Hey everyone this is my first story, I hope you all like it :)
Being 18 there are many things you should be doing and trying to accomplish in life.
1. Graduate High School
2. Go to College
4. Find Love
5. Make something of your life
Of that list to accomplish I have done 1, and that's only because I was forced to go to school every day. Growing up I hated school and it wasn't the work or the teachers or the kids I just hated it. I made myself sick knowing I had to go every day, not actually throw up all over the place sick, more just headache, stomach cramp sick and I honestly couldn't tell you why. Now while all my friends are out working, at college enjoying life I sit at home trying to decide what I am doing.
I have people on my case about it, my mom, my brothers, even my drug addicted, alcoholic father is trying to tell me to make something of my life, I just don't know what. I use to love my life, my family, my friends, and I'm not saying I don't love them now it's just now I feel beneath them all. I feel like everyone is going on with their life around me and my life is like on hold, like someone is watching a movie of me and paused it on what I am doing now, which is nothing.
I hate the person I have become, I can honestly say that. I hate the fights I get in with my family and I hate that I have this fake happy smile that no one can see through, I hate it all. When did life become so hard, when was being 18 and happy having fun, not ok. I hear people talking about how much they love life, how much the love high school, college their jobs and I wish I was one of those people. I wish I could say that so bad but I can't.
Everyone tells me that I have so many people looking up to me like my sister, but I don't get that since I have done nothing in life to look up too. I mean what have I done with my life? Oh yeah I have almost failed out of high school, I have lied to get my way, flipped cars, hurt people I care about and made my mother cry. Yeah I am a great person.
I wish I was like someone else, I wish I didn't make my family's life so hard and I wish I didn't disappoint them so much. Of course they would never admit it; I know I disappoint them. How could I not, my oldest brother who I look up to so much has a degree, a degree of honors from one of the smartest colleges in our state. He is someone to look up to; he is someone you want to be like, not me, never me.
Even only 18 I am so insecure, I feel like I am not smart enough, or pretty enough, not the right size, and not the right personality. I feel like nothing about me is right, I hope my sister never feels like that, I wouldn't want that in life. I wish I was like everyone else, I wish I knew what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do but I don't I just don't.
Having all these thoughts and feelings and not knowing what to do with them is overwhelming so I write. I write it all down and put it in this little diary this diary that has all my personal thoughts and wants and something I would die if someone got it. But even with all these thoughts I am stopping for tonight, because I have to go to bed to wake up to…well to do nothing.
"Ugh!" I groan rolling out of my bed, its 11:30 and I am just now rolling out of bed, pathetic I know. Right now people are in class, at work doing something and I am rolling out of bed. Everyone in my family is up and I can hear them downstairs talking, they probably already had the morning breakfast and they have probably already talked about me staying in bed this late, always the same talk, always the same morning.
"Morning baby girl," my mother smiles at me as I walk in grabbing a biscuit. My mom is perfect, everything about her is amazing. I love her and it upsets me how much I disappoint her.
"Morning mom," I smile sadly giving her a kiss on the cheek, trying to hold back the tears, I feel burning because all I want is to make her proud, just hard when my life is well my life.
"You eating just a biscuit? Mom made a full breakfast, eggs, bacon, fruit." My oldest brother Tony points out. I know it's out of concern, I know he is only saying it because my weight is not the best. I'm 18, 5'6" and 105 pounds, well on my good day 105 pounds. And I don't have many good days, but I have become a pro at lying about it, so when they ask I just smile and say it.
"I'm fine Tony, I'll just eat later." I say but they know it's a lie, I never eat later. I have noticed myself getting sick while I eat. Not making myself sick because that is something I would never do, but it's like I will eat something and as soon as it hits my stomach I feel sick. I have NEVER thrown up after eating NEVER, but I do know my body shouldn't feel like this when I eat. I also see that they all sit down to eat and they watch me, and sometimes I will not even eat, I just sit there watching them while moving my food on my plate to make it look like I ate, but I didn't, I don't. Not only does eating seem to make me sick now but my periods have all but stopped, it's been almost 4 months since my last one and I know it's not healthy. I don't know what's wrong with me.
"Yeah I'm sure." He mumbles and it almost makes me mad, I hate when he does that, I hate the way I feel when he does it but I again say nothing.
"I'm going out…" I tell them making me a cup of coffee and grabbing my keys.
"Wait where you going?" my mother calls and I just tell her I don't know.
And it's true I don't know where I am going I just need to get out. Sometimes being in my house is suffocating, like all I want to do is cry because I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I just need to get out like today; I just need to get out.
Driving down the road I just think, I decide to go to the park today to think, let my mind settle. Sitting on a swing just watching everyone. The kids playing and laughing and I miss being that age. Where the biggest decision that day is who I want to play tag with, or if I want to play on the monkey bars first or the slide, normally I would pick monkey bars, I was always really good them. Life was so much simpler at 5. But then I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, and it pulls be out of my little pity party I seem to be having.
"Hey girlie." I say into my phone putting on my best fake cheery tone.
"B, the girls are coming over tonight, come please."
It's my best friend, we have known each other since Christmas of senior year, which is almost a year now, but we became best friends instantly, I guess surviving a car accident and going through 3 pregnancy tests will do that to a friendship.
"Yeah Rach I'll be there." I tell her and hear her yell to her mom that I am coming so to get enough alcohol for me too.
"Great well see you tonight love ya bye."
I sit there thinking a little more before, getting up and going to my car to feel my phone going off again, it's my father. God I hate him.
"Hello?" I answer annoyed.
"Hey babe I was sitting here at work and found a job you should apply for." He tells me and I roll my eyes. Now when people meet the man who help give me life you would assume he is an amazing person and I am just a bitch for not liking him but he is a completely bastard. He treated my mom like shit, walked all over her, ran her into the ground and though he may have never physically hit her, trust me when I say he did other things, bad things. He was so high most the time growing up I don't even remember him being there, he was always out doing god knows what and snorting whatever he could, he is nothing but a loser.
"Alright." I growl into the phone and he knows I don't care what he says, but then again who knows he is pretty stupid, doesn't understand we all hate him.
"Well I will email you it. But with college what are you doing? You decide yet?"
"No I haven't." I hiss into the phone, understand if I don't want to take advice from a man who counted down the days until I was 18 so he could stop paying for me, stop paying my child support and taking care of me. And while on that can someone explain to me why my mom has to take care of me even after I turn 18 but he doesn't? I mean if they stayed married he would still be taking care of me so why can't he do it now? Just don't understand the court thing I mean turning 18 doesn't make me not his kid anymore even if I wish it did.
"Ok well you need to get on that."
"Yes I know but I am busy bye." I lie hanging up, throwing my phone across the car into the passenger seat. I have been gone for about two hours and decide to head home and take a shower and get ready to go to Rachel's house. Even if it's not until tonight all our girls are coming over, I always head over early to hang out, talk and just chill.
"Mom…" I call through my house as I walk inside shutting the door.
"In here." I hear her yell from the kitchen, she is already starting on dinner and it smells good, but I am kind of glad to leave tonight so I won't get in another argument about me eating dinner tonight, because those talks are start to grow annoying.
"Hey..." I say jumping up on the counter and picking at some lettuce she was cutting. "I am going to Rachel's tonight." I tell her and she just nods. Now Rachel when my mom first met her may not have been her favorite person considering the first time they meet I was in the back of an ambulance but over time she has grown to love the crazy girl I call my best friend.
"What time you going?" she asks as she grabs some spices out of the cabinet "Legs." She says hitting my legs to move so she can get into the cabinet under me and grab a bowl.
"I don't know think I am going to head over after I take a shower." I shrug eating some of the bell peppers she is now cutting.
"Stop that…that's for dinner." She laughs smacking my hand, but I of course steal one more and eat it and she laughs at me. "Will you eat dinner there?" she asks and I knew that question was coming, it always comes up.
"I don't know mom, I'm sure we will order a pizza or something." I say rolling my eyes.
"I know you get tired of this talk." She says placing her hands on the side of me as I sit on the counter "I just worry about you, you're my baby girl and I just want you healthy."
"I am healthy." I tell her and see the doubt in her eyes. I'm not healthy we both know it but I think she is just as tired of this talk as I am. She thinks I am developing a problem about my weight but I'm not. I have been little my whole life nothing has changed nothing is different, yet I know something is different. I am getting taller but my weight stays the same, my shoulders are looking boney and sometimes when I move you can see my ribs but I just don't know what it is.
"Ok…." she sighs as she keeps cooking.
"Well I am going to go shower." I say grabbing another piece of pepper sticking my tongue out at her as I run up stairs.
The shower is more than amazing, as it runs over my body. The hot water is beyond amazing, everyone makes fun of my showers. My brothers say I will die from a heat stroke at how hot it is but I can't help it. I love hot showers, like hot as burning your skin and turning it red. I love them. I wash my body and hair and run my hands through my hair with a sigh, some my hair is coming out again. I think it's just stress I think I am just thinking too much about things and need to relax myself.
I get out of the shower blow dry my hair and do my makeup. I straighten it and brush my teeth and look in the mirror. I hate the way I look. My hair is never right no matter how long I spend on it, my make up always seems to dark on my face and I am all broken out from stress.
"B!" I hear my other brother Jason call for me.
"What's up?" I say walking out of the bathroom into his room to find him and Tony playing video games. Jay is like my best friend not just a brother, he drives me crazy but is always there for me probably because we are so close in age only two years separate us but growing up its was always, Tony, Jason and me. They are my best friends and mean the world to me even if they drive me nuts.
"Are you going out tonight?" he asks but keeping his eyes focused on the new Madden game he just got. "Yes!" he cheers as he scores a touchdown on Tony.
"Umm…yeah I am." I say sitting on his bed grabbing a handful of chips from the bag next to him, "You do know mom is making dinner right?" I laugh looking at all the assortment of food around them.
"Yeah but still we are hungry now." Tony laughs "Throw me a coke." He tells me as I reach over and grab one out of Jason's mini fridge, opening up Tony's drink sipping it some before handing it to him. "I still can't believe you have that in here." I laugh.
"Hey Tony came home from school with a little fridge I was not going to let him throw it away." Jason defends and I just laugh.
"Yeah but anyway I am going to Rach's tonight, I'll be back sometime tomorrow." I tell them.
"RACHEL!" Jason squeals in his girlie voice mocking my friend, and I roll my eyes. He was never a Rachel fan but she is slowing growing on him.
"Dude Jay is kicking your ass." I laugh and get a pillow thrown at me.
"Shut up B you don't even play."
"That's because I admit I suck at all video games." I smile as I watch them. So right now I can mark a time of being really happy, just hanging with my brothers. They are great I love them, Tony is almost 23 and Jason is 20 and as soon as I turned 18 we got insanely close. I mean we have always been close but I think now since I can go to some clubs with them we got closer.
"So what you all doing tonight?" Jason asks and I know it's more to be am I drinking and if I am, be safe.
"I don't know just going to be the girls I think, I'm not really sure." I tell them as I watch the game "Yay! Tony got a touchdown." I tease and he sticks his tongue out at me, "Very mature T aren't you the older one here?"
"Yeah yeah…" he laughed as I throw a chip at him but stop when my phone goes off.
"Hello?" I laugh into my phone as I dodge a chip "Hey stop both of you I am on the phone!" I order in my mother tone.
"Hello skank are you there?"
"Oh hey Rach what's up?"
"Just bored as hell you coming over soon."
"Umm...yeah I will leave in just a sec, talking to the boys." I tell her and she tells me to tell them both hi which I do. Rachel I love but she makes me nervous about my brothers. She has a boyfriend of course but I won't lie my brothers are cute, very cute and all my friends tell me that all the time. I just don't like my friends liking my brothers its weird.
"Ok well get your skinny ass over here." She orders and I laugh then hang up.
"Alright my boys I got to head out." I say jumping off the bed as they groan as I walk in front of the TV.
"Oh B, some of the guys are coming up tomorrow and we are going to go out to that bar, you want to come?" Tony asks.
"You want to drink and need a ride don't you?" I tease.
"Am I not allowed to want to hang with my baby sister?" he pouts playing like he is really hurt and me and Jay just laugh.
"Oh you are, but you can't drink and drive since your DUI and Jay here has no license so I am your only option." I smirk and he laughs.
"Ok your right, but I also like you hanging with my friends too. You have gotten cooler with age."
"Oh thanks that is such a nice way to ask a favor." I laugh "But of course I will take you, I will call if I am going to stay at Rachel's late tomorrow, and then I will just pick you up on the way there." I tell him and he nods. "Bye my boys." I tell them kissing them both on the top of the head, and head downstairs "Ok I am out." I tell my mom grabbing my keys and purse kissing both Kylee and Aiden, my little sister and baby brother, on the head.
"Don't you need clothes? I mean you are spending the night right?" she asks.
"Umm… I don't know I will figure out when I get there, if I do I will just borrow some of Rachel's clothes no biggie." I tell her and she nods
"Ok let me know when you get there and if you drink please don't drive home ok?" she tells me and I nod since we have this talk every time I leave. My mom is pretty laid back on the drinking thing as long as I don't overdo it and don't drive or get in the car with someone who has drank anything.
"I won't I promise." I smile kissing her cheek, "Love you."
"Love you too. Be careful." She smiles.
"Always." I smile mirroring my mothers. It's not hard to mirror what she does we are pretty much the exact same person which I think is what scares her. She tells me every day she doesn't want me to end up like her but in all honesty I don't think being her age looking like she does and have 5 kids who love her more than anything would be too bad. Yet I know it's the being alone, marrying a man I never loved and struggling is what she is afraid I will be.
"Bye Sissy." Aiden tells me and I walk over giving him another kiss.
"Bye gorgeous, Sissy will see you tomorrow when I get home." And he nods, Aiden is my life. He is almost 8 years younger than me and I love him like he is my own almost. Growing up I would be on his side all the time, he actually said my name as his first word and of course Brooke turned into Sissy I wouldn't change that name. It worries me that he is getting bigger, he is 11 now and I know that soon he won't call me Sissy anymore and that upsets me. I love that name, I don't know why. Makes me feel special or something having my own name he gave me and no one else.
"Maybe when I get home from school you want to play Call of Duty with me?" he asks that sweet innocent voice, and gives me those gorgeous blue, green, red mixed eyes and I know can't say no to him and he knows it too.
"Sure little man." I smile kissing his cheek and heading out. I guess I am not spending all day at Rachel's tomorrow.
This is just the first chapter and review and let me know if you like it or not :)