If I could have seen into the future, and known what Sirius would end up doing to me today, I never would have lied to him. I would have been truthful from the start. Perhaps I'd never even have made friends with him in the first place. But honestly, I think that what Sirius did was destined to happen from the start. Reason keeps me from truly believing in some sort of mystical 'destiny', but I can't help from feeling it was somehow unavoidable that me and Sirius came to have this between us.
Allow me to set the scene. I was in my second year a Hogwarts, with a fair share of issues. Now, before you tell me that all teenagers have their issues, try growing fur and teeth once a month. I'm not the most open of people, so having that rather unavoidable skeleton in my closet was never going to be easy for me to deal with. Don't misunderstand me – I have people who I can confide in – but how on earth are you supposed to break the whole werewolf thing to someone? Publish an exposé in the Daily Prophet? Dress up as a wolf in your spare time so that people get accustomed to it? No. So, it just became another one of my secrets, which I always knew I would never, ever, ever confess to anyone.
I say 'secrets' because there's another one. One that I'd be even less likely to tell my friends. It involves a certain arrogant, dark-eyed boy by the name of Sirius Black. At first, I must admit, I didn't understand what I was feeling. A heavy warmth in my stomach and a strange tingling would come over me at the most inappropriate times. I remember the little things which affected me so much, like the first time Sirius picked me up - which has unfortunately now become a regularly performed party trick. Not that I mind, to be honest. I may as well tell the story. I accidently spilt ink onto Sirius's work, and then made some flippant comment about the quality of his work being pretty poor anyway, and how it probably benefitted from my contribution. It was hardly an offensive comment, and the four of us banter and joke like that all the time; which is something I enjoy immensely. Even so, an ominous and irresistible glint came into Sirius's eye when I spoke, and I knew I was in trouble.
"So many clever words, Remus, but strangely enough I don't seem to be seeing any action," Sirius said, crumpling up his ruined essay and lobbing it at me.
"Action?" I countered, looking up at him with fake innocence. "Well I'm terribly sorry Sirius, but sadly not everyone was born with your vast amount of manly aggression."
"Speak for yourself!" James cut in, grinning broadly and stretching his arms up above his head. "Some of us are feeling pretty manly right now, actually."
"Just because Lily actually laughed at one of your 'jokes' today," I shot back. Peter let out a snort of laughter, but turned it into a cough when James turned and glared at him with mock rage.
"You're feeling pretty high and mighty today, Remus." Sirius commented, getting to his feet. An impish half-smile grew on his face, and I leant back in my chair nervously.
"Sirius, don't- Ah!" I was cut short as Sirius lunged towards me and grabbed me up in his arms, flinging me over his shoulder with a few easy movements. I landed heavily across his shoulder, my mouth wide open in shock, not quite registering what had happened. Everyone burst out laughing, and I tried to struggle, but Sirius held me there easily with an arm over the small of my back.
That's the moment when I first felt it. That excited, delicious feeling that floods through my veins sometimes when I'm with him. It happens if our hands meet when we reach for the same thing, or when our cheeks almost touch when we lean over to stare at the book I'm explaining to him. Sirius is intelligent, but I work harder. I love explaining things to Sirius. I love being near him.
I'm going off topic. I was talking about what happened earlier today. To really explain it, I probably should begin a couple of weeks ago. So as I said; I'm a werewolf. My friends probably knew from the start that there were some things I kept from them, and that was fine. But they had begun to question the cuts and bruises that appeared all over my body once a month. At first it was just a comment or two, but after a while it began to really bother them, especially Sirius. They knew something was up, but I couldn't tell them what it was. Call me cowardly, but I wasn't going to risk losing my friends. I felt guilty about it, and I wished that I could stop keeping secrets from them, but I just couldn't bring myself to reveal everything.
Once a month, on the night of the full moon, I would go missing. The excuses I made up afterwards never satisfied them. On my own, under the Shrieking Shack, I would transform. Whilst a wolf I would scratch and bite myself, leaving my body scarred and bruised the morning after. More often than not, nightmares would plague me for at least a week after, and Sirius would have to come over and shake me awake. I hated myself for lying to my friends and making them worry, but what else could I have done?
It was several days before the full moon, and I was already starting to become nervous. I dreaded the night of pain and loneliness, and even more I dreaded having to lie afterwards. My friends couldn't help but notice; I became quieter, and jumped at small noises. We were all sitting in the Common roomlate at night, sipping on butterbeer, when Sirius brought it up.
"It's your time of the month again, Remus." He was joking, and I laughed uneasily, but I could feel tension in the air around me.
"Yeah, are you going to disappear again?" James asked. I opened my mouth, but couldn't think of anything to say. Peter watched me nervously, his eyes wide and anxious. I didn't dare look at Sirius.
"He won't be disappearing again," Sirius said matter-of-factly. I blinked in surprise. "No, it's getting ridiculous. Whatever he's doing, or whoever he's seeing, it's hurting him. And I don't want that to happen. So you won't be sneaking out anywhere, will you Remus?"
I wasn't sure what to say. They all stared at me, and I blushed and inspected the floorboards. A few moments of tense silence passed, before I nodded.
"I won't," I said, trying to sound convincing.
"You promise?" Sirius asked. I gulped. My heart beat quickly as I looked up and finally met Sirius's gaze. His dark eyes bore into mine, and I gazed back at him like a deer caught in headlights. I nodded quickly. He held my gaze for one more excruciatingly long moment, before his face broke into a broad grin.
"Brilliant," he exclaimed. "So, who's up for a undercover trip to Hogsmeade?" I frowned at him with surprise. How could he accept it that easily? It was obvious I was lying. Peter looked at him with confusion, clearly thinking along the same lines as me. James had a wry smile of his face, and I noticed him and Sirius exchange a knowing look. I almost wanted one of them to confront me again, but they got to their feet and reached for the Map. Instead of feeling relieved, I felt all the more anxious. Something was going on. I just had no idea what.
The night of the full moon came all too quickly. I spent the day in a state of constant worry, desperately trying to think of how I was going to sneak away from them. It was a freezing, wintry day, and rain had starting coming down in the mid-afternoon. There was no way I could be subtle. I'd just have to hope against all hope that they didn't notice.
I waited as long as I could, but in the early evening the sky began to darken and I knew I couldn't leave it any longer. I waited until they all seemed distracted, then made my way out of the Common Room. Just as I reached the corridor outside, a familiar form stepped forward to block my way.
"Where are you going, Remus?"
It was Sirius. My blood ran cold, and I racked my brain for an excuse.
"The l-library," I stuttered. "I'll be back soon, I promise."
"Well, that's twice you've promised me. I'd be a terrible friend not to believe you, Remus my dear. Off you go." And with that, Sirius turned and walked past me back into the Common Room. I stood there, mouth wide open with surprise. What in Merlin's name was going on? Was Sirius really that easy to lie to? I wanted to run back after him, but I knew that time was of the essence. I walked briskly away, trying not to think about what would happen when I returned.
I stood dripping wet and shaking in the door of the common room in the early hours of the morning. The night was horrible. Truly, it was awful. Whilst I was transforming the pain of it made me writhe on the floor, and I knocked over a heavy oak table. It fell on my wrist, bruising it so badly that I didn't want to try and use a healing spell on it myself in case it went wrong. I had considered sleeping in the shack, but it was far too cold and damp. I had stumbled back to Hogwarts, hoping all the way that everyone would be asleep when I collapsed into bed. When I finally returned the fire was still glowing, although that was the only source of light in the room. I had just taken a few unstable steps towards the fire, when I caught sight of something which made me freeze in my tracks.
Sitting next to the fire, staring straight at me, were James, Peter and Sirius. Peter avoided my gaze nervously, and James raised an eyebrow. But Sirius was staring straight up at me, an undecipherable expression on his face, he dark eyes gazing straight into mine.
"Well, well." James murmured. "Look who's turned up."
I gulped. For some reason, I could think of nothing to say. My mind went completely blank, and all I could think about were those black eyes staring at me from Sirius's pale face. All three of them were silent for a few moments. I tried to gather my thoughts a little, and took a deep breath.
"I just went for a w-walk," my voice was shaky and higher that it should have been. Even I realised how unconvincing I sounded.
"Just walking?" James questioned, his voice almost amused. I nodded, and desperately tried to stop my teeth from chattering. A small puddle of water had dripped off my clothes onto the floor beneath me.
"Honestly, e-everyone, I was just talking a walk."
"Then there won't be any new cuts or bruises?" Sirius finally spoke, his low voice sending a shiver down my spine. I shook my head vehemently, trying to obscure my swollen wrist between the folds of my sodden cloak.
"So you won't mind if I check." It was a statement, not a question, and Sirius rose to his feet.
"Uhhh…" I was speechless. I didn't know what he meant, and from the way he was looking at me, I was pretty damn certain I didn't want to find out.
What happened next took place so quickly that I only had time to let out a startled gasp. Sirius covered the distance between us in a few brisk steps and grabbed me. He swung me over his shoulder, but this time it didn't feel playful or teasing. It occurred to me that Sirius was angry. Seriously angry, if you'll pardon the pun.
I watched the floor as I dangled over Sirius's shoulder, yet again lost for words. I craned my neck upwards and saw James and Peter getting to their feet as well.
"We'll leave you two alone," James said, moving toward the door. Suddenly I found my voice.
"Wait!" I shouted, starting to feel panicky but not quite knowing why. "What's going on? I just went for a walk, for god's sake! Let me down! Someone explain what's going on!"
James – the bastard – just gave me a knowing smile over his shoulder as they both walked out of the door, leaving me alone and helpless over Sirius's shoulder. I was tired, cold, soaking wet and very confused, and I began to kick and wriggle in an attempt to get down. Sirius's arm went across my lower back, whilst his other arm pinned my legs to his chest. He began to walk toward the fire, and I continued to struggle. Moments later, I found myself back on my own two feet, only to be pulled down across Sirius's lap. He tugged off my damp cloak, flinging it to the floor, then pinned me down.
Now, being pulled over someone's knee isn't something I had experienced before, and I must say there is nothing like it. I found myself face down on the sofa, with Sirius's hand pressing down onto the small of my back. He quickly crossed his left leg over mine, stopping me from kicking. He also grabbed my wrists and pinned them at the small of my back. I let out a sharp cry of pain as he touched my aching wrist, and tried to kick with all my strength.
"Stop it." Sirius commanded, and his voice was tinged with an emotion that was somewhere between affection and anger. For some reason, hearing him speak calmed me slightly, but I still squirmed and tried to escape from his hold. He inspected my wrist as he held my hands at the small of my back, and brushed gentle fingers over the swelling.
"I f-fell!" I exclaimed, but it was hopeless. Sirius kept one hand pinning my wrists and moved the other one to the waistband of my trousers. He slipped his fingers underneath slowly, while I frantically wriggled and tried to kick.
"What are you doing?!" I was starting to feel panicky. My heart was pounding in my chest as if it was going to burst right out. "Sirius, stop! What's going on? Sirius?!"
"No! Tell me what's going on! Now!"
"I wouldn't be making demands if I were in your position."
"And what position is that?!"
"Over my knee." Sirius's voice was low and husky, and his words sent shivers down my spine. Then without warning, whilst I lay helpless and trapped across his lap, he slowly began to pull down my trousers.
"NO!" I shouted, not caring if I woke up the whole of Gryffindor House. "STOP! NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I tried desperately to break free from Sirius's hold, but he was far stronger than me. He paused, waiting for me to stop shouting. Finally I fell into and exhausted silence. He leant forward, so close that I could feel his breath on my neck.
"Remus, you want to take my advice on this. You really, really do. I'm going to say this once, and only once. Stop shouting." With the last two words he pulled my trousers down to the middle of my thighs, leaving only my underwear. I was about to begin shouting again, but something in Sirius's voice stopped me. It was a tone I'd never heard before, and for some reason it made me hold my tongue.
"You're shaking," Sirius commented. Even though his tone was still stern, I could hear the affection in his voice. It made me shiver all the harder, even though I could feel the warmth from the fire. It finally dawned on me what was going to happen, even though deep down I suppose I'd know it all along. This time I didn't protest as Sirius pulled down my underwear in one quick movement. I buried my face into the sofa in shame, squirming with humiliation and anticipation. I couldn't believe it. He couldn't, he wouldn't-
Sirius place one hand on my backside, resting it there lightly. I trembled under his touch. Moments passed.
"I know your secret. You're a werewolf."
I gasped in shock. "W-what?!"
"We've known for ages. It was James who worked it out, actually. But this, this is all my idea." With that, Sirius raised his hand and delivered a first stinging spank. The sound echoed throughout the room. I flinched and stifled a cry, and I couldn't stop myself from wriggling frantically.
"You need to realise something," Sirius went on, giving me another spank. "You can't go through this alone. We won't let you. I won't let you."
"I'm sorry!" I exclaimed. "Please, stop! Let's talk about this!"
"Not right now, thanks." Sirius said, and I swear there was amusement in his voice. "You can just lie there and think for a little bit."
I tried to protest, but another sharp spank made me gasp and wince instead.
"I'll do the talking," Sirius's voice had a new authority to it that I had never heard before. "Now, first of all, you're going to stop lying to me. Second, you're going to accept the fact that you're not alone. Thirdly, you're going to apologize for not having done those two things sooner."
"Sorry! Sorry! I'm sorry!"
"Unfortunately for you, that was number three on my list. We have quite a bit to get through first."
Sirius began spanking me in earnest – slow, hard spanks that made me bite my lip with pain. I tried in vain to wriggle free, but it was pointless. My bottom was beginning to really hurt.
"Please stop, Sirius! P-please! I won't do it again!"
The spanking went on, and my eyes began to swim with tears. I fought to hold them back, but I couldn't stop them from spilling over. I sobbed quietly into the sofa as Sirius spanked me for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, he spoke.
"So. About the lying." He continued spanking me while he spoke. "I know you're probably feeling guilty about it, so I'll make this clear and simple. Never. Lie. To. Me." With each word he delivered a burning spank which made my whole body jerk with pain.
"I'm s-sorry!" I cried, meaning it completely. "I'm so sorry! So, so, so sorry!"
"I know," Sirius said softly, and the gentleness in his voice made me sob even harder. "And I forgive you. We all do. But you're going to have to realise sooner or later than you're not allowed to go through this on your own. And for your sake, I'd recommend that it's sooner." Sirius sped up, spanking me so quickly that I almost bit through my lip.
"I understand, I understand! Please Sirius! P-please stop! Ahhhhh! Please!"
"Soon. I just want to make sure you really do understand, Remus my dear." He gave me a spank so hard I yelled with pain.
"PLEEEEASE! STOP! I U-UNDERSTAND! I'M SORRY, AND I UNDERSTAND!"
I collapsed into almost hysterical sobbing. Sirius gave me one final spank, and then stopped. I lay there, shaking and crying, my bottom burning.
With one easy movement, Sirius gathered me into his arms and lay me down on my back on the sofa. I gasped and tried to turn over as my aching backside hit the sofa, but he pinned me down gently by holding my wrists. Slowly, when he was sure I wouldn't try to get up, he lay down beside me, pulling me up against him.
"I'm sorry," I murmured, my voice still choked with tears.
"I know," Sirius replied, stroking my lower lip with his thumb. I began to feel that familiar quickening of my heartbeat and my breathing came in short bursts. "One last thing, however. Never bite your lip again."
I nodded, and opened my mouth to assure him I would not, when Sirius bent down and kissed me on the mouth. For a moment all I could feel was shock, then my veins flooded with a tingling warmth and I was kissing him back. He slipped one hand beneath me to touch my aching bottom, and I flinched. He drew back and smiled; a flashing-eyed, brilliant smile which made me feel as if I was going to melt.
"I'm going to look after you, Remus," he whispered in my ear. The feel of his breath made me squirm, but this time in pleasure. "And you'd better get used to it."
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