And so, with much trepidation, I attempt my very first work that is NOT a one-shot! Be warned, though, that I posses neither the skill nor the attention span to satisfactorily complete this task.
I admit the plotbunny I am using is old, tired and probably suffering from arthritis by now, but I do think it's still got something left in it. Right now it probably depends on writing style and humour to pull this off.
I may fail.
But hell, who cares. Just read the damn fic.
Deafening silence filled the giant white halls, as calm and serene as the day they had been made. The only sound there was to be heard was the noise of thunder, as one of the most violent storms ever seen raged outside the dome of Las Noches-
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit…"
Okay, maybe it wasn't so silent. But still, the storm outside raged on, oblivious to the fact that-
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit and what is with that blinding sun?!"
…okay, so maybe there was no storm. But at least the sky outside was suitably bright enough to create a dramatic atmosphere for what was about to take place-
"I really need to get myself some sunglasses, maybe something a fetching pink I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS-!"
Forget it, I give up.
Running faster than he ever had before, Szayel skidded around a corner, knocking several lesser Arrancar out of the way. He paid them no mind, instead continuing at top speed to the Conference Room. As it was, he was already about half an hour late for the meeting, something that Aizen might well castrate him for. That, however, wasn't the problem. The problem was the tea.
Three days ago, when Szayel had been experimenting as usual in the labyrinth he called a lab, he had fallen asleep at his desk. That in itself wasn't unusual; quite often Szayel continued his work late into the night, and he did tend to fall asleep at his computer. The unusual thing this time was that upon waking up the next morning, cheek glued to a page of a book, he had noticed something terribly, terribly wrong.
The special rack containing all of his favourite chemicals was missing.
He hadn't been bothered too much at first, suspecting it was just some prank by Nnoitora, who never passed up the chance to annoy him.
That was, however, until yesterday, when, upon inspection, he found that Nnoitora's room was devoid of any chemicals (save for the bottle of disinfectant that Tesla had been given after Nnoitora's common cold escapade).
Still, he hadn't been that worried.
Then, of course, today, he had found out that, apparently, a certain ex-shinigami captian of theirs loved to experiment with his teas.
As a result, apparently, another ex-shinigami captain was known to collect rare and exotic ingredients to add to his boss's tea. And this particular ex-shinigami captain was also known to have a young blonde lapdog, who was apparently lacking in intelligence, but made up for it in his eagerness to please. And apparently, this young blonde lapdog did just love to get his hands upon any colourful liquids so he could bring them back to said guardian.
The real crux of the matter was; said guardian was blind.
So, now, Szayel had on his hands the possibility that, at this very moment, nine Espada and three Captains could be drinking tea laced with some of his most precious, and above all, dangerous chemicals.
This was probably something that he would be held accountable for.
Finally reaching his destination, Szayel threw the doors open, screaming at the top of his lungs.
"DON'T DRINK THE TEA!"
Twelve heads looked at him in unison. "Szayel? Is there something bothering you about the tea? Something, perhaps, that pertains to the fact that you are now thirty-seven minutes late for my meeting?" Aizen smiled at him pleasantly from across the room.
Ignoring him for the first time, Szayel busied himself with running around the room, frantically checking the teacups and finding them all to be depressingly empty, save Gin's. Throwing his head back, he let out a shrill scream of frustration.
"Szayel? Whatever is the matter with you?" Aizen's smile faded now, concerned.
"WHAT'S THE MATTER? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S THE MATTER! THE LOT OF YOU, THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU HAVE JUST GONE AND INGESTED MY VERY PRECIOUS AND VERY POISONOUS STASH OF CHEMICALS IS WHAT'S THE MATTER!" Szayel shrieked, tearing at his pretty pink hair in panic.
Surprisingly elegantly, Aizen's mouth fell open slightly as the implications of what his subordinate had just said finally hit home. "You mean that delightful new tea was actually…"
"GONE! ALL GONE!" Szayel rambled on, not paying attention in the slightest. "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT HAPPENED? DO YOU? DO YOU? IT WAS ALL. HIS. FAULT!" Here, he pointed an accusatory finger directly at Kaname Tosen. "YOU DID THIS!"
Tosen remained stoic, unemotional.
Szayel slammed his hands on the table in outrage. "WHY DO YOU STAY SO STILL, YOU SMUG BASTARD? DO YOU REALISE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? ANSWER ME! CAN YOU NOT SEE THE FINGER I'M POINTING AT YOU? WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND or someth-- oh. Right. Sorry."
Szayel coughed uncomfortably and straightened his robes, attempting to salvage what little dignity he had left. "In case you're wondering, I was blaming you for this, Lord Tosen. All this is because of your infernal fascination with making exotic teas, and your ludricous trust of that little Arrancar you treat as your pet."
Aizen, uncharacteristically, had an eyebrow raised in confusion. "Do us all a favour, Szayel, and please explain your story from the beginning." He did not seem amused.
Szayel took a deep breath, and started explaining.
The faces of those around him went from confusion, to awe, to shock, before morphing into horror as the explanation of Szayel Aporro Grantz commenced.
"And so," he concluded, "it appears that every one of you has been dosed with some of my most powerful drugs. With, of course, the exception of Ichimaru Gin, who did not drink the tea." He gestured sideways at the grinning fox-man to emphasize his point.
Darkness fell upon the room as Espada and shinigami alike considered what horrible fate had suddenly befallen them.
There was a grave, grave silence.
"Good thing I don't really like tea," said Gin conversationally.
Whoo~! That…that wasn't easy! I get the feeling I was being way too long-winded. Is that true? Please tell me so I can fix it. I already have something in mind for Ulquiorra, Nnoitora and possibly Grimmjow, but would anyone care to give me a suggestion for what could befall the other Espada/shinigami? I really, really need this. Thanks.