Love and Loss and Stalking

Chapter 3 - Ninja Therapy

"Tsunade-shishou promised me that she would let me retire from being a therapist months ago. Why the hell do I have to keep doing this crap?" Sakura slammed her sake saucer down on the bar, creating a sizable indent.

"Sakura-chan..." Naruto whined, "You dragged me out of my apartment to here, saying that you wanted to catch up, and you're already wasted after a small bottle of..." He turned the bottle so that he could read the label, "Holy shit, this is 180 proof sake?"

The self-claimed therapist cuffed him on the back of his head, staring straight into frightened blue orbs with a unfocused green gaze. "Now listen here, teammate. I have four appointments tomorrow that I really, really don't want to do. You know what they are? You know who they are?"

He squeaked out a very nervous no.

The medic let go of her best friend and put her head in her arms, facedown on the bar, and sighed. "Three fucking Hyuuga and that pig," she muttered.

He scratched his head in confusion. "Hold on a sec, Tonton goes to therapy?"

"Ino, you idiot!" She threw him out of the window.

After a filling lunch at the Hyuga household, Hinata, Neji, and Hanabi traveled as a group across Konoha's rooftops in order to get to the therepist's office. And of course, Neji and Hanabi were both aware of Tenten trailing behind them. Hinata remained blissfully ignorant.

"Hinata-sama, you do realize that there is someone following us, right?"

Hinata widened her eyes. 'Byakugan!' She swung her head from side to side, but couldn't find anyone behind her. "Ano... who?"

"... Never mind."

Tenten managed to stay in Hinata's blind spot the entire time. The power of stalking truly is frightening.

Haruno Sakura sat in a chair as her first patient walked in. "Please, Hinata, go ahead, lie down, and make yourself comfortable." She waited until the black-haired beauty lied down on the couch and stuck her hands down her pants, and then asked, "So, how are you feeling?"

"I'm... ano... I'm feeling horny, Sakura-san."

"And why is that?"

"I was stalking Naruto-kun all morning long. It felt... very good, like a fire had erupted in my loins. A warm, cozy fire."

"Is that why your hand are down your pants?"

"I want to keep this feeling for as long as possible, and..."

As Hinata kept talking, Sakura slowly lowered her head into the palms of her hands. This was going to be a very, very long hour.

Fifty minutes later...

"Thank you, Sakura-san, for that great session. I will put your suggestions about stalking Naruto-kun to use!"

"Yeah, sure," she replied weakly, bottle of sake in one hand and a notepad in the other. "Can you call Neji in for me?"

Hinata opened the door and walked out, leaving some sticky residue on the doorknob. "Neji-nisan, um, sorry to bother you, but it's your turn now." Inside the room, Sakura looked at the doorknob dripping... stuff onto the carpet. She shuddered, with revulsion or with desire, even she didn't know.

"So, Neji, how is your life going?"

The male Hyuga prodigy sighed. "Not so well. Both of my teammates... I think they're beyond repair, and they're annoying me beyond frustration. All Tenten can think of is Hinata, and all Lee wants to do is tell Hanabi more Itachi stories that he made up."

"That does sound... difficult."

"Of course it's difficult. It's getting so hard that my hair has almost lost it's shine."

The pink-haired ninja looked hard. "But it doesn't look like your hair has lost any of it's shine..."

"Yes it has."


In a tone that didn't allow any argument, Neji repeated, "Yes. It. Has."

Sakura sighed. Time to make this worse. "Have you ever tried using the brand Shinobi Naturals? I use it, and so does Kakashi's summon Pakkun. Both their shampoo and conditioner have a multitude of vitamins that enhance your hair..."

Fifty minutes of discussing hair products later...

Sakura punched a hole in the wall after Neji just insulted her favorite brand of shampoo. "Go. Just go."


"No excuses! You have to try out the brand before you can say anything bad about it!"

Neji positively quivered under her glare. "But... Hanabi-sama..."

"Just go. I'll call Hanabi in myself." Neji reluctantly nodded, then jumped out of the hole in the wall and headed to the Bath and Body Works in downtown Konoha.

"Hyuga Hanabi. One of the greatest shinobi the Hyuga has ever produced. So... what's new in your life?"

"You'll have to be more specific, Sakura-sensei. That is too broad of a query."

She sighed. "How were you feeling in the time between your last appointment and this one, Hanabi-chan?"

"I have been feeling... lost lately. As if I do not know my true purpose in life. My goal seems so unreachable, especially with all of the stories that Lee-san has been telling me."

Sakura flipped her notes to a previous page. "Wasn't your goal to defeat Uchiha Itachi? I understand why that seems like such a hard goal to meet. After all, I have met Itachi once in battle before."

Hanabi sat up, spine ramrod straight. "So it's true? You fought Uchiha Itachi... and lived to tell the tale?"

"Lie back down, Hanabi-chan." She complied. "I didn't fight Itachi on my own, but I fought him with my team. Even with me, Kakashi-sensei, Naruto, and Chiyo of the Sand, we barely managed to defeat him." Sakura pressed her hand down on Hanabi's shoulder, preventing her from sitting up again. "And even then, we discovered that it was a clone of Itachi with only about 20 percent of his true power. Itachi is probably the single most powerful person in the world. But even the most powerful people have fatal weaknesses. You just have to find them and exploit them."

The dark-haired girl frowned. "But... how do I find his weakness?"

"You should ask your own sister, Hanabi-chan. She knows all of Naruto's secrets and weaknesses."

Like a light shining through a cloudy day, Hanabi saw the answer in all of its simplicity. She nodded gravely. "I understand my true purpose in life now. I must stalk Uchiha Itachi in order to discover his weaknesses, and then take him down in order to protect Konoha from his power."

Sakura gaped. "That... wasn't..."

"Thank you, Haruno-sensei, for divining my true purpose in life. You are truly worthy of the title Ninja Therepist. I will now take my leave." She stood up, bowed deeply in the general direction where Sakura was sitting, and jumped out of the hole in the wall towards the Hokage Tower.

"... well, since that took only fifteen minutes, I have the next forty-five minutes to fuck myself over with alcohol. I just sent a promising young shinobi to her death."

However, when she opened the door to the waiting room, Inuzuka Hana was in the process of knocking, accidentally knocking on Sakura's forehead.


"Some therapist you are, hitting your client in the face," Hana groused, rubbing her newly repaired nose.

"I said I was sorry already! I even fixed your nose for you!"

Akamaru barked twice, howled once, and whimpered in the general direction of the Hokage monument. "Akamaru says that since you hit me in the face, you owe him a therapy session," the Inuzuka translated. Sakura blinked. "Err... he also wants you to know that Kiba thinks that your body is perfectly per-portioned, and that you always smell nice, like some kind of flowers that Akamaru doesn't remember the name of."

"Wait, what?"

Hana translated the various barks, howls, and whimpers. "Kiba heard from Naruto that you give therapy to pigs, so he thought, 'Why not dogs?'"

Sakura facepalmed. "Not that, the Kiba part!"

"Oh, he says that Kiba put him up to it. Akamaru himself thinks that you smell like blood, urine, and strawberries covered in shit."

"... I'm sorry, but I need some more alcohol to deal with this. I'm going across the street to the liquor store, and I'll be back in ten to fifteen minutes, so just... wait here. Make yourselves comfortable." She gestured to the couch and table, and walked out the door and closed it firmly behind her.

"Akamaru, did you hear that? She told us we could make ourselves comfortable." The huge white dog barked twice, and started slobbering.

Ten minutes later, the therapist was crossing her waiting room with a dozen bottles of rice wine, when she heard a series of loud barks emanating from her office. Curious, she first tossed the three empty bottles into the trash and deposited the remainder onto the empty receptionist's desk. Sakura opened the door to her office, and stopped dead in her tracks, all drunkenness wiped from her system. Hana was on her knees, her pants pulled down, and hands on the coffee table Yamato made her. Akamaru was positioned right behind the Inuzuka, his front paws on Hana's back.

"Um..." The two women muttered in unison. One muttered it in confusion, the other moaned it because her insides got... shifted.

Haruno wrenched her eyes away from the pairing in front of her upwards towards the clock next to the huge gaping hole in the wall. She wondered idly if the two knew they were giving Konoha a free show, blushed, turned away, and said loud enough for the two to hear, "I have thirty minutes left before my next patient. When I come back in twenty, I had better see you both gone, and this room completely, utterly, perfectly spotless. Understand?" Without waiting for an answer, she closed the door to her office behind her, sprinted to the nearest bar, and started drinking. Again.

Five minutes before her appointment with Ino, Sakura quietly opened the door to her office, seeing no one there. Sighing with relief, she collapsed onto her therapist's chair, enjoying the silence.

"Heya, Forehead!"

She threw her fists in front of her in surprise, grazing Ino's shoulder. "Wah! What... what are you doing here?"

Ino looked slightly hurt. "Well, it's time for my appointment, right?"

"Well, yeah, but I was sort of hoping for you to come through the door, not that hole in the wall..." She took a better look at her friend's face. "Hey, Ino, you look really red. You alright?"

Ino laid down on the couch. "Well, sort of. I'm hoping that you would help me with that. You see..." She pulled up her purple miniskirt. "I've become addicted to Tenten's thong!"

"Wait, what?" Sakura leaned forward, looking closer. "Is that entire thing wet? And I can see the outline of..."

"Yep, it's wet. I was watching Akamaru hump Hana the entire last hour from the roof of that building over there. Then they stopped an hour ago... I was so disappointed!" She threw herself onto Sakura's lap and started grinding. "Please help me!"

"But... it's not moral..."

"This is what you ninja therapists do, right? You make better ninja by molding them, making their disorders grow and introducing new ones! Come on, Forehead! Mold me with your hands! Show me the way to a better disorder!"

"But... I don't..." The therapist sighed, then stuck her middle finger straight into the middle of that enticing black thong. "You know, after all I've been through today, why the fuck not? Let's do this thing."

On the roof directly overlooking the office, Tsunade put down her binoculars. "Good girl. Shizune, let's go buy that double-ended horse dildo, alright?"

"Of course, Tsunade-sama. As long as you don't stick it into my vagina again. Healing that was a bitch."

A/N: It's Kraken's fault. Completely. And Nugar's fault. Somewhat. DAMMIT NUGAR I TOLD YOU TO STOP HUMPING MY LEG!