Dark Angel Ficlet
Losing My Mind
By Liz Wyatt
Note: This falls somewhere after FN timeline. It's random, dark, and probably total OC. Sorry if it doesn't seem to make any sense at all either.
It's so hard to find you
I'm standing right behind you
The streets are much colder
This mean I'm getting older
Why would you? How could I?
These questions lead to goodbye
But now I got my freedom
Seems the woman that I love
Is someone that I hardly know
And after all this time
I finally found a way to be alone
I'm terrified to think that I may be losing my mind
She looks down on them. Down on her kingdom. The one they say she created. There were flashing lights from outside the gates. She wonders if they can see her this far away. It almost reminds her of sitting on the space needle. It almost reminds her of the life she left behind. These days it was hard to even have a life in this war. The war was her life. Everyone made to be a soldier. Every day she was made to be the leader. The lights slowed as she felt the weight in her pocket. It seared against the material covering her thigh.
She knew that her soldiers were down below listening to old music. The human's music. Had she really come to define herself as only a mutant? A freak?
The music bounced out against the cooling night air. She could just now see her breath forming clouds as it escaped her open mouth.
A few days ago had been the turning point.
Her Second in Command had challenged her authority. She had sent soldiers out to do their duty and support their little army. When only one came back they looked to her for answers. They looked to her for a new plan. All she could see however was the soldier in front of her. A young X7 with his eyes glazed over as she saw the horrors he had seen. She recognized the cold manticore shield that covered him as he realized she was staring at his blood-covered clothing. Her second followed her gaze and encouraged the boy to excuse himself.
Then her second called her out on the lapse in judgment for said mission. She had not sent the right mix of soldiers he claimed. Every ounce of her wanted to fight back. Her normal behavior would suggest such a confrontation; however, a voice began resounding in her head. This voice told her to do her duty. To be the best soldier. To fight the enemy. To sacrifice. Had she sacrificed her soldiers? No the voice fought back.
So she dropped it. She yelled at her second and escaped the main command center.
The voice would not let her go so easily. It berated her for not being her best. Not being good enough. A brother's face from long ago flashed behind her closed eyes. Zack. He had been chosen to lead their group. He was a commander. Until she killed him. Sure, he was technically still alive; however, he was not Zack. Nor could he ever be her leader again.
Maybe that's when she became the boss. She stepped into his void.
The voice told her she had not been chosen. That she couldn't even be strong enough to hold a gun to her opponent.
The music volume seemed to explode as another person pushed out the building's doors.
She saw familiar faces meeting on the ground below.
"Hey you seen Max?" Her second asked to the green mutant with a lit cigar hanging out of his mouth.
"Her highness is probably too above coming and celebrating with us lower beings." The green one said.
"Naw, she's not like that. She'd be here. I mean she suggested it."
"Did she? Seems to me you're running the show these days kid. Maybe I should be sticking by you more often. You know, if I could even stand to be around you X's"
"yeah yeah. We know you're the big bad commando. Ain't he sweet folks?" The younger man said to the cold night air.
"Hey, not my fault I'm special. Unlike you all. Still say we should have broken up and taken our chances. You all could still be living your precious fake humany lives." He inhaled more smoke and released it in rings.
"Max knew what she was doing. We need to stay together."
"yeah sure she does. Gone and got us all locked in. Bright idea." The transgenics didn't really feel like fighting anymore. They had seemingly had this conversation many times before.
The green one broke the silence again, "aren't you going to go celebrate that whole new years eve crap you all cooked up? I hear you get to kiss some lucky feline in a few minutes."
The X-series laughed. "I guess I do. If I wanted to."
"not going to get much of that out here boy. I can tell you that."
That gained a grin from both men.
She heard the laughter and it was like a knife to her heart. She'd raised this new version of her friend. Now here he was, so foreign to her. Everything changed that day when her friends were under siege.
Maybe she'd taken her life before for granted. Scanning down her darkened forearm, she noticed more runes suddenly appearing. Just her luck. Another reminder of how she failed.
The voice told her that she hadn't even been able to decipher the one thing that actually made her special. Made her important to the cause. That was why White had been fighting them. For the runes that suddenly liked to appear along her body.
She could take it no longer. The voice biting her down all the while.
Moving her hands, she unzipped her jacket and let it fall to the ground. She stood in her tank top against the cool breeze. Her hand scooted down to her hip as she slowly reached into her pocket and removed a weapon. More specifically one of HIS weapons. She was too pathetic to have her own the voice interjected.
As she held the gun out to inspect it, her hands shook from the cool air. She hadn't even felt the tears that had escaped her eyes as the cheering below increased.
"5 minutes" they roared.
The two transgenics below were laughing at their friends inside when small flakes of snow began to fall around them. It was a quiet and peaceful descent.
"oh hell, I'm not staying out here if it's going to snow. I'm strictly a heat kind of thing."
The X5 smiled and looked up to the sky as the snow flurried around them. He was smiling like a little kid, but he didn't care. That's when something caught his eye. A figure was on the rooftop above him. He used his enhanced sight to zoom above. He noticed it was his fearless leader. He frowned in confusion before seeing the gun she was holding and lifting towards her body. Without a second thought he blurred through the building and up to the rooftop. The snow was coming down a lot harder now and he'd wished he'd had a thicker coat, but that was the least of his worries now.
"Max! What the hell are you doing?" he yelled from behind her.
She jumped, having been so caught up in her own thoughts that she hadn't heard his approach. She shifted to face his direction, but stepped back closer to edge of the building.
"Ben?" she whispered.
His eyebrows furrowed. "Max, it's me. It's Alec." He began stepping towards her.
She closed her eyes for a moment. "Alec." She whispered again.
"yes, alec. Max, what…what is this?" he asked with a quickened heartbeat.
She opened her eyes to see his rigid form. Her hands were shaking once more; however, she wasn't sure if it was the cold or something else.
"you shouldn't be here." She stated.
"well I am. Question is, what are you doing up here?...and with my gun?" he began stepping towards her again. This time she basically jumped back.
"No! Don't!" she warned. The gun shaking out towards him. His hands went up in a defenseless manner.
"Maxie. Let's just put the gun down and figure this out."
"Figure this out? What is there to figure out?" she yelled.
"Well first off why you are up here alone when it's snowing. Why you have my gun would also be a good question."
The voice told her she had to do it. She had filled Zack's void, as Alec would be there to fill hers.
"No. God, shut up!" she yelled to the voice inside her head.
Alec looked even more confused as she gripped the sides of her head.
"No! Don't…don't call me that!" she shouted again.
"This is crazy. What are you doing?" he yelled back.
"Crazy…" she said while swaying on her feet. She turned her head toward the sky and the falling snow.
"All of us just end up crazy. Kill a bunch of priests but okay he can't be saved. Let's have Maxie kill him while we are at it. Yeah, that's fair. This is payback right? I mean I kill him so you bring him back to taunt me?" she waved the gun in the air towards Alec. "You want him to kill me. Well there you go he's going to kill me and replace me now. Universe solved. Max is the crazy clone. She's just like brother Ben."
"Max…this is…" he tried to find a different word than 'crazy'. "…ridiculous. Have you been drinking?"
Below them there rang out voices counting down the seconds until midnight.
"You know what Alec. I'm just tired." Her tears poured out again in anger.
"Just leave me alone. Just take these voices telling me to be the perfect soldier and shove it!
"You can have it. You can take it all. I give you the kingdom."
She raised the gun to her head.
"Max! No!" he ran toward her before she could pull the trigger. He ripped the gun out of her hand as she fell to the snow-covered rooftop.
He stood there with the gun peering down at her.
"Max…oh god. What?...I can't…you…" he had no real words to say.
She grabbed the sides of her head and began shaking her head. Her runes were appearing all over her arms in small glows against the dark night.
He threw the gun a good distance away and squatted down to her height.
She grabbed the collar of his shirt and he fell to a sitting position on his knees.
"Just kill me Alec. Please, his voice won't stop. Stop the voice in my head. Please." She begged.
"Max. I can't do that." He said with a saddened heart. His friend was losing it big time. He couldn't even try to contemplate how she'd come to this point.
"No…I can't become him Alec. I can't be Ben. You have to end it before that." She begged while looking into his eyes.
"You are not Ben." He stated. She shook her head in disagreement. He took her head in his hands. "No, you listen here. I don't know what the hell is going on, but I do know that you will NEVER become him. Do you know how important you are?"
She was hysterical now. So unMaxlike.
"Is it Ben's voice in your head Max?" he asked in all seriousness.
"No.." she cried out quietly.
He knew it then. He could recall the brainwashing he had undergone when he'd refused to kill Rachel. This was different though. Alec looked at the glowing Runes on Max's forearm and somehow knew that they were to blame in some form. Sure, he'd noticed she had been distancing herself from everyone ever since a mission went sideways and got one of their friends killed. Now he felt like shit. He'd come down on her and never thought anything of it. Here she was on New Year's trying to kill herself before dawn.
He would have lost her too.
The snow was surrounding their bodies. She was shivering and heaving with tears all at the same time.
His breathing was also rushed as he simply held her body to him.
"Maxie…god Max, you can't leave me.," he repeated over and over again against her sobs.
The voice didn't have anything to say to that.
A/N: I know this probably not some life changing amazing piece. Rather, it came from nostalgia for this show and these characters. I hardly spent time on this so honestly I don't expect you to love it. Yet it came to me one night for no reason at all. I had just watched Pollo Loco because I am introducing my best friend to the DVDs so I seemed to have Ben on the brain.
Thank you for taking the time to read it.