What I Want Is You: Chapter Two:
I could come up with a million reasons why this wasn't right. A million. I was always nothing except normal. I never saw myself as anything else. The only time I felt more than human, more than normal was when Edward looked at me. The only time I felt I was more than just a speck of human life was when he held me and looked at me as if I was the most important thing in the world to him. Not even my time spent with Renee or Charlie made me feel that way. Edward was the world to me.
At least that's how I always thought it would be. How could I think that it would be any other way? But it was, shockingly.
The moment I moved back to Forks and met Edward, I was sure that it was with him that I belonged. I was sure that I had found my place. He treated me with what I thought was understanding, made me feel, at the time that I was special. Not just a normal human to be killed and drained by the vampire race. He treated me as if I was treasure, not just food.
Edward, who blessed me with our beautiful daughter Renesmee, brought me the most happiness anyone could ask for. After I gave birth to Renesmee, the process nearly killing me, Edward saw he had no choice. As a vampire now, I have everything any woman could ask for. I have a beautiful, loving daughter, a family, a wonderful, handsome, intellectual and doting husband and forever to spend it with.
But something is wrong. It's not enough.
When Jacob Black, the werewolf, or wolf shape-shifter as our family found out and Edward challenged one another for me, I thought I had shown all the selfishness I could feel. And I was selfish. I couldn't stop wanting both of their presences in my life, no matter how much I hurt either of them. Jacob had been given a second chance at love while I was being changed by Edward.
Despite the fact that I don't have blood anymore the thought still makes me boil. Renesmee is my daughter. I had just given birth to her and Jacob had…..
I know I shouldn't think about it, unless I want to cause problems for the whole family. My daughter's happy after all. She loves Jacob. Even if she's not so much as four years old, she's growing into a young, beautiful sixteen year old girl even as I'm thinking about this. Ugh, that's another thing I have to think about. My daughter hasn't even spent an actual childhood with me. I give birth to her and the first thing that happens is her becoming the imprintee of some dismayed, pathetic wolf-shifter and I don't even have seven actual years to spend teaching her about the world.
I know how ungrateful I am. I know full well that I'm the most selfish, ungrateful person, whether a human or vampire that's ever existed. I never stop wanting, I know that as well. Even now when I have everything, I still want all the time there could be with my daughter. Given that I was turned into a vampire, I'm lucky I have a daughter at all.
But still it's not enough. All the time that I had with Edward, the human years and vampire years that were spent with him feels empty now. I had only thought I had had happiness with him.
I had the ideal life, even though I was a vampire and I still couldn't be satisfied. Edward, in my mind, three years ago was perfect, yet I want…..I want a thing like…her.
Despite any possibility of me being unhappy with Edward, wouldn't being with him be better than this? Wouldn't gaining happiness with Edward be far better than this? Than what I've been doing for almost four years now?
With Edward at least it's understandable. He actually has morals. This sadistic creature has none. She tortures both humans and vampires, drains humans, helps her power-hungry coven pillage other vampire covens and nearly did the same to my family four years ago.
Four years back when my daughter was first getting used to the world, learning the politics of the vampire world as a human newborn would learn the alphabet, first, even before that, learning the name of her family members and future husband. Strangely, no matter how much I think of Jacob in that light for my daughter, I still can't bring it to my mind without becoming disgusted.
But back to the issue at hand. This other, this deadly vampire had come along with the Volturi to destroy my family due to their paranoia. So certain that we Cullens would be a threat to their own coven, they took advantage of the rumor about an immortal child. Acting on paranoia, just so that they had an excuse to destroy what they believed to be a threat is heinous enough in my opinion, but for one of the Volturi to be sadistic and enjoy inflicting pain on her victims…I can't begin to say how sickening that is to me.
Despite how much of a hypocrite I am.
No matter how horrified I am, due to witnessing the Volturi's actions or heractions as a one of them, terrorizing covens into submission.
But even if I ever come to the realization that I lack morals due to having such feelings for her, it doesn't compare with how ashamed I am that I excuse myself and my actions with Edward's arrogance. Arrogance doesn't automatically trigger cheating on someone and actually, quite possibly even considering switching sides.
No matter how pious Edward acts, it doesn't give me the right to constantly cheat on him and endanger my family, including my own daughter. Yet I do. All the time. Every time she comes here…..
Edward…..he acted so superior…there were times when I wondered if I would actually be happy to see her torture him. That smug smile that came onto his face when he was sure that he was making the right decision for me. He somehow makes me feel uncomfortable, and yet I mistook it for love. But even so, whatever Edward's faults, I shouldn't be allowing her to touch me.
I shouldn't allow this to keep happening, but I always do. Always allow her hands to wander over me, always allow her to kiss my throat, holding it tightly so I can't move. She is what I never want to become, what I hate.
Yet I bend to her every time she's here.
She is beautiful, in her own innocently disturbing way. You would probably mistake her for an angel. She and her brother. The twins of torture. Treated horribly by their human village before being changed by Aro, the leader of the vampire world. Together they made the Volturi legendary for their merciless nature.
I always told myself that the Volturi were evil, and that they were power-hungry. But hearing what Jane tells me every time she's here, tells me about all the different Volturi members and what they're like when not watched by outsiders, I really start to wonder.
Jane has told me about the Volturi members. All of them. Every time she comes to Forks, evading the Cullen coven's surveillance and comes to me, knowing I will keep her presence a secret, she gives me bits and pieces of information about her Volturi family and their system.
With each time she approaches, with that coy smile and those intrusive intentions, she tells me about all of the Volturi. Visit by visit, I learn about how close Jane is with her fellow guards and "brothers," Afton, Felix and Demitri. I learn how much of softies several of the Volturi are when they aren't out condemning those that have broken the law. I almost feel light hearted when Jane tells me stories of how she and the other Volturi members act around each other when they're not being watched. I very nearly smile at the thought of Jane being picked up by Felix and tossed up and down like a big brother would do for a little sister.
The Volturi sounded close. I hated to admit it but they actually sounded closer than some members of my current Cullen family.
I watch Jane's dangerous red eyes soften as she speaks about her coven, thinking over each one of them as she describes them to me. With each Volturi member she tells me about, I find myself more and more surprised. I think to myself that I could never imagine Caius as a tolerant father or Corin, Afton and Chelsea as worrisome, loving siblings, or Demitri as a playful older brother or Heidi as a considerate, overprotective sister.
I had labeled each Volturi member in my mind before Jane's visits started, and these labels weren't flattering. I imagined Aro, Caius and Marcus as ruthless, manipulative warmongers. I had labeled Demitri as a cold hunter with no consideration for others. It didn't help that he was a tracker, similar to the psychotic James who had been the first vampire to ever try to prey on me. I had labeled Felix as a violent monster and Heidi as the bait for human tourists to come to the Volturi tower to meet their grizzly doom.
Hell knows I had plenty of grim ways of looking at Jane herself and her brother Alec. Jane told me herself what had almost happened to her and Alec, the hatred that the human race had cast upon them when they were so young. And that had been when the twins were still human, never mind any vampire powers added. I listen to everything Jane says whenever she comes here and my now undead, no longer beating heart hurts for her. To be mistreated by your own species sounds terrible.
As a vampire now my memories of my human life aren't as sharp as they used to be, but I remember how cruel the human children were towards me just because I was different and clumsy. Watch stupid and klutzy Bella swagger into the classroom. Yeah, that was me. I was just the laughingstock of human children in the Arizona, Phoenix kindergarten. I know very well how cruel humans can be. But the pain that I experienced couldn't come close to the pain that was inflicted on these two vampires while they were human. The prejudice that was held against them just because they were different and their mother died giving birth to them. They were hated for something that they couldn't help. Jane elaborated about how she and Alec were so roughly tied against wooden posts, watching in horror as the village people gathered dry bushels of hay at the twins' feet to burn.
Every moment I've experienced after she told me that, I've spent pondering to myself and clenching my fists together at the thought of their torment.
When Jane teased me, bothering me about the most annoying of things involving the Cullens, I just want to throttle her. Of course now that I'm a vampire I really can do that, I just would only want to temporarily. When I'd get to it, I know that I really wouldn't want to. And you know, wrong as our relationship is, as much aggravation as I feel when she teases me and sneers about the vegetarian lifestyle we have, it actually makes me feel endearment. The fact that it's Jane doing it to me and not Edward brings a thrill through me each time she arrives here that I'm worried I might end up revealing everything to my dear family.
We share things together, Jane and I. We talk about our different families. So when Jane heard that Emmett once tried to jump me as payback for beating him at arm wrestling, a quite frightening look came over her face as she growled at the thought. I calmed her down a little, as she grunted something about dismembering him when she had the chance. I still have to stop my laughter as I remember her look when I playfully asked what she was going to do, bite at Emmett's ankles.
Naturally, Jane scowled at me, her eyebrows narrowed.
I've also told her about Jacob and Renesmee. Jane's reactions were priceless. I still think about the roar that came from her mouth when I told her. There are still marks on the wooden floor of the cottage where she clawed it after she thought about their relationship. The only explanation I had for Edward when he asked me about the damaged floor was that I done it myself when I had had a "newborn vampire" moment.
I don't dare tell Jane that Jacob once forced me to kiss him. I can just imagine the results of that.
For some reason, the thought of Jane actually becoming murderous over my daughter being imprinted on as soon as she was born was somewhat charming to me. I told myself after Jane left that the reason for that mistaken reaction from me was because I was still bitter about it. Wouldn't every mother get disturbed at finding out that their daughter was claimed immediately after birth? By a man that is seventeen years older than the said newborn daughter no less.
I told and reassured myself that it was only rational how I was behaving whenever Jane came to me. I was still recovering from the transition between human and vampire and from seeing my only daughter fall in love with a wolf-shifter I used to have feelings for. It was disturbing enough that Jacob had forced me into a kiss once, but to think that that kind of person was who Renesmee was going to be relying on for the rest of her life…..I still am rather unnerved.
I've watched him with her as she experiences her "teenage years" in only actual four years and he seems under control. I desperately wish for my mind to go blank when I wander into thoughts about how he's going to act in the bedroom…..ugh, I can't even stomach that thought. It's a good thing vampires can't barf out their victims' blood, otherwise I'd be doing just that right now.
As for how I get around Edward's mind reading ability, it's simple. Edward isn't like Aro. Aro can see every memory you've ever had just by touching your hand. If I let my mental shield down, his powers would work for me too. However, Edward doesn't have the same power as Aro. Edward can only read current thoughts you think up. Only contemporary thoughts that come to one's mind, instead of seeing all your memories. Edward would not be able to see that Jane had continually come here without consent or warning. Furthermore, he couldn't possibly imagine what Jane and I had done together one these visits.
If Edward had the exact power Aro had, then Jane and I would have been caught a long time ago, so long as I let my mental shield down. Thankfully, I had married someone who was as capable of mind reading as a log is.
Ah, that was another issue here. My marriage to Edward. Jane, whenever she's here, occasionally glances at the ring on my finger that Edward bestowed on me after Victoria brought her newborn army. She says nothing when she does, but I get the feeling that if she kept staring at the ring, she would eventually growl hatefully. She has already made it beyond clear how much she despises Edward and my decision to marry him.
I recall her actually circling her pale fingers around the metal of the ring, and I couldn't help but wonder if she would have crushed the ring, were it not for the fact that it was on my finger. Again, the more disturbing aspect of this arrangement between the two of us is that I strictly now see her temper as an endearment, not a threat like I should. Everything about her seems to warm my dead heart. Even her creepiest moments I find no longer scare me. They only make me laugh nowadays.
Hmm, Edward always said I lacked self-preservation. Maybe that wasn't as hard to believe as before. Maybe I carried it with me to my next life as a vampire. What little sense I might have had as a human towards her is now gone. It might have something to do with me feeling so cocky with this shield of mine.
I'm not stupid when it comes to Jane's power, though. I don't under any circumstances want to feel it again. Yes, again. I actually asked Jane to use her power on me as I lowered my shield. What? I was curious.
I still can't help but smile at the thought of how Jane looked when I asked her to use her powers on me. I saw how worried she was. She could act as cold and tough as she wanted but nothing could hide the fear in her eyes when I asked her. I had wondered why she looked afraid for a few minutes. After all, her power wasn't physical, it couldn't actually hurt me literally. However, I came to the realization that Jane was afraid that I might become afraid of her after she used the power on me. That thought only makes my smile widen. She really was much more sensitive than she acted.
I promised her I could never be afraid of her, no matter what pain she put me through.
I could have sworn after I told her that, that I saw a hopeful look in her eyes, but even now, with my perfect vampire memory, I can't be sure. I know that she hopes to gain my affections, quite possibly even my love, but I'm not a mind reader like Edward or Aro. I can't tell what she's thinking. And a part of me is really grateful for that.
Somehow I have the feeling her mind would be a scary thing to read.
I let my shield down and as soon as I did, I felt Jane's gift seep into me mentally. Oh god, I can't begin to tell you how painful it was. I was on the ground writhing, a scream nearly being ripped from me, that is till Jane stopped. Almost as soon as the pain had come, it had gone and I was left looking in confusion at a vampire that seemed like she was about to burst into tears if that was possible for our species.
Her words still make me feel more pain than that gift she has did.
"Don't ask me to do that ever again, Bella." She had said, agony in her eyes. Due to her request, I never asked her to use her gift on me again. Still, her pain shocks me. Do I really mean that much to her? I had lived throughout the vampire world for four years, six if you want to include the two I spent as a human with the knowledge that vampires existed, and yet never have I ever seen one outside of Edward, Alice and Esme look at me with such a torn expression.
Jane…..I knew I meant something special to her, but I just didn't know how deeply she felt for me. I suspected it, but not to this level. And there are times when I seriously wonder what she is willing to do for me in comparison to what Edward has done.
I know Edward loves me. I know, in his own strangely obsessive way he does. But the question I have now, is will that be enough for me anymore? And that brings me back to my selfishness. I'm truly a selfish monster. I've known that for a long time. Ever since I first got involved with Jacob after the Cullens left after my birthday, I've known full well how selfish I am. What's happened for four years has only confirmed the fear I have of how inconsiderate I've been.
It's not enough that I have a loving husband, a great family and a beautiful daughter and being a beautiful immortal, but I have to have Jane's devotion as well?
Today, as I watch my vampire family talk, laughing playfully as they discuss the events of entering yet another school semester tomorrow. I find myself unable to prevent my joy from coming out in powerful waves, and I'm more than sure that Jasper can feel it. My blond older brother looked over his shoulder at me and smirked. Yep, Jasper had felt that. I'm happy here with my family. I shouldn't think otherwise.
I've been able to hid Jane's visits surprisingly easily.
Edward can only read the thoughts that I allow him to read. Jasper feels my emotions but he doesn't know the reason behind the emotions. Now Alice, she is the problem. I had to think up a bunch of different random scenarios so that Alice would see the wrong thing instead of me meeting up with Jane every time she came around. A part of me still wonders if Alice really knows nothing.
There are times when Alice looks at me knowingly but says nothing. She just watches me calmly, but not a word comes from her mouth when she does this. I know Alice loves me like she does the rest of her family. I'm her beloved sister, and she wouldn't do anything to hurt me or endanger me, yet I know how it would kill her if she ever actually found out that I was unfaithful to her brother.
I still occasionally feel her looking at me, still not saying a word about what I suspect she's seen. I wonder, just how much could I mean to her if she's willing to keep her mouth and mind closed to Edward? She's willing to keep this a secret, despite how much time she's spent with Edward and the rest of the family for a number of decades. I can't begin to tell her how grateful I am to her for that.
I realize within these moments of contemplation that whatever I do with Jane, it will probably be forgiven. Still, it doesn't stop the wrenching pain I feel every time I lie to Carlisle and Esme that I love Edward, or the guilt that comes with laughing at Edward with Emmett whenever the two of us play a prank on him, and it feels like I'm doing more than just pulling a prank on him as I think of my activities with Jane.
It still seems like the most disgusting thing imaginable. After everything Edward and I have been through together, I bend to Jane. After surviving James's attack, Edward leaving, the Volturi almost killing us and Alice, Victoria raising her newborn army, me almost dying while giving birth to Renesmee, and the Volturi almost killing us again, that I would be so disloyal to him, after everything he's been ready to sacrifice for me.
And what would Renesmee think if she ever were to find out what exactly her mommy and the "mean Volturi lady," as she calls Jane, do together? How terrible would that be for her? To find out that her beloved parents aren't really happy together….or rather that her mother isn't happy with her father? How much of a trauma will it be if she finds out that her mother is having sex with one of the vampires that tried to murder her four years ago?
She was so afraid for her family when the Volturi came. The memory of her looking at us fearfully when Aro entered the house to look at her still fills me with dread. Never will I want that man within a 7000 mile radius of my daughter ever again. Aro is a psychopath. That I'm sure of. And Jane? How was she much more sane than Aro? Actually, she isn't at all, which makes what I'm doing all the more lowly.
The Volturi had come with the intention of killing us all, if not controlling us in the end. Who knows what the result would have been for Renesmee if they had gotten their hands on her. Jane's intentions were not different from the rest of theirs. If it weren't for the fact that Renesmee was capable of projecting images of her memories into others' minds, and as a result Aro realized what exactly she was, they would have killed her. Again, Jane would have been no different. She would have been right there committing the slaughter along with the rest of them.
I could never love a monster like her. How could I when I had a deep and good man like Edward?
I knew how hard it was for him when he consented to my pleas that he change me into a vampire, how much it went against his beliefs and religion. I saw that I caused him pain because he thought he was dooming my soul, but I didn't care. I loved him enough to make myself a vampire for him…but he didn't love me enough to change me into a vampire without me doing what he wanted first.
It's come to a point where I'm not sure how much longer I can love him. Now it seems as if I don't care how much I'm going to hurt him. All that appears to matter to me is Jane. Jane is the one that has given me everything without question. I know that if I had asked Jane when I was human to change me into a vampire, she'd do it in less than a second. She wouldn't agonize over it again and again like Edward always did.
Jane is an evil vampire, there's no way around that fact. Edward might as well have invented some of the morals that people believe nowadays, he's so pious. Yet, despite all of their obvious differences, I find myself constantly comparing. And wondering just how much of a better deal exactly did I get by being with Edward? I know how dark Jane is, I know, but I really ponder if that's enough reason to stay away from her. I know what her feelings are for me. No matter how much I deny it, I know how she feels about me. It brings me back to a question of whether or not pure evil can love. But then there's a question that I never thought about. Can pure good love either?
Edward was so absorbed in his beliefs and deluding himself into thinking me innocent that he never thought about what I wanted. So that brings about a question: did he even love me in the first place?
No matter what reasoning or pleading I displayed to my so called love, Edward always, in his arrogant fashion kept me from what I wanted. What exactly he accomplished in his self righteous beliefs, I'll never know, but I've come to wonder at the end now if it was worth it. The family that I'm with now of course is worth it, and Jane is….Jane is worth it, but is Edward?
I had thought my life started when I met Edward. I'm more than sure now that I was wrong. No, I now love the darker one of the witch twins. Whether I like it or not, I do truly love Jane. I felt pain for what happened to Jane and her brother while they were still human at the hands of the villagers. That was reasonable, it was a descent thing to feel for her. But the extent of which I was hating those that tried to murder her was almost unbelievable.
It was too much, even for me.
That's when I knew….
When we first truly confronted each other on the battlefield, or more appropriately, the Cullens' property, with her alongside the Volturi and me with the Cullen coven and the rest of the vampires from around the world after my daughter was born, I had first suspected what my feelings for her were. And what the intensity of them was like.
The look in her blood red eyes when she first saw me as a newborn was amazing. She looked as if she was seeing a completely different creature from a vampire. I sometimes wonder if she still sees me that way, even as we intimately get to know one another. I recall, and still chuckle at her expressions when I told her about all the mishaps my mother, Renee caused in the kitchen, how hair brained she was.
When I told her all of this, Jane, at the end actually smiled.
I had seen her smile before, just not like this. I had seen that cruel smirk as she tortured her victims, the evil glinting in her eyes as she relished their pain. The smile that I was bestowed me with, was not anything like that. It was a real smile. One that I found softened me.
I tell myself over and over again, deny that Jane has come to mean so much to me, but in the end I know it's for naught. Jane might really be one of the few vampires besides Renesmee, Carlisle, Esme, Alice and the family that have ever meant anything to me. And do you know the worst part? When she tells me things about the Volturi, how much they care about each other, despite what the Cullens have told me about them, I almost feel tempted to join them.
Not that it would be the first time. When I first met Jane and the rest of the Volturi, when Edward tried to kill himself, that was the first time I actually considered treachery to the Cullens. Aro offered me a place in his guard, and I seriously entertained the possibility. At that moment, I felt all vampire eyes, including Alice's and Edward's on me, and I had considered. When I thought about it, why not? Why shouldn't I leave the Cullen family? They had left me after all.
And given the way Jane had looked at me, even then when we first met, I see now that I didn't have much other reason to refuse.
Even now, Jane whispers things to me during her visits. Trying to entice me and get me to join her coven. Her words unsettling me more and more with each visit.
"Just think what we could be together," She says to me heatedly as she pins me to a moss covered tree, her hands dangerously close to my thighs, "Just think about what your place could be in the Volturi ranks. We would all see you with the utmost respect. You would be Felix, Demitri, Afton, Corin, Chelsea, Santiago, Heidi, and everyone else's sister. Aro, Marcus and even Caius would love to have you with us.
"Why bother refusing us when you could have everything? You could have a kingdom at your fingertips if you just joined us. And Jacob Black? You despise him because he imprinted on your daughter don't you? We, the Volturi will slaughter all of the wolves for you, including Jacob. Your daughter won't be claimed by anyone but you ever again, Bella, if you just join us. We could kill Jacob. My power would be at your fingertips as well if you became my mate."
That last two eerie parts of Jane's offer seems to affect me the most. Jacob Black killed? Now that would be tempting. Just thinking of the possibility of the creep that claimed my little girl as soon as she was born, protecting Renesmee's innocence seemed like such an appealing offer. I almost gave in right there at hearing that. Jacob Black, I knew was not to be trusted. He showed signs of being an aggressive, even abusive boyfriend and the fact that he literally claimed my daughter didn't help my impression of him. I almost gave in at the thought of ripping him apart. Almost.
But the second part of what she said was nearly worse to an extent.
What she said, "My power would be at your fingertips as well if you became my mate."
What Jane said might have been subtle under certain content, but I understood the meaning behind her words. If I became her mate, all I'd have to do is say the word and Jane would use her torturous powers at my command. And her power would be mine through her, so long as I became her mate. The thought both makes me curious and even more afraid.
The thought of Jane's power, that terrible gift at my disposal, the thought of Jane's evil gift being used indirectly under me was terrifying. How could I even consider…..and yet I did. I should be condemned for eternity just like Edward always thought I would be for so much as being tempted at the thought of what Jane offered. She is sadistic and immoral, and I might actually love her and want to use her powers? I'm truly a selfish, evil creature.
What's worse is that I've seen plenty of just what Jane can do with that power. I saw what she did to that poor newborn, Bree Tanner. Tortured her mercilessly and sadistically, and then had Felix murder her. They claimed that they were upholding the law, and yet a part of me knew that they were doing it just because they could. They just didn't care who was responsible.
I scowl at Jane around those times, saying nothing, but she knows, without having to have any mind reading powers what I'm thinking. And at seeing my scowl, she simply smirks in arrogance.
"I won't join you." Is the usual response I give, to restrain any further anger towards her and her coven.
"Of course you won't," Is what she states after I say this, behind smirking lips, "For now, anyway."
I tend to glare harder at her, or as hard as I can possibly glare, watching as she flits away, giggling in amusement while looking over her shoulder at me, grinning.
I tell myself whenever she leaves that I won that round, but the masochistic part of it is that I loathe myself even after I see her leave. I can't stand myself because despite everything, despite that Jane is a monster and her coven are power hungry and manipulative beasts that have no mercy, I realize that I don't care. All that matters is my own selfish desires.
Jane's even more arrogant than Edward, has less of a conscience than him, is sadistic and monstrous, almost pure evil, and in the end I know what I feel for her. In the end, I know that I feel for her, what I can never ever feel for Edward.
I love her.
Well, I'm not sure this chapter was quite as powerful as the previous one, but I'm hoping that it at least captured some of a Jane and Bella relationship.