A/N: Edward's Journal's are not always a match to the saga. They take into account when he was alone, when the need to purge himself would overtake him, and when he would have the time to write.
Tonight, I am unsettled. I can see no apparent cause, no discernable event that has changed; days pass, night passes, in endless progression. What has my mind so shaken?
A new phrase came to me tonight as I watched Jasper and Alice huddle close and share a moment. I haven't concluded that this will become a melody; the phrase is melancholy and sure to invoke Esme's unnecessary concern for my well being. She is so dear.
The woman who gave birth to me haunts the edges of my memory, but cannot enter my reverie. Esme is mother now; how fortunate am I to have two women who have loved me as their son. I can never doubt a mother's love with such a steadfast mother as I have. I must compose something new for her, something that lifts her and does not reveal my inner tumult…
Perhaps I should run tonight. The rush of the wind always soothes me. Though I don't tire, the exertion is so welcome. For the briefest of moments, I am master of the earth and yet vulnerable to its elements. It's quite pleasant.
How must it feel to lie in the soil, as you life drains away from you?
It's hard to recognize that humanity within that once possessed me, that desire to fight. I was led by some emotion to join in our country's arms against the Germans. And my mother's heart, the promise of my life could not hold me against that need to defend our lives against our aggressors. Had the influenza not overtaken me, I would have marched off to war. I've all but forgotten the motivation to fight: was it honor? Courage? The need to prove myself a man?
Certainly, fighting now is possible, simple, guaranteed successful. Those human concerns have fallen away from me, an old husk of my now marble core. I do not doubt my strength now. How must it feel to be afraid?
The night birds sing in the trees. This little melody grows, impatient and persistent. Where are you taking me?