Proof if proof was needed that I can't write humor.
Sometimes You Just Fail
****Hey guys? Remember that time we went hunting for a chupacabra?
****That was fun!
****Mercí! How could I forget?
"Austria? No, Hungary is at his house today. England? No, he's at America's." France crossed out both names. "Finland? Got him last week. Belgium? Got her yesterday." The personification of the nation of France leaned back on the sofa, tossing the paper onto the coffee table in front of him.
"I am running out of people to molest." He sighed. He'd broken his record last week, so many nations in such a short amount of time! But now it seemed like there was no one left to shower with French love, and France hated doing repeats. France let his head roll back and stared at the ceiling. He, the nation of love and romance, home of Paris, the city of lights, where wine flowed freely and water was served in a bottle, was bored.
Several loud thumps brought France's eyes to the front of the house just in time to see the door come crashing down. "Hey, France, you in here?" The former nation formally known as Prussia stood at the entrance shouting.
"I'm right here, Prussia." France waved from the couch on the other side of the room, "And you're paying for that door."
Prussia simply grinned as he approached the listless Frenchman. "Yeah, whatever. Listen, were going chupacabra hunting, you want in?"
"You're going what?"
"Chupacabra hunting." Said another voice from the where the door used to be. France pulled himself upright and looked passed Prussia to see his other old friend coming towards him. Spain had a big smiled on his face.
"We just saw a special on the Discovery Channel. There have been a rash of chupacabra sightings in Puerto Rico." He explained with a bright light in his eyes. "It has always been my dream to capture one of these beasts."
"Plus if we get one of those suckers we get fame and fortune!" Prussia added excitedly. "So you want to come?"
"What exactly is a chupacabra?" France asked with slightly more interest.
"A monster that attacks animals and sucks their blood!" Prussia shouted with glee. "They've been avoiding detection for years but they've been on a killing spree lately."
"They look like reptilian dogs." Spain explained. "They have fangs like a vampire and spines along their back. They have big red eyes and claws. We want to capture one and bring an end to this reign of terror!" he suddenly exclaimed. "My last dream in the New World is at hand and we wanted to know if you would help us!"
France stared at them. "You break down my door and expect me to just go with you all the way to Puerto Rico to catch some crazy animal?" he said incredulously.
"Like you're really doing anything important right now." Prussia pointed out.
"Come on, France." Spain said a bit more conciliatory. "We haven't done anything fun since 1909! Let's take a break from the ordinary for awhile."
France let his head fall back again as he thought. It was true that he was not engaged at the moment. There wasn't any political crisis going on. The economy was still bad but that was nothing new. And he could do with doing something out of the ordinary.
"Alright!" he said as he stood up. "Let's go catch ourselves a chupacabra!"
****My God, those plane tickets were expensive!
****What are you complaining about Spain? It's not like you paid for them!
"Do we really need all of that?"
"Of course we do! You can't be too prepared when going up against a blood-sucking monster."
France and Spain looked on as their red-eyed friend hulled a large pack behind him out of the camping store they had stopped at. The bag was easily as big as a grown man and looked like it was capable of holding two. Prussia had obviously taken advantage of this and stuffed it with it seemed everything the store had to offer. That this had made it heavier that the German had expected was apparent as his two friends watched him turn red as he struggled and heaved the large pack to their rented jeep. When they made a move to help him he waved them off.
"I got it. Just give me couple seconds."
At last, with an impressive display of strength, Prussia managed to get their supplies into the car. France and Spain got into the jeep and waited for their friend to catch his breath. At last Prussia made his way into the car, collapsing in the backseat. Spain started the engine and drove towards the forested area.
France, sitting in the passenger seat, turned around to face Prussia while their driver fiddled with the radio. "So what exactly is our plan?"
"It's simple," was the reply from the backseat. "We just set up traps around the rainforest and camp out till we snag something."
"And what kind of traps do you have in mind?"
Prussia grinned, "You'll see."
"First I was afraid, I was petrified. To think that I could never live without you by my side -"
"Hey, I love this song!" Spain began singing along.
"No way in hell!" Prussia sprang up from the back and threw himself upper body up front in between the seats. "I am not listening to that! Change the channel!" He reached for the knob on the radio but Spain smacked his hand away.
"No! I'm driving so I get music choice!"
"Not if you're making us listen to this stuff!" Prussia made another go at the radio, Spain grabbed his wrist to pull it away but the German then grabbed his wrist and tried to pull in off his other arm. France looked on in horror as Spain's free hand joined the battle for the radio, letting go of the wheel in the process.
The car veered to the left.
The car veered to the right.
A Mercedes blared its horn frantically as the jeep turned into its lane.
"Spain, watch the road!" France screamed to no avail. The Spaniard now had Prussia in a headlock while the latter was attempting to shove his thumbs in the formers nose. France ducked under the tussling duo and grabbed the steering wheel. He turned sharply just in time to avoid crashing headlong into the Mercedes.
France winced as Prussia unintentionally elbowed his back while attempting to crush Spain's head. He attempted to shout at them but his mouth was suddenly filled with Spain's shoe as he turned in his seat to kick the back-seater away.
"My music will survive!"
"Over my dead body!"
"Watch the road!"
Another horn much louder than the last roared up the road. Two head looked forward and two pair of eyes widened. France somehow managed to pull himself out from under the other two and looked up. Three mouths dropped open and screamed as the truck headed straight for them!
****How the hell did we even survive that?
****God was feeling merciful that day I suppose.
****More like it amused Him to see everything we went through after that.
An hour later they arrived. Spain walked into the forest and breathed deeply.
"I haven't been here since America kicked me out." He stated, "It feels good to be back."
"Yeah we all love nostalgia, but can you help us over here first!" Prussia snapped as he and France struggled with the giant bag. The Spaniard hurried over to help. Together, they managed to drag their gear to the camping zone.
"We should set up camp first, no?" France suggested.
"No way," Prussia said as he crouched down and unzipped the bag. He rummaged through its contents, pulling out assorted items and handing them to the other two amateur chupacabra hunters. "First we set up traps. The faster we get prepared the faster we bag ourselves a monster."
He stood up and pointed to France, then pointed westward. "You take your stuff and set it up over there." Then pointing northward, "Spain, set up you traps in those trees. I'll take care of the rest of the area."
With that said the albino took off into the forest, traps in hand and cackling like sugar-high maniac. The other two nations watched him until the dense forest blocked him from view.
"Well!" Spain said with a laugh, "Better get started!" he walked towards his designated area, whistling cheerfully.
France was alone now. He sighed and shook his head. "Why am I doing this again?" he wondered aloud before setting off to lay his traps.
They worked all day setting up their various methods of creature capture. Bear traps were hidden among fallen leaves, slabs of meat were left dangling above deep holes, netting was laid carefully on the forest floor ready to spring up and ensnare any creature that walked into it.
At sunset their long task was complete and the trio gathered back at their camp site to prepare for the night. It was then that they encountered a problem.
"What do you mean you forgot to buy a tent!" France thundered.
"Well, I thought Gil was going to get it at the store we stopped by." Spain said sheepishly.
"Why would you think that! You never once said we needed to get a tent" the third party member shouted.
"Did you at least get the sleeping bags?"
The look on Spain's face told them everything they needed to know. Prussia groaned in frustration and France resisted the urge to slap Spain with one of his remaining bear traps.
For his part Spain merely laughed nervously. "Relax guys, this just means we'll sleep around the campfire. It'll be just like the Dark Ages all over again!"
"They're called the Dark Ages for a reason, dumbass." Prussia snapped. "No one wants to go through them again."
"And I for one do not want to sleep in a rain forest were a blood-sucking creature may be lurking about without something between me and it no matter how flimsy." France said.
It was just then that the three nations noticed just how dark it was getting. From somewhere deep in the forest an owl hooted. It sent shivers up the nations' spines. The croaks of frogs suddenly became a lot more loud. Unconsciously the three moved closer to each other, each one staring nervously in a different direction.
"Hey, Spain?" France said nervously.
"Those chupacabras, they aren't nocturnal are they?"
"Well actually, they always attack at night. When everyone has gone to bed they break into animal pens and kill goats and chickens."
"Relax." Prussia chuckled. "No dumb animal is getting passed all the traps we set up."
"Assuming it is an animal." France said quietly.
A wolf howled far too close for comfort for the trio. The sky was darkening rapidly and the pale moon was rising.
"Maybe we should build a fire?" Spain suggested.
"Good idea." France said. "Why don't you get the wood?"
"Why do I have to do it?" the brown-haired man whined, staring anxiously into the forest.
"What? Are you afraid of the dark?" France never looked at his friend as said this, also keeping his eyes on the forest in front of him
"No, it's just…"
Prussia solved the problem with a stomp of his foot. "Oh, for God's sake you guys are freaking wimps. I'll get the damn wood!"
France and Spain moved closer together as Prussia marched out of their protective triangle. The German held his head up high with confidence. His boots crunched the leaves and twigs in his path until he stood at the edge of the clearing and the forest. He glared into the underbrush.
"I'm not afraid of the dark and I'm not afraid of any monster either!"
A shuffle in the forest made Prussia freeze. The two nations behind him held their breath as he took an involuntary step back as the rustling grew louder.
A step, a snap of metal, and then:
The most horrible inhuman shriek vibrated through the ears of everyone in the rain forest. Prussia's hair stood on its end and the other two nations clung to each other in terror.
"W-w-was that the- the chupa – "
France did not finish his sentence before the creature burst from the brush. Waving its skinny arms and screaming like a hell-spawn the chupacabra charged towards Prussia. Its glowing red eyes targeted the nation and it reached out towards him.
The man also known as Prussia, warrior of the ages, battle-scarred veteran of thousands of conflicts, screamed at the top of his lungs and bolted away, streaking past his friends. France and Spain took a moment to watch him go before turning back and realizing there was no longer anyone between them and the monster now. Two more screams and two more nations ran off into the forest.
Prussia thrashed through plants and branches. Got to get away got to get away!
A step and a snap of metal. With all his might Prussia resisted the urge to shout in pain. He looked down at his legs and saw by the moonlight that one of his own bear traps was now clamped around his leg. And it hurt like a mother –
And then another snap.
Prussia had placed his other foot in another trap.
"Damn it! Damn it!" His attempts to shake them off did nothing but cause him to fall over.
The German bit his lip as a third trap crunched his right hand. He leapt back and fell of his –
****Where did you two run off two anyway?
In another direction France and Spain broke records while the chupacabra howled behind them.
"Is it still after us?" France shouted.
"I'm not looking to find out!" was the reply behind him.
A pain-induced scream filled the air.
"It got Prussia!"
"He will be missed!" France said tearfully without stopping.
A surprised shout from the Frenchman caused Spain to halt just as his friend disappeared from sight.
Spain looked down. A large pit about seven feet deep was where France was currently stuck in. It was one of several they had dug earlier. The Frenchman clawed at the sides of the hole, desperately trying to get out.
"Help me!" he shouted again.
Another shriek from behind. Spain looked behind him; there was the short shadowy figure with red eyes coming closer. He looked down; France was reaching up, waiting for him to grab his hand. Spain made his decision.
"Good-bye my friend!" he said as he took off, "I'll tell them you died bravely in battle!"
"Hey, wait! Spain, come back here!" but the Spaniard was already long gone.
Why did I even come here? I don't want to die! Were Spain's frantic thoughts as he leapt over a log. Where can I go? I don't know this place. What if I get lost and that monster finds me again?
Had he been paying attention to where he was going he would have seen the rope trap just in front of him. As it was, he stepped right into the circle, which triggered the trap, which made the rope tighten and pull up.
Spain was suddenly yanked by his foot into the air like a fish on a hook. He found himself spinning and screaming while dangling upside down almost inches from the ground.
"Jesús salveme!!" he shouted frantically.
Someone suddenly rushed out if the darkness and slammed into Spain. The force sent him swing on the rope while the other fell back.
"Ow!" they both groaned.
Wait, I recognize that 'Ow".
"Prussia?" Spain shouted at the man whose boots were no inches from his face. No wait, those weren't boots. They looked, metal?
Prussia rubbed his forehead where it had collided with Spain's airborne feet.
"How the hell did you end up like that?" he muttered.
"Is that really important? Just get me down!"
"I'm busy at the moment!" Prussia roared as he got up. "In case you haven't noticed I'm being chased by a blood-sucking monster and I have a bear trap on my butt!"
Spain's eyes flickered to the body part in question. There really was a metal trap attached. There was also one biting his hand.
"Get me down and I'll help you." Spain insisted. "We can escape together!"
Prussia reached over and started slowly loosening the knot with his one free limb.
"Hurry up before it finds us!" Spain cried.
"Shut up and let me work! I only got one hand."
The knot was loosened and Spain's foot was free. The good news was that he was only a few inches from the ground. The bad news was that Spain landed on Prussia's bear-trapped foot. The trap dug deeper into Prussia's foot and he cursed loudly. Spain merely winced as a large bruise formed on the top of his head before he toppled to the ground. Prussia kicked his head angrily.
"Get up you idiot! Help me get these things off."
Spain pulled himself up and moved to pull the trap off of Prussia's hand when he stopped suddenly. His eyes widened and his face paled. Prussia looked at his oddly, then he realized the Spaniard wasn't looking at him but behind him. He twisted his neck and his red eyes found themselves staring into another pair of red eyed, almond shaped, glowing red eyes illuminating from a short figure rapidly advancing towards them.
Without a word the two nations took off screaming again. The chupacabra chased after them, its shrill voices silencing all other wildlife. Through the bushes and trees the two men ran, leaping over rocks and stepping on tails as the went. The whole forest was in uproar.
"Listen!" Prussia shouted. "We'll double back to the car after we lose him and get out of here!"
"Where's France anyway?"
"Well he's – Aaaah!"
Prussia stopped in his tracks. Spain had been running alongside him and then disappeared! He looked around wildly for his friend but the moonlight was hidden by the trees he couldn't see a thing. He could hear though.
"You coward! Take this!"
"You left me to get eaten!"
Finally looking down, Prussia jumped back a bit when he noticed he was standing dangerously close to a large hole in the ground, in the space where Spain had just disappeared from.
"Hey, Spain, are you down there?"
"I'm here!" came the reply from below. Another punching sound followed. "I found France too!"
**** I'm never going to forgive you for that.
**** I said I was sorry! I panicked!
After finally getting pulled from the ditch, the trio was reunited. They resumed their running.
"There's the car!" France exclaimed as they reached the clearing.
"El chupacabra!" Spain screamed pointing behind him. The other turned around and sure4 enough the creature was behind them again.
"Oh Lord, it's a demon!" Spain cried in terror.
"Stop standing there, run!" Prussia yelled before following his own advice.
They reached the jeep well before the monster. France ran around to the other side, opened the door and got in. Spain did the same. Prussia simply leaped over his door and into the back seat.
"Drive! Drive!" he shouted.
The Spaniard did not need to be told twice. A twist of the key and a twist of the wheel and the trio was speeding out of the forest.
**** That was one of the weirdest experiences in my life.
**** And we failed to catch it either. Next time we'll be more prepared.
**** Next time? Are you crazy? Sometimes you just fail and sometimes that's a warning to not try again!
**** What? If at first you don't succeed…
**** Forget you tried! That's enough craziness for me!
**** You never paid for my door did you?
What they did not know…
"God Damn!" A little gray man roared for the hundredth time that night as he struggle to pull the bear trap off his foot.
"Tony?" a voice yelled from the dark. "Tony, are you there?"
"Help me!" the alien cried out as he futilely attempted once more to free himself
America found his little alien friend sitting on the ground in a clearing.
"How did that happen?" America asked without trying to hide the amusement in his voice. He took that trap and pulled apart the teeth with ease. Tony quickly yanked his foot free and rubbed it where the metal had dug into his skin.
"Damn tourist laid a bunch of the fucking things all over the place!" he snarled.
America shook his head. "When will they learn it's not safe to leave stuff laying around like that?" he sighed, "Especially now off all times."
He helped the alien up, who scowled at the bear trap like it was now his personal enemy. America picked it up and put it under his arm. He hefted up the hunting rifle he was holding and looked around the dark jungle expectedly.
"Come on, Tony. We can't afford to waste time. There's still a chupacabra on the loose and we gotta find it!"
Tony, still cursing under his breathe, followed the young American back into the forest.
I wrote this for someone but somehow ended up mailing in an unfinished rough draft on accident. This makes the title ironic, because sometimes I just failed. Read and Review, even though its sucks!