Mental suicide

AN: Well, I was inspired to write this one based on a prompt off of the infamous Star Trek XI Kink Meme. The meme is as follows (and is quite long):

Due to some mission related accident or what have you, Kirk loses a large chunk of his memory. Like, everything from mid-academy days to present. McCoy isn't sure how long it'll last, but since Jim still has all of his technical knowledge and whatever, he clears him for duty. Jimmy, of course, is having a wonderful time finding out about his many adventures, but after talking with a certain someone (*cough*) he begins to get the feeling that he's missing something. One day, he asks Spock a question. "Hey Spock?" "Yes, Captain?" "Were we in a relationship before, you know-?"

Spock has no idea what to say, wondering what led his captain to believe such an illogical (to his deep regret) thing. He should just tell the truth right away, say no, but for some reason, he can't. Spock lies. Jim feels regret for not remembering something so important, and makes an effort to 'continue' their 'past relationship', to see how he feels about it. Because, honestly, Spock is just drop-dead sexy. Weeks, months, whatever later, they're in a happy relationship, and Spock has fallen hard for Kirk. However, he feels guiltier every day for lying to his t'hy'la, and he thinks that if Kirk knew the truth, he would not only not feel obligated to love him, but he would be insanely pissed, and never talk to him again. Spock can't stand the idea of losing him, but he can't stand not telling him either.

Bonus points if Spock tries to tell him a couple of times, but Kirk does something endearing or romantic that makes him say 'never mind' or something, and tell himself 'just one more day, I'll tell him tomorrow'.

Warnings: Language, Sex (in later chapters), Slash K/S

Disclaimer: I don't own rights to the characters contained therein this work of fiction, nor do I make a profit.


"I must sincerely advise against this plan, Captain."

It was tense in the conference room. No one was willing to give an inch, but god knew Jim was going to take a mile.

"You say that, anticipating that I'll change my mind?" Jim asked crossly, frustrated from the constant disapproval he was receiving from his First Officer. They stared each other down briefly, silently. "Well you must know that I'm not."

"For the love of God, Jim, you can't be serious!" Bones shouted. There must be a black hole forming in the universe somewhere; Bones and Spock were on the same side of an argument. "We can't be sure that nothing will happed to you. We can't even be sure that you can even go to the surface of that planet."

"The readings were sufficient." Jim stated flatly. He was well aware of the usual circumstances of those readings, but he was still willing to try his luck. His blatant disregard for his own safety, coupled with his sense of adventure always got him into tough situations, but nevertheless, he managed to make it out alive, much to the worry and heartache of his crewmen and friends. But this mission was more than just Jim trying to cheat death and have a little fun. This mission involved the entire crew.

The deal had been if he went to the planet's surface and met with the leader and did what he was told, the entire crew of the Enterprise, himself included, would be spared. If he refused, they would all be killed. And it would be a cold day in Hell before Jim let anything come to harm his crew and his ship.

"Jim, those readings can't possibly be correct!"

"The doctor is right, Captain. The planet is not capable of sustaining life."

"The computer says that this damn spot right here can, and that's where I'm going, like it or not." Jim yelled, finally losing his patience.

"I must…"

"Shut up, Mr. Spock." Jim stated through clenched teeth, pushing past his First Officer and CMO.

Spock recoiled ever so slightly, and if McCoy hadn't been watching slyly, he could have sworn he saw worry on the hobgoblin's face.


"Energize, Mr. Scott." He stated briskly, walking into the transporter room, Spock and Bones right on his heels. He had already made his decision and their disagreement had no sway on him at this moment.

"Aye." His chief engineer answered reluctantly. He appeared to be stalling, and took just enough time to let Spock and McCoy enter the room.

"Goddammit, Jim. I can't let you do this." His friend's gruff voice was strained with buried concern. "How can we be sure they aren't going to kill you on sight, if the planet itself doesn't do the job."

"I said enough, dammit. I am not going to change my mind so get off it."

Bones' face fell. He knew that he wasn't going to win this argument. A battle of wills against James Tiberius Kirk was never won. The bastard was too damn stubborn. It was just a part of who he was, and why they loved him, even if it probably caused everyone heartburn from the worry.

Despite McCoy's concession, Spock still tried to deter his captain.

"Sir, I sincerely recommend we send someone else, I will volunteer myself, as I cannot allow you to do something so foolish."

"Not another word out of you." Jim snapped. He was running out of time, and standing here arguing with his CMO and First Officer was getting him nowhere but closer to the annihilation of the Enterprise and her crew. "Energize, Mr. Scott." He growled, enunciating each syllable.

"But…" The Scotsman voiced.

"That is an order."

Jim wordlessly stepped on to the transported pad, his eyes locking with McCoy, Spock and finally Scotty.

"Do you have to coordinates?" He stated, voice slightly calmer than before, but with a threatening tone advising against any further arguments.

"Aye, sir." Scotty placed the coordinates in. "Energizing." He was a little nervous. He glanced over to where McCoy and Spock were standing. Bones had those tell-tale lines that framed his mouth that appeared whenever he was worried. Spock however seemed as emotionless as usual. Both men had their eyes trained on their captain, unwavering.

Jim took a deep breath as the transporter started up, is eyes becoming blinded by the bright light. The last thing he remembered seeing in the transporter room were space black eyes slightly clouded with fear.


He glanced around quickly, noting that the vegetation was not unlike Earth and that the air was perfectly breathable. He scoffed to himself at the worry that had been eating at his two closest friends, but deep down, he had to admit that he was slightly afraid, but he knew what had to be done.

He grabbed his communicator and flipped it open, taking one last quick glance to see if there was any danger. Satisfied that he was alone, he tried to contact the Enterprise.

"Kirk to Enterprise." He stated. No response. "Kirk to Enterprise, come in Enterprise." Still no response.

"You will not be able to contact your ship until we determine that you may."

Jim turned around to come face to face with a man dressed purely in white, who's eyes had no iris. He couldn't help but stare, fascinated by the sight.

"We know quite a bit about you, James Tiberius Kirk." The figure stated, his voice fluid like water. Jim kept silent. "We know of the feat you have accomplished, of saving the Earth from Nero." Jim cringed at the name. "But we also know of your other characteristics; you're tendency to consume alcohol, your addiction to intercourse. You are quite an interesting being, James Kirk."

"What do you want?" Jim asked, unsure of what was going on.

"We would like to observe you."

"Observe me? What the Hell are you talking about?" Jim asked, eyes narrowing.

"Ah, confusion and fear." He figure stated, approaching Jim. "You humans are full of complex patterns of emotion." He titled his head slightly to the side as if he were examining a strange insect, captivating and beautiful, yet slightly repulsive at the same time. "We have formulated a theory about your race. We have found that you as a person are defined by your memories and your choices. What you call destiny is a never-ending chain of doors, and as you open one, another remains closed forever. We have observed from the alternate universe that you and your counterpart are significantly different, even though you are the same person."

"What does that have to do with why you have lured me down here and held me hostage?" Jim barked.

"We want to test our theory."

"And how do you plan to do that?"

"We are going to take away your memories and observe how James Tiberius Kirk is defined as a result."


"It will not be permanent. You're memories will returned to you when we have collected sufficient data."

"I decline."

"You do not have that option, unless you are willing to sacrifice your ship, James Kirk."

Jim's eyes widened in horror. He had no choice.

The figure approached steadily.

"This will not hurt you, James Kirk."


AN: And chapter one, ladies and gentlemen. The review whore begs for your words, please and thank you.

Also, if you haven't gotten around to checking out the anon Star Trek XI Kink Meme, google it. Some prompts will make you laugh, some will make you cringe, some will perhaps even inspire you.

It's not all sex, so check it out.