Disclaimer:Don't own Titus except all 3 seasons on DVD.
Author's Note:Titus is one of my favorite shows. This is my first Titus fan fiction so please be gentle with reviews.
"Family. It's supposed to be a time of happiness and fun. But let's face it you only see that on Leave it to Beaver. When Titus's get together it's for humiliation and pain. On another family member." Titus finished
"Still don't have a boyfriend?" Ken Titus asked his niece. "What are you a lesbian?"
"Ken Titus always called it like it is. Either you're a wussy or gay. My cousin Cassie Titus stopped coming to family gatherings after that. Can you blame her? I still keep in touch with her once every couple of months. She got the better end of the deal. She doesn't have to see dad everyday. Lucky bitch." Titus finished.
"Christopher what is it?" Cassie asked at the jail.
"It's dad. He had a heart attack." Titus said.
"Is he dead?" She asked hopefully.
"That's what everyone asked when I told them." Titus said.
"No. That mean bitter old man is still alive." Titus said.
"Titus your father is lying in a hospital bed." Tommy said. "My Cassie you look beautiful as I remember you."
Cassie looked at Titus.
"My best friend Tommy had a crush on Cassie from the first time he met her. The only problem was she was in 8th grade at the time and we were seniors."
"What's that your working on?" Tommy asked as Cassie sat at the table.
"My homework," She said not looking at him.
"You know I'm good at math." He said.
"Dad please don't take my weed!" 18 year old Titus begged with his long hair. "I'll get another wedge."
"Why can't you do you homework like this wussy?" Ken asked pointing at Cassie.
"You actually don't have a beer in your mouth to say that?" Cassie shot back.
"My cousin Cassie is fierce. The only Titus to stand up to Ken even though she was the youngest. Made all of us guys look like wussy's. That's why whenever there was a problem we paid her money to be with us when we got in trouble."
"Please! We need you when dad comes to bail us out," 18 year old Titus begged behind bars.
"Thanks to you I already have half of my tuition for college." Cassie said.
"You can find the money in Titus's underwear drawer." Dave said.
Cassie grimaced and Titus slapped Dave upside the head.
"How'd you end up in jail then?" Cassie asked.
"Dad had Titus arrested. Blamed him for his heart attack." Dave said.
"DAVE!" Titus said hitting him in the back of his head.
"It wasn't your fault was it?" Cassie asked.
"Well-" Tommy began .
"Tommy! It doesn't matter how he got it." Titus said.
"Because you gave it to him." Dave said.
"How can you end up in jail for someone's heart attack?" Cassie asked.
"It doesn't matter. Can you just bail us out before Erin finds out?" Titus begged.
"Thanks to Cassie there's so much stuff that Erin doesn't know about. Like the time I bought a wolf dog and it ate Erin's cat."
"You let it eat Erin's cat?" Cassie said shocked.
"She doesn't have to know." Titus said.
"Christopher have you seen my cat?" Erin asked walking in the room.
"But as you know Erin found out when I couldn't keep the dog a secret anymore."
"Christopher aren't you a little old to be still lying to Erin?" Cassie asked.
"He's still scared of dad too." Dave said.
"Say's the guy who lives with him." Christopher said giving him the evil eye.
"How was your night?" Ken asked.
"Uncle Ken you can't keep them locked up." Cassie said.
"Oh excuse me. I forgot you defend wussy's!" Ken said.
"Dad was right on that one." Titus said sheepishly.
"Help I'm getting beat up by a girl!" Tommy said.
Titus and Dave were laughing.
"Why don't you fight someone your own size tramp." Cassie said kicking the girl between her legs.
"Uncle Ken drop the charges." Cassie warned.
"I'll tell that cop about all your unpaid parking tickets!"
"BURN!" Dave said.
"You wouldn't," Ken said.
"Try me- WUSSY!" Cassie sneered.
Tommy and Titus gasped.
Ken looked liked he was about to explode.
"Fine. I'll drop the charges."
"Titus I love you but you need to be a man for once." Cassie said.
"That was a good one." Ken said laughing.
"Why didn't you tell me you were in jail?" Erin asked as a cop released Titus, Tommy and Dave.
"Again boy I always come out on top." Ken said laughing. "Be a man!" He said leaving.
"Christopher how many times is it now that you've been arrested?" Erin asked.
Titus looked confused. "I lost count."
"32 times." A cop said.
"Thank you." Titus said. "You know how dad gets. If he's angry with his kids he locks them up."
"If it wasn't for Cassie I wouldn't have known." Erin said.
Titus looked at Cassie. "You told her?"
"She was going to find out eventually. No one in our family can keep a secret for long." She said defensively.
"She's right Titus." Tommy said.
"Quit being a suck up Tommy!" Titus said. "She is never going to go out with you."
"Don't turn this around on Tommy." Erin said. "We're in a relationship. We have to trust each other."
"I know but it's hard." Titus said. "You know I'm afraid I'm going to end up like dad."
"Christopher I'm going to love you no matter what." Erin said. "Not if you cheat on me though."
"Good enough." Titus said.
"I love my cousin. She's always been there for me when I needed her. I just hope one day I can return the favor." Titus said.
"Nobody move! I have a bomb!" A crazy guy said wearing a bomb vest.
"If we don't end up dead," He said turning of the light.
To be continued….
Author's Note: Should I continue? Let me know if you like it so far.
Here are some of my favorite episodes:
DAVE MOVES OUT
MOM'S NOT NUTS
THE SURPRISE PARTY
WHAT'S UP HOLLYWOOD?
LOCKING UP MOM
INSANITY GENETIC (PART 1)
INTO THIN AIR