Author's Notes- I don't mean this against anyone or any particular preference of anybody's. I'm just here for some affectionate parody. Except against you. Yes, you. You know who you are. (I'm kidding of course… or am I?)
There was a letter on the doorstep, and Lelouch Lamperouge's very first thought was Why didn't they just knock?
It might have been the post man, of course… but civil servants weren't generally assigned to drop packages off to the Japanese mountain ranges.
As a rule, Lelouch did not like getting mail from people- dead men really shouldn't be getting mail to begin with, and a former emperor in hiding that was hated by about ninety-nine point nine percent of the human population wasn't either.
But somehow, people kept finding him.
He was clearly doing a very shitty job of hiding.
"We're going to have to move again," Lelouch said aloud, sounding annoyed as he stomped back into the small cottage, absently grabbing the letter opener of the counter (the paradox of having a letter opener if one did not want letters was lost on him) and planting himself down on the nearest chair at the small, modest kitchen table.
"Another letter?" C.C. asked amusedly, sweeping into the kitchen with an amused look. She wore a simple sundress today, and was munching, as always, on a pizza. "I guess they must have paid the Pizza Hut delivery man to drop it on our doorstep."
"I blame you for this," Lelouch muttered, rolling his eyes. Absently, he reached for a plate of cookies he had made earlier, and started to nibble on one. "We could just buy frozen pizzas and avoid leaving a trail for people to find us."
"I settled for frozen while you were off playing homoerotic games for a year with that fake brother of yours," C.C. said cuttingly, narrowing her eyes as she finished off the last of her pizza. "I won't ever do that again."
To that, Lelouch had no adequate comeback, so he settled for slicing open the letter and unfolding it out to read.
"So, what's wrong this time? Another rogue person with a Geass that somehow popped up despite the fact you wiped out the Geass Order? Some wannabe rebel who doesn't like the idea of peace and justice for all?" C.C. questioned, settling herself across from him on the kitchen table.
"Looks like a combination of the two," Lelouch answered, tone as bored as if they were discussing changes in the weather. "Some idiot calling himself… Azrael. God, what's with all the Judeo-Christian names? That makes… four now. Do they really think it's intimidating anyone? "
"It is a mite cliché. Like calling yourself 'Omega' or 'The Dark Lord'," she agreed, and stole his cookie, causing him to shoot her an annoyed glare that she easily ignored. "Charles and Marianne and Schneizel all had fairly innocuous names but they all managed to be quite the terrors, after all."
"Where do they keep getting a Geass from?" Lelouch muttered, and shot the witch a suspicious look.
She shrugged. "Don't blame me. Blame contrivance."
To that, Lelouch had no real argument. Or maybe he was just getting lazy in his retirement. Either his wit was growing duller by the day or C.C. was just getting better.
"Who's it from?" C.C. asked, peering over to try and glimpse the name. "Remember, I get twenty if it's Kallen again. But I kind of wish it was from Kaguya… that time she sent us a letter asking for help? I never thought a letter talking about hundreds dying and imminent war could be so… cute. And pink. I think I went blind for a week for all that pink."
That was a hilarious week, Lelouch reflected. Even if C.C. set his laundry on fire in retaliation, tricking a blinded C.C. into walking into a tree was worth every new pair of boxer briefs he had to buy.
"This one's from Suzaku. I guess Kallen's finally taken the hint that I'm not coming out of retirement… and you'd think Suzaku would to, considering I left him in charge of things after I 'died'," Lelouch muttered, irritated. "God, I give the man my mask, a decent sword, and I even leave him in charge of Nunnally so he has to be an eternal guardian to a girl packed to the brim with moe- of course, if he ever touches her I'll hang him by his own entrails, but the point is still valid. I didn't even have a sword and that was all I needed."
"You had magic mind control powers."
"Yeah… well… Suzaku has the ability to run on walls and dodge bullets. I think he doesn't need mind control."
"Well, they're probably used to needing you to get anything done. You're like… the main character," C.C. pointed out, wrinkling her nose distastefully as she pointed out the last word.
"Main character?" Lelouch blinked. "That's a little…"
"I'd say hero, but one doesn't generally think of heroes as scrawny, overly prideful emperors as heroes," C.C. added, a catty smirk on her face.
"I did save the world, you know… in a manner of speaking," Lelouch coughed and shifted uncomfortably.
"You killed hundreds of thousands of people, then pretended to be murdered by your best friend in front of people who trusted and loved you," C.C. noted.
"Well… I also won a cool final battle," he said meekly.
"Suzaku did most of the fighting. You just outwitted your brother with an incredibly long speech and then proceeded to use nuclear weapons against the world to make them fear you. Your imprisoned people who were fighting to free the world from tyranny under your rule. I hardly call that being on the side of justice. What you did could qualify as The Bad Guy Wins."
There was a short silence, filled in by a smug C.C. who stole three more cookies, and a blank faced Lelouch who absently picked up one of his own.
"I should never have let you find out about TV Tropes," Lelouch said resignedly, shaking his head.
"We live in the middle of nowhere. I need the internet to avoid going insane from boredom and killing you, fruitless though it might be," C.C. said carelessly, shrugging.
Lelouch couldn't help but agree with that, though he didn't speak since his mouth was currently full of delicious chocolate chip cookie.
"So what now? Are you actually going to get off your ass and help?"
Lelouch snorted derisively, and polished off his cookie.
"I didn't the last four times, and it turned out fine. People need to learn to do something for themselves- that was half of why I bothered to oppress the damn lot of them to begin with."
C.C. hummed in agreement. Lelouch sighed, and reached out for another cookie for comfort- he discovered to his dismay that the damn witch had already stuffed the last two in her mouth while he was speaking.
She grinned at him. "They were delicious. Let's make some more before we leave."
"… I hate you." Lelouch sank deeper into the chair and sighed again. "But seriously, this damn rock has been turning for billions of years before I got along- brilliant I might be, I'm hardly the only man on this planet capable of stopping wannabe supervillains. Let someone else do the work- I died for world peace, let me enjoy it, you sorry bastards."