Sane-less in San Diego
Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to Marvel. I own Leon/Crisis and Farrah/Persiana.
A blonde, crew cut hair style man dressed in a suit was driving through the gates of the West Coast Avengers compound in San Diego. His name is Henry Peter Gyrich, liaison to the Avengers. He was in a foul mood as he stepped out of the car, clutching a fine leather brief case.
Nick Fury, the one-eyed head of SHIELD, shook his head,
"Gyrich, you really need to calm down about this."
"I don't know how you put up with them, but those kids are vital to national security. I am going to go in there and tell them to cut out all the insane stunts they are pulling and start acting professionally."
Fury shook his head,
"First, they're teens. There are times when things are going to be out of control-."
Suddenly, a couch came flying through the window. Fury tackled Gyrich and watched as the couch hit the car Gyrich came in, rolled over a few times, and both the car and couch were set on fire.
Turning back, they could hear two feminine voices shouting back,
"LEON HAS AN AEROSMITH SONG FIRST ON HIS I-POD!"
"NO, IT'S GUNS'N'ROSES!"
At this, the sound of more furniture being overturned was heard, and a fight had broken out. A male voice ordered,
"Ladies, calm down."
Another male voice laughed,
The first male voice said,
"You're not helping, Sam!"
"They're at it again."
Gyrich looked on in horror,
"Looks at what those punks did to my car!"
"This is going on report, Fury!"
He walked up to the front door and pounded on it. However, as he did, he soon had the door collapse on top of him. A white-haired were-lioness was thrown threw it. Her name is Farrah Willows, the heroine Persiana. She roared,
"That's it, Barbie! You're dead!"
She charged back in, the sounds of the fight resuming. Fury strolled up to the now pinned Gyrich and said,
"I told you so."
Gyrich lifted himself out from underneath the door and was boiling mad,
"GET THIS TEAM IN ORDER NOW!"
Ten minutes later…
The main living room was reasonably cleaned up, but it was still trashed. Carol Danvers, the heroine Miss Marvel and blonde teenage Air Force brat, and Farrah Willows, the white-haired lioness Persiana, were on opposite ends of the room. Leon, the red-eyed hero known as Crisis, stood in the middle of the room, hoping to restore some kind of order.
Gyrich looked at the teen Avengers and the adult handlers,
"This is even worse than that time I was visiting the East Coast Avengers."
Natasha Romanoff, the red-haired heroine and Avenger team leader Black Widow, smiled dreamily,
"Is my Hawkeye all right? I miss him."
"In the weeks that this team has formed, I have seen more incident reports than actual good things this team has done!"
He opened his briefcase and pulled out a file. He opened it and read,
"Persiana, according to this, you and Miss Marvel were in a brawl that caused massive property damage in downtown San Diego!"
"Oh, please. It wasn't THAT bad."
"The windows on six streets had to be replaced!"
Carol shook her head,
"Forget it, Mr. Gyrich. Farrah has always had a problem with authority. It's one of the reasons why she's a really big bitch."
Farrah looked at her blonde arch-nemesis,
"Oh, I'm a bitch? Look at you, Barbie. You wreak of bitchiness every time you enter the room. And, don't forget the time the WWE came to town. You were chasing after John Cena all night. They had to cancel the event because Cena was taken hostage by you!" (1)
Carol shot back,
"I couldn't help it if he was cute! All the local guys from Boston are cute."
"Except for Leon He's really cute."
Carol shot him a flirty look. The were-cat roared,
"HE'S MY MAN! DIE!"
She went to tackle Miss Marvel, but Leon managed to separate the two of them. He said,
"Look, Carol's a good friend, but I'm sorry; I'm dating Farrah, and I stand by that."
"But, why? Leon, she's totally immature, not like me. I'm very mature for my age."
Everyone looked at the Air Force brat. Carol sheepishly answered,
"OK, maybe I did go a little crazy when they cancelled the rest of the Aerosmith tour-." (2)
Leon folded his arms,
"As I recall, you wouldn't let go of me, sobbing that you're beloved Steven Tyler was dead."
"Can you imagine if he was? We'd never hear the end of it."
Black Panther shook his head,
"I also seem to remember Farrah attempting to pry Carol off with a crowbar."
"Didn't John Cena get a restraining order against Miss Marvel?"
Persiana rolled her eyes,
"You honestly think that's gonna stop her? Try stopping the suns from setting; that'd be easier."
"Hey, let's get back to this! From now on, you two need to stop this!"
Crystal shook her head,
"I don't think that's going to happen."
The government liaison shot a glare in her direction,
"Now, you're another person I have on report. Is it true you are constantly sneaking onto the East Coast Misfits' base and attempting to abduct Quicksilver?!"
Crystal sighed dreamily,
"He's SO sexy! I have to introduce myself to him. He and I are going to have children!"
"That's a disturbing thought."
"It's true. One of my first visions was Crystal and Quicksilver having a child. A daughter."
At this, everyone shuddered. War Machine swallowed,
"That is disturbing."
Gyrich then pulled out another file,
"Black Panther, what's this I hear you racking up long distance calls?"
T'challa shook his head,
"I was phoning home, telling them about what is happening here in America."
Gyrich flew off the handle,
"We have a diplomatic line for that! Why am I the one stuck with the charges?"
Black Panther just shrugged.
Gyrich then went down the line,
"Hercules, you and Thor are constantly at each other's throats!"
The mace-wielding teen nodded,
"Aye, I intend to show that puny Thor I am the stronger, and the better god."
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOU TWO MET IN THE ARENA? DO YOU?!"
"It seems there was a wrestling event, and Hercules beat every opponent that came his way, until Thor showed up."
"Oh, the arena never stood a chance."
"WHICH ONE OF YOU MORONS THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE A NO-HOLDS-BARRED FIGHT LIKE THAT?!"
Everyone just stared blankly for a minute before Gyrich continued,
"And, the adults aren't any better either! There's a report out that Wonder Man and Beast stole every glow stick in town!"
Pulsar shook her head,
"To be honest, sir, both of them were drunk, and they thought the glow sticks were radioactive isotopes."
Gyrich sarcastically remarked,
"I feel SO much better knowing that! And where were you two when this team was out living the high life?!"
Rhodes rubbed the back of his head nervously,
"Well, we were getting drunk too, because the kids are just so hard to deal with."
Gyrich slammed his briefcase closed,
"I can't believe the nation's security is being protected by you maniacs! When I get back to DC, you're all going on report!"
"Is anyone else getting bored with this guy?"
"Aye, I am."
With that, the god of strength hefted the scrawny man easily and threw him out of the compound. He went over a cliff, screaming girlishly,
He landed head first into the sand. He looked like an ostrich with its head buried in the sand.
The West Coast Avengers began laughing at the comedic sight of Gyrich attempting to get his head out of the sand. When he finally did, a crab walked up to him and pinched his claw on his well…endowment. Gyrich screamed and ran around, eventually getting caught in a big wave. When the wave flowed away, the crab was gone too, but he noticed he had a fish in his mouth. He spat out the fish and was about to find his briefcase when he saw it floating out to sea. He swam after it, and got it as a great white shark was coming to eat him. Swimming as fast as he could, he rolled onto a wave and it crashed on the beach. As Gyrich stood up, the great white jumped out and landed on top of him, opening his jaw. It swallowed about halfway down Gyrich, and the government liaison was screaming,
"Get it off! Get it off!"
He fumbled for a stick and banged it against the shark. Eventually the shark got off , but Gyrich did not notice and continued to hit himself in the face with the stick. Eventually, he fell unconscious.
"I got an idea."
Gyrich woke up,
"Where am I?"
His opened his bleary eyes and, suddenly, they shot open.
He was above the city of New York, tied to the side of the SHEILD helicarrier. He whimpered, then roared,
"FURY! I KNOW IT WAS YOU AND THE AVENGERS! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS, YOU'RE DEAD!"
He added to himself,
"That is, IF I get out of this."
End of One Shot
(1) WWE superstar John Cena is from West Newbury, MA.
(2) On a recent tour (as of 2009), Steven Tyler took a bad spill, breaking his shoulder and canceling the rest of the Aerosmith tour.