To explain my year-long hiatus...I started to really hate this plot. However, I WILL be finishing this fic (or at least this chapter trilogy), though I will be removing Demitri since he doesn't fit into the new plot. Everyone else will be staying, and let's just pretend that some time passed, Monty Python-style.
Also, my personality has developed over the past year, so expect some characterization changes for all the author inserts.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy VII, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Princess Bride, Mortal Kombat, Transformers, The Wizard of Oz, Wicked, Spider-Man, Glee, Spongebob Squarepants, Call of Duty, Ben and Jerry's, Lady Gaga, Wal-Mart, Subway, iPod, Goldfish, Twizzler, or any of the songs/music artists.
Chapter Forty: Unstable Investigators of a Golden-Haired Sort
Sitting at a diner table within the mansion, Anakin twiddled his thumbs, Eowyn smiled as she sent a text, and Nemesis hummed along to a song she was listening to as they waited for Obi-Wan to return with their food.
"Uh...nice weather we're having," Anakin commented awkwardly to the two girls.
"Uh huh," Nemesis replied distractedly as she flipped through a playlist. Eowyn didn't even respond to Anakin, too absorbed by her text.
As Obi-Wan returned with four cheeseburger platters and a bottle of ketchup (thank goodness for Force levitation, or else the ketchup probably would've fallen, shattered on Anakin's head, and caused a serious brain injury mishap. But that's another story for another time), Eowyn stood up abruptly and began to rudely leave, dissing Obi-Wan's cooking (not that anyone minded after the Obi-Wan's Surprise incident).
"Wait, where are you going?" Obi-Wan questioned, more than slightly offended.
"Sorry, Obi-Wan," Eowyn responded. "I have to go. I'm meeting someone."
She stepped out of the dining room, but Anakin questioned her before she could go any further, "Wait! Who?"
"My boyfriend," she said nonchalantly as she left. Anakin's face collided with his ketchup-soaked fries as he fainted.
"Wolf! Wolf!" Anakin exclaimed in panic as he raced to the common room.
Behind him, Obi-Wan could be heard crying, "Anakin! What's the big deal?" But Anakin did not hear, since we all know the bonehead has selective hearing and only hears when it's either about girls, the Sith, chocolate chip ice cream, or Luke's boogers.
He busted down the door, forcing Aragorn and Ron to lose their focus and turn away from their chess game to look at him.
"Hey! Where's Wolf?!" Anakin asked desperately, on the verge of a mental breakdown.
Without looking up, Aragorn responded, "She's at karate. Then Cloud's picking her up so she can help him pick out a cappuccino maker and some other appliances-"
"Wolf's in karate?" Anakin interrupted Aragorn.
Ron gave him an incredulous look. "She's been in it for years, Anakin. She's used it in battles in front of you, for Merlin's sake! That's why she always points out the errors in the physics of Mortal Kombat-"
"Wolf plays Mortal Kombat?" Anakin's confusion increased greatly, forcing him to the edge of hyperventilation. No, not the edge of glory. Anakin doesn't dress in cold cuts and sing about Judas from the Bible.
"Do you know your friends at all?" Aragorn couldn't resist asking.
"Well, of course I do...uh...uh...err..."
"My name's Aragorn, Anakin," Aragorn (obviously) growled, irked by Anakin's frantic breathing and idiocy.
"Yeah, Aragorn! I know, Aragorn! We talk, Aragorn! We're buddies, Aragorn!" Anakin got on his hands and knees, his emotions getting the better of him.
"Anakin!" Obi-Wan exclaimed in relief as his found his friend. "What's going on-" he broke off as he realized his friend was a sobbing mess.
Wolf fastened the straps of her Optimus Prime motorcycle helmet. "You know, Cloud, you really need to get a helmet," she said to the other blond as he only tugged on a pair of biker goggles.
"Nah," Cloud replied as he gunned his bike forward. As they weaved in traffic, Cloud questioned, "So where are we going?"
"Wal-Mart," Wolf responded with a little pep in her voice. It was tinged by anxiety, however, as she added, "I sure do hope they don't recognize me."
Cloud snorted. "They thought you guys were just the actors from Harry Potter who came to sign DVD copies...Who does that, anyways?"
"No one! That's why Wal-Mart is actually great...you can get away with everything there. And they sell slushies...But that's beside the point."
Minutes later, they pulled into Wal-Mart, and Cloud snagged a grocery cart as they headed inside. Like always, Wolf laughed at the automatic doors, and Cloud was unable to understand the humor.
There wasn't any. Wolf just liked to mess with people.
"The appliances are on the right hand side of the store," Wolf said as she hopped in the air, propelling the cart she was pushing with her momentum. She stopped to rummage through her backpack, tossing a pair of unusual looking gauntlets, her gi, and a Stitch plushie into the cart (Cloud's eyes widened as he recognized the furry blue alien. It was a little known story that Stitch had once interrupted a duel between Cloud and Sephiroth, and they both would occasionally experience shudders whenever they recalled it) before finally yanking out a shopping list.
She shoved everything else back into the shopping cart before fellow shoppers could notice them, and then she consulted her list. "Alright, we're getting you a cappuccino maker, an iPod, and a laptop...We can go to Best Buy for the laptop, but we can get everything else here." They only stopped to buy slushies from the Subway up front before going forth on their quest to become Pokemon masters!
No, I'm just screwing with you. They were just shopping. Nothing special. Gosh, it's like you guys expect a plot or something!
They browsed through the electronics, Cloud attempting to decide on what color iPod he wanted and Wolf bugging him to get yellow to match his hair. Slurping her obnoxiously blue slushie, Wolf took a break from her teasing to glance at the other customers. Plenty of them looked about as downright ridiculous as her and Cloud...which was saying a lot.
One guy had an enormous tattoo of Snow White running down his left arm. Another guy had green skin, and was with some blond chick Wolf thought she recognized. Then there was a lady at the register with hair that resembled a bag of Skittles-
Wolf spat out her slushie in horror as she shouted, "Xizor!"
The Falleen's head snapped up, and Wolf barely managed to duck behind a DVD display. "Cloud, we have a problem!" she hissed. Then she cringed guiltily as she noticed that her slushie had exploded all over Cloud's face, the sticky blue fluid covering his eyes, bangs, and cheeks.
He blinked the blue raspberry goodness out of his eyes as he replied, "Obviously, you just sprayed slushie in my face."
"Be glad I don't have herpes, you'd be handling a lot worse than matted bangs, seeing how a large portion of that was my spit - I'm getting off topic!" She pulled him behind the display and they both poked their heads out. "You see that guy? The one with green skin? That's Prince Xizor. And the chick next to him is-"
"Eowyn" Cloud interrupted. "Yeah, I know her. What about her?"
She sighed, realizing that she'd have to explain the Star Wars EU to an ignorant human being. "Prince Xizor is a crime lord who has a...thing against the Skywalkers. He's tried to kill Luke and/or get back at Anakin who knows how many times now. Anakin's got a thing for Eowyn right now...this is creepy."
"So basically, Eowyn's dating a crime lord who's going to use her until she outlives her usefulness, then kill her to get back at Anakin?" Wolf nodded. Cloud glared at Eowyn. "Dumb broad."
They sat down, no longer concealing themselves behind the DVDs, for Eowyn and Xizor were out of sight. "We need to stop him," said Wolf, her hero complex activating.
Cloud nodded in agreement, thinking of other perverted crime lords who previously needed stopping. "Fine, but I'm not cross dressing this-"
"What are you two doing?" Cloud and Wolf froxe, then slowly turned their faces upwards to look at Eowyn and her wonderful, amazing boyfriend.
"Looking for contacts?" Wolf offered lamely.
Xizor cocked his head sideways, as if trying to recall where he had seen Wolf, while Eowyn narrowed her eyes knowingly. "Wolf, neither of you wear contacts."
"I know, it's Sauron's contact. Duh. Funny, you'd think the flaming eye would just burn it..."
Cloud gave Xizor the once-over. Xizor did the same. "Prince Xizor."
Eowyn looked at Xizor amazedly. "You know him?"
"Not personally," Xizor replied. He smiled. "But he's quite famous...I heard he even has a wing now..."
Cloud exhaled deeply, trying to control himself as him and Wolf stood up. He took a step away from Xizor. "That's none of your business."
"Eowyn..." Wolf's eyes were wide as she contemplated her next actions. She finally decided that being blunt was the best option as she simply said, "Dumb broad."
Cloud nodded in agreement.
Outraged, Eowyn shouted, "What the Force was that for?"
Wolf pointed an accusatory finger at Xizor. "You're on a date with a crime lord. What else would that be for?"
Xizor's eyes widened. "Crime lord? Please. Those days are behind me."
"Once a pervert, always a pervert," Cloud muttered sagely.
"Yeah, what he said," Wolf said, rubbing her imaginary beard. "Or rather, once a fish. Always. A. Fish."
Eowyn glared icy daggers of fury at them both. "I'm pretty sure I'm capable of looking after myself, thank you very much. And anyhow, why would I listen to either of you? No offense, Cloud, Wolf," she laced Wolf's name with her anger. "but you're mentally unstable, both of you! Cloud, you hear voices in your head, rant about the darkness in your heart and Sephiroth, occasionally get possessed, and impersonate dead people! And Wolf, you always convince people to participate in crazy schemes that never work out, you show masochistic and suicidal tendencies, you also hear voices in your head, and your personality rapidly changes without warning!" She gave a huff and crossed her arms.
Cloud clenched his fists, clearly irritated by Eowyn's insults. Wolf sighed and went into deep thought. Never a good thing. Eowyn had a point: Why listen to the mansion's two most demented occupants? She'd never believe them about Xizor. And another thing...someone was helping Xizor...someone who probably wanted to screw with the other occupants of the mansion. Right now, one particular face was coming to mind... "Forget it. Have fun, you crazy kids!" Wolf said. She practically had to drag Cloud by the ear to get him away from Xizor.
"We could've beaten him easily, Wolf!" Cloud snarled uncharacteristically, though it was justified if you knew that Cloud's previous experiences with crime lords involved his two closest female friends nearly getting said crime lord's lackeys forced on them. Oh yeah, and he had cross dressed, and he had been hit on by the crime lord himself. Cloud never wanted to be called "pussycat" again.
"I know, Cloud, but we have no proof! Eowyn has no idea about Xizor trying to kill Anakin and Luke...or if she does, then Xizor gave her a story on how he turned a new leaf. And who knows, maybe he did! ...Which is doubtful. It's not easy being green, which is why you see so many green villains. The Wicked Witch of the West, Xizor, the Green Goblin in Ultimate Spider-Man, The Green Giant...The point is, we're going to follow him. But first, I have to make a phone call."
Anakin was very put off when he noticed the kitchen had another occupant, one of much lower standing of him. "What are YOU doing here?" Anakin managed to choke out.
Palpatine glanced up at Anakin, temporarily averting his attention from his pint of Ben and Jerry's Pistachio Pistachio ice cream. However, he didn't even spit out a word before he burst into wails of anguish, tears spilling all over his Glee T-shirt and Spongebob pajama pants. "L-like you care, Skywalker!"
Anakin shuffled over to the fridge and pulled out his own pint (Cherry Garcia, his favorite), only to realize it was gone. He shot a pitiful glare at the corner where, unsurprisingly, Crimson Tyde was sulking with the stolen pint. However, she managed to snap out of her angst long enough to say, "Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, I stole your ice cream, and your angst is making you lose your youth."
Anakin gawked at the spike-clad Mary Sue for a long time. "That poem sucked."
Crimson Tyde sniffed. "Nonsense. I am perfect. And that makes me EVIL! Woe! O, woe is me! O, woe is me-"
"There she goes again," Palpatine groaned, bashing his head against the table. "All that one does is wangst! Honestly, I preferred the bimbo ones who only obsessed over men!"
Anakin took a seat at the table. "Tell me about it."
"Oh, thanks for listening, Skywalker, that's actually quite-"
"On second thought, don't tell me about it!" Anakin moaned with displeasure as he proceeded to facepalm. "The girl I've liked for months is dating some other guy, my friends are busy, my ice cream's been stolen, and I'm stuck in a kitchen with you and Tyde!"
Crimson Tyde flipped him the bird before going off on another tirade about her woes. Palpatine just gave him what was a Sith Lord's attempt at a comforting hand pat. To Anakin, it was just downright creepy. "At least all your bank accounts haven't been frozen. And at least you still have friends! Voldemort and Sauron aren't talking to me, they believe I'm too sane to be evil. And the Shredder was never taken by this place at all, so he still looks out for number one and number one only."
They looked at other and simultaneously thought and said the same thing.
Fuchsia had just been on an epic kill streak in the middle of a heavy session of Black Ops when her cell phone rang, getting her shot to a rated-M death. So, naturally, she was ticked off as she answered the phone with her usual, "What?" Granted, she was almost always ticked off, but...Hey, that's Darth Fuchsia.
"MEL, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" Wolf's raised voice blasted Fuchsia's eardrums, and she had to hold the phone a distance away from her ear to save her from deafness. "FIRST YOU DECIDE TO 'EXPERIMENT' BY SWITCHING FROM PALPATINE TO THE SHREDDER AND VARIOUS OTHER VILLAINS, BUT NOW YOU HAD TO LET XIZOR GO? HOW COULD YOU?!"
"I'M NOT DONE YET! YOU SPENT ALL THAT TIME TRYING TO REGAIN MY TRUST AFTERWARDS JUST SO NOW YOU COULD GET INTO THAT TANK AND ALLOW CRIME LORD CASANOVA TO ESCAPE-"
"Wolf, can I just say-"
"LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NO-"
"Wolf, can I see the phone?" the second voice was much quieter and less irate. Apparently Wolf had the speaker phone on.
Fuchsia could only surmise that Cloud broke Wolf out of her stupor, because Goldilocks responded with a nonchalant, "Sure."
"Thanks," There was a shuffling nose as Cloud took the phone for himself and spoke, "Did you let Prince Xizor out of the fish tank?"
"What the heck are you guys talking about?" she queried.
"She's innocent," Cloud murmured.
"...Yep." And the line went dead.
"Freaking nutjobs," Fuchsia muttered darkly as she started up her Xbox again.
Wolf ate another piece of dried pineapple as she pressed the binoculars tighter to her face, spying on the unlikely couple of Xizor and Eowyn. Xizowyn! Bleurgh, that sounded terrible.
Unfortunately, Wolf and Cloud only had one pair of binoculars between them, so they were switching off. "They're looking at their menus, Wolf," Cloud murmured to his fellow wannabe detective. "Pass the Goldfish."
"Good old fishy crackers," Wolf sighed contentedly as she passed said munchies. Then her expression darkened. "Speaking of fish, you don't think he'd poison Eowyn's drink, do you? Or put roofies in it?"
Cloud glanced up from the binoculars and blinked. "What are roofies?"
Wolf shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure what they are, but I know what they're used for, and it's definitely something the lizard would do...Or maybe he has iocane powder! She'll never know because he built up an immunity!"
Cloud shrugged and decided to remain quiet. He yanked out a Wal-Mart bag from a compartment on his Fenrir bike, going through it until he found what he was looking for. "Twizzler?" he queried, offering Wolf the bag.
Wolf narrowed her eyes, examining the contents. "What kind-"
"Pull and Peel. The rest of them suck." Wolf grinned as she nodded in one hundred percent agreement and snatched a couple Twizzlers of her own. He also handed her the binoculars. "Any ideas?"
Wolf shrugged. "If they order a whole roast pig, we could always bribe the chefs to replace it with a cadaver..." Upon seeing Cloud's horrified look, she raised her hands in surrender. "I'm kidding! Gosh, I can't believe you actually took me seriously!"
Cloud took back the binoculars, giving her a speculative look. "You're unpredictable. I wasn't sure what you'd actually do."
Wolf sighed in defeat. "Yeah, I guess I've been becoming that. You, you're pretty predictable. Kill Sephiroth, save girls from crime lords, be either a douche or awfully shy."
"I am not shy!" Cloud growled.
"Guess you're not," said Wolf before dropping the topic entirely, not wanting to argue for even a minute. When analyzing the situation, she realized it just wasn't worth it. "You know what we should do?"
"Hmm?" Cloud decided to humor her.
"We should just drop this and just drive! Just drive until we reach the ocean! And - and then we could set up shop there are get really, really fat! Sephiroth and Palpatine and everyone wouldn't bother with us if we got fat, we wouldn't be worth the effort!"
Cloud's eyes glazed over as he became lost in that dream. "We could build an ice cream shop...I like sea-salt ice cream..."
"And then," Wolf continued on her inspirational rant, loving this idea more and more with every word, despite losing her physical fitness being one of her worst fears, "we'll join the circus! Since you're a video game character, our act could be some kind of pun..."
Cloud was clamping back up again, but he added one last suggestion, "Final Fat-assy?"
Then it was silent again as they observed, until Xizor vanished from sight, heading presumably to the bathroom with his cell phone. Minutes later, he reappeared, and this time with a bottle of either wine or champagne.
"I think they're only having one glass each," Cloud muttered, jolting Wolf out of a tired daze. She had been nodding off before, but now she was interested.
"Like I said, I bet there's something in it this time. Let's see what the plot twist of the alcohol sequel is! Teenage Mutant Ninja Xizor II: The Secret of the Booze...I need to stop the obscure pop culture references..." She leaned forwards, waiting for Cloud to say something else.
She began to fall asleep again, but then Cloud's cry of, "I don't believe it!" caused her to fall of her perch on his bike and faceplant in the dirt.
"What? Did he put poison in her drink?" Alarm raged through Wolf, and she yanked out her backpack to grab those gauntlets of hers.
"No, he didn't pay the tip! Cheap douche bag. There's a night club next door, I think they're heading there." Wolf nodded at this, but left her gauntlets on.
Cloud handed Wolf the binoculars and ducked down by the back of his bike, popping back up moments later with Wolf's backpack. "Here."
"Thanks," Wolf said with a grin as she returned the binoculars to Cloud. She pulled out her iPod and a pair of sky blue speakers. "If they're just going to hide in a night club, far away from windows, might as well listen to some music..." She flipped through her tunes, happily humming some instrumental piece to herself as she did so.
Then it appeared on her playlist, it only being one of the greatest songs of all time. Cloud shot her an incredulous look as he queried, "Did you know this is my favorite song?"
Wolf failed to respond, totally immersed in the glorious melody. "Is this the real life?" she serenaded.
"Is this just fantasy?" Cloud continued.
"Caught in a laaaaaandslide, no escape from reality..."
Eowyn giggled as Xizor piped up with yet another witty comment. With one arm coiled around her shoulder, the Faleen was guiding his pretty date out of the establishment to return to the car. "This is a wonderful night, isn't it?" he said, the street lamps illuminating her stunning features.
Eowyn smiled up at him. "Oh, yes, definitely one of the best I've had since..." Pausing, she frowned and glanced around, scanning the lot. "Do you hear something?"
Only a little bit concerned, Xizor also listened... "I think it's coming from behind those bushes."
They crept closer and closer, Eowyn sincerely wishing she had her beloved sword on hand. Finally, they were able to make out words.
"I see a little silhouetto of a man-"
"SCARAMOUCHE! SCARAMOUCHE! CAN YOU DO THE FANDANGO!?"
She KNEW those voices. What the heck were they doing here?
Xizor appeared to recognize at least one voice as well. Eowyn briefly pondered why that would be, but she dismissed that train of thought.
"THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTNING, REALLY REALLY FRIGHTENING ME!"
Xizor spread the bus branches apart, revealing the two blonds hidden, leaning against a bulky black motorcycle and singing without a care in the world. Once they realized they had an audience, Cloud flushed a deep shade of pink and Wolf bit her lip so hard that little droplets of blood oozed out. "Oh, hi there..."
"WHY WERE YOU TWO SPYING ON ME?!" the shieldmaiden roared in fury. Beside her, Xizor winced but made no comment.
Wolf immediately leaped to the point of things. "Your date's a criminal manwhore!"
Cloud shrugged. "I was bored, and he sounded like another douche I once knew-"
"THAT'S NO EXCUSE!" said Eowyn, clenching her fist and punching Cloud in the gut.
He doubled over and grunted in agony. "And your punch reminds me of a girl I know, too..."
She swiveled to deck Wolf as well, but the other girl raised an arm to intercept the blow. Eowyn winced as her arm collided with Wolf's metal prosthetic. "Hey, I'm just saying, he's a lethal assassin who tried to kill Luke."
"You're lying!" Realizing that arguing with the stubborn Wolf would be futile, Eowyn huffed and picked up her purse. "Come on, Xizor, let's leave these two." She stalked off into the bushes.
Xizor, however, did not leave immediately. "Stay out of this. I'm warning you two."
Wolf curled her lip, eyes narrowed in anger. "We're onto you. You're plotting something..."
Xizor raised an eyebrow. "You don't say? Well, gotta run. See you later, Chocobo Head, pipsqueak!"
He darted off after his date before Wolf could even respond, though everyone within a three point two mile radius could hear Wolf's indignant roar of, "WHO'RE YOU CALLING A PIPSQUEAK!"
On the ground, Cloud continued to roll in agony. "Galileo...I think I have some internal bleeding."
I just wanted to get this out here so I'd be forced to continue, pressured by you guys...The only OC's who will be in the remainder of this story are myself, Nemesis, Melinda, Myst, Crimson Tyde, and maybe Blaze if she's interested.
The plot is planned!