The Last Entry

Carlisle, my steadfast friend, my brother, my father, I have left this for you so that you might know my love for you in my final hours, and understand my reasons – or lack of reason – that has brought me to this place and time.

I have long understood your loneliness. I cannot say I have always shared that grief, but I knew how it twisted and tortured your soul. I cannot fathom the years you walked alone, silent and yearning. Your compassion is a mark of your mettle; a lesser man would have turned to grief and despair, overwhelmed.

I am that lesser man.

She is gone, Carlisle! She walks with the angels now, appropriately, appurtenant to the beauty of her soul. My only salvation, if there is one at all, is to know that she is now safe, beyond the reach of my selfishness and obsession.

I will leave this world at the hands of the Volturi. You will not be able to intercede, although I know that you will feel moved to do so; I invoke these forces to take my life. I will die, resting finally in ash.

I pray that you will know how I have trusted and treasured your friendship, and the love you and your wife have given me. I regret that I cannot leave you something as beautiful and estimable as you both have given me. Hear me, father, friend: You must never, never lament the change you struck in me. I have yearned for deliverance from this thirst; I have hungered for a mortality that would never return. This is true. But the metamorphosis you gave to me gave me her.

How I wish you could see my mind now, my friend.

Until she breathed, I was certain my thirst was the strongest pull in the universe. How could I know the true metamorphosis she would bring? She loosed my spirit amongst the stars and planets; her soul brought life to my frozen existence. Her warmth lit my moonless night, shining brighter, stronger and more compellingly than any force I had ever known. I would never have known this, but for you. There are no words strong enough, no expression deep enough to express my gratitude.

God has always been a Presence for you, and now, I shall test His presence in me. If God does indeed see some spark of soul in me, if He can find any goodness in this black and still heart, I pray that the vision of love, as you have told, is granted me in pity before I lay in ash. I pray that this is true; I will that this is true…

Please give my love to the family. Begrudge me not my death; know that I love you and do not regret the act I take today.

She sleeps.

Has there ever been a woman more beautiful than Bella? At long last, I can say her name. Bella, Bella… Bella. Her very name bespeaks her shape: beautiful.

Watching the rise and fall of her chest, the exhalation of her breath, the uptake of air, I am awestruck by the very essence of her. My savior, my salvation, my delivery from despair… Bella. Bella love.

I am fulfilled watching over her as she sleeps. Her strength defies description! Though human (absolutely and consummately so!) her will reigned over her need for rest. Stubborn, no… steadfast.

Her delicate eyelids flutter.

I must come to grips with the truth of the night. While she has rescued me - again! How is that possible? – yes, she has saved me once again but this does not ensure that I am welcomed in her world. Her heart is of sweeter stuff; she would never knowingly allow a friend to suffer.

I must accept that Bella – please no – may not… want me. Time moves so swiftly among her kind; she may have found joy and release in a life less riddled with nearly insurmountable perils. She cannot stand as an island in a stream, cold and unmoving, as I can…

I love her. I love her beyond reason, beyond time, beyond consequence. If she has moved on, then so be it. Though the agony of her absence in my arms will torture me, I will gladly endure it for her. She may not know this, but I feel it deeply in my bones, as deeply as my love for her: she is mine and I am hers, now, forever, always. No matter where I stand, I stand for her. No matter what the cost, I will pay it for her.

For her, always for her.

This must be the world of her choosing.

But for now, as a small melody returns to me unbidden, she sleeps, and I will watch over her as she sleeps and wait, with hope…