Yuki x Shuichi

These Things I'll Never Say

or, ten things that Yuki and Shuichi will never tell each other


Yuki keeps all of the drawers in his desk locked, even though some of them are empty. He does it so that Shuichi won't get suspicious of the ones that do contain important things, because although he shares some things with Shuichi, he still has to have his secrets.

In one of the drawers is every one of Bad Luck's records and singles, all still in their cellophane wrappers, never opened, never played. He doesn't like the music, and he doesn't buy them to please Shuichi... he just buys them so that he has, because to him, for a reason he cannot place, it is important.


One time, Shuichi dyed his hair blonde, so that they could be a matching couple.

Hiro had caught one look at him and dragged him right back to the hairdressers, ranting along the way, and made them dye it back to his original colour. Shuichi had never told Yuki, because he had a sneaking suspicion that Hiro had been right, and it was a stupid idea.

If you look at Bad Luck's third album, though, the fourth track was called 'Peroxide Pessimist', and it still made him grin.


Shuichi doesn't know that Yuki knows about the gay porn he keeps hidden, and he also doesn't know that sometimes, Yuki uses it.


Yuki doesn't buy Shuichi presents, and after a while, Shuichi realised that Yuki didn't want ones from him, either, so he stopped giving him them.

He still bought them though, and wrapped them up messily, with a home-made card tucked under the ribbon each time.

He figured that if anything ever happened to him, then Yuki would find them, and know that he never stopped trying.


Yuki gets unbelievably jealous when Shuichi listens to Nittle Grasper, because he gets this look on his face that reminds him all too well of the look he gets when Shuichi sees him. It's all wide eyes and dreamy smiles, and he hums softly sometimes, like he does when Yuki is tasting his way down his small body.

And this makes him angry, because no one should be able to make Shuichi look like that except Yuki. He had made that decision a long time ago, and if he didn't know that Shuichi would wail loudly and annoyingly at him for doing so, he would completely destroy all of those albums.


Yuki is still prone to disappearing for stretches of time when his emotions rile him, but now he always leaves a note for Shuichi, knowing that otherwise he will flip. There are some things that Yuki does not want people to know, and there are some things he does not want Shuichi to know, either. He knows, though, that there are some things that Shuichi has to know, and that, he supposes, is just how it has to be, even if he does not want it to be so.


Yuki did once write about Shuichi in a novel. Shuichi was a girl. She was tied up and routinely fucked for several hours before being thrown under a train. That particular chapter was never published.


Shuichi still has nightmares that wake him up in the middle of the night, but all he does it slide out of bed, steal the shirt that Yuki was wearing the day before, and curl up on the sofa, hoping that his tears don't wake the man in the next room and that the softness and reassuring smell of the shirt will be enough to making him stop crying.

He knows he had to be strong, because Yuki is too.


Yuki is never going to let anyone know that his smoking habit increases in those months when Shuichi is on tour.


Shuichi wanted to get a tattoo of Yuki's name for the longest time, but he realised soon enough that it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference to either of them. Whether he wanted to or not, he belonged to Yuki, and a name on his skin wouldn't change that. Yuki didn't know that, surprisingly, Shuichi could actually be rational sometimes.