IN SEARCH OF COCOA GOLD
Disclaimer: Buddy Cole is created by Kids in the Hall. This character is not owned by me, etc. etc. I'm just doin' this for fun! And I also took the liberty of lifting—er, recycling an old KitH joke.
[Setting: Buddy's Bar, confetti and streamers strewn on the floor and on the counter. A "Welcome Back" banner hangs on the wall behind the bar. Buddy is wearing tight gold lame pants and a satin black shirt; his hair is styled in his usual pomp. He is sitting on his usual stool, alone and smoking a cigarette.]
Hello everyone! Yes, Buddy's is back in business! "How is that possible? Didn't you close down several years ago?" you might be asking. Well, the guy who won my bar in that game of strip poker got tired of trying to keep a straight bar, so he reached into his inner fag and went on sabbatical in Europe.
He called me up when he came back and told me he had a special chocolate he wanted me to try. How could I resist? "Tony," I said, "I'll be right there. And I'm bringin' strawberries and champagne!"
When I got there I said, "So where's this chocolate you want me to taste?" Tony said, "It's on me." So he ripped off his silk bathrobe, and he was covered in chocolate from his chest to his toes! He wanted me to lick it all off! And I did! It was the most delicious thing I'd ever put in my mouth. With some exceptions, of course.
The next morning, Tony told me about the bar and how sick he was of it. So he said I could take it back—on one condition. With a sly smile on his face, Tony told me he'd give me one month to find out where in Europe he'd gotten this unique chocolate. Since I didn't have anything better to do, I said, "Sure," packed my bags and took the first flight out to Paris.
I must've gone through all of Paris—and its public toilets—looking for this chocolate. Nothing. So I headed off to Munich. Nothing but fat straight men wearing lederhosen and drinking beer. So I headed to Berlin. Not to get chocolate, just to catch up with a few friends in a couple of public toilets. And then—
[A familiar man with short black hair wearing tight black shorts and a shiny pink tank top bursts in. He looks slightly confused and a bit dazed.]
Man: Shooters! Shooters?
Buddy: Oh no, honey. No shooters tonight. We're closed.
Man: [whining] Shooters!
Buddy: [waving him off] Come back tomorrow night.
[Man pouts and slinks out.]
So where was I? Oh, right—Berlin. So after Berlin, I headed to Rome, Venice, Milan, and the Vatican. Yes, the Vatican. A few friends of mine became priests. After they saw me again, they nearly reconsidered their vow of chastity! [laughs] But no, I would never corrupt a man of the cloth.
Well, time was starting to run out, so I headed to Athens next. I didn't find the chocolate, but I knew of a great dance club there called the Pink Parthenon. I danced and danced all night. But I digress.
My next and final stop was London. Of course, the Brits aren't well known for culinary confections or concoctions of any kind, but at least they know what public toilets are for! *cough*George Michael*cough* Ah, the memories.
Well, I came back to Toronto empty-handed. I had 24 hours left, so I decided to drown my sorrows in a café on Yonge Street. I ordered a double espresso, which was served to me with a small chocolate wrapped in gold foil. When I put the chocolate in my mouth, my taste buds came alive with joy! It was the same chocolate Tony had supposedly brought back from Europe! That devious bitch!
I bought 1,000 pieces and took them home. I invited Tony over and told him I'd found the chocolate. "Prove it," he challenged me. So I did. I covered myself in the chocolate and—well, you know where the story goes from there. "You bought this here in Toronto!" I said. "I tricked you!" he laughed. "Silly faggot, tricks are for kids!" I shot back.
Well, Tony gave me the keys to the bar and said it was all mine again. Tonight's reopening was a success! All my old friends were here celebrating along with me. All of them, except for Tony. The day after I won the bet, he took off for Europe again and I haven't the faintest idea where he is now. [sighs heavily] Some times I find myself wondering about Tony, where he is, who he's with. What is he thinking? Is he thinking of me? And whether he'll ever return one day…