title: insane in the membrane
fandom: johnny depp's head (i wish i kidding)
characters: alot
rating: Pg, at worst
disclaimer: noooo i do not own any of the characters mention and i certainly don't own johnny depp or his thinking process. A/N cookies to anyone who can quess some of the lesser known characters. some are painfully obvious. some just a tad harder, but a quick google search could help you. :D i'll tell you at the end who all of them are. =]

The room was in complete disaster. What had once been an organized and neat long dinner table with its nice silverware was a complete and utter disaster. The men, who were once seated, circled the room like restless ants.

"Well this is quite gatherin' here wouldn't you say mate!" the resounding clap on the back of a brooding figure hardly caught any attention from anyone in the rooming, except for one.

That one, naturally, being the brooding figure being slapped on the back. One Sweeney Todd, aggravated and vexed, fresh for delivery.

The offending hand rested on his shoulder for a moment to long and Sweeney's own hand twitched near his blade holster, correction his empty blade-holster.

Sweeney Todd's eyebrow spasms with annoyance.

Jack Sparrow, oblivious to all and missing nothing, said in a quiet tone. "I know how ya' feel lad. They took me own pistol when I got here, almost like they couldn't trust me with my own weapon." He sounded almost wounded at the very idea and Sweeney's eyes drifted across the table, stiffly looking around.

The table had no silverware. Raoul had taken all of the forks, knives, and spoons off...somewhere, looking nervously over his shoulder all the while. He had returned sometime later sans said silverware, looking less… well, he certainly wasn't all that sane anymore, looking suspiciously behind everyone and then at himself.

Speaking of sane.

"...After my ship none the less! Really now, I don't ask for much, a little rum here, a little rum there and little less British army everywhere. And my ship! Out of all the ships in the bloody ocean, mine is the one they're after. You know, if it wasn't for the damned..."

Sweeney Todd resisted the urge to wish for the better days. (The judges' smarmy face swam in front of his eyes, tempting him as if to say 'at least you were aloud to kill me.')

Lord, did he miss the easy pattern of killing.

Looking back at Sparrow, who was still talking animatedly while picking at his meal like an animal nosing his food, Sweeney noticed Gilbert looking less than enthused about sitting next to Raoul, who also appeared to be talking about something in great detail

Blocking out Sparrow's rambling, (he was going on about a girl name Elizabeth something or another; sounding rather peeved about it too. That would have been slightly interesting to Sweeney, had he not hated Sparrow so damn much, to actually care) he was able to hear Gilbert, or rather Raoul's rather excited one-sided conversation about bats.

"And I told my attorney that he couldn't be trusted. Really, that kid practically was screaming traitor, what with the blond hair and that grateful expression. I was right too! I just told him some things, little facts for the day, and off he went running. Lucky my attorney was driving, I don't think I would have stopped." A quite moment before, "Say, your looking a little sad there. Hey! I know what's wrong with you. You see I'm a doctor of journalism, and I know people. Reptiles, too."

Gilbert, if anything, looked more stressed.

"You see, I have this thing, with the glands...well it may be a bit much for you", a nervous look from Gilbert and a shuffling chair, "so I think we'll start you off small. But you can't tell anyone about this stuff. I mean, I have more in the trunk, but you never know when the chimp will come back."

"That's...great Raoul. Um, I think I hear someone yelling my name. I'll...get back to you, you know." Gilbert stuttered a nod out and almost ran for the door, only to be blocked by Edward, who seemed just as shocked by Gilbert's presence as Gilbert was shocked at almost being impaled by the sharp blades.

The wave of a hand in front of his face made Sweeney's vein throb harder, sending vibrations all through his skull.

"Mate, you really should get that looked at, your forehead looks like it's going to explode. I saw that once, you know, wasn't pretty… Hey! You're right! I think Raoul just may have some rum! Brilliant idea mate! Raoul!" Sparrow waved enthusiastically at Raoul, who seemed absolutely fascinated with the tablecloth, running his hands up and down his legs with restless energy.

Sweeney reached what one would call a mental limit, and grabbed Sparrow by the front of his outfit. "Sparrow, if you don't quiet yourself right now, I will find ways to make you bleed even with out my knives." He could already feel the imaginary blood dripping down his hands with sweet clarity, "So, if you please, cease and desist or so help me..." Sweeney studied Sparrows face with growing anger. "Savvy?"

Sparrow blinked.

Sweeney fumed.

An obnoxious smile began to form on Sparrow's face. "Savvy mate. No need to get your knickers in a twist now. You aren't the only one here having a bad day, you know. Why, look at Edward over there, that Crane fellow simply went mad when he saw him, hasn't let him alone since, not one moment." Sweeney slowly let go of Sparrows' filthy clothes but didn't turn around to look, if only to delay proving Sparrow right.

Which (surprisingly) Sparrow ignored, and went on.

'Someday, he will die,' Sweeney thought to himself, 'and when he does, I will laugh. And feel so much better for it.' The voice inside his head was bitter and sounded like it didn't believe that it was ever going too happen.

What did it know anyway?

Sparrow, undeterred, went on. "And Mort there, lads just sitting there writing and Willy tries to force feeds him candy. You're never the same after the first taste really." Sparrow looks away for a second to take a bite of some food and Sweeney glances over to see a slim figure in purple chasing around a man (who looks like he needs a good nap) with candy.

"The Oompa-Loompa's assured me that the burning side affect has been taken care of Mort. Come on and try just one piece! I promise it won't end in that fantastic light show again! Hee-hee."

"So you see mate," Sparrow spoke up, food half chewed rolling around in his mouth, "not the worst of the lot. And we get to meet a new fellow today! See, we could make this a party. I love parties too!" Sparrow swallowed the food with a large gulp of suspicious red color liquid, quite content with the world.

Sweeney silently hoped he choked.

However, before he could force the chicken down Sparrow's throat, accidentally, the two large doors opened, revealing a pasty white man holding a rabbit. With fuchsia lips and a large tattered hat atop his head with red hair peeking out. He looked absolutely thrilled to be here; the man smiled a large mischievous grin. Sipping his tea as he went down the stairs, the man looked around at everyone, gold eyes wide and assessing, smile never leaving his face.

"Well," Sparrow mutters lowly, "there goes the neighborhood."

A voice suddenly rang out through the dinner hall, "Alright you lot, get out. Let the Mad Hatter settle in and get comfy. See you all next time."

Silence. Then a shuffling as all them, sans the Mad Hatter, began to leave.

"Well Damn, just as it was getting good to. Shame isn't mate?" Sparrow appeared to be talking to himself until he turned to Sweeney, clearly expecting an answer.

Sweeney sighed, "Next time, I will remember this, and decline."

Characters mentioned: Sweeny Todd (kinda Obvious on that one), Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Raoul Duke from Fear and Loathing in las vagas, Gilber Grape from What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Willy Wonka from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Edward Scissorhands, Ichabod Crane from Sleepy Hollow, and a brief apperance from Mad Hatter from the new Alice in Wonderland.

...i think thats all.

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