A Not-So-Modest Proposal


by Ashurato

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- Chapter One -

- Of Perverts -

A brown-haired, amber-eyed boy collapsed upon his computer chair and laid his weary head against the cool, dark wood of his desk. It was a day that tried even his infinite patience and boundless capacity to take gratuitous amounts of torture. It was a day he wished he could erase from his memory.

It was the day he would have been happier to not have lived.

It was the day that the homos finally found him.

He looked up at his computer screen and steeled his resolve. He would find an answer to his problems and after searching self-help forums for hours, he finally settled on this one.

Tuna Fish: [Hello everyone. This is the first time I have ever written anything here, but it's come to a point that I really need some help. I'm just a normal 20-year old undergraduate student of Vongola Daigaku, perhaps a little smaller and slower than most individuals, but I never thought this could happen to me.]

Tuna Fish: [Until today... when I met the bane of my existence.]


"Juudaime! Please allow me to escort you home today!" implored the silver-haired Gokudera Hayato with an unnaturally wide smile on his face. He was a transfer student from Italy with a staggeringly high IQ and a temper that rivaled the flames of hell. But this gifted bad boy's wildcat tendencies were somewhat tempered into dogged infatuation with a fated meeting with destiny.

Destiny's name was Sawada Tsunayoshi, also an undergraduate student in Business Administration in Vongola Daigaku and despite his refusals, the next in line as the proud institution's Tenth Chairman. He was neither too smart nor overly charismatic, but he had a profound intuition and an uncanny talent for drawing people to him. Unfortunately, this talent drew ALL people to him. "Umm… I was thinking of just taking the train home today, Gokudera-kun."

"It's of no consequence to me, Juudaime! A twenty-mile walk home is nothing compared to your safety—" Gokudera's tirade was cut off when he tripped over a conveniently placed wire trap. As he fell, a tough mesh net hoisted him up ten feet into the air. "Wha-what the hell is this?"

Tsuna immediately rushed forward to help his friend, but something he saw out of the corner of his eye stopped him dead on his tracks. He slowly backed away from the trapped Gokudera when he realized that Hibari Kyoya, head of the Disciplinary Committee and heir to one of the largest security companies in Japan, was very quickly and purposefully stalking towards them. "Herbivores."

"Get me down from here! I have to go—"

"--straight to the Disciplinary Committee's office for a little chat. Smoking on school grounds is against the rules," said Hibari with an icy tone. "Just like loitering."

Tsuna glanced between the two individuals, torn between helping his friend and the instinct of self-preservation. But before he could do the smart thing, his mouth had already opened and words started to take form. "But Gokudera-kun wasn't…"

Hibari whipped out a picture from inside his shirt of Gokudera smoking and leaning on the school gates. It looked to be one of those snapshots of the school's idols that were currently being sold by amateur photographers in the school to make a quick buck. "I confiscated this from a female student this morning. Now will you be a good boy and walk yourself or continue to act like the trash you smoke and be dragged? But if you ask me, I would much prefer the latter."

"I was finished with classes and waiting for Juudaime at the gates!"

"This snapshot was taken when school was still in session. You walked out of class that day and your feet were still on school property. MY rules still applied to you," reprimanded Hibari with a slight upturning of his lip. He leaped up and with a strong blow from his tonfa, cut the rope that suspended the net and his captive.

Gokudera landed on the ground with a loud thump and a groan of pain. But he did not have much time to regain his bearings before Hibari began dragging him away. "Juudaime! Please excuse me for today while I clear up this gross misunderstanding! I will see you soon!"

Tsuna raised a hand in stunned farewell as he watch the pitying—yet strangely comedic—scene before him. He made to turn around and leave, but he saw another piece of paper fly out from Hibari's shirt pockets to land in front of him. "What is this?'

The alarms blared loudly in warning inside his head, but against the warning bells, he turned around what appeared to be a picture. As he looked more closely at the image, he almost dropped it as if it had caught on fire. All it took was a split second for his eyes to bulge out and his jaw to drop when he saw the subject of the photograph. He was faced with a picture of himself, tie askew and reading glasses perilously close to falling off his sleeping face. He was sitting on one of the window seats in the Chairman's office with his books and notes strewn in disarray about him. The orange-tinged light told that it was nearly twilight when the picture was taken.

"But there's nothing against the rules with me being in the Chairman's office after house. Why would Hibari-san…?" Tsuna looked down and noticed tiny text in the white space framing the picture.

- Tsunayoshi Sawada -

- Limited Edition : #18 out of 100 -

Tsuna swiftly jammed the picture into his bag with a horrified glance at his surroundings. Although he felt flattered that the school paparazzi would be interested enough in him to take and sell his photographs, it came as a shock that anyone would be interested in him enough to purchase them. Their ability to infiltrate even the most secure locations in the school terrified him.

But as he tore off towards the station, two thoughts ran rampant through his mind.

Why did Hibari-san have one… and…

Where were the other ninety-nine?


Tsuna gave a sigh of relief as he took his seat on the train. Although they weren't the most comfortable methods of travel and his tutors preferred for him to travel through safer means, Tsuna still liked taking the train in the afternoon when it wasn't so crowded.

He took out the manual that Reborn, his teenage sadist of a tutor, was going to quiz him on when he got home and leisurely began to read. He was already prepared that no matter how thoroughly he studied the material, Reborn would question him on things completely unrelated in order to get the pleasure of torturing him.

But Tsuna's concentration was short-lived, broken when he felt someone's stare unabashedly targeting him. He looked up from the manual to momentarily lock his amber eyes with a rare heterochromatic pair of red and blue before the shuffling of riders entering the cabin put it out of his mind.

He licked his finger to turn the page, but he felt the same uncomfortable feeling of being scrutinized only increase in intensity ten-fold. But this time, Tsuna chose to ignore the blatant gaze in the hopes that the interest would soon face. But soon enough, the light that allowed him to read was blocked by a smirking figure that loomed over him.

"'Well, what do we have here? Don't you look so adorably lonely reading all by your lonesome? Why don't I, Glo Xinia, join you?" said the bespectacled man with a slimy smile.

Tsuna was at a loss for words that such a perverted man would loom over him and mistake him for a girl. He originally thought that the man was addressing someone else, but no one else was sitting anywhere near his vicinity. He clutched the book to his chest and averted his eyes, but Glo Xinia tore the book from his grasp. "Stop!"

"The Road of the Vongola Mafiaso," scoffed the perverted man as he read the cover. "Such a serious and boring-sounding book doesn't fit you. How about you have dinner with me instead? I promise that I will make it worth your while."

To Tsuna's horror, his oppressor chucked the book over his shoulder and moved even closer to him. Tsuna frantically glanced around for any help, but the other passengers around him were facing away and trying their hardest not to become targets themselves. Tsuna shut his eyes and made to push the man away. "Please leave me alone!"

"Oh, but seeing you struggle is so captive—ack!"

Tsuna's eyes opened wide when he heard Glo Xinia fail to finish his sentence. Instead of the slimy man, he saw a long-haired younger man about a year or two older than himself wearing a dark green uniform, camouflage shirt, and black gloves. He towered over Glo Xinia, who he had pinned to the floor of the train with his foot and what looked suspiciously like a trident. His face was covered by Tsuna's manual, which he seemed to be intently reading.

Glo Xinia's harassed voice started to make his distaste of the situation known, but the foot that pinned him like a butterfly to a piece of cardboard rose a few inches and quickly and violently stamped out his protests.

Tsuna shrank back from the violent display before him, half-paralyzed in fear and half-desirous of snatching his manual back.

"Oya oya, what a fascinating hobby you have, Sawada Tsunayoshi-kun," murmured a deep voice that simply dripped masculinity. The owner of the voice then shut the manual to reveal an exceedingly handsome young man with red and blue heterochromatic eyes, long indigo hair, and the most infuriatingly cocky smirk Tsuna had ever seen.

"How do you know my name?" said Tsuna suspiciously. Reborn was going to flay him alive. The teenage tutor had warned that there would be hell to pay if anyone not affiliated with the Vongola succession ever read even a single line in the manual.

"Your name, Tsunayoshi-kun, is written all over the inside of this book," said that man as he turned the said book around to show the title page… as well as the photograph of a tied-up, half-naked Tsuna as he was battered under a waterfall during one of Reborn's 'training sessions'. It was placed there as a grim reminder of what could be.

Tsuna gasped in humiliation. "Please give it back."

The man's smile simply radiated innocence. "But Tsunayoshi-kun, ever heard of finders-keepers? If you want this back, then you will have to snatch it--!"

Tsuna wasted no time before he lunged forward and snatched the manual from the man's grasp, uncaring that he stepped on the prone Glo or at the rudeness of such a gesture. He quickly secured the book in his bag and turned back with the expectation of a furious man.

"That wasn't a very nice thing to do, Tsunayoshi-kun. You still owe me for saving you."

To Tsuna's surprise, he found himself trapped by the man's two hands on either side of his head and the devastatingly handsome face inches from his own. He made to push the man away or scream chikan* on the train, but the man's hypnotic eyes and his attempts to vainly salvage his masculine pride arrested his voice.

This was a mistake that Tsuna would regret for the rest of his life, as one second, the man was safely three glorious inches away from his face, and the next, the man's mouth was firmly attached to his. Although the kiss was relatively tame, just a meeting of lip to lip that lasted mere seconds, Tsuna's mind ran into overdrive in replaying the ravaging of his lips' innocence.

The man soon broke the kiss with a pleased smile, but Tsuna's expression, uncannily similar to a goldfish, was frozen in shock.

"Will you be my wife, Tsunayoshi-kun?" smiled the demonic man.

Now, if Tsuna was gay or female, he would have easily swooned on the man's lap and begged to be whisked away. The problem was, Tsuna was neither female… nor was he gay. All in all, the poor boy was mortified beyond belief. But as he thought the situation could not possibly get any worse…

The whispers started.

"The poor boy, targeted by two homos in one train."

"The first pervert was less scary than this one. Out of the frying pan into hell, I tell you."

"Shiro, don't look over there! You'll become one of them if you do!"

"Yes, mommy."

"Miki, hurry up and keep writing! We don't always get fanfiction fodder this good! And live too!"

"You know… that boy IS rather pretty for a boy."

Tsuna trembled in mortification, unable to move even as the man unabashedly raked his mis-matched eyes up and down his body. "What do you say?"

Tsuna was spared from answering when the train came to a timely halt. He shot out of his seat (stepping once again on Glo Xinia in the process) and threw himself out the doors just as they started to close. He turned back to take one last look at the man's face and his expression grew pale.

Instead of anger, a deep interested and profound amusement radiated from the heterochromatic man's eyes. He brought his fingers to his lips and blew a kiss in Tsuna's direction. "Bye-bye, Vongola."

The train began to move and Tsuna could barely suppress shouting for joy. But Tsuna's relief was cut short as the man's other gloved hand slowly rose to reveal Tsuna's half-naked picture in its possession. All the blood drained out from his face when he saw the pervert kiss the photograph and pocket it as the train sped away.


Tuna Fish: [And that is my story. Now I've developed a phobia of trains. But I have to get that photo back! Can any of you please offer me any advice?]

Bucking Horse: […]

Kami Korosu: […]

Sho-chan: […]

Jaws: [Your ass is grass.]

Fukurou: [Kufufufu…]


Mukuro smiled as he logged off the forum and walked towards his couch with prize in hand. He gently placed it next to another picture before he lay down on the couch. He looked out of the window at the reddening light of the setting sun and chuckled to himself.

Next to the prized picture was another equally valued treasure.

- Tsunayoshi Sawada -

- Limited Edition : #69 out of 100 -

Mukuro smiled and lifted the information page he ripped out from the manual.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi. Vongola Juudaime-elect. 20 years old. Business Administration undergraduate of Vongola Daigaku.

"I found you."

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End Chapter One

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*Chikan = pervert

Author's Notes:

Of course, KHR does not belong to me. Although the desire to steal the rights is pretty strong, I'm not even going to go there.

Please think of this as a means to tide you over until the next chapter of Zaibatsu is out. I know I've been bad in updating it, but I've been ridiculously busy with work and wedding planning (this November 7 before anyone asks). This is the crack-fic that is very near and dear to my heart as I adore Densha Otoko (with a perverted KHR twist and dash of my own sadistic humor). And for some reason, it proves that I write best when the story is AU. A nice, but also slightly depressing fact.

As for the screen names up there, I did try to make them obvious without having to say who is who. That would just ruin the fun.

And yeah, I know the poll on my profile doesn't really decide which fic I update first. But it does say which ones people are reading the most