Does this spoof seem at all familiar to anyone? XD Just a typical Monday in front of your t.v. This is written with a lot of sarcasm in mind towards a lot of the going ons' with Raw lately. I'm dedicating it to Nef cause she'll get what I mean. Hope the rest of you do too. XD
Rawtropolis: A Monday Night
It was another Monday night in the bustling city of Rawtropolis. On the outskirts of town in a weathered farm house, a not so ordinary man was readying for the start of another work week. He pulled on his jean shorts and t-shirt, followed by arm bands, cap, and sneakers--his disguise from his true identity—he now appeared to be no more than a mild mannered thug. John Cena went down stairs and said his goodbyes to his adoptive mother and father (yes he still lived with them) Vincent and Linda. The two of them had been so good to the 'unique' boy, having found him under a rock as a bouncing baby and raised him to the man he now was. Perhaps they should have left him under the rock where they'd found him, or at least that's what some may have thought.
John made it through the morning commute and found himself walking towards the recording studio where he would begin laying down some lines for his new rap album. Just as he opened the door to walk inside, a piercing scream from far away met his super-sensitive ears and he whipped around, finding the direction of the scream.
As quickly as he could, John Cena found a phone booth and ducked inside. He pulled on the door, attempting to shut it, but it was clearly jammed.
"Aw, poopie." He muttered as he yanked on the thing. Surely he couldn't be expected to change his clothes in a shoddy phone booth? Well, he didn't have time. John rushed out of the phone booth and flung his cap from his head. It knocked out a little old lady pushing a walker. He didn't have time to take notice, and ran on, peeling away his shirt as he went and tossing it to the side, and replacing it with a red cape. He stopped long enough to hobble into a pair of underwear that matched the color of the cape—which he wore on the outside of his jean shorts. (Very fashionable) Now, he was transformed! SUPERCENA!
Across town, millionaire Hunter Hearst Helmsley was waking up—next to his partner Shawn Michaels who was curled into a little ball like a kitten. Hunter smiled and stroked his fingers through the golden hair that laid over Shawns' bare back. The smaller man twitched, squirming, and then woke up, batting at Hunters hand with a stream of sleepy giggles.
"Wake up angel." Hunter cooed.
"Immawake." Shawn muttered, his voice still gruff with sleep. They both went around the room, beginning to get dressed, when Hunter stopped suddenly, his nose in the air, alert like a blood hound with a sudden scent of spilled crimson on the air.
"My Nosesenses!" Hunter cried. He ran to the window and ducked out, seeing a light against the sky, the resulting shape a giant bat against the sky. "Shawn, to the Nosecave!"
Hunter and Shawn both rushed to the secret entrance behind the bookshelf in the study. (I know, very original secret entrance, right?) They ducked into the dungeon like basement that was under Hearst manor and scampered around, doing recluse superhero type things, messing with giant computers, having donuts, and finally slipping into their gear. Hunter wore a cowl, cape, utility belt, and hockey pads all in the color of midnight. He leaned back against the Nosemobile and watching as Shawn struggled with his costume: a red and green outfit with a golden colored cape.
"Hunter!" Shawn shouted, picking his tights out of his ass as he came towards his laughing partner. "When do I get a new costume? This makes me look like a flaming Christmas ornament!"
"Baby, I don't think we can change the 'flaming' part…that's all natural." Shawn shot the taller man a glare at the comment. "But we could change the red-and-green color scheme. Maybe something like…black and lime." Hunter considered, before ducking into the Nosemobile.
"Now, wait. Before we pull out of here I have a couple more questions!" Shawn said, as Hunter slammed on the brakes.
"First of all, Nosesenses? You're confusing your comic book characters, Spiderman is the one with the alert senses—Spideysense? Doesn't everyone know that? Oh, and my other question…why is all of your stuff bat-related yet you're called 'Noseman'? Wouldn't the obvious choice be Batman?"
Hunter blinked at Shawn, and patted him on the head.
"Gimmick infringement, my dear Shawn. Just don't worry about it. Thinking too much will cause you to start balding again."
"HOLY HAMHOCKS NOSEMAN--I AM NOT BALDI--"
"Here, baby, have a cookie."
Shawn took the cookie and nibbled on it happily as Hunter Hearst Helmsley—otherwise known as Noseman—sped his very conspicuous car out of the Nosecave and onto the streets of Rawtropolis.
OrtonCorp. was a scientific research facility situated on the darker side of Rawtropolis, and owned by an evil looking bald genius named Randy Orton. It was here beneath his seemingly harmless research facility where he dreamed up ways to destroy his archrival SuperCena. He hadn't came up with anything really sufficient yet, and so he just spent most of his time brooding and trying to discern the voices in his head. When he wasn't doing that he usually called in the head of his security—Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes—for a romp.
Tonight however, he was doing none of that. Bored with the usual humdrum of things, he'd decided to build a super-subatomic-halogen-estrogen-testosterone-nuclear-combusting-frosting-filled-laser-weapon that would destroy the whole city of Rawtropolis. Just for fun, he had also kidnapped a random chick off the street to use as a hostage atop the heights of OrtonCorp letting her scream until his archrival SuperCena showed up. Then, he planned to dispatch his thuggish rival, and maybe even tie him up and make out with him first…or worse. The screeches that were currently killing his eardrums would even be worth it to know that SuperCena was finally done with for good.
Sure enough, Randy could see SuperCena standing at the base of OrtonCorp, his chiseled face upturned and glaring hotly.
"Come and get me, SuperCena!" Orton growled, dangling the woman over the ledge.
He squinted down at SuperCena, waiting, and ready to drop the screaming woman at any moment and then push the button on the weapon with the really long name that would evaporate the whole city.
Down at the bottom of the building, a crowd had gathered, watching the scene play out. SuperCena was beginning to panic, and whipped out his cell phone.
"Where are you guys!" He hollered into the phone.
"We're coming!" Shawn called back. "Have you seen the traffic lately? HOLY VAGINA NOSEMAN! It's a bitch!"
SuperCena hung up the phone and shuffled from foot to foot, watching as the woman hung precariously from Randys' grip, and the weapon became aglow with little lights, showing its warm-up for destruction.
"Come and get me, come and face me like a man!" Randy called down.
"Why don't you come down here instead, it's much less…HIGH!" SuperCena called, his hands cupped around his mouth.
Suddenly, people in the crowd began to gasp and mutter, looking upwards and pointing.
"Look, up in the sky!"
"It's a bird!"
"It's a plane!"
"IT'S A FROG!"
"A frog?!" The whole crowd questioned in unison.
SuperCena even looked up too, and sure enough up in the sky was a small, flying, object. The flying thing did a few flips and fancy tricks as it descended, and stood proudly with his hands at his waist, a huge smile plastered onto his face.
"Theeeeeeeeeeeeres no need to fear, Evunderdog is here!"
The kid was decked out in an absurd red sweater with a huge 'E' on it and the trademark cape of a superhero, a small black mask covering his eyes.
"Um, look kid…" SuperCena said lowly, wrapping his muscled arm around Evunderdogs shoulders. "This is MY territory. We don't need any newbies around here trying to shove us vets out of the way. Get it? I can handle this myself."
The boys ever smiling face fell into a frown.
"But, I'm high-flying! Have you seen my moves? I can do all kinds of cool things and I could destroy Orton for good! Then I could have a title run as Rawtropolis's new biggest and brightest superhero!" The kid exclaimed.
"Um, no. Just go on and eat your Cap'nCrunch or something with your little plastic spoon that changes color in milk."
"But…but I…I wanna be important!"
A familiar voice cut in with a laugh.
"Just give him a dwarf and a Jamaican to play with, he'll be okay." SuperCena turned to see Noseman had spoken, next to him his loyal companion HeartRobbin'. (His superhero name was HeartRobbin' because he was known for robbing the hearts of ladies and gents everywhere.)
Sulkily, Evunderdog slinked away, wondering if the writers would make him job to the PowerPuff Girls next time.
"What took you so long?!" SuperCena asked, slapping Nosemans' chest heartily.
"We couldn't find a good parking space and Noseman refused to pay the fee to park in a parking garage." HeartRobbin' spoke up.
"So, what did you do with the Nosemobile?"
"We parked it at Wal-Mart and walked here." Noseman explained, waggling his cape dramatically.
"Hey, you idiots!" A diabolical voice called from the top of OrtonCorp. "I'm still up here, ready to drop these stupid bitches!"
"When da pimps in da crib ma--Drop it like it's hot—drop it like it's hot!" HeartRobbin' started to sing, dancing.
"Dancing makes you bald."
"I'M NOT BALD!"
HeartRobbin' stomped his foot. SuperCena shook his head and produced a cookie from his tights and handed it to HeartRobbin'.
"Why haven't you taken care of him yet?" Noseman grumbled, looking up at the smooth head of the crazy villain atop the building, as he terrorized the poor woman and pressed buttons on a scary looking machine.
"I…um…I'm afraid of heights." SuperCena managed out, his eyes shifty, his voice low. "Haven't you ever wondered why I don't do any highflying?"
Noseman shook his head, and turned to HeartRobbin'.
"Come on, let's grapple."
HeartRobbin' looked shocked.
"HOLY CONDOMS NOSEMAN! Not in public!"
"NOT THAT!" Noseman slapped himself in the forehead. "I mean we need to climb up the side of the building and get Orton!"
HeartRobbin' blinked at his partner.
"Wouldn't it be easier if we just used the elevator?"
"HA!" Noseman ran towards Orton. "I've got you now! I don't have any REAL superpowers but I CAN BEAT YOU UP! AND I HAVE A SEXY SIDEKICK!"
"Actually, Noseman, I'm more of a Superkick really, than a sidekick." HeartRobbin' spoke up.
Orton let the woman go and she scurried towards the door that would take her back into the safety of the building and ducked in. The crazy voice-hearing man strode forwards, glaring manically from under his brow.
"Hm…I'd rather take on SuperCena my archrival than you two losers."
"What about us?" A low, monotone, venomous voice spat. The three of them turned to see a short, stumpy, Canadian and a huge bald man in spandex. "We want in." The shorter one said, puckering his face into a scowl. "We are the best in the world at what we do."
"And um, who are you?" Noseman asked, momentarily forgetting about Orton.
"We're the Incredible Bulk." The huge man spoke up, his voice deep and rumbling.
"Yeah." The short one said with a lopsided smirk hanging cockily from his face. "I'm Incredible, and he's the Bulk." He pointed first to himself, and then to the massive man behind him.
"So, wait wait wait—let me get this right." HeartRobbin' cut in. "So, you—blondie--throw temper tantrums, and he turns green and beats the shit out of people?"
"That's right." The big man nodded.
"HOLY NOT SO SUBLIMINAL HOMOSEXUAL OVERTONES NOSEMAN!" HeartRobbin' shouted. "WHO WRITES THIS?!"
"Meh, we don't need you. Go gel your hair, or in your case…" Noseman flicked his wrist at the big one. "Lack thereof."
"Hey, I'm not gonna take being insulted!" The big guy fumed, jabbing his finger indignantly. The little one stepped up to Noseman, tilting his face to glare into his eyes.
"Yeah, and I'm not gonna take it either. BULK—SMASH!" The blond yelled.
"Um, would you change your mind for some cookies?" HeartRobbin' asked humbly offering a couple of half-nibbled cookies.
"Ooh…please Incredible?!" The Bulk asked, folding his hands together and pasting a big smile onto his face.
"They offered the cookies to me. Besides…my metabolism is higher than yours, I won't get fat." The shorter one with the bad dye job plucked the cookies from the hands of HeartRobbin'.
"Well, don't expect me to carry you on my shoulders anymore!" The Bulk huffed. "Even my wide shoulders won't accommodate that ass you're growing back there."
Incredible narrowed his eyes as he nibbled the cookies.
"You are SO sleeping on the couch tonight!" He barked, trotting away. After a moment, the Bulk sorrowfully ducked his head and trotted after, following Incredible off the roof of the building, and pleading for his forgiveness.
"So anyway…where were we?" Noseman asked, cocking his head at Orton.
"To the NOSECAVE!" HeartRobbin' shouted. "I um, mean TO THE ELEVATOR!"
Noseman dragged Orton and HeartRobbin' off the roof of OrtonCorp and back into the building, towards the elevator.
*More Elevator Music that sounds like the theme to The Cosby Show*
"SuperCena!" Orton cried as he darted towards said hero.
The two of them began to scuffle, the crowd began to chant, cheering on their symbol of truth and justice. Noseman and HeartRobbin' stood on the sidelines watching for a while, as SuperCena began to get worn down by Orton the mad-bald-Lex Luthor-like-evil-genius-demented-rival.
"A little help here!" Cena called, as Orton stalked him and slithered across the ground, seeming to hump it, as though sexually enamored with it.
"HOLY BONERS NOSEMAN!" HeartRobbin' shouted. "SUPERCENA NEEDS US!"
Noseman and HeartRobbin' came to aid their comrade and the three of them gained and upper hand on Orton, nearly having him beat when—
The crowd began to boo, as out from the glass doors Cody Rhodes came running, one of Ortons' security chiefs. He stopped momentarily, turning on his heel, when he noted his partner security chief Ted DiBiase had not followed him out. He ran back towards the revolving doors, seeing Ted stuck in them and pathetically crying for help. Cody managed to get him out, and once again they made their way towards their boss who was writhing on the ground as though having a powerful orgasm.
Cody and Ted scrapped with Noseman and HeartRobbin' as SuperCena seemed to get a new wind, suddenly bursting to life! (Must be the power of our yellow sun!) SuperCena ran around pandering to the crowd as the burst into cheers. Just as he was about to land his signature move that involves waving his hand in front of his face and somehow thinking it makes him invisible—Cody and Ted pulled Orton away and dragged him back towards the building.
"I'M NOT THROUGH WITH YOU!" Orton yelled, as SuperCena folded his hands over his chest and pressed his lips together smugly. The crowd gathered in the streets cheered like wild things, as though they had not all seen the same rivalry played out again and again and again.
SuperCena walked towards Noseman and HeartRobbin' as the crowd dispearesed.
"Great job guys." He said, shaking both their hands.
"Yeah, I've really worked up an appetite." Noseman said, searching for more cookies, but finding none.
"Let's go grab some wings." SuperCena suggested, clapping HeartRobbin' on the back.
And so, for one more night, we the good people of Rawtropolis have been saved! Or…have we?