Disclaimer: I do not own nor claim to own anything to do with Criminal Minds. This is purely my imagination at work here.
Reid knows a lot about just about everything; as impossible as that would sound to any mortal man. So, it's almost comical when he wonders if a rampantly beating heart can crack ribs. He might have laughed at the thought, but there's nothing comical about the situation he's in right at this moment. His pale hands are trembling as he grips his steering wheel, and he's wondering if this will be the moment when he finally cries over Derek Morgan.
He remembered the way Garcia's voice had lowered, trembling when she told him that there would be no point in going to Morgan's loft apartment tonight. Reid had known the look on his face was nothing but perplexed heartbreak. As if he knew before she told him that Morgan had gone to see the sister of one of the victim's in the latest case. The young doctor remembered looking at his watch, registering the time, and knew he'd been stood up. Morgan had never missed one of their 'nights'. Morgan, who knew how much these things got to Reid, and Reid, who knew how much these things got to Morgan, never missed it. Their need to hold each other. Their need to forget about their work in each other, because no one else ever understood.
Reid feels himself crumbling, his forehead hitting his steering wheel as he draws in a shaky breath. He'd gone to Morgan's place anyways, and Morgan's car was gone. He knew what was happening before Morgan would get the chance to tell Reid himself. He was being replaced. In Morgan's world, where so many things were wrong, he could finally push out this part. He'd found someone to go to, who would understand, albeit in a different way, and that someone was a woman. Reid knew that Morgan found a way to turn one more thing in his dark world to something that felt right.
The tears come leaking from his eyes in hot streaks, down his white, too-thin cheeks. He can taste the saline on the tip of his tongue as his lips part to draw a shaky breath, instead releasing a cry he hadn't known was bottled up inside of him. Reid somehow manages to pull himself out of his car, heading for the doors to the building that Morgan lives in. He uses his key to get in, and then takes the lift up to the top floor. He feels like a robot as he drops Morgan's bag at his doorstep, and turns to leave before he's overcome with the urge to drop to his knees, crying against the wooden door, until Morgan comes home.
As he takes the lift back down to the ground level, Reid knows that Garcia could be wrong. He knows that maybe, just maybe, Morgan could have gone to the woman's apartment to tell her that it was all over. But, he can't forget the way the woman had touched Morgan, the way Morgan hadn't pulled her hand away, earlier... in the bullpen. He can't forget the way Morgan had seemed to be in such denial when Garcia had confronted him, unknowing that their team genius had heard it all.
When Reid manages to get back to his own place, for the time being, tears are a thing of the past. The past is always revisited, but for the moment, he thinks of himself as nothing but a zombie. Lifeless, and haunted, as he makes his way into his apartment that's smaller than Morgan's. It's neat, despite the fact that there are books placed within reach wherever one is when inside. He puts on a pot of coffee, and with numb fingers, he unbuttons his vest, before dragging the shirt underneath up and over his head. The air is too cool, from the lack of him being within the apartment for the last day and a half. He shivers, and can't help the thoughts that cross his mind. Morgan always undoes his vest, and Morgan always helps him take his shirt off. When Reid shivers, Morgan always pulls him in against him, promising him in his deep, soothing voice that it's okay to let go, now that it's over.
Derek Morgan is always there for Reid when he needs him, never letting him be alone after a case that's brutal, or full of sorrow, or simply haunting. It's a part of their deal. Reid takes care of Morgan just as much as the older man takes care of him. Reid is always there, to massage his shoulders, to work the tension from within his muscles. He listens when Morgan talks, and he's always there to hear the ire in Morgan's voice when he recalls cases. He calms the man, he soothes him and comforts him. He imagines, as the coffee pot beeps at him, that right in that moment... Morgan's laying on his stomach, his face buried in a pillow, and that woman's drawing lazy, comforting circles along his back as Morgan talks.
Reid leaves his steaming cup of coffee on the counter and retreats like a shunned puppy to the bathroom. He turns the shower on, raises the temperature a bit higher, and submerges himself under the hot spray that will be his only comfort tonight. Reid had argued within himself a long time ago, that crying in the shower could never count as actually crying. The tears mingle and disappear with the water, as if they were never there to begin with. Because it's okay here, within this small sheltered box, Reid lets himself cry once more. He reasons with himself that he's not any less of a man for it. He's not weak, as he sometimes thinks he is when in comparison to the rest of his team. His heart slams into his chest, reminding Reid of the very reason that this was so upsetting.
He's desperately in love with the man that isn't here to pick up the pieces when he needs him most. It was more than a need for solace after their cases that drove Reid into Morgan's arms. Morgan makes him feel better than anyone in the world ever has. He makes him feel as if he's truly important, beyond just statistics and geographical study. Derek Morgan makes him feel like a person, when his job would turn him into nothing but a shell who sees too much blood, too much death, more than anyone ever should.
Abandonment is no stranger to Reid. His father had abandoned him. Gideon had abandoned him. Morgan had promised to never leave him the way they had, even if he'd never returned Reid's silent, desperate cries for love. If he couldn't have Morgan's heart, he at least knew that at night, he would have as much as Morgan was ever willing to give. Reid can't find it within himself to hate Morgan for finding his comfort in something that's better for him, but he can't help the bitter tears that cascade down his cheeks. He can't help but feel selfish for wondering if Morgan knew what this was doing to him. Morgan had found someone else, and Reid had been left alone once more, with nothing but demons from his past to rise up. What about what he needed?
"Spencer." The sound of Morgan's voice startles him and he nearly slips inside the shower, gripping at the wall as the shower door opposite of it opens.
Derek Morgan steps within the shower and closes the door behind him to preserve the heat before it all escapes. It's uncomfortable and awkward, fitting two men within the shower but Reid can't find himself hating how close the naked man in front of him is. A sob breaks past his lips before he contain it and he stammers over his words, "What are you doing here?"
"You know why I'm here, Spencer." Morgan sounds annoyed for a moment, as if it's Reid that's broken their ritual.
"You're supposed to be with her." He replies, quietly, without as much bite as he would have wanted. "Garcia said you were with her."
"I was with her." Now, Morgan sounds almost ashamed and Reid is glad for it, but it doesn't answer his silent questions, the younger man's eyebrows shooting upwards. "I was with her, and it wasn't right, Spencer."
"We both know you were with her because this isn't right. That's why you went." Reid fights back now, pressing his back to the shower wall to put space between them though he doesn't accomplish much. "You don't want to be here with me."
"Spencer." Morgan snaps at him, and Reid can't help but to straighten his shoulders, stand up to him though he wants to cower. "I'm here with you because I want to be with you. You want me here with you. We both want this, Spencer."
"You think it's wrong. You've always thought it was wrong and that's why you took a chance with her. I'm not an idiot, in case you've forgotten, Derek. I don't want you here out of obligation." Reid hisses back at him, though tears are glittering in his eyes, but they don't count, do they? They're still in the shower. Tears mean nothing with the water raining down on them.
"You sure sound like an idiot right now, kid." Morgan closes the distance between them, his hand coming up to press his palm against the shower wall beside Reid's head. "Why, when I'm finally admitting what we both know you've wanted me to, are you suddenly fighting me about it?"
"Because you broke my heart, Derek, in the span of three hours."
His words feel sharp, and like a knife, they seem to stab Morgan. Reid wants to take them back, but he can't as Morgan's eyes close and a noise rumbles within his muscled, broad chest. That hand beside his head moves, tangling in Reid's curly, messy hair. Morgan's mouth is against his in the next moment, and Reid can feel himself losing control of his body, sagging against Morgan and trying to grip him all at once to stay upright.
"I'm sorry, Spencer." Morgan whispers against his mouth. "I'm sorry it took this for me to realize, that of all the wrong, fucked up things in my life... you're not a part of that. You're the only thing that makes it better. You're the only thing that I know is always going to be right."
"Derek." Reid's arms wrap around him, and he shivers even as the hot water hits his pale skin.
Morgan's there this time to hold him when he shivers. "I love you, Derek."
The muscled arms around him tighten and Morgan keeps him pressed close, comforting him when he needs it most. "I love you, Spencer."