To Be Wanted

Last week, Cartman said something that set me off again. I don't remember what it was, but I don't have to. It was about me being Jewish. I asked him if he even believed in God, anyway. He wouldn't give me a straight answer. Cartman doesn't make sense.

Stan said he did, but Kenny was really quiet. I asked him what he thought, and he stared at the snow lying in the bank on the side of the road. I remember thinking it was so weird how it was clean and pure, unlike the rest of the snow on the side of the road. All of those piles were brown and filthy, covered in tire tracks. Kenny blinked, and said that no, he didn't believe there could be a God. Not even a bad one.

I said 'Kenny, how could you live like that?' He didn't answer me.

So I said, 'you've died before, so don't you know?' and I felt scared, because if he did know, then there was no God. Kenny shook his head and said 'I don't remember.' So I asked him what he meant. I must have yelled, I was still mad because of Cartman. He was quiet, then he looked over at me and pulled his hood off. He never pulled his hood off. He only took it down when whatever he was saying was really, really important, and we had to understand it, no matter what.

Kenny said 'I mean if I keep coming back, that must mean that God doesn't want me. So I'd rather believe he isn't there than he hates me, cuz it's hard enough when you have to hate yourself.'

Then he went away, and we didn't see him for awhile. Not for days. Days and days.

It's so, so hard now, staring at that bank of snow that caught his attention that day, because it isn't pure anymore. It isn't clean, it isn't white.

It's red and scary, and it makes me think I'm going to be sick.

'Kenny, Kenny, Kenny, please wake up-' but he doesn't.

He's on the ground, crumpled up like a little doll. His head is bleeding all over the snow and the pavement, and his arms are spread out in front of him, his legs bent up behind him. His eyes are closed and he isn't moving. He's almost as twisted up as his bike that's tangled up under the front tires of the car that hit him.

I can't move. I can't seem to remember how. I notice Stan's legs wobble, and then his knees buckle. He falls to the ground but keeps staring. Cartman is calling the police, I think.

Someone stopped their car and got a flashlight. It's so dark, no one can see Kenny, but I can. I'm afraid they'll hit him again- but they're diverting traffic. Thank you, thank you- I want to say it, but my mouth won't listen to me.

I notice his shoe is missing- no wait, there it is. It's about thirty feet away, where the car first hit him. It looks lonely.

Who was driving the car? Oh, it was Craig. He stumbles out and looks at Kenny. Shakes his head, checks his car, gets back in and drives away. I can't move to stop him. Besides, he doesn't care. As far as he knows, Kenny will come back.

So why am I scared? Why does Kenny's crumpled, broken body turning the snow red make me want to cry if Kenny comes back?

A few days ago, Kenny came back, and said 'good news, guys. God says he wants me.'

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Kyle: That was my POV, btw.

Draik: I did write this for a reason, though. I'm a little freaked out right now, because I just got home, and a kid got hit by a car. He said his name was Austin, and he was 16. He had this hat, thirty feet away, and his shoe was next to the car that hit him, another 15 feet in the other direction. He was lying on the ground when we got there, and he wasn't moving. Someone was calling the police. There really wasn't any blood, but I was scared for him anyway because he wasn't waking up. It was so dark out, and we were on a busy street, right in the middle. My dad grabbed his flashlight and a neon orange safety vest out of his trunk and took care of traffic. His bike was all trashed under the car, and the other guy's bike was ditched on the side of the road. Finally, he got up, and asked 'where's my hat, where's my friend, where's my shoe?' then he tried to stand up and they made him lie back down, and he said 'I… I feel like I'm dreaming.' Then he asked where he was and what he was doing, and the ambulance finally got there. So they think he has a concussion but that's it, but I was so scared for him. He really wasn't moving.

Kenny: hardcore.

Draik: But the EMTs said he was probably going to be just fine, so I feel a little better.