. Shame about that, Lav had been a lot of fun, but between losing her virginity ('Yay me!' thought Ron), and the threat of being a werewolf, he knew she was damaged goods. Of course, once he had 'Mione working in the ministry, he might need a mistress for when his wife was working or in a bad mood. That wasn't a bad thought! He could pay a little attention to her, and she would be at his beck and call! "Hey Lav, you need a hand there?" leered Ron. "No thanks Ron, Ginny has me. Uh, Ron? What are you reading? You know that you, Harry, and Hermione are all getting your NEWTS for Special Services right?" questioned Lavender.
'Crap!' "Uh, just reviewing the 11 uses for Dragon's blood." said Ron, hoping they didn't press further.
"Ele...uhh...right Ron, well don't stay up too long, Hermione said she would be leaving soon. Are you all packed?" said Ginny.
"Pshhh! I have better things to do with my time than head off to who knows where just to get back some stupid muggles!" scoffed Ron. With that he stormed off to his room, forgetting that he had stuffed the book in the cushions of the couch. Ginny's eyes narrowed, and she asked Lavender to lean against the wall for a second as she walked over to the couch. 'Looks like dear brother forgot his book, prat will probably be moaning that Harry or Nev stole it tomorrow when he remembers.' groused Ginny.
'Well, well, well! Seems my brother is even more of a prat than I thought. I can't believe he would be reading this! That Bastard! Now I know why Hermione has been so wonky lately! He has been love potioning her, and using the charms in this book as well. We'll just see about that you wanker! Shit!! I've got to talk to Hermione before she leaves!' thought Ginny frantically.
Ginny grabbed the book, hurried back over to the woozy Lavender and headed up to the room she was sharing with Hermione. As she started up the stairs she quickly fired off a patronus to get Harry to meet with all of them as quickly as possible.
SIX MONTHS LATER....
Ron couldn't understand it. One minute he was the hero of the wizarding world, ready to land a witch who would earn enough to let him live a life of luxury, and being awarded an Order of Merlin Second Class, and even getting NEWT's awarded for the work he had done.
Suddenly everything went in the crapper.
Hermione, Harry, Ginny and Lavender had all disappeared after going to find Hermione's parents. He had only gotten one owl from Hermione; saying that they had found her father and his appointment was all set up. So Ron had gone to meet Hermione's father at the office. After having his hand painfully crushed when they shook hands, things got hazy. He remembered a brief interrogation, and then the doctor had asked him to wear a funny mask. The next thing he knew he had woken up in the chair in excruciating pain. Hermione's father Dan had smiled at Ron, and told him went just as he had hoped. Dan handed him a packet of yellow packets of special muggle medicine with the words Splenda on them, and told him he would have to eat everything through a straw for the foreseeable future. He said that his teeth had all had been removed, and that he should come back after a month to be fitted for replacements. After a month of increasingly unbearable pain, he returned to the office to find it was now a lawyers office. There were no records of a Granger ever being there, and everyone looked at him quite funny.
His mother had been incensed, and had taken him to St Mungo's where she had fretted over him, and telling him that everything would be straightened out shortly. While the doctor was explaining that he would not be able to have replacement teeth, due to the nasty infection and rotting that had taken place, his mother had gone to the public womens' loo. While Ron did like the fact that he could pull his bottom lip up over his nose to scare the firsties, he was despondent that he would no longer be able to chew food properly. He was thoroughly depressed, and was looking forward to a comforting hug from his mother, and one of the meat pie shakes she would make for him.
However, when his mother came storming out of the women's loo, she looked ready to castrate him, and run his bits through a blender spell. "Of all the! Good for nothing....lousy excuse for a..." blustered Molly, looking ready to spit nails. Once she had laid eyes on him, she looked at the flyer in her hand and shook her head. She had grabbed him by the ear, and dragged him back to the burrow, hexing his backside all the way. She had told him to go pack and then flooed Arthur.
He assumed that he was being sent back to Hogwarts early since his so called "friends" had all denied the free pass on the NEWTS, as well as accepting the Order of Merlin, saying they would take the NEWTS when they returned from their trip. Something about setting a bad example for the youth.
Pshhh! As if Ron cared what the youth did. Unfortunately, the Headmistress thought it was such a good idea, that she revoked all the "freebie NEWTS" and said that the students would be expected to take the tests. When he dragged his trunk noisily down the stairs, cursing his "friends" all the way, he was met with a terrifying site. Arthur and Molly were both incensed, and while Molly was pulling the hand marked Ron off the family clock, Arthur had the family Grimoire out, removing Ron's name from the tome. He had then been banned from the Burrow, and disowned. He was now Ron NoName, and was no longer considered a pureblood.
He had returned to Hogwart's expecting to be hailed as a returning hero, but strangely, every girl in the castle treated him as if he either did not exist, or something that had to be scraped off their shoes after a class with one of Hagrid's more odious beasts. Even worse, with out the bookworm to help him "study" (copy her notes and tutor him) he had been forced to try to find alternative methods to pass his class.
Unfortunately, the cheat sheet he had bought from a seventh year Slytherin had set off the no Cheating charms during a test. Ron had been expelled in disgrace, his wand snapped, and trunk dumped outside the front gate in a pile of Thestral droppings by an angry elf wearing a strangely familiar tea cozy. He was now living in a rundown flat in Knockturn Alley, delivering pizzas and barely making ends meet. He had been written up several times for being late delivering the pizzas, or eating them before delivering them. If he had one more complaint, he would be fired.
He was at work when he had the sudden need to defecate so strongly he nearly soiled himself. He tried to go in the Wizards' loo, but it was out of order. With no other options, he looked around quickly and dashed into the Witches' loo. As he dropped his threadbare trousers and let loose with a wall shaking blast of diarrhea that literally blistered the paint from the walls his jaw dropped to the floor.
On the door in front of him was a wizarding picture of him, disturbingly similar to the ones of Sirius when he had escaped from Azkaban. It slowly cycled through several unflattering poses; him gumming a huge mouthful of food, sneering at something, and pulling his bottom lip over his nose and flapping his ears. Below the picture was a large WARNING! sign, his name then followed by a long, scrolling list of transgressions.
small (scratched out) MICROpenis
11 second man
uses love potions
known user of 12 failsafe ways to charm witches
loyal only to himself
The list went on like this for several minutes, never repeating, and Ron couldn't stand it any more.
Ron exploded! Then after wiping haphazardly, he got upset! He tried to tear the poster off the wall, but the original stuck to the wall and a duplicate of the original page stuck to him like a piece of flypaper.
By the time Ron exited the bathroom, he was covered in posters of himself, that were now all holding their noses and retching. There were flakes of paint stuck in his sweaty, matted hair, and he had a large stain in his pants. He had overflowed the banishing charm and was leaving a trail of smelly footprints as he exited the loo. He had run into his manager, knocking her to the ground, and had been promptly fired.
Now as he stood in the increasingly heavy rain, he wondered what he had done to deserve this horrible luck.
As he looked to the skies, he noticed a brightly colored bird headed his way. As it landed in front of him, it leaned away turning it's head as it extended the message tied to it's leg. As he unrolled the message, the bird squawked out a "Smelly Bugger!" and flew off. Ron shook his head, and turned his attention to the letter. It was from Harry! He must be coming back to straighten everything out for Ron! Good Ol' Harry! He was such a suck...err...forgiving bloke! Ron smiled, knowing that things were looking up for him now. Two hags, seeing his "happy face", looked at each other, shivered, and poured their flasks out in the alley and headed towards the rehab wing of St. Mungo's.
As you read this, I am on the private beach of the Black's in St. Tropez, surrounded by several scantily clad horny, pregnant, or some combination thereof, women. Mrs. Potter, Mrs. Black, Mrs. Slytherin, and my mistress. You might better know them as Hermione, Luna, Ginny, and Lavender respectively.
Do you remember your comments about how Hermione was ...what was the phrase, oh yes! "Scary! Brilliant, but Scary!", remember that?
Well, you were almost right, Scary doesn't begin to describe how angry the girls were when they found out some things about you. Turns out between the love potion you used on Hermione, the book, and the lust potion and obliviate you used on Lavender (that's date rape by the way Ronniekins), you pissed off some very powerful witches. Luckily we managed to change the focus of the love and lust potion you used on Hermione from a male Weasley to a certain hot little Ginevra Weasley. Lavender had almost sworn off men, (which is another crime in my book), but Luna, Ginny and Hermione managed with lots of whipped cream and Honey to show her that not all men were bad. She did have some nasty side effects from werewolf attack though! When it gets near the full moon, all she wants is doggy style, and her howls nearly burst our poor sensitive ears.
Luna? Well, Luna just loves me for my dick. Turns out all those imaginary animals were actually pet names her mom used for her dad's wedding tackle. She has regular (almost hourly) hunts with the rest of the girls for the crumple horned snorkack now.
All things considered, I am a happy camper. By the way, Hermione's Dad wanted to know how your teeth were? He wasn't too happy with you Ronald. Just be glad Emma didn't get hold of you! She was saying something about removing your balls via a root canal. SHIVER
The girls seem to have calmed down a little bit, so you shouldn't expect any more punishment for now. I am managing to keep them distracted a bit better now. Between baby making, practicing, full body suntan lotion applications and inspections, and nursery decorating, I have them too busy to worry about your sorry arse.
"The MAN-who-shags-witches-cross-eyed-for-hours" ™
P.S. Have to admit, I like the title the girls gave me over anything that Albus ever had :)
P.P.S. Oh, touch the envelope at the bottom of the page here. Hermione figure out a way to attach a package to the letter. It's going to make us even richer! Even with out all of the other Ancient and Noble Family fortunes, this little invention would mean our great great grandchildren never need to work a day in their lives. Hermione says we should use the money to start our own Quidditch team for all the sprogs we are going to have.
Ron ground his gums in frustration. Damn Potter! That money should have been his! He could have bought the Cannons! He harrumphed at the unfairness of the world, and touched the envelope picture at the bottom of the page. The parchment turned red and started to shake. Harry had sent him a Howler?!?
tap tap tap
"Is this thing on?" came Harry's voice.
"Testes testes testes!" giggled Luna.
"Luna! Honestly!" huffed Hermione. "It's recording Harry! Now get over here and put that monster in me! I'm ovulating and we have a MOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAANNN Ginny! Stop that!" said Hermione in a throaty voice that Ron had never heard.
"Shush Hermione, I am just making sure you are plenty wet for Mr. Firebolt there." said Ginny.
"You know I can't focus when you are nibbling on my clit like that! Lavender don't you dare stop sucking on my nipples! Luna get back over here, stop sucking on Harry's balls! You'll get your turn as soon as I get another batch of baby batter in me!" growled Hermione.
"Awwwww, fine but keep those other two off of Harry! They are already in the pudding club, and they keep trying to wear him out!" whined Luna.
"mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....Oh Merlin Harry, that feels fantastic, give it to me! Oooooooo! Keep licking me Ginnyyyy!" groaned Hermione
"Minxes!" laughed Harry.
With that, the talking abruptly ceased for several minutes, the only sound were breathy moans, groans, squelching and the sounds of bodies slapping together with increasing speed and force. Ron's toothless jaw had dropped as his eyes grew increasingly wider. His ears were turning redder and redder and the smell of burnt hair permeated the small alcove. Small pebbles twitched a few times, as minuscule motes of dust...glittered slightly? At first Ron has been aroused, as this sounded similar to the stories that he had read from the Dear PlayWizard section of Seamus's skin magazines.
Then he realized that not only was Harry screwing his sister, but that he had knocked her up. Then he realized that his innocent little sister was doing unspeakable things to both Harry and Hermione's privates and they both seemed to be enjoying it immensely, judging from the soundtrack.
"Ro..Ro...Ronn...Hermione...just...wanted me...to tell you...this is...as close...as you'll ever get to...shagging her...." grunted Harry.
"Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhh! Ohhhhhh! I'm a naughty little bookworm! Fuck me harder Harrrrrrrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" howled Hermione.
Ron then heard the chillingly familiar laugh of his sister, and frantically checked his nose for the dreaded Bat Bogey Hex.
"She's quite the howler eh Ron? Shame, she really did care for you at one point. And goodness, but she is kinky! The things she has us do to her! By the way, just so you know, all of this was my idea Ron! I figured out what you were up to, and I told Harry and the rest of the girls. I loved Harry enough to trust him, and Hermione was my best friend! Just for future reference, it's 12 uses for Dragons' Blood MoRon! Enjoy the rest of your miserable life you bastard!" cackled Ginny.
With that there was a loud explosion in the alcove as Ron's head exploded in a fine pink mist. A few seconds later, there was a smaller boom as the letter exploded in a burst of confetti.
Sadly, no one was present to see the strongest exhibition of wandless magic ever performed by the recently departed Ronald Bilius Weasley. The smell wafting from Ron had chased off even the most foul denizens of Knockturn Alley.
A/N This was supposed to be a pro Ginny story, as I always get complaints on how I bash her, but I saw a comment about how Howlers were always someone screaming in anger at someone. I thought I could have some fun with it, and bash MoRon at the same time. How did I do?