Janice Rand

Janice was a complete accident.

On her third day at the academy, Gaila decided to let off some steam and went to an off-campus party with a mission.

She wanted to bag her first human man.

The races of Gaila's bed room ranged from a wide selection of species but never human, which was a shame because she always wanted to try human men. So she decided to go out hunting and wound up in a dirty basement as young humans danced the hot California night away.

At that point she realized exactly how wide open her options were.

They came in so many colors and shapes and hair colors. The ethnic differences made Gaila drool. On Orion, everyone was usually just different shades of green with brown, red, or black hair and most men on her planet also just shaved off their hair anyway. But this planet had so much variety! Truly, Earth women were spoiled.

She was still agonizing over which man to take home first when she felt a tap on her shoulder. "Are you alright?"

It was a tall, blonde woman, wearing the uniform of a Starfleet yeoman. Her hair was pushed up in a strange, beehive hair do with little braids wrapped behind her head. It was actually quite a nice unique look.

"Oh, sorry, I was just contemplating…what to have for dinner." That was half true she thought, "Am I disturbing you?"

"No, you just had this funny look on your face and I wanted to make sure you were alright." The blonde extended her hand, a gesture which Gaila recognized as a gesture of friendship. "I'm Janice Rand."

"Gaila Gazera," She said as she shook the outstretched appendage. "No wonder there are billions of humans, your females have so many interesting flavors to choose from!"

"I suppose." Said Janice as she sipped from her 'ancient recipe' Budweiser, "I wouldn't really know."

"I don't understand."

"I don't like men."


"I said I don't fuck men."

"Oh, so you don't…have sex?" Gaila tried very hard to be polite to the woman but inside she was a little uncomfortable. She had heard tales of human sexuality from the traders and pirates, stories about 'monogamy' or the even more disgusting 'celibacy'. It was one of those things she knew would be hard to tolerate here on Earth. If this human was celibate, that didn't make her a bad person, even though her mother told her never to trust a celibate.

But Janice was still shaking her head, as if trying to will some human culture into Gaila's head. "No, you're not getting this, I only date girls. They don't have lesbians where you come from?"

Gaila didn't know what a lesbian was but she sort of understood what the woman was talking about. No…men? Weird but better then those gross celibates. "On my home world we don't like to restrict ourselves to one kind of sexuality, it's considered a sin."

"A sin?"

"Yes, Gera the God of Sex does not allow you into heaven if you don't have sex with at least one hundred people in your lifetime." There was always a tinge of embarrassment when Gaila tried to describe the complex nature of the Orion major religion to an offworlder. Humans have so many funny rules about sex and yet they still treated it like a game, which it wasn't and it upset her sometimes how very dismissive they were about the most sacred act in the universe.

"Oh." Janice's face held the 'oh' for a while as she processed the information. Finally the cogs in her brain came up with what Gaila assumed was an attempt at a joke. "So do you have to, like, take pictures as proof or something?"

"Only the first time."

The human woman blinked, trying to wrap her head around this very Orion tradition. "You have pictures from the night you lost your virginity?"

Gaila nodded, "My parents had them framed, my sex teacher was so proud."

"Sex teacher?"

Another nod. "From the Temple of Gera, I couldn't afford to go to the really fancy school up the street so my parents went to the temple priestess and worked something out." Rose colored memories played through her mind and Gaila instantly pictured the kind old priestess of Gera that instructed her in positions and tongue movements. "I was the top of my class."

She was so lost in thought that she almost didn't notice that Janice was leaning against the railing with her chest out and her shoulders back, giving Gaila an alluring view of her silhouette. "I'm sorry for acting so shocked, I've never met an…educated woman."

"That's okay; I know how backward and uneducated humans are about the right way to do things." Janice laughed and Gaila realized she had the most wonderful sounding voice, "Did I say something funny?"

"I've never had any complaints before."

"Are you sure?"


As the music and the party goers pulsed around them, a thought struck Gaila. Why did her first human have to be male? "Say Janice, are you doing anything later?"

Janice said 'No, I'm free' and what came next probably made the great god Gera very proud.

Pavel Chekov

Gaila tried very, very, very hard not to violate the "Over Eighteen" rule in the Starfleet handbook, she really did. But Pavel Chekov's tale of woe just tore out her heart.

"I have no girlfriend." Chekov said between bites of chicken and a thick Russian accent, "I would have no time for one." They were alone in Gaila's dorm room, trying to study for their Monday physics exam when the subject of human girls came up and the boy dropped his sad bombshell.

The young, cute boy spoke to her of the long, cold nights studying while his school mates drank barrels of vodka and bedded Russian girls. Being a genius, it seemed, had been more of a burden then a blessing. "My mother was very strict and she always put school before girls."

"Oh dear!" Gaila said, secretly hoping this horrible woman was arrested at some point, "It must've been so hard to find time for good sex." She must've said something wrong because at that point the boy started to wheeze and choke. She patted him on the back, admiring the wiry muscles underneath his uniform as he coughed.

"I have never…uh…I've never…" he finished his sentence with a very light 'had sex' but to Gaila it was practically a shout.

"You poor thing!" Gaila said, shaking her head. "You're just too handsome to be a celibate." She saw blood rush under the boy's skin and Gaila suddenly discovered that humans could actually change skin color when stressed.

"I am not…I mean I'm not celibate so I'll have sex eventually-"

"Oh," Gaila distantly heard the voice of her mother in the back of her mind, 'Do a good deed now and then, child'. It would be nice to bring this sweet young kid into man hood but she wondered what the price might be. "How old are you?"

"Seventeen." Gaila's face fell and the boy seemed to sense an opportunity slipping away from him, "B-but my birthday is in a few months."

Close enough, she thought "Let's fuck."

James T. Kirk

She tried out monogamy and it didn't work out so well.

James T. Kirk was the first human she felt a true kinship with during her time at the Academy and the more time she spent with him, she started to experience that thing humans referred to as 'romantic love'. He was polite and handsome and had the exact same sex drive.

Every time they were together it felt like there was a whirlwind churning inside her, a trembling, writhing, storm. They went on picnics and lunch dates and holo-movies and on their last date before the Narada attack, she came so very close to a three way with her roommate (which was an all time fantasy for both of them). Yes, James T. Kirk was Gaila's dream man.

So when Jim told her he wanted to throw himself a 'I beat the hardest simulation in history' party, she happily accepted even though it would just be the two of them and not the ten or twelve naked people she wanted to invite.

Four hours of excellent sex later and Gaila really was glad she wasn't dead and craving a little take out chicken. She wanted to ask Jim if he had anything to eat in his pig sty apartment but he was dead to the world, completely exhausted.

Humans, Gaila thought as she turned on the apartment's wall computer, have no stamina.

But as she scrolled through the e-messaging address to her favorite late night restaurant, a small desktop folder caught her eye: "Operation: Schrodinger" and out of pure curiosity, she decided to just take a little peak.

The contents made her blood run cold. It was a diagnostic program that she used during her 'bug hunts' at the Academy sim lab, a small program that could adjust the simulation at key moments during a live test. This was how he beat the simulator: using her access code and her pass key!

Suddenly it all made sense. Their chance first meeting, his offer to help her program the simulator, the long conversation about what is was like working for Commander Spock. She loved him and he used her to cheat on an exam.

At least he looked ashamed when she held up a data padd containing the damning evidence, at least he had the decency to act like the piece of dirt he really was. "How could you?" Galia tried very hard not to cry when she asked the question, but the tears came anyway.

"Baby, it's not what you think- But she was already gone.

She didn't even bother putting clothing on. Gaila walked out of Jim's apartment wearing her lucky thong and nothing else and if the humans on campus had a problem with that then they could just stuff it!

As she wandered up the stairs to Commander Spock's third floor office, Gaila made a vow: one day, James T. Kirk was going to pay.

Leonard McCoy

She assumed that Leonard McCoy just wasn't interested in women.

Leonard was just that older guy Jim hung out with, a friend who usually got in the way during those off campus keggers. He never dated anyone, never had sex with anyone, and mostly just complained about his ex-wife.

If you're always this grumpy, Gaila thought at the time, no wonder she left you.

But three weeks before Nero's attack, Gaila saw something amazing in the Kirk-McCoy apartment… Leonard McCoy and a Trill. She introduced herself as Emory Dax and Leonard claimed she was an old friend but Gaila knew a fuck buddy when she saw one.

"So is it true what they say about Trill girls?" Gaila said with a cocked eyebrow.

"Eight hundred years of experience and no gag reflex? Yeah, it's true." Emory said with a chuckle. Suddenly the air in the room changed and Gaila became very aware of how close Leonard was to her.

He was very, very close and Emory was even closer.

"Sounds like fun." Gaila whispered, trying to keep control of warm tingle that was spreading across her body. "How do you know old Bones here?"

The pair exchanged a look and Gaila saw this twinkle in Leonard's eye. "Oh, uh, Emory here was the reason I finished medical school."

Emory leaned in to Gaila's ear and let her mint flavored breath tingle the skin of Gaila's ear. "I told him he had the…hands of a surgeon."

She looked down to see that Leonard's "surgeon" hand was on Emory's thigh and that Emory's thigh was…by the Great Bird, it was wrapped over her leg.

They were alone in the room, probably for the night since Jim was off with god knows who doing god only knows what and suddenly Gaila didn't actually care that he was a cheating son of a swine. It was just the three of them together, all night long.

So when Gaila saw Emory whisper something into Leonard's ear, a broad smile spread across his face. This was going to be fun.

George Samuel Kirk

"We're going to miss the ceremony."

When he said that, she half expected him to stop the wondrous motion of his hips but really, neither of them cared about seeing Jim's stupid award.

Alone in the broom closet, Gaila was forced to admit that George was absolutely nothing like his brother, he was sweet and kind and made her realize that maybe she met the wrong Kirk boy first.

Oh well, she mused, At least you collected the whole set. She considered asking George if his mother was single but that kind of question probably wouldn't go over well when he was plunging in and out of her.

Since moving to Earth and first exploring the human concept of monogamy, Gaila found her self doing a lot of stupid things but she never thought she'd end up rage fucking her ex-boyfriend's older brother in a closet just to make him pay for betraying her.

She also never thought she'd enjoy it this much.

George was an excellent lover who gave a little piece of himself in some surprising ways. Sure he wasn't as athletic as Jim but he had that mature, powerful demeanor. A commanding aura that said "I'm George Kirk, I'm a real man."

When they first met at the post-victory mixer, George struck her as the only other person who didn't think Jim's new found popularity was well deserved. They talked a little and exchanged stories, had a round of drinks, and when "Captain" Kirk entered the room with Carol Marcus on his arm, they had another round.

By the end of the night they were all over each other and Gaila performed the least subtle sexual maneuver in her arsenal: She grabbed his crotch and whispered "There's a utility closet down the hall."

Twenty minutes later, he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her in for a hard thrust, that sent her over the edge and her eyes rolled into the back of her head as a wave of orgasmic joy tingled up her spine.

That settles it, she thought, I have got to go to this Iowa place.

Montgomery Scott

There's a strange list written on the wall in the Academy Engineering lab that's almost as old as Starfleet itself. If you ask the instructors, they'll say it's a "hot fix" list, great moments in engineering with the name of the Starfleet Officer, where they were, and who was with them when they solved some truly mind boggling problem. But if you ask one of the ten or twelve elite upper classmen who share the secret of the list and they actually decided to trust you, you get a very different explanation.

"It's the Royal Order of the Mile High Club." Said the handsome side of beef in bed next to Gaila, "Kind of a pervert's shopping list." She tickled his chin and he spilled the rest of the story, speaking in hushed tones as he unveiled the best kept secret in Federation history.

He explained that the list was created by lonely engineers who wanted to live vicariously through the handful of officers and cadets that actually had a sex life between thumbing through physics books. The men and women on that wall represented the most powerful sexual legends of Academy history. People who didn't let something like duty and decompression ruin their good time.

And there were some interesting entries on the list like "Charles Tucker III, Warp Core, a Vulcan" or "Robert T. April, the United Federation President's office, a secretary" "Christopher Pike, Ready Room, Number One" or "Richard Robeau, a utility closet, two Bajoran gymnasts".

But the less famous names were just as interesting. Godfrey Tanner was an unremarkable officer who retired twenty years ago. He passed through the annals of Starfleet without making a ripple but this list made him seem like a superhero: "Godfrey Tanner, Captain's Ready Room, Captain Lisa Maddox"; "Godfrey Tanner, Astrometrics, Ensign Kimberly Royce"; "Godfrey Tanner, Klingon Starship, Ambassador Belara."

Women made the list, not as frequently as men, but there were still females attached to this legendary group. "Mona Watkins, Jefferies Tube, Ensign Mike Rogers"; "Carlita Nicols, Engine Room, A Tellarite"; "Mindy Greer, Computer Core, Lieutenant David Hirsch and Ensign Mol Crat of Bolia". The last female entry made even Gaila blush: "Katy Pears, Officer's Lounge, A Deltan, Two Humans, Three Vulcans and an Andorian". Only the Gods could know how Katy Pears managed to talk not just one, but three Vulcans into what must've been the most depraved orgy in Starfleet history.

"So is this going to make the list?" Gaila whispered in her lover's ear the night she first heard about the secret list. But the cadet smiled and shook his head, "You're awesome, don't get me wrong, but you're not list awesome." He said as he tried to slip into his clothes, "You need to do something really depraved to get on the list."

"Like what?"

"Fuck somebody famous or fuck somebody in a really weird place."

Two years after graduating, Gaila would make the list.

She was crawling through the Enterprise's left nacelle, trying to keep her grip after a power shortage in the gravity plating sent the entire section floating through the air. It was silly how, at the time, Gaila hated the sensation of being weightless. Her stomach heaved and whirled as she turned end over end inside the empty compartment, like a never ending carnival was stomping across her internal organs.

Obviously she tried to stay professional, which wasn't easy when she was floating upside down inside of a giant warp field generator. And the uniforms didn't help, how was a girl supposed to look classy while wearing a skirt in zero g? Who was the idiot who designed this uniform anyway? Skirts…in space? It was better then the old 22nd century jumpsuits, sure, but a skirt?

She opened her mouth to scream at the nameless uniform designer but before she could, she heard the strong, proud voice of a living legend.

"Somethin' eye can help yah with, lass?"

Montgomery Scott, inventor of trans-warp beaming. The man who can hit a bullet with a smaller bullet while riding a horse.

He was the sexiest thing Gaila had ever seen.

"Um, could you-maybe-" She was stuttering, why was she stuttering? He was just a man! A big, strapping, Scotsman with a belt filled with…tools. Girlish giggles filled her throat as she continued to fall through zero gravity towards the oddly stationary Chief engineer.

"Yee should get yerself some magnetic boots, ensign, might help yer situation." Gods she loved the way he talked. He sounded like some sort of ancient Earth pirate, a sexy, sexy pirate.

He walked over and grabbed her air, pulling her towards him as he adjusted the magnetic boots to hold two people. Gaila wrapped her arms around his waist, suddenly overpowered with his musky odor.

You're on duty! She thought, you don't fuck people on duty.

Oh but she just had to! She'd never forgive herself if she didn't at least try…

"So Mr. Scott….ever made the list?"

The next day another name appeared mysteriously on the Engine Lab wall and the instructors beamed with pride because one of their old pupils must've done something amazing.

Gaila Gazera, Warp Nacelle, In Zero G, Montgomery Scott

James T. Kirk…almost

Orions were people of their word, if they promised to do something they meant it.

Gaila was a little conflicted about doing this. In the years since his horrible betrayal, James T. Kirk was both a hero to the Federation and good friend to Nyota. He had proven over and over again that despite a rebellious attitude towards the rules he was a good man. He didn't completely deserve this anymore.

But a promise was a promise.

"Give me back my clothes Gaila!" He was tied to the conference room chair, completely naked and in the most embarrassing position possible. She laughed as he struggled to release himself from the heavy gauge wires currently holding him in place. "I am your superior officer and I order you to release me!"

"Really? That's so weird!"

The End