chapter 5. One day.

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

And I wished for things that I don't need
And what I chased won't set me free
And I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees

Sympathy- The goo goo dolls.

All my life I clung to logic, knowing I could never go wrong. With logic there was truth and consistency; everything I believed in was proven, I could never be hurt because I knew I would never be wrong.

I let go of my emotions, not wanting to be hurt anymore. I killed everything I used to believe in, and removed everything that was me and replaced the empty space with logic, pure logic.

I was afraid to feel anything that was not logical because I knew there was a chance of getting hurt. In protecting myself I blocked him out, because although I knew he would not hurt me, what I felt for him was not logical.

All I ever wanted was to forget the feelings. I wished for logic and assurance; I wished for everything that I didn't really need, but felt was a better choice.

But I can see now, that everything I though I wanted wont help me, everything I avoided won't make it any easier.

In the end it is harder, because by denying my self him, I denied myself a chance at true happiness, and I could have destroyed his hopes in the process.

Yes, I have learned the hard way that logic can hurt; it can hurt more than feeling ever did. Everything that is logical is not happy and everything that is logical is not right.

There are so many better things, things that go against logic, things that make it seem fake. There are greater things in this life like friendship and faith, things like what I want from him, and what he has been waiting for from me.

So now I must show him, show him how I feel and how sorry I truly am. I don't know how to repent quite yet, but I know one day I will show him, onday he will see, and one day everything will be ok.