THE PINK SHIRT FILES
CHAPTER 4.2 WHAT TO DO WITH A DRUNKEN QUATRE
AN: Hey guys! Here's the second part of chapter four! I've got a few other fics swimming around in my head I want to type up sometime, plus this is the SECOND fic I've put on ff.net all day! I'm obsessed! Ah well, I'm back at school tomorrow so *dies* the next chapter might be a while. Well, enjoy!
"Quatre, get down from there! Wufei cried to the drunken Sandrock pilot, who was currently swinging from a chandelier in the dining room, canister in hand.
"My pal alcohol!" Came the slurred reply between fits of giggles.
"" (Just put the drink down and get off the chandelier before anyone gets hurt.) Trowa coaxed, as though trying to approach either an untamed beast or a mad man (both of which Quatre seemed to be an interesting combination of in his current state).
"Wheee!" Quatre squealed, before losing his grip on the light fitting and plummeting twelve feet to the floor. Trowa and Wufei ran to see if he was alright, but he quickly righted himself, and started running in the opposite direction. Not taking into account that there was a wall in his way. The other two pilots looked on in horror as he ran on all fours in circles around the room (occasionally running head-first into walls), before they decided upon a course of action- running out of the room at top speed and locking the double doors behind them. (Thankfully, there was only one exit.)
"Alright, I bought you the television, VCR, DVD player, Playstation AND console, now give me back my laptop!!" A rather irate Heero Yuy scowled at the smirking God of Death.
"Mmmmmmmmmm nah." Came the reply, as Duo stretched out in his bed. The perfect soldier glared. "Not until you get me a fruit cocktail, a bag of chips, pretzels, Tim Tams, two chocolate milkshakes, some noodles and an ice cream with some thingies in it."
"THEN you'll give me my laptop back?" Heero growled, eye twitching.
"Only if there's lots of thingies in the ice cream."
"Yeah, you know- smooshed up biscuits, chocolate sprinkles, cherries yummy stuff!"
The Wing pilot muttered something about death threats and braided bakas as he left the room to fetch the requested items.
"" (Great plan, Wufei.) Trowa muttered, as they guarded the door to the dining room.
"Hey, it was your booze that did this!" Came the angry reply. Both pilots listened to the maniacal giggling and constant thumping noises that echoed from behind the doors (which the two pilots were leaning against to keep Quatre from breaking out).
"What's with all the racket?!" Heero grumbled, making his way over to his two comrades on his way back from the nearby kitchen. He was struggling to hold all the food that Duo had ordered him to get, and it seemed his arms would buckle at any given moment.
"Trowa got Quatre drunk." Wufei grumbled.
"! !" (I did not! It was your idea!)
"Alright, alright." Heero sighed, letting his bounty fall from his arms in order to put his hands down his Spandex. Wufei and Trowa shrank back in disgust.
"Please, Yuy, wait until you get to your bedroom!" Nataku's worshipper pleaded as 01 groped, prodded and generally searched his oh-so-tight shorts.
"A-ha, found it!" He finally said, pulling out a big, shiny bazooka out of aforementioned oh-so-tight shorts.
"?" (What the hell is that?) Trowa asked, raising a hidden eyebrow. Heero said nothing, but shoved the two puzzled pilots away from the door, and opened it. Almost immediately, a bruised, drooling, messy-haired Quatre was in his face.
"Where is Heero with my munchies already?!" Duo mumbled to himself, flipping through the 100, 876 channels that were available on cable. None of them took his fancy. Just then, Shinigami heard a loud commotion coming from downstairs (not to mention various squawks, squeals and Japanese cussing). Considering he was starting to feel a little better after the aspirin he had taken earlier (the marvels of AC technology), he decided to go and investigate.
Heero finally had Quatre cornered. There was no way he could escape. Lining up the end of the bazooka, he eased back on the trigger and fired. Wufei and Trowa gasped in horror as the blonde fell to the ground in a heap.
"..!" (Heero! Why did you shoot him?!) Trowa cried in disbelief, running to his fallen friend.
"He he was so young." Wufei said, with big, watery chibi eyes. "HE NEVER EVEN GOT TO CALL SOMEONE AN ONNA OR STAB SOMEONE WITH A KATANA! IT'S SO UNFAIR!!"
"Don't get your gi in a knot, Wufei, it was only a tranquilliser." Heero said, replacing his bazooka back in his Spandex. "Give him two hours and he'll be fine. Throwing up all over the place with a mother of a hangover, but fine."
"HEY! Where's my munchies?!" Duo cried, marching into the dining room after being lost in the mansion for at least half an hour. His eyes quickly caught sight of the sleeping 04. "Hey, who killed Quatre?"
", " (He's not dead, he's just asleep.) Trowa pointed out.
"Oh. Okay." Pause. "Can we throw stuff at him?"
"NO!" Wufei and Heero commented at the same time.
". , " (Well, it might be kind of fun-)
"" (Fine. Ignore the clown. Some people)
Whilst Trowa and Duo assigned themselves to, as they put it, keep an eye on the blonde' (you just know this is gonna turn out bad, right?), Heero snuck into Duo's bedroom. Cautiously, he found the little machine that Duo had built that had stolen his laptop. Ever so discreetly, he pulled a plumbing wrench out of his Spandex and smashed the thing into itty-bitty pieces, before running off with his laptop to look up pornogr- I mean, missions on the internet.
Wufei busied himself with his chosen chore to help in Quatre's lessons in masculinity (almost forgotten about that, hadn't ya? ^_~)- rearranging the décor within the mansion. After all, frills and fluffy ducks were *SO* unmanly. To help, Heero, Trowa and Duo had all given him lists of how they personally wanted various rooms in the mansion to look . To assist with this task, Wufei had enlisted the help of the Maguanacs.
"Alright," he ordered to the group of Maguanacs in front of him and pointing to various groups of them, "I want you guys to take the bedrooms, you to take the living rooms, you, you and you to look after the study and the library, and the rest of you take whatever's left." The group saluted, then dashed off to their assigned posts. "Oh, and one more thing." Everyone paused to look at Wufei- a dark look spread across his features and his dark, ebony eyes glinting in fear. "Whatever you do stay out of the dining room."
"Checkmate." Quatre declared, knocking his opponents pink chess-piece off the pink board they were playing on. Begrudgingly his opponent, a pink camel, admitted defeat. In case you can't tell, we're in Quatre's dream again (and this time, it's alcohol induced!).
All of a sudden, the pink camel started to change shape. Quatre looked on in both shock and curiosity as the animal finally assumed the shape of
"Oh no." 04 commented, his head falling into his hands in dispair.
"That's right," Lady Une announced, "I'm here in your dream. And I'm naked."
"Why me?!" The boy cried, feeling a nosebleed coming on.
"Hey! I'll have you know that most guys would be overjoyed to have me in their dreams!" The OZ official snapped, before getting a crafty look on her face. "Especially Treize. Ooo, I could sharpen his sword aaaaaaall day!"
"Ugh! Quatre, you idiot!" She growled, now covered in blood.
"Sorry." Came the hesitant reply, as Quatre tilted his head back and held a hanky to his nose.
"Alright, I'm just going to get this over and done with so I can go back to plotting against you guys." The brunette said, sitting up straight (which allowed Quatre to even more of a view than before). "I, like Noin, am here representing your feminine side. This whole masculinity thing you're going through? There's something you should know about it."
"Something that could change your idea about-"
"-becoming more man-"
"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!" Lady Une suddenly snapped. Quatre shrunk back as she leant forward over him (keeping in mind she's in her birthday suit). "I'm not going to try and talk any sense into you when those guys keep doing that!"
"Ugh! I'm out of here! Maybe if I hurry I can still get into Treize's dream."
"No, wait!" Quatre cried, desperate to hear what Une had been trying to tell him.
"Uhhh huh?" Quatre groggily stirred out of his sleep, only to find himself being thwapped by various breadrolls. His gaze shifted to Trowa and Duo, who were standing over him, throwing aforementioned food at him.
"Hey, he's awake!" Duo gasped, dropping his breadroll mid-throw.
"!!!" (RUN!!!) Trowa squawked. Before you could say pissed off Arabian rich guy', the pair was gone. Quatre was about to start chasing them, when the full effects of what he had drunk came crashing down on him like a tonne of bricks. Overcome by a wave of illness, he fell into unconsciousness, unaware of the eyeshadow and lipstick that Duo and Trowa had put all over his face.
When Quatre came to, he found himself lying in his king-sized bed. He was relieved to find that he was feeling a lot better (Heero had slipped him one of those spiffy AC aspirins that work in seconds).But as he looked around, he realised there was something different about the place. For one, all the cute plushies he had had around the place had been replaced by statues of dragons and katanas.
"Ugh how did I get into Wufei's room?" He asked to himself, not expecting an answer.
"You're not in my room." A voice beside him, obviously 05 himself, replied. He was sitting in a chair next to Quatre's bed.
"Huh? Then how come there's all those dragons and swords around?"
Wufei's eye twitched.
"They're not swords, Winner, they're KATANAS!!!"
"Besides which, this IS your room."
"I had the Maguanacs remodel the whole mansion so as to rid it of all that feminine air that was hanging over the place like a cloud of Nepalm."
"Well," Wufei leaned back in his chair, "Duo, Heero and Trowa helped a little."
" Let me guess. YOU," He pointed to Wufei, "re-designed my bedroom?"
The Chinese pilot nodded enthusiastically. Quatre sighed.
"I guess I'd better check out the rest of the damage."
Quatre tried to remain calm as he observed what tastes the other pilots had inflicted upon the mansion. The library, study and bathrooms were clean. Too clean- everything was painted beige, arranged neatly, and was encased in plastic (even the toilet). Everything was perfect to a startling and disturbing degree- obviously Heero's work.
A lot of the hallways and miscellaneous rooms were decorated with clown's masks, circus equipment (Quatre bonked his head on an overhanging set of trapeze in the middle of the recreation room), and various animals such as lions and elephants roaming around the place. At least Trowa had been kind enough to leave some of the frills and poofy décor alone- though most of this was because it was included in the show pony's costume.
All the bedrooms (save for any of the Gundam pilots rooms', and only if the occupants had been conscious at the time) had been turned into places that resembled Ancient China- there was even a mini Great Wall about a foot high that separated all ensuits from the bed area. Perfect for tripping on. Wufei was very proud of his work (though, let's face it, when isn't he?).
Quatre was now in the living room, surrounded by his fellow pilots. The black living room. Black carpet, black curtains, black walls
"Duo, did you design the living room?" He asked. The braided pilot nodded happily.
"Do you like the stained-glass windows and the scythes? Ooo, what about all the candles, do ya like them?"
The scared little Sandrock pilot stared at the mantelpiece.
"Are those REAL skulls?"
"Nah," Duo replied, "real ones were too expensive. I ended up getting plaster ones from Hardware House. Nifty, ne?"
"" (Nice job with the bats and cobwebs.) 03, ever the animal lover commented. Quatre shivered.
"Oh, and by the way," Wufei added, "we didn't get to do the dining room because well you know, so we're leaving that for another day."
"Are you saying the dining room's still untouched?"
The other four pilots nodded in unison. With newfound hope, Quatre dashed into the dining room like a bat out of Hell (with some of aforementioned animals trying to follow him from the living room), and barricaded himself in.
Quatre spent that night sleeping in the dining room.
With a confused shrug, all the pilots decided to turn in for the night. It had been a long day and they were all exhausted, resulting in them falling asleep as soon as their head hit the pillow.
A dark figure stealthily made its way into the kitchen and approached the refrigerator. Its face was lit up by the little light that came on when it opened the door of the device, and groped around for something to satisfy its hunger.
"Aw man, still out of pocky." It grumbled. "Just as long as I don't eat another one of those purple bananas though- that was gross! However this fuzzy purple apple doesn't look too bad"
"Hold it right there."
Duo was startled when the kitchen light was flicked on, revealing a gun-wielding Heero.
"Hey, Hee-man! What's up? Were you coming for a midnight snack too?"
"No," came the non-chalet reply. "I came to stop you from eating any more mouldy food. As long as I'm here, that mouldy apple will never see your stomach."
"MOULDY?!" Duo looked from the apple, to Heero. This was followed by a sudden glomping of the Japanese pilot. "Oh Heero, you saved me from eating another disgustingly over-ripe piece of fruit! How can I ever thank you?"
"How about you try not getting sick? After all, if you hadn't have eaten that purple banana you would never have been sick, would never have made that strange machine that stole my laptop, would never have been able to blackmail me and would never have been able to have an opportunity to find out that I look up pornogr- uh, I mean secret missions on the internet."
"Heero? Is that a sweatdrop?"
"No, I, uh I've been out in the rain and my hair is wet. That's all."
"Oh, okay then. Well, I'm not hungry anymore, so I'm going back to bed. G'night!"
As Heero watched Duo make his way back upstairs, he wondered if the braided boy would ever realise that it wasn't raining outside. Shrugging, he went back upstairs and pulled out his laptop for some late night pornogr- I mean, reading of missions.
~We're halfway through the fic! Will Quatre be able to find his manliness by the time this thing is set to finish? Will Duo ever get over being Goth? (I hope not! ^_^) Is it just me or are these chapters getting longer and longer, and was this the worst one yet? Stay tuned for the next episode of DragonBall Zeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Uh, I mean The Pink Shirt Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiles'!~