Solely done to make me laugh.
Full credit and a belated apology must go to H. E. Grey, as inspiration and quotes were unknowingly used from her story, Things Team 19 Are No Longer Allowed to Do.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing at all.
The mutant rat and father of four mutant turtles was at his wits end. He paced the inside of his room, gnawing his bottom lip in distress. He loved his sons. He'd die for his sons. But sometimes, remembering that was all that stopped him from killing them out of pure exasperation.
A huge crash suddenly sounded from the kitchen, followed by billows of smoke. Splinter twitched as he heard Raphael shouting about Casey's horrible idea and at Michelangelo for tampering with the ingredients.
That was it. He couldn't take anymore! He had to do something to restore order and harmony in his home. There were rules clearly understood since childhood, and for the most part, they were obeyed. But what had been happening lately, this was well outside those boundaries. New ones had to be created, surely that would help.
Splinter sat down at his desk and reached for pen and paper.
Splinter's Rules for the Lair
1. Michelangelo is banned from any missions involving cats. Ever. Just because you're curious whether a cat really will always land on its feet, doesn't mean you can drop it off the Empire Stat Building. Raphael, Donatello, stop encouraging him.
2. No, Raphael, it is not funny to attack the NYC Police headquarters with paint balls.
3. Which ever one of you stole Splinter's kimono, congratulations on your stealth skills. Now give it back – he's supposed to be smacking down the Shredder tomorrow.
4. Screaming "ARGH, THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING!" will not endear you to your brothers, Michelangelo. Especially not if you actually sound convincing.
5. Leonardo does not have a stick that needs to be removed from a certain place. Nor does he appreciate graffiti plastered over the walls of his room informing him of such.
6. Whoever stole all of Agent Bishop's underwear to sell on the black market, give it back to him. He's paranoid enough without his belongings going missing.
7. If any of you find ancient talismans, amulets, statues, or scrolls only mentioned in ancient legends, involving some sort of "savior", the "protection of mankind" and "big, out-of-control flying lizards that breathe fire and destroy any buildings within a five mile radius of where they were summoned," don't buy them. Even if the creepy old man you bought it off tells you it's a good idea.
8. Raphael is banned from making, buying, touching and coming within ten metres of any explosive device. We needed that building.
9. Farmyard animals are not meant to be used in that way. For the sake of our minds, get them out.
10. Mikey, stop addressing Splinter as your "Pimpmasta". Especially when you're in front of Casey. We've already got one complaint of pedophilia in.
11. Painting on fake wounds and pretending to die on the living room floor endears you to no one. Especially not the person who has to mop up the fake blood.
12. The toaster does not have AIDs. Stop telling people it does.
13. Demonic rituals are prohibited inside city limits. Besides that, what do you really think dancing around a bonfire naked is going to do? Don't answer that.
14. Your pet squirrel does not outrank Leonardo, and is not entitled to alter your mission orders. Don't even go there.
15. We don't know why, at the age of twenty, Casey, you are still incapable of cooking yourself a meal. Nor are we interested. Just know that you are banned from the kitchen forever.
16. Sewer Tunnel 48 is not intended to be used for drunken raves. Stop using it that way. The same applies to all other Sewer Tunnels. And The Foot Clan's Headquarters, the Purple Dragons' Warehouse, and Saki Building.
17. For the last time, no one is allowed to declare other people members of Team Jacob or Team Edward 'to increase the number of members of the cult'.....and for the record, Splinter is firmly Team Switzerland.
18. Maniacal cackling and all other forms of evil laughter are hereby prohibited during any sort of power-outage. Leonardo is paranoid enough as it is.
19. You are no longer allowed to sing crude sex songs while on guard duty, Raphael – on second thoughts, none of you are allowed to sing at all while on duty. Also, as far as any of you are concerned, there are no such thing as limericks.
20. Shouting out "It's morphin' time!" in the middle of battle will not do anything. Nor will shouting out "Black Ranger Power!" (But if it ever does, immediately cease and desist, as this is copyright infringement and Bandai has some f'cking mean lawyers.)
21. Inflatable farmyard animals are no longer allowed in the Lair, any Sewer Tunnels, April's apartment building, or the police station. Casey's pad, however, is fine.
22. Nor are real farmyard animals. (See also: Rule #9)
23. For the last time, none of you are Sailor Moon.
24. Leonardo's ultimate weakness is not porn, and he will not fall dead if you keep on sending him adult graphic novels. We don't know how you got the Purple Dragons to believe that, but we would advise you disillusion them rapidly.
25. Your "Sexy Dance" is not appropriate while on patrol, Michelangelo. Even if you've got a theme tune.