A/N - I need to thank a wonderful co-author, tonnie2001969. Without our "round robins" many of these stories would not exist. Also, thanks to Kavi Leighanna & Sienna 27 for their wonderful TV Prompt Challenge Prompts. If you haven't already, please check it out. Again, I do not own Criminal Minds.
DRUNK AND DISORDERLY CONDUCT
PROMPT: DAWSON'S CREEK – "HIGH RISK BEHAVIOR"
David Rossi had been intoxicated before. He'd been drunk a time or two in the past, too. And on VERY rare occasions, he got shit faced.
And this was one of those few and far between times.
He knew this for many reasons. First, he couldn't feel his tongue or nose anymore. In fact, he hadn't felt so much as a twinge since Emily had poured the last round of scotch into his glass over an hour ago. For such a little girl, that woman could drink and curse like a sailor. He had to admit, he was impressed. Hotch had chosen a keeper the second time around. She got his full approval, not something he often granted.
Second, David Rossi was lost in his own house. Or what might as well have been his house, considering he spent eighteen hours a day here anymore, at least when they weren't in the field. Stumbling down the metal staircase into the bullpen, Dave glared over his shoulder at the steps. Freaking uneven steps!
Staggering down the darkened hallway, he tried to remember where the elevator was. It was here last time he checked, he muttered to himself, bracing a hand against the wall to steady himself. And that's when he heard his name being called by that sweet familiar voice.
"Rossi?" JJ called, standing in the doorway to her office. "What the hell are you doing?" she asked, her eyes traveling up and down his obviously wavering body.
"Trying to find the damn elevator. Shhhh! Don't let it know I'm looking! It'll move again!" he hissed, dragging a forefinger to his lips.
"I'm pretty sure it's the same place it always was," JJ sighed, beginning to move toward him as he sagged against the wall. Dealing with an obviously drunk Rossi was not exactly on her to-do list for the day, but apparently it had just been added.
"Tell the truth!" Dave growled. "You moved it didn't you!" he said, pointing accusingly at JJ.
"Beg pardon?" JJ said, fighting a smile at the unlikely sight just in front of her. Oh, she'd heard the stories about the great David Rossi and his tendency to over-imbibe, but she'd never actually gotten a birds-eye view before.
"I thought you liked me, JJ," Rossi sighed morosely, collapsing completely against the concrete wall as he waved his hand in front of his eyes. Damn spots. Always appearing at the most inconvenient moments.
"Only God knows why, but I do like you, Rossi," JJ said with the same tone that she used on her nieces when they pouted. Looking the world-famous profiler up and down once again, JJ pursed her lips as she said, shaking her head, "Any special reason you're looking for the missing elevator?"
"Huh?" Rossi asked, face scrunched in confusion as he blinked twice, trying to figure out which one of the JJ's was talking to him. Oh, good. They finally merged into one again.
"El..e…va..tor…." JJ said slowly, reaching out a quick hand to steady him as he started to lean farther and farther.
"Yeah! Thass it! Vator!" Rossi said with sudden brightness, his words starting to blend with each syllable. "Need vator to go home!"
"Oh, I don't think so," JJ said with a sudden shake of her blonde head. She could hear the headlines now. "World Famous FBI Profiler Three Sheets to the Wind While Driving Four Thousand Pound Vehicular Missile on the Beltway and Leading Local Cops on Merry Chase. Details at Eleven." And who would have to deal with the press? Jennifer Jareau. Oh, no, she thought. Not on her watch.
Pulling slightly at his arm, she said firmly as she sought to redirect his motions, "Come with me, David."
"Nuh uh," Dave said, tugging his arm back. "Gotta go. I've got someone waiting on me," he said indignantly.
"You can call her from my office," JJ said with a roll of her blue eyes. Whoever she was, she was gonna owe her for this.
"Who?" Dave asked, confused. Why did women always seem to speak in circles?
"The someone that you've got waiting on you," JJ groaned.
"Mudgie can't answer the phone," Rossi said, shaking his head. He added, whispering confidentially, leaning precariously toward her, "I was gonna try to teach him, you know, but he ate my phone. " Pressing a finger to his lips and missing his mouth, he said dramatically, "Shhhhh about that though, cause I told Garcia that I dropped it in my pond. Didn't want her doing surgery on my mutt to get the parts out, you know."
The dog. He was talking about his dog. Why did that thought send a thought send such an unexpected thrill through her? "The dog will be fine, Rossi. If he's got food and water, he'll be okay," she explained, reaching for his arm again. "Right now, we're going to sit you down before you fall down. Now, move."
"You're bossy," Dave griped, even as he allowed her to pull him away.
"Some men like that," JJ muttered, slowly easing him away from the wall.
"Only the ones that can't find their hands around your body with two hands," Dave humphed as he tried to stop the ringing in his ears.
Eyes widening at his words, JJ gasped, "Rossi, you're lit!"
"I am NOT a shit!" Dave retorted indignantly, completely mishearing. "I'm reformed!"
"Yeah, you LOOK real reformed right now," JJ grunted as he dropped a heavy arm around her shoulders.
"You know, you aren't as nice as you've got people fooled into thinking," Dave complained. "Sweet and unassuming, my ass!"
"You can call me whatever you want, Dave," JJ said, forcing him to put one foot in front of the other as she steered them down the darkened hallway, "But right now you and I are gonna find that nice couch in your office."
Balking suddenly, Rossi muttered, "Nuh uh. "
"Dave," JJ started patiently, tightening her grip on his sports jacket as he swayed, "It's just a few steps…."
"Don't say steps, JJ," Rossi said, clamping his hand tighter on her shoulder. Staring at her in drunken horror, he said, eyes wide, "Those steps hated me. Tried to kill me. They grew, JJ. Seriously!"
Biting back the grin that suddenly tried to escape again, JJ wondered if there was any way she could get this little fiasco on video, because she was certain this man was not going to remember a word of this in the morning. Patting his hand on her shoulder, she said sweetly, "I won't let the steps commit murder, Dave. How about we have a change of plans and find my couch instead?"
"'Kay!" Rossi said cheerfully, his mind no longer on the homicidal stair steps. Grinning loopily down at the blonde, he asked with wiggling eyebrows, "I've never been to your apartment, JJ. Damn shame, too!"
"Dave!" JJ rolled her eyes as she weaved side to side with him, turning him slowly in the opposite direction. "We're not going to my apartment. We're going to my office. There's a couch in there, remember?"
"You're no fun! I'm entertaining, especially when I have my alcohol," he said, happily lifting the bottle of scotch he'd had gripped in his hand for her to see.
"Uh, uh," JJ shook her head, reaching for the bottle he waved in front of her nose. "Give me that!" she snapped out, her eyes daring him to disobey. She could only imagine the havoc he could wreak if he managed to get the rest of that 80 proof out of the bottle and into his system.
"Heyyy!" he frowned, surprisingly managing to shift deftly out of her reach. "Hands off! This liquor is older than you are! I only bring it out for special occasions. And when I have to get Hotch drunk. Damn fool can only get whacked on the good shit! MY good shit! But I'm a good friend! I share!"
"Oh God! You got Hotch drunk?" JJ groaned, flashing a look over her shoulder toward the bullpen. Her worst fears had just been realized. The team's best known imbiber had managed to convert a few others to his way of life. Shaking her head, she reminded herself that she could only deal with one of them at a time, and the one she had right now was a doozy.