Chapter 20- Realizations and Group Confessions
I just stood there staring at her, thinking of what I could say, my mouth opening and closing like a fish. How could I even begin to tell her how sorry I was for doing what I did, and almost doing what I'd deeply regret later. Was this the last straw this time? Would she ever forgive me or would she have had enough of the trouble I'm always causing her. My heart was hammering because she was staring right into my eyes, questioning me. My mouth was dry and my tongue: tied. I had no idea what I was supposed to do then, I even had Rob watching this whole ordeal.
"Well, are you gonna say something?" she said awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot. I kept opening my mouth as if I was going to say something but I closing it shortly afterwards, probably confusing her into oblivion.
"Er yeah!" I said clearing my throat, turning bright red and stumbling over my words, while I heard Rob snicker behind me. I was embarrassed and frustrated enough, I did not need him standing there, making fun of me the whole time. I had enough to deal with. So I grabbed the nearest thing to me, which happened to be the sofa cushion and pummeled it at his head, which only made him laugh harder.
"Okay, okay," he said, struggling to control his laughter, his hands up in surrender. "I'm leaving, I'm leaving." he said before disappearing into the garden, but I could still hear his annoying laugh. What the hell was so funny about this situation? I get that we're not the best of friends but he couldn't even have some decency for the sake of his girlfriend. Yet again, I did not see what she saw in him. Seriously.
I turned back to Sahaj and saw her raise an eyebrow questioningly at me like 'Are you gonna talk or what?'.
"Yeah um," I said, taking a step towards her. She was less intimidating because I was roughly at the same height level as her as she was wearing flats and I was wearing heels. "I-Why don't we sit down?" I said walking over to the couch. This would be a whole lot easier if I didn't have to worry about collapsing every two seconds.
"Okay," she said dragging it out and moving to sit opposite me on the couch. "So?" she asked awkwardly. The atmosphere between us was odd, we both knew what the other was thinking, yet we refused to acknowledge it until it was said out aloud. I took a deep breath, playing with the hem of my shirt and looking at my shoes.
"I'm sorry," I said in a whisper, it was so quiet she couldn't have been able to hear it, but I knew she did. I finally looked up at her to see that her face was a mask, it wouldn't show me what she was feeling. I couldn't even look at her eyes to fathom her thoughts as she was looking anywhere but me.
"What happened last night?" she said sighing and putting her head in her hands. "Where did you go?" she said looking in my eyes and I saw tears glistening in hers. It was obvious she knew of my absence, it probably scared her to death. "Do you know how worried I was?" she said, her voice shaking with tears. Even there was an invisible barrier between us, I couldn't help but cross it and pull her into a hug.
"I'm sorry," I said wrapping my arms tightly around her neck, starting to bawl myself, remembering how stupid and foolish I could have been if I hadn't come to my senses. I felt her arms come around my back as she cried into my shoulder.
"Hey do you-" Rob started, walking in. I gave him the death glare over Sahaj's shoulder and he retreated, eyes wide and arms up.
"You were mad at me and I understand that, but you know how scared I was when I came home and saw you weren't here. Also this morning when I saw you weren't with the Cullens? Do you even know what kinds of thought crossed my mind?" she said pulling back and looking me square in the eyes.
"I know, I know," bowing my head in shame. "I'm sorry."
"Don't ever do that to me again," she said, tackling me in a hug again. Even though I knew we still had to sort out a lot of things, such as why I felt the urge to leave, I knew that we would be okay. I knew I had my best friend back and it was the best feeling in the world. Even better than hitting Rob, which was saying something.
"I won't," I whispered to her shoulder.
"What happened?" she asked pulling back and I knew exactly what she meant. We had to sort this out if we were ever going to go back to the way we once were. "I thought you were over the fact that I hid that secret from you?"
"Well-Wait, how did you know that was the problem?" I said astounded as to how she could have known. I had only just figured it out.
"I know you, that's why."
"Well I guess I thought I was over it, but I buried instead of confronting you about it. So when this situation came up, I guess I did what I wanted to do years ago." I said.
"Why didn't you just tell me? Or like yelled at me back then instead of giving me this huge scare?" she said shaking her head at me.
"I don't know," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "I just-" I stopped what I was saying as soon as I looked up and saw the expression on her face. She looked like she could just burst out laughing any second.
"What's so funny?" I said and that was it for her as she threw her head back and burst out laughing while I sat there staring at her, trying to figure out what was so funny.
"Done now?" I said as she calmed down, composing herself again.
"What was so funny?" I said.
"Oh nothing, you're just so adorable," she said reaching across and ruffling my hair.
"No!" I said smacking her hand away. "Shut up!"
"Anyway, okay so I get that but where did you go last night?" she said putting on her serious face again. "You scared me to death."
"Well," I said preparing to explain to her that she might have never actually seen me ever again. "I was really mad at you and at that point I was blinded by my anger so I went to the beach house." I said not even mentioning my initial intentions.
"Yeah?" she said, staring intently at me. "Why do you look as guilty about that?" she said and my eyes went wide. How the hell did she know I felt guilty?
"Well, I was planning on leaving forever," I said meekly, looking down at the ground.
"You what?" she said her voice livid. I could tell she was seriously angry about that as I looked up and saw her face.
"I'm sorry!" I said in a haste. "I was overpowered by my anger!"
"I can't believe you! I can't believe you would do that to me over something so...so juvenile!" she said, anger etched on her face as she abruptly stood up, all the softness disappearing from her face. This was something odd about Sahaj, one minute she would be so sweet and inviting and the next she'd turn completely cold, whiplashing you. Even though I had learnt to deal with it over the years, it still hurt.
"No! Wait! I'm sorry!" I said standing and grabbing her wrist. "We're so close to being normal again, please don't ruin that," I said pleading with her, and I knew my choice of words wasn't the best.
"Roslyn!" she said snatching her wrist away from me again. "We can't be normal again if you have grudges against me deep enough for you to consider leaving?"
"No, I don't," I said, sighing. "I was just- I don't know what I was thinking." I said frustrated.
"Roslyn, why did you not talk to me?" she said, her eyes softening up.
"I don't know," I said looking down. "I guess I still hadn't figured out that I was mad at you for something that happened all those years ago."
"But you're over it now?" she said looking at me skeptically.
"Yes! Definitely!" I said, rushing to assure her, I desperately needed to get out of this rut I had made for myself.
"Then welcome back," she said giving me a wide smile and opening her arms.
"Oh thank God," I said, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. For a second there, I thought she was seriously not going to take me back. "I thought you weren't going to forgive me," I said still shaky as I wrapped my arms around her.
"You silly girl," she said pulling back, gripping my shoulders and giving me a kind smile. "How many times have I told you I love you? How could I not forgive you?"
"Then why did you act all cold before?" I asked, confused.
"You know I like scaring you," she said winking at me and I playfully hit her shoulder, but secretly I was glad everything between us was as it should be.
"I love you," I whispered, pulling her into a hug again.
"I love you more," she said, with an amused expression on her face. This was our inside joke, whenever one of us said 'I love you', we'd end up having a battle saying who loves who more.
"I love you times infinity! So HA!" I yelled in her face, my expression mirroring hers.
"Fuck you!" she said and we both fell into a fit of laughter. Words could not express how glad I was that everything had fallen back into place again. There was an issue at the back of mind, but I could deal with that later. I was too happy enjoying this moment.
"Can I come in now?" I heard Rob say timidly from the doorway.
"Yeah," Sahaj said, still laughing. She then proceeded to run to him and wrap her arms around his neck, whispering in his ear.
I was on the brink of throwing up all over them, so I sat down, continuing my America's Next Top Model marathon.
That issue which was jumping at the back of my mind suddenly brought itself to the front, having been pushed away enough times. I wondered what had happened between Bella and the Cullens at school today. Did they sort things out like Sahaj and I did? Did the Cullens even realize that it was their fault, not Bella's? As soon as I realized that I was at fault, not Sahaj; I also came to the conclusion that the Cullens were wrong, not Bella. I had forgiven Sahaj when she had told me, I was even happy for her, I didn't completely shut her out of my life. Even if their anger was justifiable to an extent, they should at least sit down with her and talk about how they felt, instead of treating her as cruelly as they had.
Had Bella even realized that it wasn't her fault? The poor girl was probably blaming herself. I wondered how she had coped at school, I knew for a fact that she had at least one lesson with Edward, how had he treated her? Or had he just been ice cold like he was the last time we were all together in her house. For a guy who was supposed to be madly in love with her, as he claimed, he was such a jerk. If he was so in love with her, then he should be able to look past any of her mistakes, that anger shouldn't overpower his love for her.
"Sahaj what happened today?" I said turning to her only to see them making out in my Living Room. In my Living Room!
"Ugh guys!" I said, frustrated. "Why can't a girl watch TV in her own house without wanting to throw up every two seconds?" I said throwing a cushion at them. Wow, I had thrown a lot of cushions today, poor cushions.
"What?" Rob said turning to me and smirking. That fucking smirk which pissed me off so much, and he knew that.
"Agh you fucking-" I said, getting up from the sofa, about to run to him and smack him silly; but, unfortunately, Sahaj held me back.
"He's laughing!" I said whining like a little girl and pointing at him, while he tried to muffle it.
"Roslyn!" Sahaj said, warning me with her eyes.
"Fine!" I said pouting and going to sit back down on the sofa. "What happened at school today?" I said once I had finally calmed down.
"Wow," she said, coming to sit beside me while Rob disappeared into the house. Thank God, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from beating him up. Which would be quite impossible anyway since he was bigger, heavier and stronger than me, but a girl can dream. "Where to start?" she said.
"Why, what happened?" I said, wanting to know what big 'drama' happened today.
"The appropriate question would be what didn't happen," she said looking shocked, probably recalling memories from today.
"Would you tell me already?"
"Well Bella and I had a showdown with Lauren and Jessica and Bella finally realized that she wasn't at fault and you will not believe what she did!" she said nervously.
"At lunch, she went up to Edward's table, and both of them made a huge scene, yelling at each other; and let me tell you, Bella certainly gave them a piece of her mind."
"Oh my God!" I said, my mouth hanging open. Bella didn't seem like the type of person who would just go around blowing up at people. I guess what happened with the Cullens really pushed her over the edge.
"I think they all have realized that it's their fault. I think now, they're all freaking out at the prospect of apologizing to Bella, after seeing this side of her." Sahaj said thoughtfully, she was very good at reading people and I had feeling she was spot on. Right now, even thought they had hurt Bella and she was heartbroken, the Cullens needed someone to guide them.
"I need to fix this," Sahaj said putting her head in her hands. "This is my whole fault. If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't be in this mess in the first place."
"But if you think about it, it's good that you did this. This was gonna come out one day anyway, so better sooner than later right?" I said, reassuring her, I knew she was blaming herself for this whole thing.
"I guess you're right," she said, taking a deep breath.
"We need to go talk to them," I said.
"Yeah, we do."
As we all entered the house together, we came face to face with Mom, who was still livid with us.
"You were right Mom," I sighed and walked over to her, in this situation, where I was lost as hell, I really needed my mother.
"I always am," she said wrapping her arms around me pulling me into a hug. I had to fight my feelings to keep them from coming out. I could hide them for a long time, suppress them so no one would see; but as soon as someone starts comfort me, I can't hold back. I didn't want to bawl in front of Mom, so I let go of her hastily and walked into the living room, where we all sat together.
"So what exactly made you guys realize that you were wrong?" Mom asked us, leaning forward, fighting to keep that 'I told you so' look off of her face.
"It's okay Mom," I said, half-smiling. "You can say 'I told you so!'"
"I told you so!" she said smiling brightly. "That felt good." she said laughing and I couldn't help but laugh with her; even though there was nothing funny about this situation.
"Hey wait!" Emmett said pitching in late, as usual. "I already knew," he said grinning. Kiss-ass.
"Well done Emmett," I said snapping at him, irritated that we had a huge problem in front of us and all he could think about was the fact that he was right for once. "We're still no closer to solving this mess."
"It'll be okay guys," Mom said in her soothing voice, which, normally, would have calmed me down but not today. I had already messed up so many times with Bella, this was one too many. She could probably forgive the rest of us, but not me. They hadn't screwed up at all with her, I had way too many times to count.
"It'll be okay for you guys!" I said throwing my arms up in frustration. "You guys haven't messed up as much as I have."
"Haha he's right," Rose said and they all laughed at me. They fucking laughed at me.
"Laugh all you want but you're gonna have to apologize to her too." That shut them up.
"Okay so what made you have this epiphany of sorts?" Mom said, taking us back to the initial topic.
"Well, today," Alice started, she hadn't spoken much today but I knew she was just as shaken as me. Out of our family, we were the two people who were closer to Bella than the rest and we both knew that it would be harder for Bella to forgive us that it would be to forgive the others. "At lunch Bella basically stormed up to our table and made us realize how idiotic we were."
"Bella did that?" Mom said looking a bit shocked. Bella wasn't the type of person to go yell at people, initially we were all shocked too.
"Yeah, I know," Alice said quietly, leaning her head on Jasper's shoulder. "We were shocked too."
"Don't worry," Mom said. "It'll be okay. All you need to do is tell Bella how sorry and mistaken you were; and she'll take you back like this," she said snapping her fingers.
"No, Mom she won't. Words can't describe how stupid selfish and plain cruel we were to her, why in the world would she take us back?" I said, my head in my hands, completely defeated.
"I'll tell you why," she said, lifting my head up. "Because she loves you. She loves you guys too much to even consider loosing you. Why do you think she was so upset when you left her?"
"But Mom," I said recalling what Bella said at lunch. "She, herself, said that our friendship isn't what she thought it was."
"Oh please," Moms said waving her hand. "That was the just the anger speaking. Didn't you guys say that sort of stuff to her? You didn't mean it, it was just your anger making you say those things."
"Mom, Bella won't forgive me."
"Didn't you say that when you messed up before, when you blew up at her about Jacob?" she said, smiling at me.
"Wait, how did you know about that?" I said, astounded. None of us told anyone. Or did they? I thought turning to glare at my siblings, who all shrugged and said that they didn't tell her.
"Oh please," she said slyly. "I know everything. Anyway, the important thing is, you thought she wasn't going to forgive you and what happened?"
"She forgave me."
"And you barely apologized, she just ran into your arms, did she not?"
"Yeah..." I said, still dazed that Mom knew so much about my life, although I've never told her a thing.
"Trust me," she said patting my knee with her hand. "She'll forgive you." After that Mom walked away, leaving us to our thoughts.
Even though the kind words of my mother was exactly what I needed, it still wasn't enough to calm me down and assure me everything was going to be okay.
"So what now?" I said, almost to myself, sighing exasperatedly.
"You apologize to her, you idiot!" Rose said smacking my head. I couldn't believe that they were naming me the culprit here. They all had a hand in it!
"Hey! Why are you acting like this was all my fault?" I said, turning and glaring at them.
"It's mainly your fault," she said smirking at me.
"True," I said. "So how do I apologize to her?"
"It's two words," she said. "I'm sorry" as she said that she held up two fingers and wiggled them about.
"I know!" Sometimes I got really irritated with Rosalie's know-it-all nature.
"Oh dear God," Rose said smacking her own forehead. "I do not know what Bella sees in you."
"Look now is not the time to go into that," I said, remembering their futile attempts to convince me that Bella was in love with me. Yeah right, and the Sun revolves around the Earth.
"I mean like how can I do it?" I said. "I can't just climb through her bedroom window and go 'I'm sorry!' now can I?"
Rose didn't have the chance to say anything else because at that moment the doorbell rang. A small part of me was praying that it would be Bella. It was praying that she had realized how sorry we all were and came to take us all back. That was all fairytales though, no one gets a happy ending in real life.
"Are you gonna go answer that or what?" Rosalie said in her usual annoying voice.
"What the fuck? Why should I-Oh fine I'll do it," I said, giving up, no one wins against Rosalie. Opening the door and being surprised was the understatement of the century. I was fucking shocked. I opened the door to find none other than Roslyn with Sahaj. I thought they were fighting?
"Come in guys," I said warily, taken aback that they were here together.
"Hey," everyone greeted them as I led them to the living room.
"So.." I said sitting down opposite them, after they had both hugged Rosalie and Alice. Why do girls do that? "You guys worked everything out?"
"Yeah," Roslyn said. "And it's time you did too."
"I know," I said hanging my head.
"Guys, I just wanna apologize, I mean you wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for me and my 'great ideas'," she said making quotes in the air over 'great ideas'. There was something that shocked me. Sahaj was apologizing? She thought this was her fault. I guess we all hadn't got our heads straight in this situation.
"No, it's not your fault." I said reassuring her. "With or without you, this would have come out someday, and it would have been worse when it did." I said although I could not imagine it being any worse than it already was.
"It's funny," she said, smiling slightly. "Bella told me the exact same thing." It was strangely weird to hear some news about Bella. To talk to someone who was on speaking terms with her. She just felt so alien-like to me right then. She could talk to Bella and I couldn't. We had been shunned away from Bella so it was odd to hear from someone on the 'inside'.
"Really?" I said, lost in thought about Bella again.
"So, I guess it's safe to say that you have come to the realization that you were wrong, not Bella?" Roslyn said, stating the obvious. I had the strongest urge to say 'Thank you Captain DUH' but I refrained as I had been raised to be gentlemanly; although I hadn't done a very good job regarding what had happened with Bella.
"Yup," I said nodding. "What am I gonna do?"
"Grow some balls and apologize to her?" Sahaj hinted.
"But how? I can't just climb though her window and go 'I'm sorry'," I said repeating what I had said earlier to Rosalie; Sahaj simply raised an eyebrow at me.
After apologizing to Mike once he came and pestered me again, I made my way towards the Gym block. Even though Mike was a complete douche and I meant everything I said to him, I still felt a bit mean so I had the urge to apologize to him. I had had enough of my bitchy side today.
As I was doing so, I heard a revving engine getting louder and louder. I looked up to find none other than Jacob. Jacob Black. In my school. On a bike. Holy Shit.
He motioned me to join him and I ran to him, sitting at the back, wrapping my arms around him after I asked Mike to tell Coach I had gone home sick.
"Where are we going?" I yelled in his ear as we were driving along the freeway.
"Does it matter?" he yelled back, laughing and I couldn't help but laugh too, his joy contagious. Riding on the bike, all that adrenaline pumping through me, I felt at the top of the world. I felt carefree. I felt happy. Jake always seemed to evoke that emotion out of me. With Edward it was a roller coaster of emotions, but Jake was constant. He was my safe zone.
After we rode on the bike for God knows how long we finally arrived at his house.
"Thank God," I said as I got off the bike. "That was fun and all but I was starting to get a wedgie." I said as I laughed.
"Oh well you better get used to it since it's not over yet," he said leading me to his garage where I saw another motorbike.
"You're kidding me," I said, my mouth agape.
"Nope, buckle up," he said as he threw the helmet at me. "You're riding solo on this thing."
After I had buckled up my helmet and Jake had wheeled the bikes to a deserted road, with a surprising amount of strength I might add, we got started.
"Are you sure about this Jake?" I said my voice wavering, I wasn't the most co-ordinated person so this was just a recipe for disaster.
"Yeah, you'll be fine!" he said while he held the bike still as I climbed on. I was taking deep breaths as Jake told me which thing was the race and which one was the clutch or whatever. I was too busy hyperventilating so I didn't catch a word he said.
"Ready?" he said as he let go of the bike so I could balance it myself.
"As I'll ever be," I said as revved up the engine and it felt surprisingly good. Even the sound was pumping adrenaline through my veins.
"Whoa," I gasped as I turned the handle and started forward.
"Yeah," Jake said smiling. I turned the handle and set off. It wasn't like disastrous as I thought it would be. The first few seconds went quite well, "Whoo!" I yelled as the wind was in my face and my heart was pumping loudly. It was exhilarating . It was the best feeling in the world I had ever experienced. That is until I lost control of the handlebars.
"Jake!" I yelled as the bike went haywire.
"The brakes Bella!" He yelled running after me, like that was going to help. I was speeding 50 mph and he was running. "The brakes!"
"Which ones are they?" I yelled back, not remembering anything from Jake's teach. I really regretted not listening to him right then. I went left and right before finally crashing into a rock and flying off the bike, hitting my head on another one.
"Whoa," I said feeling drowsy and numb as my vision faltered.
"Shit! Are you okay Bella?" Jake said running up to me, taking off his shirt and using it to dab at my forehead which apparently was bleeding.
"Do I fucking look okay Jacob?" I hissed, finally being hit by the pain. It was everywhere, I could feel it in my head, my arms, my legs, everywhere. Screw you Jake.
I took the opportunity, as Jake was catering to my forehead, to check out his chest. Man they were hot. Nowhere near Edward though, no matter how much Edward may have hurt me, no one could compare to him. Even though there was pain with him, and heartbreak, there were also those magical moments, which made it all worth it. I felt safe with Jake, even though that was quite ironic right now since he was the reason I had fallen off and cracked open my skull, or that's what it felt like. Edward wasn't my safe zone, being with was breathtaking and exhilarating, a little adventure never hurt anyone.
"Come on, let's get you cleaned up," he said lifting me up and putting my arm around his shoulders to support me.
After Jake had given me some painkillers and cleaned and bandaged up my wounds, I felt awake again.
"Wow who knew Jacob Black could serve as a part-time doctor," I said chuckling as we sat down on his couch to watch TV with a bag of sensations each.
"Well you get pretty trained if you have to do it everyday," he chuckled as he flicked through channels. "And Bella, I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking putting you on a bike." He said pointing at me.
"Jake, seriously it's fine, I could have managed to get these on my own anyway," I said inspecting the bandages. I had one cross-shaped one on the right of my forehead and a wide bandage on my right arm.
After chilling in his house and messing about, which included him fighting for my crisps which caused them to explode so no one ended up having them, I headed back home.
"Bye Billy!" I said as I hopped on the back of Jake's bike, so he could take me home which reminded me that my car was still at school.
"You douche!" I said as I thumped the back of Jake's head. "How the fuck am I supposed to get to school tomorrow?"
"I guess I'll have to take you then," he said turning back and winking at me while I simply slapped his back.
"Let's go," I said and we were speeding off to my house.
"See you tomorrow," Jake said smirking at me playfully.
"Yeah yeah," I said waving my hand above my head as I walked inside.
I quickly showered and changed into a tank and shorts, heading to bed. I needed rest after this emotionally tiring day. I put my headphones in and laid in bed, listening to music, trying to drift off to sleep, but I wasn't that lucky. I didn't know how long I had just laid there.
I was brought out of my trance why a tap. Then another. And another.
"What the...?" I said, getting up, putting my flip flops on and walking over to the source of the noise. I opened my window to find the greek Adonis himself.
AN- Okay sorry this took like a week to get up and im sorry. and WOW, a whole load more people reviewed! I should be all depressed more often huh ;)?
Well i actually have the next chapter written so review and it'll go up quick ;)
Check out the outfits and chapter art.
Ciao and well i DO like to leave you on cliff hanger, aren't i evil? ;) Oh and happy birthday to Lydia Falzon Lowther!
Review and check out the art xD Up on my profile (: