Hopeless

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Skins.


It's not stalking unless you do it all the time.

This is what he says to convince himself that he's only there because of the gang. He doesn't follow her around, wait for her, watch her. He has an uncanny ability to sense her, and it's not like he ever intentionally looks at her, his eyes are just drawn that way. To her figure, always looming behind her sister. The one who's always the centre of attention.

His eyes trace her, set her apart from the group of them there. Emily Fitch. There's something about the girl that makes him stop in his tracks. He's never been that kind of guy. The kind of guy who obsesses. Normally he'd move on to the next girl waiting in line, because, despite it all, he's a realist. And if something doesn't go his way, and he knows it never will, he moves on.

He knows she likes girls. It's obvious if you're observant enough. But nobody ever is, because she's always that one step behind her sister. Lost to Katie's mess of a love life, hidden behind her twin's loud personality. She's the invisible one.

But then why can't he stop thinking about her? He has a one-track mind, and the only thing that's ever on it is sex. Sex, sex, sex. He's the typical stereotype of a horny teenage boy, and it's something that he's always been proud of. For him, life is a ride. If you're not going to live it, what's the point?

But when it comes to Emily, there's no thoughts of sex. She's pretty, and yeah, like any other teenage boy he can appreciate that, but it's not all about the latest shag when he thinks about her. There's something different in the way she acts, and moves, and talks. Something that's just undeniably sweet, because is there really any other way in phrasing that? She's sweet, and he's...not. Another reason why they would never work out, if they ever had the chance in the first place. He's too much of a dick to be with someone like her. Too fucked up. She deserves someone better. Someone who's not going to corrupt her like he surely would.

But why does it hurt so much admitting that to himself?

He walked in on them once. Emily and Naomi. Kissing.

This is the kind of thing that would ordinarily turn him on. Two girls kissing? No question about it.

But instead it ripped him apart. All he could do was stand there, unmoving, before he retreated, slamming the door shut behind him, not even bothering to be quiet about it because his mind was going crazy, and it just hurt so bloody much.

He punched the wall, breaking a hole in the plaster, did anything, just so it would lessen the pain a little. Make him think about something other than seeing the two of them pressed against one another, groping, hands threading through one another's hair. It was all he could think about, all he could dream about. It broke into his fantasies and made them nightmares. It grounded him, because he knew what a hopeless situation he was in. Falling for a girl who could never like him in the way that he wanted her to. Never like him in the same way that he liked her.

He tries to get through it with sex, because previously, that had always been the answer to any of his problems. Sex was the only way he knew how to get out of it all. Sex, drugs and parties. It numbs his mind a little to the reasons behind the sex, but once the memories come rushing back, it's just another playback of the crushing hurt he feels, because before this, impossible hadn't been part of his vocabulary, and now he's stuck in its very definition.

It reminds him of just how very exposed he can get when he lets his guard down. How, normally, he'd break the two of them apart because that's the type of guy he is. He's a prick, and he's never pretended to be otherwise, but this is something that he can't do. Not only because there's no way in hell he can turn her straight - even he's not that good - but because when he walked in on them that one time, there was something about that kiss they shared that made it so memorable, so hurtful. That it was so private. Personal. Like, some kind of chemistry that only the two of them shared. Only the two of them could ever share.

Although he likes to pretend that if she got with him, things would work out like that, he can't. He won't ever be able to share that kind of spark with her. He and Emily are on different wave lengths, and although he thinks she's beautiful and he knows that he could love her, as he's never felt about anyone the same way that he feels for her, they don't have that attraction. It would be a one sided love affair, and this only serves to depress him further.

So he moves on with his sex, like always. What else can he do?

It's the only way that he can forget, brief as it may be. Perhaps one day he'll forget all about her.

Although at the moment that seems hopeless.


A/N: I was planning on writing it so much better, so sorry about this. I've been watching way too many Cook/Emily fanvids...which was kind of how this came about. Doesn't unrequited love suck? Obviously AU, and I think if it weren't for Naomi I'd really like them together. But Naomi/Emily are still my babes :)