Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned from Watching Chuck

Author's note: This is a one-shot, but if you have ideas from other things learned from watching Chuck, feel free to leave them in the reviews!

by The Notorious JMG

25) No food service employee is quite as innocent as she seems. They might be spies, or assassins, or have douchebag organized crime related ex-boyfriends.

24) If a hot blonde starts hitting on you out of the blue, chances are she might have been sent to possibly kill you. Seriously, though. If you worked, say, at a Best Buy, for the Geek Squad, and a hot blonde walked up to you out of nowhere and started putting the moves on you, either 1) you're starring in a porn movie (unlikely), or 2) you've somehow come into possession of top secret government information and you're totally screwed (equally unlikely, but hey. It's always possible).

23) Do not drive a Toyota Yaris or a Toyota Matrix. Ever. After having seen a Yaris massacred by a Suburban, another Yaris commandeered by a lunatic twenty year-old and used to almost blow up Santa Monica, and a Matrix blow up in South Central L.A., I do believe I would be terrified to even approach one of those two vehicles.

22) When living with your older sister and her fiancé, do not inform her that you plan to move in with your best friend since childhood. It's basically the equivalent of walking up to God and saying, "I quit" – especially if you have a gorgeous girlfriend, who as far as your sister knows thinks that the Earth revolves around you.

21) Indie music is fun, but it is rarely an auditory aphrodisiac. Seriously. I have that Arcade Fire CD, and… no. Just, no.

20) Better the devil you know than the one you don't. If you've known the manager for a long time, and the assistant manager wants you to help him undermine the manager, don't do it. No matter what the assistant manager says his reasoning is.

19) The Internet is for porn. And occasionally, that very fact will save the life of the Supreme Commander of NATO.

18) If you leave something in the fridge long enough, one of your co-workers will eventually eat it. Two words: Mystery Crisper.

17) If your dad interrupts you when your girlfriend is trying to tell you something, TELL HIM TO WAIT. It doesn't matter who just got taken by the bad guys, your girlfriend is more important.

16) Never, ever underestimate the supposedly brick-headed doctor. After all, he got his M.D. somehow, didn't he?

15) No matter how alone you feel in life, there's always somebody who cares about you. Whether it's your estranged father or your cover boyfriend, don't write off their feelings of affection so fast.

14) When your girlfriend tells you to walk away and not look back, it's really for the best. Unless, of course, you WANT to have nightmares about watching her shoot somebody for the next two months.

13) Smoking will kill you if you're a bad guy. If, on the other hand, you're a Lieutenant Colonel who works for the NSA, feel free to tell off the smoking bad guy and then light up a stogie of your own.

12) It doesn't matter if you stay in the car or not, if you get left alone, you're basically screwed. As seen above, the car that you usually get left in is completely unsafe, and getting out of the car could get you nearly shish-kebab'd by an Icelandic assassin, or worse yet, kidnapped by Chevy Chase.

11) Never trust the bad guy to keep his or her word. Former Olympic gymnasts, delivery girls, Russian spies – it doesn't matter who they are, they will lie to you, and then try to kill you.

10) The Roan Montgomery is a foolproof move. And if when you try to put it to use, your girlfriend's douchebag ex is there, show a little backbone. Tell him to get the hell out, because there are pressing matters that do not require his attention.

9) Do NOT lie to girls who you like. Your lies will unravel, no matter if she's a CIA spy, a sandwich shop worker, or a biochemist, and then you'll be up the proverbial creek without a paddle.

8) It's not what you do with your life that matters, it's how you do it. It doesn't matter if you can't defeat the bad guy, or shoot a gun, or even confront trouble without doing "the Morgan" – if you fully and sincerely commit yourself, that's what counts. That's what makes people with jaded exteriors sit up, take notice, and maybe let you in a little bit.

7) Sometimes, the best way to get a friend out of trouble is to damage his calm. Even if your friend doesn't want it, sometimes tough love is the best way to get him to snap out of his funk, and be who he really is.

6) "Family" doesn't just mean "blood relation". Your family is who you want it to be, and if that includes a badass girl spy and a bearded troll, then so be it.

5) If your girlfriend brings an inedible dish to Thanksgiving dinner, you must still act like it's better than your crush's sweet potatoes. Seriously. It doesn't matter how concrete like the green bean casserole is – if you go bonkers for the sweet potatoes, you will not be getting any that night. In fact, you will probably be walking home.

4) Have faith in the people who are supposed to keep you safe. You might think that the cranky one wants to kill you, but the reality is that his loyalty is unwavering.

3) When engaging in thrilling heroics, make sure that your girlfriend knows you're okay. If a car blows up and she thinks you're in it, you deserve to get slapped. If you DON'T get slapped, consider yourself damn lucky.

2) No matter what your handler/cover girlfriend might say, the truth of the matter is that if she acts like she's in love with you, she probably is. So if it seems like she might want something more than she's allowed herself so far, do NOT take her out to the courtyard fountain and stomp on her heart.

And above all else…

1) Do NOT allow Jeffster to play at your wedding. Unless, of course, you WANT Sam Kinison and an Indian lesbian to ruin your wedding day.

The end.